Jump to content

Another dead-end


Recommended Posts

Hello fellow LoveShackers! It's been a while but I just recently ended things with someone (we were never official) I'd been seeing/talking to for about 4 months. We live an hour and a half apart and he's a pilot for the Air Force. He had told me a couple weeks ago that he's not seeing anyone else and not planning to but still refused to agree to be exclusive with me when I brought it up today which I was confused and hurt by. He said he felt like it was pretty fast, even though just last week he told me that there is a possibility of a future relationship after spending more time together (his response to a question I had asked).

 

Anyway, I got the sense that he was just keeping me on his hook until someone better catches his eye. Giving me just enough so I don't leave; he'd let me know he felt insecure because there were a couple times I dropped him "like a bad habit" (his words) when he was inattentive to me and didn't talk to me for a week or more. So he'd always put in more effort when I asked but I still got the sense that he's not ready for a real relationship and was just stepping up so I don't "drop him" again. He told me past relationships left a bad taste in his mouth for being exclusive because they cheated on him whenever he deployed. And his Instagram headline says "Why fall in love when you can fall back asleep."

 

Anyway, I get the sense he's just looking for casual, but he knew I was looking for a real relationship. And I'm not willing to keep it casual with someone I've slept with and who's told me he's not planning on seeing anyone else...I at least want exclusivity. I wasn't asking him for a relationship right now. But for some reason or another, he won't do that.

 

So I ended things with him due to incompatible goals. I don't want to be strung along and be just a placeholder until he finds someone he really wants to be with. I'm just looking for support to not communicate with him until I'm healed and no longer salty about the situation. Help me stay strong in my decision!!

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

Sounds good to me...stay strong. Dating is so confusing to me nowadays...I get that nobody is perfect, but...I think everyone has chunked tolerance out the window and it fell into the arms of an apathetic child with a complex.

Online dating bites if you ask me...you did yourself a favor...why stare through the store-front window of the cheesecake factory if you can't afford a bite, right?!

I'm pretty sure I will just have to be content to continue shopping at H-E-B or Walmart for-ever, they take food stamps, which is all I have...(wait, I actually don't get them this month, I have quit re-applying-new years resolution!) Anyways...what I am getting at is...stay away from the computer as a means of connecting with Mr. Right unless you are on things I have never tried--maybe e-harmony works? I don't know...Maybe walk a dog at a park, stroll through the mall, volunteer--just be careful, I know many men who pick up on habits that us women do naturally, because we are more social, usually--and are now infesting the parks, playgrounds, malls, shopping centers and lurking behind the gravy packets at the supermarket...at an alarming rate-and their only intent is to meet women-and not for any invested amount of time...I don't know what else to say, except if you get the feeling that something is off, then remove yourself from being treated this way, which you did-so yes, good for you...I got that impression from the one man I met online too...he was very kind and generous with texting and was good with finding some time for me to talk to him and he was not being to bias (but I know I wasn't the only woman around, which is fine. I also feel, after a certain amount of time, maybe this gives us women leverage to walk away-quickly), but I just couldn't bring myself to trust that he was safe for me overall-my issues, not his. I don't want to become like that...he did everything right in the online dating and correct etiquette guidebook, but it's learned behaviors like that...that just kind of freak me out--is everybody becoming brainwashed out there? Idk...men see it less and less but women are really starting to step back and go...whoa-fella...this ain't working for me! Don't conform if you don't have to...trust your instincts...now its just us vs. them. Nothing wrong with having a good defense as well as a supreme offense. Good luck.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Thanks for your response CrazyKatLady! I've had relationships come out of online dating and with my location and job, that's really the only option I have of meeting people. I just thought with him being in the Air Force, he'd want someone who can handle distance because he deploys but it seems like he's the one who has an issue with distance. Which I think is a cop-out. Yeah, it's hard, but if 2 people want to make it work, they will. My old roommate had a long-distance girlfriend and now they're moving in together soon. I just got the sense that he's letting his past get in the way, so I don't think he's emotionally in a spot to commit to anyone right now. He'd been cheated on every deployment and he told me he's still working through insecurities. He still hasn't seen my messages "breaking up" with him. But here's to Day 1 NC until I heal. Again. Gosh, I'm tired of going through this.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Talking to my cousin has been very helpful, she is very supportive. She asked how old he is-he's 31 and I'm 26 and she validated for me that I'm great and deserve better. Thank goodness for family/friends!

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Good for you girl! What he won't give you another man will, remember that. I admire you for knowing your worth and not settling. Queen qualities right there.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Good for you girl! What he won't give you another man will, remember that. I admire you for knowing your worth and not settling. Queen qualities right there.

 

That means a lot CaliBabe! I've grown and matured throughout each breakup experience and I now recognize I have a lot to offer. I've been described as smart, passionate, funny, beautiful, and kind by those closest to me. I am also a successful young professional - I'm 26 with my Master's degree and am practicing mental health therapy in a community mental health agency. I bring a lot to the table. I practiced patience and gave him 4 months but he doesn't seem emotionally ready to just see one another, so I'll go find myself someone who will cherish all that I have to offer!

 

I haven't heard from him since I ended it and I'm worried I'll cave and respond if he reaches out. I'm going to remain firm in my stance that I'm looking for a real relationship and if that's not something he's interested in pursuing, then I will no longer see him. It's just tough because I've done this before and had them resurface after they realized they messed up.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
I haven't heard from him since I ended it and I'm worried I'll cave and respond if he reaches out. I'm going to remain firm in my stance that I'm looking for a real relationship and if that's not something he's interested in pursuing, then I will no longer see him. It's just tough because I've done this before and had them resurface after they realized they messed up.

