Monkey branching

[Zoolander]

Hey,

So she broke up with me about 4 months ago and it's ablout 6 weeks since we last spoke. She said she would message me in the future to see if we could be friends. In the meantime, I've accepted that she probably won't message and I've just been getting on with my life. Been hitting the gym even harder than before, more invested in my studies and socialising more.

Had a few dates but it was more to just remind myself to not put her on a pedestal. There was a girl who i thought I felt something for, she came back to mine, we had sex but i just felt so numb and cold. Since then I've really been missing my ex. I'm just going to forget about girls for now and just focus on myself. But I'm unsure whether that was a sign I'm not over her or whether i am over her but still miss her? If that's even possible. I thought i was getting over her, I'd gone from thinking about her every hour to maybe just a couple of thoughts thst didn't really last long. Some insight would be nice i guess:)

[Marc878]

Don't do the "friends" thing.

 

Hard nc. You should just block her on everything.

 

Move on like she has.

 

Any contact will just prolong your stay in this.

 

She's not irreplaceable I can assure you.

 

This will be temporary

[Young mind]

Not necessarily 'getting over her', I think you just miss her, I'm in the same boat, broke up with me in September, we last spoke in October, I can tell you, her blocking me was the best gift, it pushed me towards acceptance, it's difficult to forget her, same as you do, but like you said, it's a normal process where you go from thinking about her everyday to a few minutes to almost nothing.

Cut out the girls a bit, it was hard for me too when I had some girls over, I felt numb and it only made me think about my ex more.

Try to keep up the gym and studying, these are long term goals which reap benefits.

It's fine to miss the times you had but sooner or later, those 'rose coloured glasses' will wear off and you will see the situation as it is.

It's hard because your NC only began 6 weeks ago, and when a woman says we will see in the future, it's just a nice way of letting you go, and indifference for her begins at that point.

Accept this, focus on other parts of your life

[Zoolander]

Not necessarily 'getting over her', I think you just miss her, I'm in the same boat, broke up with me in September, we last spoke in October, I can tell you, her blocking me was the best gift, it pushed me towards acceptance, it's difficult to forget her, same as you do, but like you said, it's a normal process where you go from thinking about her everyday to a few minutes to almost nothing.

Cut out the girls a bit, it was hard for me too when I had some girls over, I felt numb and it only made me think about my ex more.

Try to keep up the gym and studying, these are long term goals which reap benefits.

It's fine to miss the times you had but sooner or later, those 'rose coloured glasses' will wear off and you will see the situation as it is.

It's hard because your NC only began 6 weeks ago, and when a woman says we will see in the future, it's just a nice way of letting you go, and indifference for her begins at that point.

Accept this, focus on other parts of your life

 

Thanks a lot man, it's my first serious break up so i have no prior timeline to compare with when it comes to how long it takes to get over.

Yeah with the whole girls thing, I took advice from friends who said speaking to other girls would help me forget her but it's just done the opposite.

I'm glad to hear that you're doing a lot better now. Do you feel like you're getting to that indifference stage soon?

[Young mind]

I believe I am , it's just partly because I took her off that pedestal. Your ex like mine is just another human, whose opinion or thoughts count as much as ours, they are no supernatural beings, they just seem so because our ego was shattered and we feel replaced.

Indifference will come, esp with NC, with time I think distance and space does make you forget

[Zoolander]

I believe I am , it's just partly because I took her off that pedestal. Your ex like mine is just another human, whose opinion or thoughts count as much as ours, they are no supernatural beings, they just seem so because our ego was shattered and we feel replaced.

Indifference will come, esp with NC, with time I think distance and space does make you forget

 

What you said about putting them on a pedestal is so true. I guess after a break up, you end up viewing the person the way you want to view them, rather than the way they actually are.

