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Boyfriend dropped a bomb. Heartbroken.


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My boyfriend and I have been dating for a year and I can’t say it’s been without issues. The main issue is his lack of communication, I’ve had about three serious talks with him about needing more and trying on my end as well. Despite this, he was kind and affectionate and told me he loved me. Our schedules are quite busy, I’m in school and he works and plays sports so we see each other average 1-3 times a week. I have the key to his house and I’ve met all his friends and family.

 

Yesterday I found out I’m losing my contract at work. I went to my boyfriend’s house and we talked and I wanted to have a discussion about where we were, as we hadn’t seen each other in 9 days and the past couples days he didn’t initiate contact. At first he said he didn’t want to talk particularly about his feelings. It’s always like pulling teeth trying to get any answers out of him. Before this week he was in contact everyday and was sending me kiss faces etc. Everything was normal and he even bought my fav candy for me when I came over.

 

Anyway he dropped a bomb saying lately he has been struggling with the idea of breaking up because he doesn’t feel as though emotionally he is where I am. I asked about moving in in a few months if he could see that and he said he didn’t know. And that he was going to have that conversation awhile ago but I kept making comments like I could never live there ( I would joke because he lives FAR from me- he just bought a brand new house). I also didn’t have any idea because I mean we would hardly see each other so I didn’t even think he wanted to move forward.

 

I told him I love him and I see a future but he couldn’t say the same. He said love is a strong word, that he doesn’t want to break up because he likes me but isnt sure about the future. Wow. I am completely a mess. I wanted to marry this man and thought I found the one. I’m trying in my head to comprehend this and I think I need to end things but how many more times can I be heartbroken?

 

 

 

He was married before and she divorced him due to communication issues. I’m embarrassed that he married someone but after a year can’t say weather he wants to at least try living together and he “likes me”

 

Does anyone have any advice or words or wisdom? ? Now I have to worry about finding another job or ill lose my apartment and I’m also in school. Now I’ve lost my bf . Didn’t see this coming.

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That must have been really painful to hear.

 

I think you're right that you should end things.

He should love you just as much as you love him and see a future with you by now.

You deserve that.

 

Be strong and don't settle for this dead-end relationship.

Good luck.

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I'm sorry for your pain. Those are words I have heard before so I know how you feel.

 

I think the best thing to do is accept what he is saying and end your relationship. You do not want to be with someone that is still unsure about you after a year in, but worst of all, likes you.

 

Try to focus 110% on your job search. Keep your distance with him if you can't stomach handling it all at one time but try to embrace and let it sink in that a break-up is close at hand and prepare yourself.

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I am so sorry you are going through these difficult times. I think the best thing is to break up with him and to not keep any contact. After a year a man knows if he's in love and he has no inner doubts about it.

 

Years ago my brother lost everything at the same time, he lost his house, he divorced, and lost his job. He could not get any lower and he thought he'd never find happiness again. Fast forward a few years, he's a successful entrepreneur now, he met an amazing woman, they have a little boy together and live in their dream house.

 

I will tell you what I told him when he was at his lowest. When a door is closing it's because a better one is waiting for you to open it.

 

Be strong, it will get better very soon.

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I'm sorry this is happening to you.

 

 

It's interesting -- the timing of this:

Yesterday I found out I’m losing my contract at work.

Before this week he was in contact everyday

Anyway he dropped a bomb saying lately he has been struggling with the idea of breaking up

 

Had you been talking to him about issues at your job leading up to this week? If so, what were his thoughts/replies when you did talk to him about your job?

 

I asked about moving in in a few months if he could see that and he said he didn’t know.

I told him I love him and I see a future but he couldn’t say the same.

He said love is a strong word, that he doesn’t want to break up because he likes me but isnt sure about the future.

 

Translation: I like the sex, but not the obligation that comes with a committed relationship, so I'm demoting you.

 

I have a feeling he felt you asking to move in was coming and he's not ready to take that step, but was afraid of the candy store being shut down.

 

Do you have other avenues of support where you live? Like family or good friends who can help if needs be? I don't think you can reasonably entertain any more thoughts on a future with him if he's telling you he isn't seeing it.

 

It's time to cut him loose because you and he want different things out of a relationship.

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I'm sorry this is happening to you.

 

 

It's interesting -- the timing of this:

 

 

Had you been talking to him about issues at your job leading up to this week? If so, what were his thoughts/replies when you did talk to him about your job?

 

 

 

Translation: I like the sex, but not the obligation that comes with a committed relationship, so I'm demoting you.

 

I have a feeling he felt you asking to move in was coming and he's not ready to take that step, but was afraid of the candy store being shut down.

 

Do you have other avenues of support where you live? Like family or good friends who can help if needs be? I don't think you can reasonably entertain any more thoughts on a future with him if he's telling you he isn't seeing it.

 

It's time to cut him loose because you and he want different things out of a relationship.

 

I knew there was a small chance my contract would end but wasn't definite. He just encouraged me to find something else and to keep positive. Never offered to help which I didn't expect but he just bought a brand new house to himself....

 

But the thing is he doesn't even use me for sex. 95 percent of the time I initiate...he isn't the player type at all. I mean he very well could like it but i even asked if he just wanted the convenience of a gf and he said no...that he likes me he just doesn't know and can't explain what's missing.

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Sorry to hear that, OP. How old are both of you?

 

From everything you've said about him, I don't think it's about sex either. But there are lots of reasons why someone would want to stay in a casual relationship and not want to move it further along - on LS I know the assumption is always "sex", but IRL people (men and women) do it for any number of reasons. Perhaps he likes the easy companionship but doesn't want a serious LTR, perhaps he likes having a woman to spend time with but doesn't want to give up his bachelor pad, etc.

