i left but I still love her

[jayinblue]

Hard to believe how much time has gone by, but here we are again. I married someone I posted about on here a couple of years ago. It’s sad and insane how life turns out sometimes. Our marriage was rocky as hell. Lots of fighting, she constantly accusing me of having affairs I didn’t have, turned verbally, emotionally and on occasion physically abusive. I finally got up the nerve to leave, and started going no contact... initially felt brave for going, then sad for leaving. She tries to apologize, but after everything she put me through, I can’t bring myself to believe her, and tell her we’re probably through.

 

So forward a month. I have my own house now, have my daughter settled, but can’t bring myself to go anywhere or do much but work and keep my mind busy. I call her and tell her I need to talk about paperwork for divorce and timelines. She cries about me going. I cry about leaving, acknowledge I love her, but don’t see a future given how awful she treated me. She says she wants to reconcile and will do “anything.” I am unsure and now confused, because in spite of it all, I do love and care about her. More crying, she sits by me, and all of a sudden, I can’t keep my hands off of her. We make love, it’s amazing.

 

Afterwards, leave bedroom, and we’re in the kitchen, her phone rings. The name on front pops up. It says “Jack.” Who’s that? I ask. First she tells me it’s a random guy in coffee house, and then later, confesses it’s her ex boyfriend Anthony.

 

Mind blown. I know I left, and I know I found a new place to live, but I am blown away she’s talking to this guy who was (at least according to her) a dirt bag who tried to ruin her life, and who nearly derailed our marriage. Tells me that it didn’t mean anything, she didn’t do anything with him, but they had been talking.

 

I was sure leaving was right, then became on the fence when I realized I missed her and reconnected, and now am feeling very confused. I want to talk to her, but also worried about my sanity if I do. I haven’t been running out phoning ex girlfriends and setting up dates in the month after I left, and feel heartbroken all over again.... help?

[David87]

Remember you left for a reason.. don't get burned twice by the same flame.

[PegNosePete]

Tells me that it didn’t mean anything, she didn’t do anything with him, but they had been talking.

If you believe this then I have a bridge to sell you.

 

Also very strange that she put him under a different name on her phone.

 

If I were you I'd be done.

[NopeNah]

My guess...All the times she'd accuse you of having affairs = Her projecting her own infidelities with "jack" the "dirtbag". Stay away from her.

[Happy Lemming]

How about hiring an attorney and let your attorney communicate for you??

 

I had one real estate deal that wasn't going well. It was getting worse and worse, so I refused to talk to the person and let my calm, cool-headed attorney do all the talking for me.

 

I know a real estate deal isn't the same as a divorce, but sometimes an attorney can be worth his/her weight in gold. They are not emotional and will advocate for you.

 

Go "No Contact" and don't waiver from that position, if she calls, don't answer and refer the voice message to your attorney.

Edited February 13, 2018 by Happy Lemming

[jayinblue]

Thanks all for the thoughts. I thought it weird as hell she had him under a different name. It’s just all very sad. I feel equally stupid since I am the one who moved out because she was totally abusive, and yet here I am struggling...

[NopeNah]

Thanks all for the thoughts. I thought it weird as hell she had him under a different name. It’s just all very sad. I feel equally stupid since I am the one who moved out because she was totally abusive, and yet here I am struggling...

Dude..no offense,but it's not weird. She's F'n shady as hell! And she was abusive and you miss her why? Therapy or some serious soul searching you need to do,my friend.

[whichwayisup]

She accused you of cheating probably because (hate to say it) she was cheating on you! Get tested for STD's asap!

 

Your marriage is/was toxic, the love may be there but the way you two are together, that unhealthy dynamic (emotional and physical abuse) is damaging and NOT good for your child.

 

File for divorce, get counseling to help you get over her and to help you gain strength when you do have to deal with her on occasions in a healthy way that you don't end up in bed with her again. She is your poison!

[jayinblue]

Hate to say it, but the affair thing is my deepest fear, and one that I think is true. The really stupid thing is I am sitting here trying to make sense of my feelings and feel like she’s just called the other dude for emotional support, and yet I miss her. It just feels so sad and confusing. I can keep it together for a while, then whamo, i’m feeling sad and missing her.

 

And yes she’s my perfect bug light. I keep getting drawn in and zapped. I also subtly love and hate the universe at the moment. I mean, come on, the one night we’re together in over a month, and the dude happens to call? The odds are staggering.

