Rebound Story for the Ages

[Mac0908]

Yup, at 33 years old I was a rebound, and I NEVER saw it coming. Even with a decent amount of homework done. Seen some good advice and words of wisdom with regards to rebound horror stories on these forums and figured I'd vent here and use this to try and close this chapter.

 

Met online and dated for 2 GREAT months where things picked up QUICKLY. I've seen just about every kind of red flag in my day and knew this was one of them. Right on the first date after I subtly asked, she completely downplayed anything and told me she had only just got out of something very short term, about "3 months". Then after we were social media friends right away I didn't see any evidence of an ex let alone any guys in her pics. I thought maybe, just maybe this was something legit. Still, in the early stages it FELT a tad too good to be true, and I still no doubt was wondering. After date #5 she was already staying over and we had sex and I had a quick talk about what she was looking for. She told me something long term. More insurance in the bank for me I thought. Still, on what was the 6th date after she brought me as a date to her work Christmas party after just a couple of weeks of knowing me and she posted a photo of us that night to her social media, my gut again told me something felt off. But, after all I had already seen and been told, I gave it the benefit of the doubt and just felt she was a girl being a girl, looking for a little attention from friends perhaps. Excited to have a date. Excited to be all dressed up. She's 27 fyi. The night at the party itself was amazing and I enjoyed every minute with her. This was the real turning point for me.

 

After that night any thoughts of is this too good to be true faded away completely. I began to develop real feelings for this girl. It was more than just basic feelings. Soon I found myself into this girl more than any girl I've dated in years. We were having that much fun together and were clicking well. Quite a few things in common, too. Even though it was a bit of a ways away from being official to me, it was as if we were in a semi relationship already, just a month in. But we were adults after all. We continued to talk every single day, hung out 2 times a week where she would commute an HOUR to me from where she was, and she would stay over every single weekend. Sex, cuddling, deep talks, cooking for each other, movies, you name it. She was also treating me to dinner a couple of times. She felt just about 100% legit to me. All was great. She eventually met my friends at a party in what was another wonderful night, she told her parents about me, posted ANOTHER photo of us to her social media, wore lingerie that she said she BOUGHT just for me, and we even exchanged Christmas gifts. My gift to her were two tickets to a popular exhibit at a museum in our city area. Keep this in mind for later.

 

So it was absolute, absolute shock and devastation like I had never experienced before in my dating life when two days after our last very nice hangout she blew me off on the phone OUT OF NOWHERE one weekend morning. Now her texts WERE a little watered down in the last week and I felt a little something was up, but never could have imagined it was this. I never panicked and just thought maybe she was having a bad week. Either way I was blown off, and I had justifiably let my guard down and I got played, hard. Oh, what did she say?....

 

"So, this is really hard, but my ex of 1.5 years started texting me again around Christmas and he wants to give it another shot...."

 

The convo lasted about 5 minutes before I rushed off the phone. I legitimately thought I was in a dream. The 3 month thing she mentioned to me? Oh, that was just the previous wave of their 1.5 year on and off relationship. Yeah. See that's the part that makes this a REAL horror. Seems like a lot of stories I read are guys who either know or at least have a good idea she just got out of a relationship. I was flat out lied to. She did tell me I'm an amazing guy and it was nothing I did and her "heart hurts" over this and she's only doing this bc of the "history", but I didn't want to hear it. I was nauseous and livid.

 

HOWEVER, in what was one of the biggest shocks I've ever experienced in my life and what made this unlike a lot of textbook rebound situations, this girl comes back to me the NEXT DAY via text saying she "thinks" she made a "bad decision". WOW. I was in shock yet again. She says she wants to meet up to tell me the truth. I know it was a bad move, but I bow down and meet her out since there was no way I was going to miss this. I had to see her face when she spoke. I told her though I'm meeting her for ME, not YOU. Anyway.... she tells me she DID develop genuine feelings for me but the history of the ex reactivated old emotions. She said he gave her an ultimatum about one more chance, and she chose him at the last second. However she says that the ex treated her poorly on their very first night back out and even called him a "d-ck" to me at one point and the bottom line is she's just "torn" and doesn't want to lose me. Wow. Gave her a hug and went home confused, angry, and sad. Well, the next night I put my foot down and told her I don't want to be a part of this and told her if you really made a mistake, prove it to me and blow him off and come back with me now. She claimed that she wanted a second chance, didn't see herself with him long term, but just felt like things wouldn't be the same and that she "ruined everything" and no matter what I said she would feel pressure. I told her I would not resent her and things would be ok, although she would have be honest 100% of the time and would have to delete the ex off of all her social media. She said she understood, but still couldn't do it right now anyway bc of the backlash she'd face from him and all their "mutual friends"! I told her goodnight and that I could never see her again unless she was completely done with this ex.

 

Talk about an emotional roller coaster for me. Literally 72 hours earlier I'm hanging out with this girl and we're enjoying ourselves, and literally overnight we have this whole other secret world revealed, with ex boyfriends, blowoffs, and she's even telling me not to worry and that she "didn't have sex with him" when she saw him. Fun times, right? I was sick.

