dangerous Posted February 19, 2018 Share Posted February 19, 2018 My GF and I broke up last week (after a year). It was a mutual decision, as we agreed we weren't making eachother fully happy and we are not ready to progress our relationship (eg. to living together). We have remained friends and probably with benefits. Ultimately, I want to find a woman to settle with but my GF says she doesn't know if she will ever be ready. We are both in our fifties. I want to start dating again, other women. My dilemma is do I need to spell this out to my ex? I figure that as we have already agreed our breakup, do I need to keep checking? My preference is to keep her as FWB rather than lose her completely. Of course there is always the danger she will take exception, but why tell her until I meet someone I want to sleep with? Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted February 19, 2018 Share Posted February 19, 2018 If you are sleeping with her, then you owe her the truth. ESPECIALLY if you are having unprotected sex. Of course, I totally understand not wanting the drama of having the discussion, so if you really want to avoid the angst, don't use her as a FWB. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted February 19, 2018 Share Posted February 19, 2018 Yes, you definitely need to tell her so she can make the decision for herself about still continuing to sleep with you if you're going to potentially be sleeping with others. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
DarrenB Posted February 19, 2018 Share Posted February 19, 2018 but why tell her until I meet someone I want to sleep with? Why? Because it's the courteous thing to do. How would you like it if you was in her position and she had no intention of telling you but keeping you on the sideline as some sort of f*ck buddy? Empathy mate, empathy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CantTakeMySmile Posted February 19, 2018 Share Posted February 19, 2018 Yes, yes, yes. It is the right thing to do. One needs all the information before they can make an informed decision. I was in the psotition before, and I didn't tell my ex. I hurt her very badly, which I feel horrible for. I didn't think it was a "big deal"... well,, yeah, it is, Do the right thing? Why not? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GetyourEx Posted February 21, 2018 Share Posted February 21, 2018 In my opinion I would to ask her advice if you are good friends. I have such relationship myself and if I tell her some of my life that is going on (we are in long distance relationship). But know that sometimes telling stuff like that trigger the regret in the other person even if you ended it well. Still its better for her to know in my opinion Link to post Share on other sites
NopeNah Posted February 21, 2018 Share Posted February 21, 2018 (edited) In my opinion I would to ask her advice if you are good friends. I have such relationship myself and if I tell her some of my life that is going on (we are in long distance relationship). But know that sometimes telling stuff like that trigger the regret in the other person even if you ended it well. Still its better for her to know in my opinion Same here.. I'm friends with an ex I dated after marriage. We meet up sometimes when I go out of town for business trips. She gets to see a new cool place(not much of a traveller herself),gives us some companionship..we're FWB..But, I also talk to her about my dating life and she tells me about hers..it's nice. But, OP... I wouldn't tell her right now if you,and be honest with yourself(!!!), are using this as a manipulation tactic, with 'hopes' of you two getting back together. That's the vibe I got when I first read it. Edited February 21, 2018 by Praying4Daylight Link to post Share on other sites
Author dangerous Posted February 21, 2018 Author Share Posted February 21, 2018 (edited) Thanks all for the replies. Update is we met for coffee and talked although she holds back and doesn't really say what she wants, instead asking me to decide. I told her, we are not happy together and we need to take until the weekend to decide what exactly we will do. Further she was very opinionated/ critical about a couple of day to day matters, which I found irritating and didn't endear her to me at all. As I walked away she was distinctly moody/sad and I was fed up. She then texted me several times over the next 24 hours, telling me "Hope to hear from you" and "Thank you for being patient with me" "I think I understand how you feel and I respect that" and then this morning "God I fancy you you're ** gorgeous! x" and lots of efforts to keep in touch, but I've been short and matter of fact, but pleasant enough. Conversely last night she accused me of being too tired to text her back but she saw that I checked Facebook (at 10pm just before I went to bed). IMHO, this confirms my experience and opinion of her "hot and cold" behaviour and insecurities/ fear of being alone. The exact reasons why we have grown apart. Today, I feel more convinced that she needs to sort herself out and that we are not good together, and I have invited her to meet on Friday after work when I intend to tell her clearly that we are through as lovers. I believe that she needs professional help(therapy) for her insecurity and anger issues (which are long term and we previously discussed it), and if and when she has worked on that then and only then I would reconsider our relationship, but I would support her through it as a friend if she wants that. Does this all sound fair to tell her? Edited February 21, 2018 by dangerous Link to post Share on other sites
Veronica73 Posted February 21, 2018 Share Posted February 21, 2018 Personally, I wouldn’t criticize her at all. If you’re not going to be with her, it is not longer your place to tell her what her problems are and what she should do about them. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted February 21, 2018 Share Posted February 21, 2018 Today, I feel more convinced that she needs to sort herself out and that we are not good together, and I have invited her to meet on Friday after work when I intend to tell her clearly that we are through as lovers. I believe that she needs professional help(therapy) for her insecurity and anger issues (which are long term and we previously discussed it), and if and when she has worked on that then and only then I would reconsider our relationship, but I would support her through it as a friend if she wants that. Does this all sound fair to tell her? I'm glad that you're moving on from her altogether. As an ex, it would be completely out of line for you to tell her that she needs professional help or therapy for her issues. Unsolicited advice from the person who's just dumped you never goes down well. If you wanted to consider seeing her after she seeks therapy, you should have had the conversation while you were still her boyfriend. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mrs rubble Posted February 22, 2018 Share Posted February 22, 2018 I think you should take a bit of time to reflect before you jump into dating again, your original post said you'd only broken up a week ago....but your most recent say's you've only just finally called it off. Give yourself a bit of time! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author dangerous Posted February 22, 2018 Author Share Posted February 22, 2018 "If you wanted to consider seeing her after she seeks therapy, you should have had the conversation while you were still her boyfriend. " I already did. Thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted February 22, 2018 Share Posted February 22, 2018 Remaining FWB with her is a bad idea. It will get messy. Date if you like, but I think trying to keep her in your life as a friend or FWB at this point is not realistic. Link to post Share on other sites
l8estnews Posted February 22, 2018 Share Posted February 22, 2018 I don't understand this setup. Why break-up if you still spend time together and have sex together and obviously both of you are still anxious about leaving each other for good? LOL, that's cake eating. Enjoying the benefits of a relationship without the relationship. If you broke up, then severe all ties that define you as a couple! Put up your boundaries again, no sex, and no friendship (for the mean time) to severe the lingering emotional connection. and to think this is coming from someone nearing the 30s ugh Link to post Share on other sites
Author dangerous Posted February 22, 2018 Author Share Posted February 22, 2018 (edited) Yes I agree that breaking up, no FWB is the best thing. As to breaking all friendship, I'm not so sure, as its a mutual recognition that our relationship isn't going anywhere, and we still care for eachother as people/friends. But I do recognise that friendship could be fraught with dangers of complications (especially if one of us gets another BF/GF) but only time will tell. In any case, this thread has achieved its purpose for me in that you guys have clarified that staying together and moving to FWB is wrong. Thank you Edited February 22, 2018 by dangerous 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mmathers Posted February 24, 2018 Share Posted February 24, 2018 FWB? u crazy, boy sex is never without emotion. you know what happens right? its a hormonal , emotional bond from oxytocin, more so with women. if you 'need' sex that bad, get a hooker, that is NOT a put down, but a practical approach. u dont want to be with her, u ended it. do the honorable thing and move on and take what comes. keeping her for your sexual gratification is pretty selfish but beyond that sex comes with others: std's are rising in the usa, unwanted pregnancy, drama, accusations of rape/sexual assault. Link to post Share on other sites
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