 

I guess I also felt like we went through so much, and I took so much abuse and weathered so many storms, that somehow it had to all be worth it. Stupid crazy thinking I know, but it’s how I feel anyway

[SpecialJ]

Just out of curiosity, was she suddenly willing to do anything because she'd learned anything or was it because she couldn't believed you'd actually rejected her? It's not a surprise for things to get physical when they are so emotional, but I'm a little concerned she might have been manipulating you to get her hooks back in so things can be on her terms. What could she offer you at that moment besides sex? Not much, unless she's ready to change -- and change for herself, not for you. Sounds unlikely.

 

You also don't know how she's feeling, what she's going through, how she's coping... don't compare yourself by saying she's handling it better than you. It's probably not true, and even if it is, it doesn't help you to belittle or berate yourself when you didn't do anything wrong besides put up with bad behavior for too long. Feel your feelings... everything you wrote sounds like normal processing. Nothing to be ashamed of.

[jayinblue]

I think she's suddenly willing to do anything because I left, and because she didn't actually believe I would do it. Unfortunately, I also feel like she's just trying to get her hooks back in me while still coming up with a "plan b" since I think she's the kind of person who always needs someone around.

 

Thanks for the nice thoughts. I am trying to be strong here, but honestly, I also feel very weak at times. I am keeping up with my work and keeping life going, and trying to stay busy, but I feel like it its my way of not dealing with everything else going on. It also makes me really ill to think that while she's running out into the arms of someone else, even if its just to "talk" to someone, (and I grant you that is what people do so I understand it), I could not even imagine trying to be close to someone else right now, and feel hurt that she could do so as quickly, and feel equally stupid for feeling hurt.

[BluesPower]

I think she's suddenly willing to do anything because I left, and because she didn't actually believe I would do it. Unfortunately, I also feel like she's just trying to get her hooks back in me while still coming up with a "plan b" since I think she's the kind of person who always needs someone around.

 

Thanks for the nice thoughts. I am trying to be strong here, but honestly, I also feel very weak at times. I am keeping up with my work and keeping life going, and trying to stay busy, but I feel like it its my way of not dealing with everything else going on. It also makes me really ill to think that while she's running out into the arms of someone else, even if its just to "talk" to someone, (and I grant you that is what people do so I understand it), I could not even imagine trying to be close to someone else right now, and feel hurt that she could do so as quickly, and feel equally stupid for feeling hurt.

 

I think you misunderstand...

 

You are in fact the plan be guy, second place, the last resort guy. The other guy is hot guy that is screwing her brains out.

 

And she is not running into anyone's arms to talk about anything. She is running into his arms to get laid.

 

You need to stop down playing everything and start looking at reality.

 

Just saying things this way, keeps you, in the back of your mind, holding on.

 

Don't do that... She is gone and you should not want her back for any reason.

 

Stay strong...

[jayinblue]

I'm afraid that is the truth of it too. She says it was just talking, but my feeling is that they must have been in communication for some period of time for that have to have been true. It also in my mind explains some of why she was so cool with freaking out and taking me apart - if she knew her ex boyfriend was just a phone call away.

 

It just makes me sick, sad and confused. I know I should let go, but I guess I am just struggling with my feelings about all of it, and given the suffering she put me through, it feels like cosmically unfair that she's already back talking to the ex. Yet even in spite of all of this stuff, a good chunk of me wants to believe it was just nothing and maybe our separation is a good wakeup call for her. But I guess that probably isn't true either...

[BluesPower]

I'm afraid that is the truth of it too. She says it was just talking, but my feeling is that they must have been in communication for some period of time for that have to have been true. It also in my mind explains some of why she was so cool with freaking out and taking me apart - if she knew her ex boyfriend was just a phone call away.

 

It just makes me sick, sad and confused. I know I should let go, but I guess I am just struggling with my feelings about all of it, and given the suffering she put me through, it feels like cosmically unfair that she's already back talking to the ex. Yet even in spite of all of this stuff, a good chunk of me wants to believe it was just nothing and maybe our separation is a good wakeup call for her. But I guess that probably isn't true either...

 

The sooner you realize... what has actually been going on, the easier it should be for you to move on.

 

You really need to wake up and stop thinking the way you are here.

 

This thinking (above) is delusional. She is not "BACK talking to the Ex now, she "HAS BEEN" screwing her Ex for a while. And the "Suffering" that she put you through is simply her guilt for cheating and she had to find a reason to justify it. So you became the bad guy.

 

It is a very common situation. But for you, you need to stop this type of thinking so that you can start to about this...

[jayinblue]

My head tells me that something iffy is going on, but my heart is conflicted. I truly want to believe nothing was going on. None of this changes my feelings that I made the right move in getting away when I did, but its hard to imagine a person I committed myself to being just fine after everything fell apart because she has another guy to run to.