 

I still had feelings for her though and tried weighing out pros and cons to hanging around for a bit to see if this played out in a good way, but I knew it was bad. I wasn't going to contact her after our phone call, but then it started. This girl tried desperately over the next few days to string me along by telling me how great of a guy I was and how I did things for her in just the 2 months that he never did, how she missed me, etc. An entire other side of this girl was out there now, and I was just in shock. An immature irrational side of a woman who while did have feelings for me, lied to me, and was immature enough to not give up the boy crazy addiction that was with her pretty box loser ex that things didn't work out with, to see that the right guy was right in front of her face (me). At one point she even says she'll blow him off this weekend but then went back on her word. Finally after about 10 on and off days of this nonsense (which I now regret hanging around so long) I sent her one final long text asking her what the deal was. Told her that I understand she had to close a chapter but that I'd like to have her back in my life (I know, rip me if you must, but it was a last ditch effort) She kept to her same story, saying that she is ending it with the ex very soon, but still thinks she ruined everything and thinks things would be "problematic" for us going forward. I tell her OK, i accept that. I was done. Her response? "I would still like to go to the exhibit with you sometime though". (my Christmas gift to her) This push-pull insecure selfish behavior would NOT stop. Never have I seen anything THIS bad from a girl. One text she's literally telling me she can't be with me, the next text she's saying she wants to see me sometime.

 

3 days later however, I shockingly find her back on the dating site we met on, new pic and all. It was nice in a way to know she likely really ended things with the ex after all, but it was still hurtful to know she didn't come back to me. However, 3 days after THAT, she texts me!! But not about getting back together or hanging out. She texts me small talk BS about some movie!!!!! So keep in mind under a week ago she's telling me she's still involved with an ex, then a little after that I see her back on a DATING SITE, yet she's texting me - About a MOVIE!!! I respond cold and fade away for good into no contact. I was done. Figured if she one day figured all this bs out and wanted to apologize in a REAL way and go out, she would.

 

A week goes by after her small talk text attempt that went nowhere, and both our photos of us are deleted off her social media. Now keep in mind we still follow each other on social media. Then it happened...

 

She posts a pic a couple of days later of her, alone, at the museum exhibit.

 

Of course this was my Christmas gift to her (tickets to it). I was disgusted and hurt terribly. One last bizarre twisting of the knife by this selfish monster for NO reason whatsoever. I was so sick, that I grabbed my phone and texted her saying "Wow". She responded saying "I haven't heard from you so I went alone. Do you want your ticket back?". Me: "Haven't heard??? You told me you're involved with an ex, then I see you back on the dating site after. I moved on, but still, to post that pic, wow." She told me she ended things with the ex a few days ago but told me she couldn't go forward with me bc it would be too hard as she said. I then wrote "Take care".

 

No communication ever since. No apology of any kind.

No contact for 3.5 weeks now.

So what REALLY happened here? Would love some advice from women

 

My analysis is simple:

Even though I was absolutely a rebound, she did genuinely liked me to an extent, yes. Her coming back the day after the blowoff and other things I saw throughout our 2 months proved that to me, but, it was nowhere NEAR the amount I liked her, as most of her actions were rebound related. Mixed in was also the fact that I do believe it was true about her feeling too much pressure to come back to me but she still(clearly) wanted to try and keep me as a second option for as long as possible until she was perhaps "good and ready", and went the extremely immature and insecure route of using push-pull on me for 2 weeks.

 

Eventually she knew coming back to me wasn't a realistic possibility for her for all the obvious reasons (her ex would probably still be in the picture in some form, maybe I became a bit too "available" for her liking, and bc she simply didn't like me enough), and she went back online after blowing her ex off. Then when she saw she lost me and that I wasn't giving into her small talk crap she gave up on any kind of idea of me completely, and went to the museum bc of this. Her posting a pic was also to get a reaction from me IMO to see if she still "had me" in a way. This was a selfish insecure person after all.

 

If I could do it all over again I should have just told her give me a call one day if and when all this drama is figured out but instead I hung around and put pressure on her, however that's mostly bc she was putting me through a wringer beginning from the DAY after she blew me off. This was all a mess, and it was a mess SHE started.

 

I will never understand how someone's brain can operate like hers did.

Selfish. Insecure. Immature. Impulsive. Monkey brancher.

Edited February 22, 2018 by Mac0908

[dumbass2]

There are many other ones out there just like her. The thing for you is to learn from this and not let it happen to you again (that is once someone breaks up with you). Yes, you hung in there way way way too long. You should have backed away when it first started about the ex and no, you don't say don't contact me unless you're done with him (you then become an option). Learn from that. Learn to take things a little slower if you find that you really can see a future with someone. It sounds like you guys did what me and my previous ex did in starting off fast in the first few months and I met her online and she also had an ex and lied and told me it was over a year and it was only a month or so.

