Completely broken

[vampslayer29]

Hi guys,

So a few weeks back my boyfriend tried to break up with me, over very rational things (future plans etc) not because of a lack of feeling. We ended up working things out but he did mention to me that sometimes my mental health (anxiety and depression) can be frustrating for him.

Flash forward to yesterday and I thought he was coming over just to hang out because he was making all these future plans. I was supposed to meet his brother that just came home from overseas and we had a family vacation organised with them. But when he came over he randomly just sat me down and told me that my mental health issues were starting to get to him. I have never felt more awful than I have in that moment. I have honestly been doing so much better the past few weeks and not just relying on him for support. I did have one anxiety attack but he assured me he would not run when it happened. He told me that he can see I’m getting better but he still can’t do it anymore. He is also going through a lot in his own life right now. He is massively overworked and stressed because he is moving houses. I honestly don’t think he copes with his own stressors well. But the way he broke up with me I thought was quite insensitive and cold. He’s now not answering my calls.

I honestly want to fix my mental health issues more than anything but right now I am feeling like a shell of a person. I have abandonment issues and this just feels like my worse fear has come true. Especially because I did not see it coming. If he still loves me what can I do to show him that I will do anything to make him happy? Should I implore the no contact and just try to work on myself for a bit? He is honestly the love of my life and I really want to be with him.

Also how do you guys feel better? I feel like there’s no hope.

[Zahara]

He’s now not answering my calls.

 

Why are you calling him? He's ended the relationship with you and you need to step back and let it go. I think your calls are only going to push him further away.

 

I honestly want to fix my mental health issues more than anything but right now I am feeling like a shell of a person. I have abandonment issues and this just feels like my worse fear has come true. Especially because I did not see it coming. If he still loves me what can I do to show him that I will do anything to make him happy? Should I implore the no contact and just try to work on myself for a bit? He is honestly the love of my life and I really want to be with him.

Also how do you guys feel better? I feel like there’s no hope.

 

I think the priority here is to focus on your issues/therapy and figure out how to make yourself happy first. You can't make anyone happy if you're not content within yourself. Don't strive for change because you want to hold onto someone but because you want to better yourself for your own future.

 

Yes, implement the NC rule and use the time on your own emotional and mental development.

 

Unfortunately, these types of situations can often drain a partner and cause them to lose feelings/interest. Maybe in time when you are feeling better, and he is single, you can reach out to him but for now, you need to respect his decision to end it and move on.

 

PS: A month ago, he broke up with you over a separate issue. You had to have seen this coming. When people keep breaking up, it's usually because it's broken.

Edited February 20, 2018 by Zahara

[CaliBabe]

You need a therapist, someone with credentials in this kind of healing and you should implement strict NC. When someone leaves the worse thing you can do is not respect their wishes and beg and plead. Very unattractive. Your main focus right now should be anything to make yourself mentally and physically better. All energy and focus is on you. You can do this! If he comes back or not, you will be in a more advantageous place.

[d0nnivain]

In this instance your abandonment issues are not in your head. He's rejected you & yes that sucks. Not everybody can or wants to deal with an anxious or depressed partner. I suffer from both & know how hard it can be for my husband. My EX was bipolar & that was one helluva train ride, one I'm glad I'm not on permanently. I had to make him going on & staying on his meds a condition of us staying together.

 

 

Forget your EX BF for a minute. Yes, I know that is hard in the throws of this. But try.

 

 

Now, vow to get yourself under control for you. When you have a handle on your emotions you will feel soooo much better.

[springy]

He really wanted to break up the first time but perhaps you were able to kind of talk him out of it? That may be why he is ignoring your calls now, because he doesn't want that to happen again. I would take the silence as a sign to stop trying to make contact. As a previous poster said, it's really not a good look.

 

I think this is a great time to continue the work you were doing for your anxiety/depression for yourself, not him. I lost a relationship to depression once. I realize it was not an easy thing for him to deal with. Continue working on you, for you.

 

Are you still planning your overseas trip? Sounds like something to look forward to.

[vampslayer29]

I really want to get better, but it’s so hard. I’ve been suffering with this since I was ten years old. Right now I feel so much worse because I was happier for a bit. Sometimes I just find it hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Especially when things never seem to go right. I want to try to see this as a lesson I can learn from but I just don’t know how.

I am also on medication and I went off them for a few days and had some bad days. He also said that I’m an adult and he shouldn’t have to worry about me coming off them. It was kind of a slap in the face..