[Been]

Come on man snap out of it!!!!!

She had a fake name to hide her ex boyfriends name!!!! THAT is reason enough to leave her asap!!!! She's shady.

[jayinblue]

Well, small update. I broke down and sent her this (names redacted).

 

__________________

 

Hi There,

 

I hope the kids are doing okay. I have delayed on sending you some of my thoughts here out of respect for [name of child] and everything she has been through lately, but at some point, I need to clear my own head and have some difficult emotional areas to dig into. I was going to write this down in a letter, or possibly sit down and discuss with you directly, but right now, this is as good as I can manage under the circumstances.

 

I have been thinking a lot about everything that happened recently. To be honest, it hurts that I have basically not heard from you at all. I kind of figured we were beyond the power games, but apparently I was wrong about that too. Also, since you were driving the bus on this latest catastrophe, it sort of seemed to me like you would be the first one offering an explanation and amends, but clearly this isn't where your head is at either. I am very hurt that you haven't offered me any explanation, an apology, or really what I need most, the truth about this now latest revelation about [ex boyfriend] so that I can process it along with everything else going on at the moment. As a person who has been in your life for a very long time, and who has been through more than enough agonizing situations with you, and has supported you, fully and completely, through some very difficult times, I feel as though I have earned the right for you to be honest with me, but as this latest revelation and ensuing silence shows, perhaps not. Once again, I find my self totally in the dark married to a person I don't feel like I know, and my confidence (and truthfully my self esteem) has taken a massive hit which I am doing my best to recover from. However, given that apparently you already invited him back into our lives, I also now understand why it is I have not heard from you, and why it is that you have decided to not communicate with me, since its easier to talk to someone who strokes your ego, rather than communicate with the person who is hurting deeply from your decisions.

 

I also now understand why you were constantly accusing me of having an affair because you clearly were carrying something along for a very long time. I am not sure if the accusations came from guilt, wanting to "prove" in your mind that what you were doing wasn't so bad because I had done something else, or maybe a reaction based on your belief that I had not been there enough for you which in your mind caused you to do something you now regret? I understand that times have been stressful. I understand and appreciate what we talked about the other day and why you were having trouble sleeping. I am however struggling deeply to understand why you would treat me so horrifically, while you were doing whatever behind my back with this guy. I also am completely failing to understand why you would give this person the patience and understanding that I so craved from you, despite all of the horrible **** he did to you (the police ****, threatening to call CPS, burning bridges with your friends, the restraining order, and all the other junk you told me about) and the damage he did to you and I as a couple both before we were married, while we were married, and now this again, after we separated. When I look back at some of what you told me, I am angry at myself for missing the very clear cues which would have alerted me that you were still carrying a torch for this person and you were not ready to be committed to me, despite promises to the contrary.

 

When [ex boyfriend] reached out to you in July [two years or so ago] before we got married, you lied to me about it by not giving me the heads up it had happened. When I discovered it, you still lied to me about it, and talked about an "emotional connection" you had to this person but that it was wrong and you were sorry and would never do it again. I am amazed looking back on some of what you wrote, in particular the following:

 

"Not making this less important than it needs to be but this emotional connection was not an affair like the one we had. And we are not married or engaged. I understand trust and honestly is important in a relationship and I don't underestimate how you do and should feel about [ex boyfriend]. I don't have romantic feelings for him. Does he know me well, yes. Does he seem happier overall than when I dated him, seems so. But he has his own life. A lot of family stuff. He is out on the town, dates different people. I don't really (have to look at records) know of too many times he's bothered me when I'm with you. Just know, [ex boyfriend] is not the kind of person who who "share" someone's girlfriend. It's all or nothing for him. I think I found that out the hard way 2 years ago. So that is why as I was looking forward to moving on with my life, he knew and I knew there was no place for him. Even though he likes to follow [name]'s soccer career and [name] actually like him, was time to move on.

 

Am I glad he's in a better place, yes. So although at times I wished he would have found a serious girlfriend (and he had dated and was quiet for a long time). I'm not afraid that he will cause any problems like he did before. That all could be way more information than you needed or wanted but it seems I have failed to explain the nature of our relationship. Why I allowed it. And now feel comfortable to end it. He was ready too. This was a waste of time for him. So did I get some closure from 2 years ago, yes. Was it worth this and me not telling you, NO. Should have never risk us. Having that closure is not worth it. When you're no longer in love someone the way I love you and the way you loved me after our first breakout, talking to someone is different. Because Anthony acted normal most of the time, I didn't mind at first hearing about parts of his life. But did not feel comfortable that is was a secret from you. And as he seemed to want to talk more or I was having some problems and talked to him, it was not right. So that is that. "

 

But this too, as we know, was a lie. He had reached out to you and you had reached out to him on multiple occasions, including my birthday and for many months leading up to when I discovered what was going on in December [two + years ago]. And we also know that these words, weren't true either because you did in fact keep this thing between the two of you a secret, even after we got married. I never got a clear explanation of what happened that night, but ignored it and my better judgment because I loved you and believed that we were meant to be together.