[preraph]

I'm sorry that happened to you. She was wrong to lie, of course. She is just going to keep dating and then interrupting her dating to date her ex. No telling how long that could go on. Real sorry that happened to you. People just don't all have good sense or any control over themselves either.

[Mac0908]

Thank you.

 

And that's what I thought the second I saw her immediately back on the dating site. I laughed and thought to myself "Good luck to the next sucker. If only he knew what took place in the last few weeks of her life.".

 

Just surreal to me. And she grew up in a very nice close family in a very nice neighborhood, too. Parents still together. Loving. Etc. Very smart, has a good job. College educated. No big red flags in her background that I saw. I truly wondered how she grew to be this way. Hard to even chalk this up to high SMV / "hot girl do whatever I want/manipulation". I think she's just downright bizarre.

 

I guess if nothing else she at least had the decency to spare me another round knowing that her ex is absolutely not out of the picture 100% even though they "ended it". (They're still friends on social media)

Edited February 22, 2018 by Mac0908

[JingleBells]

Oh dear, Mac. You are simply telling my story in your lips. I have just posted in here:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/653542-heartbroken-girl-ex-boyfriend-background

 

Girl is also 27 years old, also lied about last relationship she had, also broke up with her ex for the second time recently and also had mixed feelings in us both. I am also experienced, however fell for that easily and headlessly. We would also spend MUCH time together, both seeming to be the happiest couple ever. Every weekend "Sex, cuddling, deep talks, cooking for each other, movies, you name it" - YEP. Also happened during Christmas period, meeting each other friends etc. She also did push and pull numerous of times. Ex was also in the background all the time. I just had more and bigger red flags and were much more naive.

 

It is both funny and tragical to read your post having in mind my story.

Edited February 22, 2018 by JingleBells

[Beachead]

I honestly feel anger reading this. These kind of things are so common yet it still never fails to disgust me how people just do this to one another. So reckless. So fickle. Why? Because she's too insecure to be alone so she has to use others to satisfy her loneliness?

 

I am sorry she put you through all this. The real tragedy here is I don't think there was anything you could have done differently. What are you supposed to do? Not trust anyone you get into a relationship with? You had to let your guard down eventually and leave yourself vulnerable otherwise the relationship would have failed and it would be your fault. It's part of getting into a relationship. Trusting a person. They're number 1. You stayed because you fell for her. You were loyal. You were true. You did what you were supposed to do. There was no way for you to have seen this coming. There's just no way.

 

I was rebounded too back in August. But I had warning signs and I blame myself for not taking them seriously. But as concerned as I was, she was good to me. She said things like she was in this for the long-run. Told me to trust her and have faith. Dropped the L bomb on me after sex and I genuinely believed her because she was treating me well. Would time to time just show up at my house quickly and drop off a gift she got while shopping with her friend. Stuff like that. Then 2 weeks after telling me she loved me, she grew distant. There were some trailing problems that I was finally tired of sweeping under a rug and addressed..we fought twice in the week and BAM.. she went back to her ex 2 days later. Promised him never to speak to me again and that was that. I haven't heard from her in nearly half a year now. It tore me up inside. I'm sorry for this man.

 

With all due respect to your ex, good riddens. Could you ever be with her again knowing she's capable of looking you in the eyes and lying like that? There's no love in that. No respect. Just self-serving seflishness.

 

Truly

Edited February 22, 2018 by Beachead

[Mac0908]

Thank you for your replies. Makes me feel a bit better. One very last piece of key info I left out of my original post was that we both deleted our online dating accounts a little over a month into this. I made the move first, but she liked it and followed. So yeah, this was just ADDITIONAL comfort for me.

 

Part of my problem initially was thinking I was partially to blame for “allowing” this all to happen to me but as @beachead said, it gets to a point where what can you do? Awkwardly ask 21 questions a two weeks into knowing her? Hire a private detective? The girl (woman, really) was displaying behavior that proved to me she really liked me and I eventually let my guard down. I guess if I’m guilty of anything its getting a bit TOO attached in general after just 2 months, but with all of the things that happened(several serious) thrown in, mixed in with her beauty, it was hard not to. She had also told me I could see her new apartment when it was furnished and ready in a MONTH. So in my eyes, I was anything but worried. Had no idea an ex was about to be back in the picture and she was about to throw me and our entire amazing time together in the dumpster.

 

I guess the part I’m still trying to really get over is just the shock and awe of it all. How she let it go THIS deep. How I can be mingling with her co-workers at a Christmas party while she had such a huge smile on her face, her meeting my friends at a party while laughing and talking all night, staying over weekend after weekend, posting photos of us on social media, telling her parents about me, exchanging xmas gifts, etc, and to think the entire time her heart was almost completely still with this other guy. All I am is this nice loyal guy looking for something serious and then my entire world is turned upside down overnight. @beachead just curious how long did your rebound last? Hard to believe it was a legit rebound if there was an L bomb involved, but if so, wow.

