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Are these breadcrumbs?


Breaks and Breaking Up It happens to most everyone at some point in life! Share your experiences!

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Old 11th February 2018, 8:04 PM   #1
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Diary of Recent Breakup Sufferings

Iím going to use this forum as my place to journal over the next however long it takes to get over this. Feel free to add any advice or comfort. I can take criticism...please be gentle.

Iíve posted in these forums before, about the same girl, at different points in our relationship. A little history: I got divorced 3 years ago. Iíve got a 5 yo daughter with shared, equal custody. The marriage ended with the ex wife having an affair (theyre now married with 2 kids). I met a girl online 2 years ago. It was a rocky start, possibly bc of my massive insecurities and possibly bc sheís a bit cryptic. Anyway, we dated for a year and I broke up with her. Reasons were that I felt she was lazy, not the best mother, unappreciative, rude, etc. She did have some good qualities, however. She was beautiful, funny, an introvert like myself, smart, and I loved the sex. She was devastated from the breakup. After about a month of being apart I thought I made a huge mistake and begged for her back.

She took me back and we embarked on another year. Over that year, I started having all of these issues with life in general. I felt like she wasnít very interested in my daughter. My daughter was jealous of her. She still didnít discipline her son. Still unappreciative. But I still loved her and she still loved me. I also had a terrible time at work with people leaving my group, major projects over budget, excessive workload, and a couple of professional failures. My house also sustained some damage that will likely cost me tens of thousands of dollars to fix. I lost a lifelong friend due to an argument regarding the relationship. My sister essentially cut everyone out of her life. Life was simply becoming too much for me. And she wasnít helping. She didnít seem to have any compassion for my woes. We were on the rocks and I didnít care if the relationship ended. Losing the relationship seemed like it would make my life a little easier....boy was I wrong.

So the relationship dissolved and we broke up about a month ago, somewhat mutually and amicably. She still continued to text me about random things over the last few weeks, sometimes questioning the decision.

I am now completely regretting this and had a total change of heart, wishing for us to work it out. I feel such intense abandonment and depression. Itís absolutely suffocating. Crushing. The same feelings most people describe on here. Like I canít go on. Like nobody else will ever compare to her. Regretting every poor decision I ever made with her. Blaming myself for the whole thing. I wonít be able to love again. An so on.

Iíve pinned some of our issues on the fact that I stopped taking Lexapro earlier this year. It really helped me not sweat the small stuff. After stopping it, I constantly sweated the small stuff and convinced myself that we shouldnít be together. I decided last night in a last ditch effort to change her mind that I should resume Lexapro. I practically begged her to come back with the explanation that no Lexapro = bad relationship. She said she has no interest in trying again.

So fellow sufferers, whatís next? Iíll just be diary-ing here until this goes away. Hopefully sooner rather than later.
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Old 12th February 2018, 7:55 AM   #2
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Sorry you are going through this... seems like you are going though a really rough patch in your life.

I would agree with your ex that she has no interest in trying again, I have the same mentality about getting back together. It usually never happens, so it if didn't work the second time... why it would work the third time?

I would give her space and let her live her life. Besides, you were complaining about her earlier right? Not being appreciative, slightly rude, etc. Now that she is gone, you miss her a great deal. I COMPLETELY understand how you feel. I got dumped last week by a girl I really liked but had doubts/concerns about... now I can't stop thinking about her.

Writing a daily diary on here is therapeutic, it helped me get through a major and traumatic break-up. I also found solace in helping others on this forum and others. We're all here to support one another.

As one of my friends used to tell me, "If you can't help yourself, help others."
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Old 12th February 2018, 8:02 AM   #3
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This is not even the beginning of Day 2 and itís not looking good.

She doesnít care. She might care about me but I donít think sheís devastated or anything. I woke up very early this morning after having a dream about her. In the dream we were still somewhat together but also not. She was spending the night with a friend while I worked. There was some type of party and I couldnít get it out of my head that she was going to meet someone else or do something risky. I suppose thatís in the back of my mind in real life, as well.

This pain is so real. Why are we wired to even feel this way? Why can I only think of her as an angel now but when we were together I could only see the bad things about her? Maybe in time Iíll have a more realistic picture of this relationship but for now it seems that everything was my fault. I am a complete douche and was even somewhat proud of myself when we first started to dissolve. I thought ďlook at me. Iím strong enough to let this toxic relationship go right out the door without a care in the world.Ē Well look at me now.

My biggest fear is that she was really the most perfect person picked out for me and I mind-f@$ked myself out of it. I was enamored with her when we first met. She was the prettiest girl Iíd ever been with.

I realize this probably sounds like the ramblings of a lunatic. Well, thatís about how I feel.
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Old 12th February 2018, 9:58 AM   #4
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Thanks Jedi. Youíre correct. She doesnít want to try again and she probably has good reason not to. It ended for a reason, I complained about her, and sheís in a better place with it than I am with it. I canít even make any excuses. It just sucks. Itís opened up wounds from decades ago and caused me to question my role in all other relationships.

Iíll continue to post here and offer help and an open ear where I can. Iím grateful for this forum.
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Old 12th February 2018, 10:06 AM   #5
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TeddyPSmith View Post
It ended for a reason, I complained about her, and she’s in a better place with it than I am with it. I can’t even make any excuses. It just sucks. It’s opened up wounds from decades ago and caused me to question my role in all other relationships.