I hope you reach indifference soon and continue healing

[Zoolander]

Broke up in October(her decision). Fairly amicable break up, I tried staying in contact for a bit in the hope I could get her back. Didn't work and I realised the more I tried the frostier things were. Agreed to cut contact on good terms during Xmas. No harsh words spoken besides her saying she felt I emotionally manipulated her which in my eyes was unfair af but i accepted it and that was that. Wished each other the best. Said we would be open to friendship a long way down the line if it was possible

Been getting along with my own life since then. Pops into my thoughts a few times during the day and I get quite nostalgic. This week has been bad though, started appearing in my dreams again and today was the first time I typed something to her in 6 weeks. I guess it's something to do with V Day coming up and February was always a special month for us during our time together so that could be it. How long did it take you guys? Or do those thoughts never really go away and you just learn to deal?

 

On a side note, I'd booked her a skydiving session last summer as a birthday present but it was postponed due to the weather. I paid a lot of money for it and it's non refundable. She has until July to do it. She told me I should just get the money back when i bought it up in October. I pretty much accept that the relationship is over. Like i am happy with myself and my life as it is now and i know that telling her that she should go could open a can of worms per se. She said she would like to be the one to initiate the idea of friendship down the line which is best for me too, but i don't want that to be after July when I've just wasted 400 pounds. Any help?

[Young mind]

Broke up in October(her decision). Fairly amicable break up, I tried staying in contact for a bit in the hope I could get her back. Didn't work and I realised the more I tried the frostier things were. Agreed to cut contact on good terms during Xmas. No harsh words spoken besides her saying she felt I emotionally manipulated her which in my eyes was unfair af but i accepted it and that was that. Wished each other the best. Said we would be open to friendship a long way down the line if it was possible

Been getting along with my own life since then. Pops into my thoughts a few times during the day and I get quite nostalgic. This week has been bad though, started appearing in my dreams again and today was the first time I typed something to her in 6 weeks. I guess it's something to do with V Day coming up and February was always a special month for us during our time together so that could be it. How long did it take you guys? Or do those thoughts never really go away and you just learn to deal?

 

On a side note, I'd booked her a skydiving session last summer as a birthday present but it was postponed due to the weather. I paid a lot of money for it and it's non refundable. She has until July to do it. She told me I should just get the money back when i bought it up in October. I pretty much accept that the relationship is over. Like i am happy with myself and my life as it is now and i know that telling her that she should go could open a can of worms per se. She said she would like to be the one to initiate the idea of friendship down the line which is best for me too, but i don't want that to be after July when I've just wasted 400 pounds. Any help?

 

How long were you together?

[Young mind]

Hang in there mate, I had my breakup around the same time, although NC was initiated by her almost immediately, it helped in the moving on process, as your NC was initiated just a few weeks ago it can be difficult but with time your head clears up

 

I too had numerous dreams, I went from thinking about her 1 million times a day to maybe once a day, I'm sure in a few weeks time it will be once in a week. This is absolutely normal, don't fight it, it helps to analyze your past relationship and move on at the same time

 

These thoughts come and go but with NC, they soon disappear , that is why the most pushed forward advise on this forum is NC, if you stick with it in a few months, these thoughts will no longer bother you

[Zoolander]

How long were you together?

 

Just over 2 years. We'd gone on our first holiday in September so i thought things were moving quite nicely at the time too

[Zoolander]

Hang in there mate, I had my breakup around the same time, although NC was initiated by her almost immediately, it helped in the moving on process, as your NC was initiated just a few weeks ago it can be difficult but with time your head clears up

 

I too had numerous dreams, I went from thinking about her 1 million times a day to maybe once a day, I'm sure in a few weeks time it will be once in a week. This is absolutely normal, don't fight it, it helps to analyze your past relationship and move on at the same time

 

These thoughts come and go but with NC, they soon disappear , that is why the most pushed forward advise on this forum is NC, if you stick with it in a few months, these thoughts will no longer bother you

 

Yeah I'm so determined to keep healing. During the first few weeks of the break up I completely neglected everything else in life and just about managed to fix it. I used to dream about her every night pretty much and it only started again this week, incidentally I went on my first real date last week too haha.