 

With regards to your question of could I ever be with her again after this? Short of an emotion filled apology and talk that lasted an entire DAY, the answer is no. It would be one thing when she legit came back to me that next day saying she made an impulsive decision and it was a mistake, but we all know she only wanted to just selfishly keep me on a back burner until she was good and ready. To be honest, it was that, along with her behavior after the blowoff (all the push pull, the museum pic) that made me disgusted with her. I was devastated and to

Her this all just seemed like some game. She even liked a MEME on Instagram at one point about how she needs to “Get Drunk” this weekend. 27 going on 17. It was all just a shock to witness after what was an amazing two months with what I thought was a very mature person. But yeah, motivation for going back to an ex of 1.5 years of history, I can find a way to understand even though of course I will never understand how she HANDLED it. But all the bs after that, it was just pathetic.

Edited February 22, 2018 by Mac0908

[Beachead]

Thank you for your replies. Makes me feel a bit better. One very last piece of key info I left out of my original post was that we both deleted our online dating accounts a little over a month into this. I made the move first, but she liked it and followed. So yeah, this was just ADDITIONAL comfort for me.

 

Part of my problem initially was thinking I was partially to blame for “allowing” this all to happen to me but as @beachead said, it gets to a point where what can you do? Awkwardly ask 21 questions a two weeks into knowing her? Hire a private detective? The girl (woman, really) was displaying behavior that proved to me she really liked me and I eventually let my guard down. I guess if I’m guilty of anything its getting a bit TOO attached in general after just 2 months, but with all of the things that happened(several serious) thrown in, mixed in with her beauty, it was hard not to. She had also told me I could see her new apartment when it was furnished and ready in a MONTH. So in my eyes, I was anything but worried. Had no idea an ex was about to be back in the picture and she was about to throw me and our entire amazing time together in the dumpster.

 

I guess the part I’m still trying to really get over is just the shock and awe of it all. How she let it go THIS deep. How I can be mingling with her co-workers at a Christmas party while she had such a huge smile on her face, her meeting my friends at a party while laughing and talking all night, staying over weekend after weekend, posting photos of us on social media, telling her parents about me, exchanging xmas gifts, etc, and to think the entire time her heart was almost completely still with this other guy. All I am is this nice loyal guy looking for something serious and then my entire world is turned upside down overnight. @beachead just curious how long did your rebound last? Hard to believe it was a legit rebound if there was an L bomb involved, but if so, wow.

 

With regards to your question of could I ever be with her again after this? Short of an emotion filled apology and talk that lasted an entire DAY, the answer is no. It would be one thing when she legit came back to me that next day saying she made an impulsive decision and it was a mistake, but we all know she only wanted to just selfishly keep me on a back burner until she was good and ready. To be honest, it was that, along with her behavior after the blowoff (all the push pull, the museum pic) that made me disgusted with her. I was devastated and to

Her this all just seemed like some game. She even liked a MEME on Instagram at one point about how she needs to “Get Drunk” this weekend. 27 going on 17. It was all just a shock to witness after what was an amazing two months with what I thought was a very mature person. But yeah, motivation for going back to an ex of 1.5 years of history, I can find a way to understand even though of course I will never understand how she HANDLED it. But all the bs after that, it was just pathetic.

 

About 3 months for my situation. We started talking, met up at a mutual friend's birthday. After that day, things started to blow up. She started talking a lot, would flirt and show a massive amount of respect for me. I was surprised she was doing this because I her ex was still in the picture and according to her, she said they were together. Yet her status was single. It was all one big red flag I ignored because I liked how I felt with her. What got to me though was I had a doctors appointment I had to go to for a upcoming surgery at the time. She showed up to keep me company without me asking her to. I was so shocked. That was really the moment, my feelings started and I let her get close to me. There's no excuses and in hindset it's all coulda woulda shoulda. I did what I wanted to do at the time and that's that.

 

But yea. We started dating shortly after. It was good. Lots of physical affection. We'd meet up almost everyday. Lots of emotional affection. We'd have conversations about life. She talked about her parents. As time went, she wanted me to meet them and even arranged a date for me to meet her sister. But her ex would contact me and her and cause problems and she would have fights with him. She would leave me time to time and get distant but then come back after a day and each time she did, she seemed a little more off. At the time I told her, we should keep it slow and take our time because it was problem.

 

Then we went on a weekend trip (Nearing the end of our relationship) and we had sex for the first time and she told me she loved me. I remember that look in her eyes too when she said it. I held her and I said it back. Inside, a thought crossed my mind of..does she mean it or is she going to blindside me one day? I was scared to death man. I was falling too but her situation with her ex was also troubling me a little. I talked to her about it all because I wanted to keep real the next day. And she was the one who said things like how I'm now her boyfriend, and I need to be strong for her, and to trust her and have faith. She said a lot of things. I thought "Hey..I'm being insecure and weak right now. There is no problem here except me. She's right. I need to calm down." So I put it out of my mind and focused on us. But a week and a half later, something happened and it was back to issues about her ex and her acting distant again. It was disappointing because all it told me was she didn't know what she was doing. I had a past with 2 exes who did this to me and I honestly had no more patience for it my life. I didn't want anymore games and push and pull either. We fought because I called her out on her behavior. It was a relationship ender for her at the time but after a few days later, she said she wanted to try it one more time with me. I could have said "Yes, lets try again" but things would have probably came to a complete end after another month. She she wanted her ex and I knew it even though she didn't say anything. She ended up going back to him 2 days after. But her reasons for going back to him..weren't good. Sounded like someone who didn't know what else to do and decided to settle.