 

So if we examine this, before we got married, this is where your head was at, and once again, 2 years later, here we are again, in the exact same situation - worse actually because I know that despite promises that you would not continue to maintain this unhealthy connection to this person, he actually never left and you continued to maintain it anyway, no matter how much it would hurt me.

 

You asked me last Saturday what you could do for me. I said I didn't know, and that was the truth, because I felt like something was majorly amiss and could not figure out what it was, although I felt like you had hurt me so deeply that I just could not let my guard down enough to let you back in emotionally. What you can do for me now is give me the truth. I know that you have been involved at multiple levels with this person, and my heart has once again been chewed apart. I am not asking you for what you think I want to hear, not what you think I deserve to know, but instead the truth. What happened, why it happened, why it was okay for you to share our lives with this guy who frankly caused you an unbelievable amount of pain previously (or so you told me), and why it was okay for you to continue to open yourself up to this person, behind my back, when I have literally done nothing but support you and our family in the best way I could. You may recall I believed (and shared with you) that for whatever reason, you were sabotaging our relationship but could not understand why. I believe this now wholeheartedly. This is the path you selected for us, because for some reason you did not believe that we deserved to be happy together. Consequently, telling me that he meant "nothing" and that "nothing" occurred or was just "talking" or whatever is not the truth and won't work here, and I am hopeful you will take some time to think about what I am writing here and give me the deeper truths, rather than simply shooting me a quick response.

 

I will also understand if you feel like you cannot share this stuff with me. It is painful to talk about things that you know might cause someone else a lot of pain and admit to things that aren't the most flattering. Given our past together, you know that no one understands this more than me. But if our time together meant anything to you at all, and if any small part of you actually did love me in the way you claim, then you will give me the truth and allow me to process it. As a person who kept major secrets in a former marriage, I also know how damaging that can be to your own mental status, so this is your opportunity to clear your conscience and be a better person, regardless of what the future holds for you.

 

I also want to be clear, this isn't a demand. This is a sincere request from a person who loved you deeply for a very long time, who consequently has been hurt equally deeply by some of our experiences together, and is looking for some sort of an explanation for all of this suffering. I cannot tell you whether being open with me will save our relationship, since much damage has been done there by both of us, but it will help me process my feelings faster and repair some of the damage that has been caused to me emotionally, and hopefully will do the same for you.

 

If this is something you are unwilling to give me, I understand and will respect your decision here and won't make this request of you again.

 

____________________

 

her response

 

____________________

 

Hi thanks for checking in. [Name] has not been doing well. I also have been very hurt not to have heard from you at all. You have it all wrong . Just as you say I do . I’m not having an affair or brought someone back into our lives . But I this is the game you are going to play and the way you want our “final act to play “ then guess that is what you will do.

 

Sent from my iPhone

 

____________________

 

What followed was a series of angry email exchanges, and her today explaining that her messages "were not clear" and that she needed to "talk" to me to explain it. I am backtracking a bit here, but I feel like she should put stuff down in writing, and I suspect she is just going to try and convince me that nothing happened, it was all nothing. Or she wants nothing in writing, I don't know....

[Cookiesandough]

This is why you move forward... upward....onward. You don’t go back. You have to accept when something is dead, grieve for it, then move on. You’re basically just been lying around with a corpse so of course you will feel disturbed. I did it 3 times with my ex and I learned the hard way it’s not worth it to go back it’s broken, done...

[Cookiesandough]

\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\|\\\\\\

[jayinblue]

Yes, I am thinking its not great news, but trying to figure out still whether anything happened or not although in my heart of hearts I am pretty sure something happened, and either way its shady as hell. I can't explain it, but I feel like I "need" to know.

[Downtown]

Our marriage was rocky as hell. Lots of fighting, she constantly accusing me of having affairs I didn’t have, turned verbally, emotionally and on occasion physically abusive.

Jay, the behaviors you describe -- i.e., irrational jealousy, controlling demands, temper tantrums, physical abuse, paranoia, impulsiveness, black-white thinking, always being "The Victim," and rapid flips between Jekyll (adoring you) and Hyde (devaluing you) -- are classic warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder).