I'm glad you've managed to come a long way. I'll just go with the flow. Cheers mate

[OutKast100]

My ex girlfriend broke up with me over 7 months ago and I can say that I still miss her and think about her everyday even though I would prefer to just get her out of my head completely. She has not reached out to me once in all that time and I have also stuck to no contact. There is no point in reaching out to her because it will not resolve anything and it will only make things worse. I have my days where I miss her badly but I know that I should not reach out to her. Whenever you miss her or wake up after dreaming about her you should realize that this is just one moment of your life when you are feeling sad and lonely and thinking about her. Not everyday is sad and lonely, some days will be better than others. So the next time you feel the need to reach out to her just remember that this is just a small step back in your emotional state and that there will be ups and downs, so just look forward to the next "up". You will feel better so just accept the fact that it hurts and you're sad but know that the feeling will go away eventually. It's good that you have accepted that the relationship is over. At this point you should try to give up all hope that she will want to be with you again. The amount of time that it takes to get over someone depends on the person. I personally feel that I can't get over someone that I loved within a year after the break up, it just takes longer for me to reach the point of indifference. If you haven't done so already then I suggest that you try to fill up all of your time with activities to keep you busy and distracted.

 

As for the money for the skydiving, you should just accept that it is a lost cost at this point. This might also help you get over her. It kind of shows her ungrateful and selfish characteristic qualities to just waste your money like that if she knows that you can't get a refund and she refuses to go do it. Maybe she will pay you back for it in the future but i suggest you forget about it.

[Zoolander]

My ex girlfriend broke up with me over 7 months ago and I can say that I still miss her and think about her everyday even though I would prefer to just get her out of my head completely. She has not reached out to me once in all that time and I have also stuck to no contact. There is no point in reaching out to her because it will not resolve anything and it will only make things worse. I have my days where I miss her badly but I know that I should not reach out to her. Whenever you miss her or wake up after dreaming about her you should realize that this is just one moment of your life when you are feeling sad and lonely and thinking about her. Not everyday is sad and lonely, some days will be better than others. So the next time you feel the need to reach out to her just remember that this is just a small step back in your emotional state and that there will be ups and downs, so just look forward to the next "up". You will feel better so just accept the fact that it hurts and you're sad but know that the feeling will go away eventually. It's good that you have accepted that the relationship is over. At this point you should try to give up all hope that she will want to be with you again. The amount of time that it takes to get over someone depends on the person. I personally feel that I can't get over someone that I loved within a year after the break up, it just takes longer for me to reach the point of indifference. If you haven't done so already then I suggest that you try to fill up all of your time with activities to keep you busy and distracted.

 

As for the money for the skydiving, you should just accept that it is a lost cost at this point. This might also help you get over her. It kind of shows her ungrateful and selfish characteristic qualities to just waste your money like that if she knows that you can't get a refund and she refuses to go do it. Maybe she will pay you back for it in the future but i suggest you forget about it.

 

So true mate, taking each day a step at a time and not being hard on yourself when things aren't great is the key I think. I've come a long way in the past few months and even in the past few weeks. I just spend most my time either in the library studying or at the gym when I'm not at uni or with friends so that helps a lot.

 

And yeah, she knew how much i saved up for that so it's a kick in the stomach that that's going to waste. I will make another effort to try and get te money back from the company and if so, I'll just put it towards my own holiday this summer.

 

Thanks a lot man, I hope you reach the stage you wish for soon too.

[Zoolander]

The forums on this website have helped me so much in the past few months. Just reading other people's stories of how they've coped and knowing that I'm not alone, it's reassuring in a way. So i thought I'd do the same for people who feel how I did a few months ago.

 

So 2 year relationship ended by citing for the textbook reasons: need space, need to find myself, at different stages mentally and emotionally, been having doubts. All coinciding with her move to London and a fresh start at college.

Looking back on it, i couldve handled it better. I didn't say anything insulting or offensive towards her but i did a fair amount of trying to reason with her, all in vain of course. And when that didn't work, asking her to meet so she could " see the new me". Man, with hindsight it was never going to work. This was all about 3 months ago.