 

Either way, if both of you want completely different things out of the relationship and aren't extremely young to the point where moving in together would be unrealistic (unlikely, given that he's a divorcee)... seems to me like the best thing to do is to split up.

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I am 27 and he is 31. He has been divorced for about three and a half years but he never spoke about it unless I asked and he had one girlfriend after his divorce where she ended up cheating on him . He appeared to have been moved on from both. Initially I thought he had his guard up from getting hurt in the past but found out his feelings for me I guess just aren't strong enough or have changed...

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I'm not crazy about setting timelines, but a year long relationship is serious. I don't think it makes moving it forward into something even more serious mandatory though. Things can change in the relationship that have an effect on the timeline.

 

For example, I have a friend who is almost a year in with a really great woman. He's a pretty solid person without much change or turmoil in his life. She's had all kinds of things thrown at her to make her life a constant turmoil, including a horrible ex-husband and constant custody battles. She recently moved back in with her parents to save money to use it to fight in court over that custody. She has it in her mind that after a year, they will move in together. And while he loves her, he's afraid of moving forward right this second until she is a little more stable. That doesn't mean he wants out of the relationship and is being really supportive, but he's also not quite ready to take the next step.

 

Anyway, timelines are just a suggestion. I realize you said his communication skills aren't good, but if you can get him to open up and understand why he is having difficulty that would be best. If he can't, that level of communication is what you should expect in the future and it may be time to at least distance yourself from him unless he can start to be more forthcoming.

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. She has it in her mind that after a year, they will move in together. And while he loves her, he's afraid of moving forward right this second until she is a little more stable.

 

That is the thing, OP's BF does not *love her* and after a full year of dating he still expresses his feelings as *liking her*. Where there is love it's normal to invest time and patience. Here there are only *liking* and uncertainty.

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First things first find a job and then move on from this sociopath who seems to be disconnected from his feelings.

 

Put yourself first because he’s too busy feeling sorry for Himself or confused

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I knew there was a small chance my contract would end but wasn't definite. He just encouraged me to find something else and to keep positive. Never offered to help which I didn't expect but he just bought a brand new house to himself....

 

But the thing is he doesn't even use me for sex. 95 percent of the time I initiate...he isn't the player type at all. I mean he very well could like it but i even asked if he just wanted the convenience of a gf and he said no...that he likes me he just doesn't know and can't explain what's missing.

 

Ouch...

 

I suppose the next question is: are you cool with the parameters he's offering, enough to keep on seeing him on his terms?

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bleck! toss him. So sorry you invested in a dud. I think you will just prolong your heartache if you stay.

 

Like you said he has had communication issues in his past marriage...that's a good indicator why he's taken a long time, and still struggles with saying, I want to breakup.

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I'm sorry you're in this situation.

 

However it seems that he's made the right call. You've been telling him that he's not meeting your needs in terms of communication. He knows you're right and he knows you're not happy with him. It sounds like he knows he won't change, so he's better off leaving you to find someone who can meet your needs.

 

When you tell someone you have a problem with their behaviour, there's always a chance they will decide to stay how they are and walk away instead.

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Michelle ma Belle

In your first paragraph you said he told you he loved you then go on to say that he only "likes you" and that love is a strong word. Which is it?

 

You also said you thought you would marry this man. How is that you thought it was so serious that you would eventually walk down the aisle and he saw things more casual? after a year of dating, couples should pretty much be on the same page or at least reading from the same book.

 

The signs were all there but I think you chose not to see them. His marriage ended because of his inability to communicate and you've admitted to struggling with that in your relationship having had multiple conversations about it yet you continued on with him trying to change him into something he clearly isn't.

 

I am sorry you invested so much time and energy into someone who wasn't feeling the same intensity as you but I'm not sure what kind of outcome you were hoping for with someone who clearly doesn't enjoy sharing anything with anyone.

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I'veseenbetterlol
I am so sorry you are going through these difficult times. I think the best thing is to break up with him and to not keep any contact. After a year a man knows if he's in love and he has no inner doubts about it.

 

Years ago my brother lost everything at the same time, he lost his house, he divorced, and lost his job. He could not get any lower and he thought he'd never find happiness again. Fast forward a few years, he's a successful entrepreneur now, he met an amazing woman, they have a little boy together and live in their dream house.

 

I will tell you what I told him when he was at his lowest. When a door is closing it's because a better one is waiting for you to open it.

 

Be strong, it will get better very soon.

 

This is a good point. I'm sorry you are going through this, but deserve WAY better. Someone should know they love you after a couple months and if they don't, they need to let you go. Your bf has hesitations, but is also afraid of not finding something better, he is keeping you on the back burner just in case. If you stay he will most likely leave you for a woman who he has more feelings for.

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I am so sorry this is happening to you during this rough time. If you want to look at the silver lining its better you find this out now before things got more serious and before you spent even more time. There will be someone else better suited for you, try to remember that. *hugs*

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Update: he came over and I started with I don’t want to give you the perks of a relationship while you keep me waiting because that isn’t fair to me. He agreed and said it wasn’t fair. I told him I felt there were communication issues still and that I tried to get close to him but there was always a wall up.

 

He actually said “I’m sorry, I wish I could have done better.”

 

He looked sad. I wasn’t emotional at all I’m surprised. We held each other and kissed a bit and joked around. I told him I didn’t hate him and I wished him the best.

 

Then we had sex. Which was strange but I guess it was one last time (I initiated). I gave him his stuff and he left.

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