 

If you're tempted, come here! Theres lots of great people and advice on LS.

Link to post
Share on other sites
CantTakeMySmile
That means a lot CaliBabe! I've grown and matured throughout each breakup experience and I now recognize I have a lot to offer. I've been described as smart, passionate, funny, beautiful, and kind by those closest to me. I am also a successful young professional - I'm 26 with my Master's degree and am practicing mental health therapy in a community mental health agency. I bring a lot to the table. I practiced patience and gave him 4 months but he doesn't seem emotionally ready to just see one another, so I'll go find myself someone who will cherish all that I have to offer!

 

I haven't heard from him since I ended it and I'm worried I'll cave and respond if he reaches out. I'm going to remain firm in my stance that I'm looking for a real relationship and if that's not something he's interested in pursuing, then I will no longer see him. It's just tough because I've done this before and had them resurface after they realized they messed up.

 

Can you block him so you don’t have to entertain that temptation?

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Can you block him so you don’t have to entertain that temptation?

 

I prefer not to go that far, I like to see where old flames end up because I look at life as a story and I like seeing how everyone's stories are going. I've had a few become friends and I don't like to burn bridges. I just won't accept anything more than friendship from him now unless he steps up. I made up my mind to let him go, and it feels like the Universe is already showing me a few different opportunities, like it's reminding me there are plenty of fish in the sea. Thank you, Universe! :D

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

I'm feeling a little bit more hurt than usual right now...I can't stop thinking about how he said Sunday (I thought it was earlier than this before but then looked through our messages) that a relationship is a possibility after seeing each other more, but then literally a day later, told me that exclusivity is too fast. A day later, I'd asked him to tell me if being an item was ever going to be a possibility and he replied "I don't know, I feel like this is pretty fast."

 

After 4 months. What the heck?? And all this after a great Friday night/Saturday morning together. But then he was distant Saturday-I could have visited him because I was only 30 minutes away from his house since I was meeting up with my bro but he told me he just wanted to chill...he didn't even want me to visit. Like, we got close and then he pulled away. I don't get it. The pursue-withdraw is not healthy, which is why I ended up calling things off, but it all still really gets my goat.

Edited by babysacay
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Well looks like he read my message yesterday morning. The fact that he hasn't replied helps solidify my decision to cut things off. If he wanted more after 4 months, he wouldn't let me go so easily and would have at least agreed to not see other people. If a man wants you, he will make it happen, and he was not making it happen. This is what I should have done earlier on with my actual ex-boyfriends. I'm glad I'm not letting it drag on this time.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Feeling very hurt this morning because I just keep thinking about how this guy said he wasn't planning on seeing anyone else....and then got back on Tinder. Just very hurt and disappointed. But this is for the best.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

I shouldn't have broken NC...He said he likes what we had, which was pretty much dating without being exclusive. I pretty much told him he couldn't have his cake and eat it too.

 

Still feel so hurt knowing he's looking for other women, despite telling me previously he had no plans to. Why do guys do that.

Link to post
Share on other sites
CantTakeMySmile
I shouldn't have broken NC...He said he likes what we had, which was pretty much dating without being exclusive. I pretty much told him he couldn't have his cake and eat it too.

 

Still feel so hurt knowing he's looking for other women, despite telling me previously he had no plans to. Why do guys do that.

 

 

 

Because no one wants to say, "I am going to look for other people to date". That is hurtful, thus why it is often sugar coated. I don't like to say it to people. I think it natural to not TRY to hurt someone's feelings.

Link to post
Share on other sites
CantTakeMySmile
Yeah, you're right. I wish that helped it suck less lol.

 

 

 

I try to look at it like this. When someone doesn't want to be with me (for whatever reason it may be) then it really doesn't matter what they do from that point on. I don't value my worth on when they starting dating again, because it has nothing to do with me. That is on them. That is their decision and it really has nothing to do with me. The fact that they no longer wish to pursue a relationship with me hurts, of course. But, getting in the weeds about who they are screwing is just adding an unnecessary reason to hurt yourself.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
I try to look at it like this. When someone doesn't want to be with me (for whatever reason it may be) then it really doesn't matter what they do from that point on. I don't value my worth on when they starting dating again, because it has nothing to do with me. That is on them. That is their decision and it really has nothing to do with me. The fact that they no longer wish to pursue a relationship with me hurts, of course. But, getting in the weeds about who they are screwing is just adding an unnecessary reason to hurt yourself.

 

Thank you for that piece of wisdom, that does help a little. All that matters is he chose not to be with me and nothing else matters. Digging deeper about it won't help so I just need to focus on me.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Welp...beginning of Day 2 NC...broke it the day after Valentine's Day. This weekend should be okay going NC since I'll be with my family. I hope. I think I'm more sad because I'm sooooo tired of going through this - break-ups and "fake-ups". Relationship/dating failure, after failure, after failure, after failure. I woke up this morning telling myself it's better to learn we're not a match now than later on down the road but I'm still so frustrated. Some people my age (26) have been married more than once already and I've never been engaged. And I'm successful, funny, smart, loyal, and kind. Or so I'm told. I don't get it.

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...