I am wanting to go overseas but I’m also terrified that being in an environment where I am completely alone will make everything so much worse.

Edited February 20, 2018 by vampslayer29

[Rainah]

As someone who suffers with anxiety and depression being abandoned by the one you love and believe lives you enough through thick and and thin but abandons you is an awful feeling. Reality is that he has checked out if the relationship. The best thing right now is to help heal yourself whether its doctors, medication or therapy and on top of that a distraction from the anxiety and depressive thoughts about the relationship and break up. I find reading a really good book helps with the continuously obsessive thoughts. Also don't contact him at all otherwise it will push him away.

[MindYourBusiness]

I was in a situation that reminds me a lot of yours. First - know that you will get better and that you will be abslutley fine without him, if not even better, My break up was 3 weeks ago, I was crying on th bathroom flor for nights, had a bad vertigo because of that emotional stress and the list goes on.

I havent cried in one week. I am actually doing okay! I have moments where Im like WOW I am so much happier without that douchebag.

 

The bottom line is that you cant force someone to be with you while going through anxiety or depression. I came to realize that a lot of men claim to understand what anxiety or depression means but they simply dont. He is probably lacking in some aspects too and cant support you the way you need him to. This is not about you. This is about him. He is hurting too because of some events in his life but he is not at the stage where you already are: you are aware and sharing.

So please dont ever think thank there is something wrong with you.

Move on and find you a man that takes care of your soul. I promise you these men exist. You dont need anyone who makes you feel like you are hard to love and leaves you alone when you need them the most. Let him go, you are better off.

[CrazyKatLady]

I feel your pain. Forget him. Seriously. If he had cared, you wouldn't be sweating your "mental health." That was a crappy thing to blame a break up on. He isn't even worth your time and obviously loving nature...you are correct...nobody should be treated that way or let your weaknesses be used as an excuse to leave you. He has the real issues dear. Not you.

Mankind barely invented a cell phone decades ago, but we have been around thousands to supposedly hundreds of thousands of years? Do you really think what mankind classifies as "mental impairments" for sensitive people are the full truth of why a person behaves or acts a way they do? Nope. Feeling pain is your body's way of telling you that something is wrong. Listen to it. Take time to heal-he's so not worth it in the end. At least you were trying to make things right for you--did he honestly ever do that for you? Doesn't really seem like it. Some people just do not have a whole lot to give to others, they would rather keep it for themselves. And that is fine-if anything, the pain of your separation will help motivate you to find a man who is more sensitive to your future and your goals in a partnership...what a putz...I wouldn't sweat him to much...I know it probably feels hard to realize or feel that way right now, but it gets SOOOO much better after a few months of NC. Don't EVER go back to a person who lays a breakup on mental illness. Especially if you were the only one seeking treatment--if that was your only issue in life and you wanted him to be happy, then I am sorry but he did not love you. Love never fails. You know that though, because you are here-hurting because you did not give up on him...but remember that he walked away...you may see the light one day and realize a person like that doesn't deserve your time and love.

I always wonder about the people who say to steer clear of "mental impaired" people...and to work on it yourself, and blah, blah, blah...

I wonder if these people ever consider getting older and being diagnosed with debilitating cancer, or alzheimer's (my grandmother had this, I took care of her for 7 years-it was painful to watch), or had an accident and went into a coma--does that mean I can just walk away from them because they have a "physical impairment" and it is just to much for me to handle===pretty freaking cold hearted advice if you ask me---and completely valid as walking away from "mental impairment." So, the next time you get down and out about your breakup--remember, that you are a much better person than he could ever be, and one day, even the mentally agile will be faced with some kind of impairment of their own...I say: don't be like you were treated.

Also, on the NC rule--if this applies to people who were once "so in love" and it is acceptable--does this mean I can get away with NC towards anybody I ever loved? Who would walk away from a child they loved and do NC because that child needed time to work on their problems and behaviors before you were going to deal with them again--NOBODY in their right mind would do that-I hope! So, why the heck is it acceptable for adults to treat other adults with such a load of manure as NC? It doesn't even make sense-like, ever-unless they really are completely dangerous...but I would suggest NC anyway--I have come to learn, the people who look down on "mental illness" and suggest to go work on yourself instead are right---who wants to be around that kind of attitude anyways? Everybody is working on their lives at every time of the day---it is the natural progression in life to move forward, even when we do not want to. You are growing everyday-and the lessons that are really painful are the ones that you learned in an unnatural manner because that is where the other persons life was heading and are not from a good place. Try to get back to a good place, there is hope. Stay away from the people who bring you to pain--they probably have an impairment of the heart.