I would spend most of the day in bed, hardly eating and neglecting my studies. Before the break up, I was a fairly muscular guy and used the gym as an out from medical school. But all the non eating plus being bed ridden for 4 weeks meant I lost a lot. There was an entire week where I spent it entirely at home, not setting foot outside or calling anyone. I hadn't said a word at all to anyone in that week.

I thought it would never get better, that I would never find anyone else or never ever feel good again. Now? I feel great. I passed my exams and worked my butt off for them. Doing even better in the gym and a lot more sociable in general. Do i miss her? Yes I do. Am I at the point of indifference? I don't think so. I want to be at the point where if she does come back into my life ( she said she would contact me whenever she was ready to be friends. People have said that is when the new guy dumps her or she realises the grass isn't greener. Whatever it is idk) that it doesn't affect me. Right now if she came back, i reckon I would be very cautious but definitely not jump into anything like I previously would.

 

My advice for anyone struggling out there: Don't contact them. It's been 2 months since we spoke and these 2 months have been the best in terms of how I've felt post break up- there is a correlation. Do what you have to- if that's cry, be angry, rant, whatever it is, Just let it out. And after that do what makes you happy. Do what you're interested in. I personally realised I love MMA and have taken that up and it's never something I would've considered previously.

There will be days when you feel down, where you wish you did or said something different, and that's okay. Ride the waves. Personally, I have the odd day where I really really miss her every now and then but that's okay. She chose a future that didn't have me in it and now it's up to me to build my own future.

[YNWA]

Hey man I feel your pain. I was in a 2.5 Year relationship in undergrad and got left for another guy who she is now married to but I’m sooo greatful that happened now, that was 10 years ago or so and as I’ve grown, we were nowhere near a match in terms of religious beliefs, political, and others...

 

I had a crazy job for the past 6 years that hasn’t allowed me to date although I tried once for 6 months which failed once I had to travel during summer....but I just met a girl earl December that we connected so well and were seeing each other up until 9 days ago. She’s 23 and I’m 30, and a year ago she got out of a 4 Year relationship and was heart broken...but jumped right into another which lasted 8 months and was emotionally draining due to being in love with her ex for 7 if those months and the guy had jealousy issues...

 

So 9 days ago after having asked her a few times over the month and a half or so if she wanted to be single for awhile and take time to heal and date around since she’s baisically been in a relationship since she was 17.. she called me and told me she needs to do just that and isn’t emotionally ready for another relationship...mind you we weren’t official bad/gf but we had agreed to not sleep with other people as we got to know each other, we had said we would go slow but it went pretty fast...talking about meeting her parents and she was texting me just a day before saying she wishes she could see me and was going to miss me that weekend as she was visiting friends in a different state.

 

What I hadn’t realized was how attached I had become and suddenly reality set in that I had to let her go...I sent her a nice text saying I agreed and told her she was doing the right thing and enjoyed the time we had together but that we should talk some time and space to unwind from everything...she thanked me and agreed, so have had no contact for 9 days now and it’s still killing me...it’s been over a decade since I felt this way for someone even if it was only a couple months...I balled my eyes out all last weekend and worked out every morning before work this week running so hard and still letting out tears...

 

But you’re right...it slowly gets better, my heart wants to hear from her but my brain knows that isn’t the answer....Valentines Day will be hard as I wanted to plan an awesome date but it’ll be another single V-Day. But we fight through it. Just wanted to thank you for the post and let you know it did help and to let you know you’re not alone. I know yours was much longer and was an official break up which is even harder.

[Zoolander]

Hey man I feel your pain. I was in a 2.5 Year relationship in undergrad and got left for another guy who she is now married to but I’m sooo greatful that happened now, that was 10 years ago or so and as I’ve grown, we were nowhere near a match in terms of religious beliefs, political, and others...

 

I had a crazy job for the past 6 years that hasn’t allowed me to date although I tried once for 6 months which failed once I had to travel during summer....but I just met a girl earl December that we connected so well and were seeing each other up until 9 days ago. She’s 23 and I’m 30, and a year ago she got out of a 4 Year relationship and was heart broken...but jumped right into another which lasted 8 months and was emotionally draining due to being in love with her ex for 7 if those months and the guy had jealousy issues...