I’ll continue to post here and offer help and an open ear where I can. I’m grateful for this forum.
Perhaps this is your time to properly process your old wounds and not allow them to drag down your next relationship. Believe me, I had to properly process my old break-up before I could move on to the next one.

The emotions of the past will haunt your future, unless you learn from them.
You are stronger than you think.

And feel free to comment on my latest thread! Even I am still a little heartbroken over it haha.
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Old 12th February 2018, 5:04 PM   #6
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Sounds like you need to find another girl that doesn't enable a toxic relationship. You need someone who respects you and your daughter, is honorable and respectful. Please be aware of any 'red flags' that you come across. I'll stand with you that thru patience and love for your daughter, you will come across a loving, great girl that you can share your life with.
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Old 13th February 2018, 8:17 AM   #7
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Most of yesterday was miserable. I knew that Iíd be getting my daughter after work and having to keep it together in front of her seemed pretty tough. I was instantly happy to see her when I picked her up from school. What an uplifting little creature our kids can be! Once we got home she started to act kinda solemn. I did my usual projection of feelings and assumed she was sad about not seeing ex and her son again. She was asking why her mom and I didnít stay married. She asked about my ex and her son.!She really liked her son. They played together a lot on weekends. We had a pre-packaged family and I f@&king ruined it. I had to explain again that we probably wouldnít see them anymore or maybe for a long while. She understands something about relationships ending.

I sobbed in the back room several times while she played. Then for some reason my attitude just improved tremendously. We were eating and making a project for school that I was really into. Maybe that did it, I donít know. But I all of a sudden I saw a brighter future. I didnít care so much about my ex and thought of her faults instead of mine. I thought that thereís a whole world of dating opportunities out there. Things seemed hopeful. I really enjoyed that!

Waking up this morning is kind of the same old though. Sheís the first thing on my mind. Canít stop wondering if sheís seeing someone else. Whenís it gonna happen? When is it ok for ME to hook up with someone? If I did that it would surely seal the deal on us (yes I know thatís a stupid way to think).

Oh well, gotta push onward through the day. I am however thankful that I can feel this pain. Years ago I learned to block out emotional pain and itís been almost impossible for me to cry. I think it was really bad for me mentally and emotionally to not get it out. Maybe God has a hand in all of this.
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Old 13th February 2018, 11:51 AM   #8
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When is it ok for ME to hook up with someone? There are no stead-fast rules here, but would you want to hook up with someone while in love with your ex?


How long since you have cut her out of your life? NC? block? etc?
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Old 13th February 2018, 12:40 PM   #9
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Good point. It only matters if I am hoping that we will get back together and that hooking up with someone would ruin that. Iíve got to get in my mind that itís completely and unequivocally OVER. I just have to make sure that it is.

Iíve not done NC but itís dwindling away to that
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Old 13th February 2018, 1:08 PM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TeddyPSmith View Post
Good point. It only matters if I am hoping that we will get back together and that hooking up with someone would ruin that. Iíve got to get in my mind that itís completely and unequivocally OVER. I just have to make sure that it is.

Iíve not done NC but itís dwindling away to that




I, personally, would not date anyone until you are over her. I don't see the point in that.
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Old 13th February 2018, 3:27 PM   #11
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Yes I completely agree with not dating anyone until Iím over her. However meaningless copulation is what I was referring to. In a weird way it would feel like I was cheating on her
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Old 13th February 2018, 5:07 PM   #12
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everyone is different. Meaningless sex when I am still in love with someone, hurts me way worse. But, you know you, and if you have had success with that being a motivator to move on, then go for it
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Old 13th February 2018, 9:42 PM   #13
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Everything was telling me to break up with her. Now all I want is her. What the heck is wrong with me
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Old 14th February 2018, 8:21 AM   #14
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Yesterday and this morning are particularly hard. The sharp spells of non stop sobbing seem to be replaced by desperation and a dull depression. Iím considering making one last effort, a long letter to her, to get her back. But when I think of her possibly coming back, it actually reminds me of the reasons we broke up. Iím conflicted. Doesnít matter bc Iím sure sheís done. I think it would buy me peace to extend all efforts though.

Iím beginning to see that Iíve got some deep personal issues that need to be resolved either way. Iíve gone to several counselors over the years, not really clicking with many of them. The one I liked the best retired unfortunately. Time to start trying again.
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Old 15th February 2018, 6:07 AM   #15
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The loneliness is unreal. What is she up to? Just last week she was still texting me every couple says about innocuous BS. She was friendly. Then I demanded that we swap our things, I suppose for closure. It has deteriorated into zero contact now and I suppose Iíll never see or hear from her again. The finality of it all sometimes hits me like a ton of bricks and I just lose it. Iíve got to carry a hat, sunglasses, and visine everywhere I go. I think Iíve dropped 15 lb.

Itís ironic that I thought I wanted to be single and alone while we were still together. The relationship had slipped away to that point. God I wish I wouldíve worked on our issues instead of being so stubborn. She was also stubborn but I couldíve done my part. Note to anyone thatís complacent and arrogant in your relationship...when theyíre gone, theyíre gone and being alone isnít all itís cracked up to be.
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