 

It messes with me head that she could plan for me to meet her sister, talk about meeting her parents. Drop an L Bomb. Talk about kids (Which by way, she didn't want when she first met me and we were just having a casual conversation about relationships and life. Being with me, changed her view on that). She even at one point said, I was far closer to what she wanted than him and this was a guy she was with for 4 years. It also screws me up that she could do all that and say all this and still carry feelings for her ex.

 

I look back and I know what happened. She had issues in the relationship with her ex. She complained about family issues and religious issues and him talking to too many girls and how it made her feel like crap. Eventually she grew tired and fed up and they started to fall apart. At this point, I came into the picture and she liked how she felt with me. Used me as a means to escape from him because she's the type to not want to be alone. Being with me made her feel good. But she also got to teach him a lesson and show him what life was like without her. It got the job done, he got the message, and she started to realize after he started pulling away, that she might lose him. She realized she didn't want that and wanted to be with him again but she was now stuck with me and my feelings. That's what caused the distance on her end. That's what I picked up on and got upset about and what ultimately generated our fights that led to the breakup. It was always about him. I never had a chance.

 

It came and it ended fast and it almost feels like it never happened but I still think about her everyday.

Edited February 22, 2018 by Beachead

[Mac0908]

While I do feel for you a good amount, the only thing I will say with no offense is that at least you KNEW clear and full well that there was a long term ex right out of the gate that she CLEARLY was not over. The split second I saw this I would have been out. You allowed the relationship to go on with this completely confused, emotional and vulnerable woman and you are to blame for that. You need to be stronger and smarter and next time you will. But believe me I still feel for you. I mean ex in the picture or not, to drop an L bomb and do all those things, it's still beyond comprehension how she could allow herself to go that far.

 

The thing that makes my situation truly horrific is that this girl blatantly kept the long term ex that just dumped her before me a secret. And hey, if someone wants to tell a little white lie early on about the previous relationship being a lot shorter than it was so she doesn't scare a person off, I can UNDERSTAND that. But to lie, AND know you're clearly not over the person, well that's just borderline cruel and setting everything up for the disaster that it became.

[Beachead]

While I do feel for you a good amount, the only thing I will say with no offense is that at least you KNEW clear and full well that there was a long term ex right out of the gate that she CLEARLY was not over. The split second I saw this I would have been out. You allowed the relationship to go on with this completely confused, emotional and vulnerable woman and you are to blame for that. You need to be stronger and smarter and next time you will. But believe me I still feel for you. I mean ex in the picture or not, to drop an L bomb and do all those things, it's still beyond comprehension how she could allow herself to go that far.

 

The thing that makes my situation truly horrific is that this girl blatantly kept the long term ex that just dumped her before me a secret. And hey, if someone wants to tell a little white lie early on about the previous relationship being a lot shorter than it was so she doesn't scare a person off, I can UNDERSTAND that. But to lie, AND know you're clearly not over the person, well that's just borderline cruel and setting everything up for the disaster that it became.

 

Nope that's fine. You can slam me for it. Nothing you have said that I haven't already thought about 1000 times over.

 

My rational was no ones really rever clean going into a relationship by the time they are in their late 20's. There is always going to be something. My previous ex had been single for nearly 2 years when I met her and she still wasn't over her ex. All her problems started to arise after we started dating because she had spent the whole time burying her feelings about it. And that was why I ignored my usual criteria with this one and thought I'd give her the benefit of the doubt. Let their issues be their issues. It was move on my part that turned out to cost me. I don't regret it but I'll never advise anyone to do the same.

 

But your situation was unavoidable. Only move for you to take is to see her for the terrible person she is and know that your relationship was not meant to be. Her fault. Not yours. Your conscious is clean.

Edited February 22, 2018 by Beachead

[dumbass2]

It was a two month relationship and she lied and played games with you and you would actually consider going out with her again if she came back and made a grand apology? I see no scenario where you should want to take her back or talk to her ever again. None at all. I'm afraid as of right now you have learned nothing from this.

[Mac0908]

Let me clarify what I meant...

 

Never in a million years would I EVER simply allow her back completely after a grand apology. A grand apology would be nothing more than a START where afterwards it would be nothing but a casual relationship where I would need to see such drastic improvement on her part to the point where I’d think maybe, just maybe. So the way I worded it was incorrect.

Edited February 22, 2018 by Mac0908

[Beachead]

It was a two month relationship and she lied and played games with you and you would actually consider going out with her again if she came back and made a grand apology? I see no scenario where you should want to take her back or talk to her ever again. None at all. I'm afraid as of right now you have learned nothing from this.

 

I don't think OP said he would take her back.