 

This is not surprising, given that your W seems to be the same woman you described as having BPD in your January 2015 thread. I therefore suggest you take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs to see if most sound very familiar.

 

If so, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If those descriptions ring many bells and raise questions, I would be glad to join the other respondents in discussing them with you. Take care, Jay.

[BluesPower]

Her response was a lie...

 

This is the reason that you leave people like this in the dirt.

 

She has been having and affair with her Ex for who knows how long. And what is worse it that, even now, she does not have the balls to JUST BE HONEST.

 

These types of people are a waste of time to "confess your feelings to".

 

The letter was a waste of time, a waste of emotional energy, just a waste in general.

 

This is the reason that we on LS always advise people in your position to go and stay NC. Because it is better for you to understand that people like her are better left for dead.

 

Because this type of betrayal, and the continued lying, should prove to you that you are certainly dead to her.

 

Do yourself a favor, just move on and try to heal...

[Art_Critic]

Come on man snap out of it!!!!!

She had a fake name to hide her ex boyfriends name!!!! THAT is reason enough to leave her asap!!!! She's shady.

 

Yeah.... that pretty much sums it up

[jayinblue]

Thanks Downtown, I looked at your posts and am starting to think that this may be the case too. She does match some of the stuff on there, but its still hard to wrap my head around it all.

 

Thanks blues, and art, I can see the logic but am still having difficulty with my heart accepting it which is what I am struggling with at the moment.

[jayinblue]

Well, had another not great phone call today. More denials, more explanation that he was a "friend" and more personal attacks. Here is what I wrote:

________________

 

Sorry the phone call went badly, I was hoping that it would go a different direction that then one I knew and predicted it would. I understand that you are very stressed about [name of child] and I am very sorry about [name] being angry and unhappy, and over at [her ex husband's]. I know that would be very difficult for you, and I am sorry that this process we are going through is causing some tough times at the moment with him. I will say that [name] loves you more than anything, so if he's at [his dad's] its only because he is too stressed out and is trying to take care of himself, and is not something you did wrong.

 

Given the last series of not awesome messages I just got from you by text, I am blocking you for the moment. Its too painful and difficult to me, and at the end of the day, isn't doing anything good for either of us. Also, you no longer have the right to send me nasty messages and say terrible things to me anymore so please take a pause before sending anymore hurtful messages to me.

 

I am not trying to kick you when you're down, but clearly there is nothing more for us to discuss on this topic. If you don't recognize how messed up it was to communicate with (and lie to me about) receiving emotional support from an ex boyfriend for the last year who you filed a restraining order against, who did horrible things to you, nearly ended our marriage before it started, and now try and blame me for your decision to do so, minimize the impact that that relationship had on our marriage, and the ways that it led you to treat me for over the past year, we have no starting place to begin from and I am not going to put you or I through any further pain in this area.

 

That being said, I understand why you might have sought him out. I understand the stress of starting my own company placed a lot on you, and I can understand why you would have elected to reach out to someone else to be there for you when you believed, rightly or wrongly, that I wasn't there for you in a way you believed I should have been. So for my part in helping to bring out this situation we now have, I am very sorry. Me being sorry however does not mean that I am going to accept it, and no amount of silence, personal attacks, or minimizing it are going to change my mind here.

 

So we are clear, I love you too. Very much. I have loved you from the moment we connected for the first time, and have learned so much from being with you, even if some of those experiences have been exceptionally painful for the two of us. I have been completely heartbroken by all of this and it will take me a very long time to work through all of my feelings here.

 

I am sorry for the ways you believed I failed you as a partner and as a husband. For what its worth, I really did and do love you. I also want you to know, that I was never unfaithful to you and while I maybe did not do the best job showing it at times, I was always in your corner, and loved you with my whole heart, in the best way I could. I am going to choose to believe that despite how you were acting, you felt the same way.

 

While you may not want to hear this now either, we are going to need to go forward in the best way possible so as to be the best we can to our children. I will continue to do what I can to pay for housing expenses and such, but as I have brought up on a few occasions, I cannot continue to do so forever. The storage shed needs to be emptied, as I am going to need every dime available to me to keep this process moving along, so if you could please get on that soon, I would appreciate it. Once you have emptied the things you wish to keep in the storage shed, let me know and I will take the rest to goodwill.

 

[me]

 

______________

 

and her response

 

______________

 

Thank you for the email . I do and always will love you as well . I have not done anything wrong . So if you choose the path of divorce that is your decision. Not mine .

 

[her]

 

Sent from my iPhone

 

______________

 

Anyone got any thoughts here? I feel like I am communicating with a brick wall.