 

So 9 days ago after having asked her a few times over the month and a half or so if she wanted to be single for awhile and take time to heal and date around since she’s baisically been in a relationship since she was 17.. she called me and told me she needs to do just that and isn’t emotionally ready for another relationship...mind you we weren’t official bad/gf but we had agreed to not sleep with other people as we got to know each other, we had said we would go slow but it went pretty fast...talking about meeting her parents and she was texting me just a day before saying she wishes she could see me and was going to miss me that weekend as she was visiting friends in a different state.

 

What I hadn’t realized was how attached I had become and suddenly reality set in that I had to let her go...I sent her a nice text saying I agreed and told her she was doing the right thing and enjoyed the time we had together but that we should talk some time and space to unwind from everything...she thanked me and agreed, so have had no contact for 9 days now and it’s still killing me...it’s been over a decade since I felt this way for someone even if it was only a couple months...I balled my eyes out all last weekend and worked out every morning before work this week running so hard and still letting out tears...

 

But you’re right...it slowly gets better, my heart wants to hear from her but my brain knows that isn’t the answer....Valentines Day will be hard as I wanted to plan an awesome date but it’ll be another single V-Day. But we fight through it. Just wanted to thank you for the post and let you know it did help and to let you know you’re not alone. I know yours was much longer and was an official break up which is even harder.

 

 

Ah man sorry to hear about the latest issues. It sucks when your heart and brain say different things. Neither is "right or wrong " but sometimes one makes more sense than the other, and with relationships, it's usually the brain.

Stay strong man, you've done it once and you can do it again. The fact that you realised you were getting in way too fast shows that you've learned somethimg about yourself from your previous experiences. And as long as we keep learning, no relationship is ever really a loss.

 

Yeah it'll be my first V Day single in a while and I'm just treating it as another day, which is all it is really.gonna Get up, go to uni, go to the gym, do some work and then see some friends. You've got this too!

[YNWA]

That’s what you should do. I’ll hit the gym and then go to work...sadly I don’t have any friends nearby so it’s been so tough to find outlets other than here to vent...all my friends are back in another state. She has her family and friends all here...wish I had that but I’ll make it. One day at a time man.

[CrazyKatLady]

Great news. It is hard to move on, especially when you do not want to initially. I am moving on slowly too. It's like, 50+ days later I just woke up out of a fog...even managed to wash two loads of laundry and fold it in one day! That was how bad it had gotten for me...I could not tell you what I did the last two months, I have no real association to the mess I'm literally huddled in at home for the moment. But, little by little, I feel life coming back into my world, and am cleaning up one day at a time, the wreckage that followed me after my world came tumbling down around me on Christmas. I never was very hard on myself, I knew it would have to work itself out...ironically, it was hard to witness what I had become...these forums were such a huge part of my growing process-I had no idea what anything meant that had happened to me before reading everyone's posts here and the insightful comments people share from their own experiences in life have given me answers when all I had were questions. It has been nice to get answers. I am glad that you are able to find a light at the end of the tunnel. I imagine we both have more to work on, but that comes with more time. Can't do much without time! So, I will wait for the opportunities. I pray that for each new sunrise in your life, that time is your friend-and that it will console you with the possibilities of a much brighter future. Good luck on your journey. I hope to see more updates from you soon! God bless!

[mayonnaise]

I feel you. It's true it does get easier, because time heals everything. It's been 3 months+ since the break up and no contact for me. For the first two months, I tried to rush the healing process. I kept myself busy, denying and saying that everything's okay, started working out, hanging out with friends, etc. Until last month I just completely shut down. Deactivated all my social media, stayed at home, stopped working out,stopped going out and finally faced all my REAL feelings. But that's okay, because I knew I needed that. I needed to grieve, until one day I got tired of feeling bad. So I got back up, got a job under my profession, focused back on my goals, went out with friends, although I havent worked out again, Im planning to enroll in a gym asap. Started pampering myself and dating myself. I feel like myself again, and I've gotten so much better. Yes i still miss him, but everytime i think of him, i just smile and pray to God that i hope he's happy wherever he is. I'm no longer bitter. There are still bad days, but there have been more good days than before.