 

What's there to learn? Get a PI when dating?

 

The only point at which he could have improved upon was leaving as soon as he found out the ex was in the picture. But when you're in it, and caught up in feelings and such..it's not so easy. When you care for someone, you give them the benefit of the doubt. You trust them. You don't really think so much into things at that time because you don't have the knowledge you have right now after it's all done. In that moment, you have to make judgement calls and you don't want to make the wrong one and possibly risk losing a partner you could have shared your life with. Regret is powerful. And you don't walk around on Red Alert all day/all night. If you do that, that relationship is over.

 

I would say, maybe there were little warning signs here and there, but overall. What more could he have done to change his situation? All he can do now is realize she's a terrible person.

 

I think OP's learned something but he's simply processing everything at the moment because he's grieving. That's why he's on here as most of us are. He's only had about a month of NC. That's just the start of what will transpire over the next few months for him.

[Mac0908]

I don't think OP said he would take her back.

 

What's there to learn? Get a PI when dating?

 

The only point at which he could have improved upon was leaving as soon as he found out the ex was in the picture. But when you're in it, and caught up in feelings and such..it's not so easy. When you care for someone, you give them the benefit of the doubt. You trust them. You don't really think so much into things at that time because you don't have the knowledge you have right now after it's all done. In that moment, you have to make judgement calls and you don't want to make the wrong one and possibly risk losing a partner you could have shared your life with. Regret is powerful. And you don't walk around on Red Alert all day/all night. If you do that, that relationship is over.

 

I would say, maybe there were little warning signs here and there, but overall. What more could he have done to change his situation? All he can do now is realize she's a terrible person.

 

I think OP's learned something but he's simply processing everything at the moment because he's grieving. That's why he's on here as most of us are. He's only had about a month of NC. That's just the start of what will transpire over the next few months for him.

 

Perfectly put. At the time aside from the blowoff this girl never did a bad or mean thing to me. Did I want to just walk away at some points during the push/pull game? Of course. But what did I know? For all I knew she was really going to blow the ex off anyway and come back to me and pick things up and things would be amazing again. She was playing around hard, texting me that she missed me and doesn’t want things to end. I called her out on the ridiculiousness of it all, but I was still unsure of how legit it all was at the time. I mean the day after the blowoff she’s in front of me with tears in her eyes saying she doesn’t want to lose me. This was not your textbook rebound situation.

 

If she was iffy from the start or we only had a small connection she’d be out of my life so fast after the blowoff that I wouldn’t remember her name by now. But when she came back the next day, my emotions were all over the place. Overall I think I handled the string along game ok. Not perfect, but ok. It has been almost a month of NC and I still think of her everyday regardless of how much I actually hate her. I just want this to go away but when you’re in it as beached said, it’s just hard sometimes.

[dumbass2]

I understand and emotions are still raw. Down the road a bit I'm sure the OP will see that she should not be allowed back in his life period. The

Learning I'm talking about comes at the break up and after, not while it was going on. She ended up showing him who she really is. A liar and a game player. I totally understand what happened as the relationship was developing. Really hard to see red flags sometimes. I've been there.

[Mac0908]

I guess part of me just still wants closure. When she posted that pic of her at the museum I was so disgusted that right then and there I knew this was going to be an uphill battle of getting over it all. I know this sounds extreme, but towards the end I felt more into this person than maybe anyone else in my life, even more than my one long term ex. It was all that good. It was that special feeling that I never thought I’d experience in my life. I’m 33 and have been through quite the hellacious dating world over the last few years.

 

So to see this go from absolutely amazing to absolute disaster was just too much for me to handle. Part of me wishes if nothing else she would at least throw a small apology my way someday so I could move forward easier, but sadly I doubt that will ever happen

[Beachead]

I guess part of me just still wants closure. When she posted that pic of her at the museum I was so disgusted that right then and there I knew this was going to be an uphill battle of getting over it all. I know this sounds extreme, but towards the end I felt more into this person than maybe anyone else in my life, even more than my one long term ex. It was all that good. It was that special feeling that I never thought I’d experience in my life. I’m 33 and have been through quite the hellacious dating world over the last few years.

 

So to see this go from absolutely amazing to absolute disaster was just too much for me to handle. Part of me wishes if nothing else she would at least throw a small apology my way someday so I could move forward easier, but sadly I doubt that will ever happen

 

I know exactly how you feel man. I'm 31 myself. The dating world is brutal. I didn't even expect to meet my ex last year and all that to happen th way it did because my mindset at the time was to just focus on getting my life together. I had just gotten over my previous ex and was in a good place emotionally. She came and broke through my guard and did all the right things to win me over.

 

But what we both miss is who we thought they were and who we wanted them to be. The relationship was simply not meant to last.

 

So, yes it will be an uphill battle because she broke your heart. The grieving will take time. Maybe a year even. Make sure you extend yourself the courtesy of that time. Anger, sadness, numbness is all normal.