[CrazyKatLady]

P.S. I have Asperger's Syndrome. It is a recent diagnosis and every social interaction I ever had while dating was filled with confusion for me. I cannot interpret social cues/situations readily and I have consequently ended up with men who have severely used me before simply because I could not decipher the difference between when a man would tell me he loved me, and his actions that really showed everyone around us that he was only concerned with a free ride or something physical...I avoid romantic interactions for the most part now because of the danger I have found myself in in the past, but I sometimes hope that someone will care for me in-spite of my mental medical history. this is why I feel deeply for your post. I hope that others with mental impairments (no offense to anyone) are able to better find love and trust in a man than I have been. I think you and I and others are smart enough to decipher that when someone walks away, this means it is time to let go. A person who truly cares for you will not leave your side through difficult times. They will be your biggest cheerleader. That is the love we all deserve if we are going to commit to it. It makes for a much better post too! Hope you get some nice relaxation time in and take good care of you for now.

[Genlean]

Take care of yourself. If your boyfriend is not supportive of your situation and struggles, then you should let him go.

Relationships come and go. I know that it may seem like he is the best for you, at this time. However, it is time to focus on yourself.

It will not be easy, yet it will be what is best for yourself. Finding who you are and leading to wellness. Your well-being is key to any future relationships. And if your boyfriend truly loves and cares for you, he will search for you.

Prayers of support and wellness for you.

[vampslayer29]

So I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching for the past ten days. Including seeing a therapist. I have realised what I did wrong. All of my fears and everything is manifesting from my severe abandonment issues after my father left me

two months ago I went on vacation for ten days and I think I realised how much I loved my boyfriend. I also realised how much he loved me, he could not stop telling me how much he loved me and how much agony he was in when we were apart. I think that fear of losing what I cared about so much made me react in a super needy and clingy way to him. I kept trying to test him to make him show me he still loved me. I was always depressed and I kept having panic attacks. He became the only person I could confide in (all my girlfriends got into relationships and stopped wanting to hang out).

I’ve been doing so much better accepting and fixing myself. What a roller coaster. My ex and I are in no contact for the past ten days. It was also my birthday and he didn’t message me. I have been posting a few things on social media when I’m out with friends (me being happy). And he just saw one and deleted me off Instagram but not Facebook. I think he didn’t want to be reminded of me.

Okay after that massive backstory guys, please help me make my next move. I know that I ruined the relationship and it is such a helpless feeling. I want to be better and I want that to be with him. I know I have to try otherwise I’ll feel that regret for not trying to fix it. He is honestly the most amazing guy. Is the best thing I can do just keep doing NC for another two weeks and send a casual message not related to the relationship. Or should I send him a heartfelt message that addresses the issues I’ve made?

[d0nnivain]

Do not send him a heartfelt message. It's only been 10 days. Real change on the magnitude of what you face, takes years. You need this time for yourself.

 

You recognize where you went wrong: testing him, being clingy, expecting him to fill all of your emotional needs etc. Learn from those mistakes so you don't commit them in your next relationship.

 

For now, work on being a whole, healthy person on your own. Get into therapy if you haven't already. Learn to love yourself. When you are more balanced, a healthier love will come into your life.

 

FWIW, happy belated birthday.

[Zahara]

Ten days isn’t enough time invested when it comes to change. I think you’re looking for ways to justify contact. You’re self-reflecting and that’s good but it takes long term commitment and effort to foster change. You need to truly focus on your issues and prioritize your self-development rather than your ex/relationship. Your ex/relationship is a crutch that enables you to avoid facing your issues.

 

Stay NC. Work on loving you, rebuilding your self-esteem and rediscovering your sense of self. The best relationship you can have is the one within yourself. You need to focus on that and the rest will follow.

Edited March 2, 2018 by Zahara

[1fish2fish]

I think it would help you heal by deleting and blocking him on fb. You said you posted a few pics showing you happy and out with friends, and it sounds like you wanted him to see.

 

The focus should be on you and your healing, not on trying to show your ex that you've made changes. Who are you doing it for? Him or you?

 

As someone who also has depression and anxiety, I agree with what other posters have said. 10 days of doing better does not equal change. Yes, they are steps in the right direction, but true change takes years.

 

Please delete your ex from all forms of social media!