 

Loveshack has been my go to place too. Reading all the stories knowing im not struggling alone gives me comfort. People like you Thank you

 

So for you, for me and for everyone else who's struggling... Just give yourself time. And focus on you. Stay no contact for you. Heal yourself first, be selfish if that's what you need for now. You'll thank yourself soon enough Don't rush anything and let yourself heal naturally.

[Zoolander]

Great news. It is hard to move on, especially when you do not want to initially. I am moving on slowly too. It's like, 50+ days later I just woke up out of a fog...even managed to wash two loads of laundry and fold it in one day! That was how bad it had gotten for me...I could not tell you what I did the last two months, I have no real association to the mess I'm literally huddled in at home for the moment. But, little by little, I feel life coming back into my world, and am cleaning up one day at a time, the wreckage that followed me after my world came tumbling down around me on Christmas. I never was very hard on myself, I knew it would have to work itself out...ironically, it was hard to witness what I had become...these forums were such a huge part of my growing process-I had no idea what anything meant that had happened to me before reading everyone's posts here and the insightful comments people share from their own experiences in life have given me answers when all I had were questions. It has been nice to get answers. I am glad that you are able to find a light at the end of the tunnel. I imagine we both have more to work on, but that comes with more time. Can't do much without time! So, I will wait for the opportunities. I pray that for each new sunrise in your life, that time is your friend-and that it will console you with the possibilities of a much brighter future. Good luck on your journey. I hope to see more updates from you soon! God bless!

 

It's good to hear that you're doing a lot better now!

Honestly it varies so much from person to person, some of my friends said they were indifferent after only a few weeks whilst others said they've never really stopped missing their ex, But have learned to accept it.

[Zoolander]

. For the first two months, I tried to rush the healing process. I kept myself busy, denying and saying that everything's okay, started working out, hanging out with friends, etc. Until last month I just completely shut down. Deactivated all my social media, stayed at home, stopped working out,stopped going out and finally faced all my REAL feelings.

 

I did the exact same. Even tried the whole 'meeting other girls' stuff to help me get over her and it ended up backfiring massively.

It's always best to face the real feelings as soon as possible. That way you've done the hard grieving and then it's time to accept it and try and move on in life without them. I'm really glad that there are more good days for you now. Hopefully with time, the bad days become even more rarer. And if not, that's still ok:)

Edited February 18, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Zoolander]

I was just reading some of my first posts when the break up was still fresh and the advice that everyone gave. At the time, I hated it but looking back on it, they were all right.

I had a dream about her last night for the first time in a while. The first time that happened, I texted her but this morning, although the thought did pop into mind for a second, I told myself that's all it was, just my imagination. For me and others that might be going through something similar, the fact that I now didn't have the same urge to text her shows that it really does get easier.

[Zoolander]

So I've been doing my best to avoid social media and I've told my close friends to not update me on her activity or whatever. But a friend from a while ago didn't know about the break up and sent me a screenshot of her and another guy at uni declaring their relationship official from the 1st of Jan. Literally 9 weeks after she told me "we were at different stages mentally".

 

Her reasons were just BS, and ive just been reading the comments from everyone on my first thread and they were so right.

I'm not really upset, just angry. The heart wants what it wants and i can learn to accept that she found someone else more appealing. I'm just angry that she lied to me during the break up and blamed it all on me.

Edited February 12, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[springy]

She waited 9 whole weeks to connect with someone else? Wow. My ex had a new girl 3 days later o_O. Talk about a knife to the heart. Most can't just fess up that they are "over it" and instead make a number of other excuses for breaking up with you. It sucks but happens frequently unfortunately. Maybe there was some truth to her statement - mentally she was in a different place and wanted to move on :/

[ExpatInItaly]

I'm sorry you found out this way, OP.

 

But at the same time, sometimes it allows us to see the person for who they really are - which in turn can expedite healing as you come to realize the person you once loved isn't there any longer.