 

For me, I struggled to get through 15 minutes in the day first. Fast forward to now, I can get get through the week just fine. Having said that, there have been periods of time that I really felt like I went backwards after I started to feel good. It was triggered by some hard truth my brain dropped on me, or a memory, or a dream. That's also normal. Your healing process will be different but when you average out your state of mind over the next year..you'll notice improvement. Block her off of social media. You don't want to see updates from her. You don't want to see anything from her. It'll just drive your anxiety up and make you feel like crap. The objective now is to heal yourself and to return to the composed guy you were when you didn't require her in your life.

 

I do still think about her and miss her but it isn't a crippling feeling anymore. Let the mind do it's thing, let yourself feel it all and just make sure you don't give up on yourself. Keep going.

[Mac0908]

Thank you for your words.

 

She was deleted off social media after I saw her post the pic of herself at the museum exhibit.

[Beachead]

Thank you for your words.

 

She was deleted off social media after I saw her post the pic of herself at the museum exhibit.

 

No worries man. I know it's rough. I have feeling you'll actually discover a lot about yourself from this experience over the course this year. Even if it's just one thing. All bad experiences teach us something or at the very least direct us towards where we've always needed to be. Atleast that's the case for me.

 

There is a nice coping thread in the "Coping" section of LS. It's a good place where everyone shares their day to day feelings and helps one another. Even a No Contact thread if you get that urge to talk to her again..you can just post on there. If you need it, it's there for you.

 

Goodluck

Edited February 22, 2018 by Beachead

[Mac0908]

A year seems over the top. I'm fairly confident I'll be completely over this within another couple of months max. And no, never in my wildest dreams would I reach out to her again. I’m not that inexperienced and desperate. I’ve already learned a few key things from all of this which is good…

 

1-This wasn’t my fault

 

2-Never underestimate human beings (especially hot girls)

 

3-I’m an amazing guy with a LOT to offer a girl. Everything else in my life is ok. I have a great job with great benefits, own my own places in a beautiful neighborhood, have good friends, good family, nice clothes, a nice car, etc. If she wasn’t down to come along for the ride and wanted to explore another wave with a deadbeat ex, then it REALLY is her loss. I’m aware of that. I’m not sitting here sobbing about how my life s-cks and how I’m completely miserable like so many do. I’m just sobbing about how its brutal this situation turned into what it did and how there was almost nothing I could have done. So reality is, I’m already doing ok. Probably 70% better imo. But that 30% is still crippling me a decent amount.

[Beachead]

A year seems over the top. I'm fairly confident I'll be completely over this within another couple of months max. And no, never in my wildest dreams would I reach out to her again. I’m not that inexperienced and desperate. I’ve already learned a few key things from all of this which is good…

 

1-This wasn’t my fault

 

2-Never underestimate human beings (especially hot girls)

 

3-I’m an amazing guy with a LOT to offer a girl. Everything else in my life is ok. I have a great job with great benefits, own my own places in a beautiful neighborhood, have good friends, good family, nice clothes, a nice car, etc. If she wasn’t down to come along for the ride and wanted to explore another wave with a deadbeat ex, then it REALLY is her loss. I’m aware of that. I’m not sitting here sobbing about how my life s-cks and how I’m completely miserable like so many do. I’m just sobbing about how its brutal this situation turned into what it did and how there was almost nothing I could have done. So reality is, I’m already doing ok. Probably 70% better imo. But that 30% is still crippling me a decent amount.

 

Well, even if it's just 30%, the help is here if needed. Awsesome man. Point of what I said was to be aware that healing takes time but if you're feeling confident, then that's good.

[Mac0908]

I just wanted to come back with one more thing for those who have read through this entire story. I wanted to go back to the foundation of this thread and just try and make sense of what exactly happened in the end.

 

For those who haven't read it all....

 

Basically, in a nutshell summary..

 

I was a rebound that this girl developed real feelings for, but when the ex returned, those emotions superseded anything she had for me and she bailed.

 

She went back to the ex, realized he was no good, then tried coming BACK to me the very next DAY, TOLD me she had real feelings for me, but reality was she only wanted to keep me on a back burner until things were completely over with the ex for good. I wasn't down for that, tried forcing her into a decision quick, and she wouldn't do it, while also using the excuse of that she thinks she really "ruined everything anyway" and that it would be so much pressure for her since she'd be scared to ever hurt me again. Admitted she was "very confused"

 

Still, she began using push/pull, sometimes hard push/pull trying to hang onto me via text for the next 2 weeks or so

 

2 weeks later after on and off texting I throw her one final long text offering a second chance. She says she still thinks things would be problematic for us going forward and she still feels she ruined things. I tell her I accept it. I'm done. She still however says she'd like to see me in the future with the museum exhibit. More push/pull til the very end!!

 

Eventually she blows the ex off for good but I never text her again and she never texts me. She eventually deletes our photos from social media and then I eventually delete her from my social media.

 

I then find her back on the dating site we met on as well as a paid dating site soon after.

 

So again I'll just ask, for those who want to give their two cents. What REALLY happened here? Was this girl just a complete phony all along? Did she REALLY think she could never come back to me after what she did?

Edited February 23, 2018 by Mac0908

[Space Ritual]

My analysis is simple:

 

 

Indeed it is...

 

But mine analysis is more simple than that.

 

Dude!!!

 

What the hell are you doing. 33? Are you kidding me?At 33 these low drama events should be a thing of the past.

 

Seems to me that although you had feelings for her, that after the first red flag you'd have been more aware. After a second one in such quick succession and the ensuing drama, really the only one you have to blame for any of it is yourself, You were so awe struck that you didn't kick her to the curb the second she mentioned an ex?

 

That was a lot to pack into your life in such a short span.

 

She must have been Hot as hell or her vagina was lined with Mink and Diamonds. She seems fairly skilled at Manipulation

 

End of 2x4

 

I know in a subsequent post was mentioned the dirtiest word in the English Language CLOSURE,

 

Closure is fleeting at best. It never goes the way it is envisioned by you beforehand.

 

The odds of getting the actual answers you seek from her are about as favorable as the odds that Elvis and Hitler are alive and running a McDonald's in Argentina.

 

Please delete this soulless husk of a woman from your life with extreme prejudice. Social Media,emails, phone numbers...everything.

 

Because the whole point of this exercise now is for you to reach a point of total indifference. People like this are better looking in a rear view mirror for a reason. Do not seek closure.... change your phone number, and get off dating sites. Life is too short to spend on Internet Romance Crapshoots.

 

Good Luck.

[Mac0908]

Indeed it is...

 

But mine analysis is more simple than that.

 

Dude!!!

 

What the hell are you doing. 33? Are you kidding me?At 33 these low drama events should be a thing of the past.

 

Seems to me that although you had feelings for her, that after the first red flag you'd have been more aware. After a second one in such quick succession and the ensuing drama, really the only one you have to blame for any of it is yourself, You were so awe struck that you didn't kick her to the curb the second she mentioned an ex?

 

That was a lot to pack into your life in such a short span.

 

She must have been Hot as hell or her vagina was lined with Mink and Diamonds. She seems fairly skilled at Manipulation

 

End of 2x4

 

I know in a subsequent post was mentioned the dirtiest word in the English Language CLOSURE,

 

Closure is fleeting at best. It never goes the way it is envisioned by you beforehand.

 

The odds of getting the actual answers you seek from her are about as favorable as the odds that Elvis and Hitler are alive and running a McDonald's in Argentina.

 

Please delete this soulless husk of a woman from your life with extreme prejudice. Social Media,emails, phone numbers...everything.

 

Because the whole point of this exercise now is for you to reach a point of total indifference. People like this are better looking in a rear view mirror for a reason. Do not seek closure.... change your phone number, and get off dating sites. Life is too short to spend on Internet Romance Crapshoots.

 

Good Luck.

 

I needed that. Thanks.

[Beachead]

I just wanted to come back with one more thing for those who have read through this entire story. I wanted to go back to the foundation of this thread and just try and make sense of what exactly happened in the end.

 

For those who haven't read it all....

 

Basically, in a nutshell summary..

 

I was a rebound that this girl developed real feelings for, but when the ex returned, those emotions superseded anything she had for me and she bailed.

 

She went back to the ex, realized he was no good, then tried coming BACK to me the very next DAY, TOLD me she had real feelings for me, but reality was she only wanted to keep me on a back burner until things were completely over with the ex for good. I wasn't down for that, tried forcing her into a decision quick, and she wouldn't do it, while also using the excuse of that she thinks she really "ruined everything anyway" and that it would be so much pressure for her since she'd be scared to ever hurt me again. Admitted she was "very confused"

 

Still, she began using push/pull, sometimes hard push/pull trying to hang onto me via text for the next 2 weeks or so

 

2 weeks later after on and off texting I throw her one final long text offering a second chance. She says she still thinks things would be problematic for us going forward and she still feels she ruined things. I tell her I accept it. I'm done. She still however says she'd like to see me in the future with the museum exhibit. More push/pull til the very end!!

 

Eventually she blows the ex off for good but I never text her again and she never texts me. She eventually deletes our photos from social media and then I eventually delete her from my social media.

 

I then find her back on the dating site we met on as well as a paid dating site soon after.

 

So again I'll just ask, for those who want to give their two cents. What REALLY happened here? Was this girl just a complete phony all along? Did she REALLY think she could never come back to me after what she did?

 

Well OP, you kind of answered your own question with the very first sentence there.

 

The feelings weren't real.

 

How do we know? Her actions. The ex came back and she bailed. Nothing else to read on there. It tells the whole story.

 

Push and pull was just to keep you fixed on her. When you didn't take the bait, she gave up and moved onto the dating site. You know what that tells me? She gets bored fast and she's the type who can't be alone for long. Needs a guy to validate her existence. Even needs one to help her move on from the previous one. She's 27 but she's got the maturity of a 21 year old. I'd even wager that breakup with her ex was caused by her also. Chicks like her won't calm down until later in life.

 

She's a waste of time

Edited February 23, 2018 by Beachead