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My story - Any support welcome


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hi all.

 

I'm new to LS and have to say that reading peoples stories/posts over the month or so have really helped me along the way. So here is my story so far.

 

I am currently in the process of a breakup after 1 year and 4 months. I met this single girl randomly on vacation in Summer 2016 and instantly fell for her. We clicked so well and I was surprised at how many hobbies and interests, views and mutual friends we shared, I found out that she lived quite close to be back home (about 30 minutes) it was kinda a surprise we had not met eachother up until now, sharing a lot of the same tastes in music and social life etc. I honestly felt that it was meant to be, it was like a miracle to meet someone so beautiful and have so many interests with me, I knew at that point that I wanted to make more of this when we got back from vacation. Even one of my friends could see the attraction between us two and that we would eventually be together. She had not lived at home for a long time, UNI for 4 years studying and then travelling around the world was one of her loves. She had just got a new job back home and was planning to return to her normal life.

 

When we got home we both started dating and not long after (about 1 month) I asked her to be my girlfriend. The relationship was fun, loving and adventurous. We shared many great trips together to citys and places around the world, camping trips, hikes etc. We shared the same group of friends and would party and have a great social life together. Things were so good and at around the mid point I realised that it was true love and I told her this. She was sort of funny about this type of thing (me being her first proper boyfriend- she had been with guys before but not in a relationship) she told me she loved me back and maybe said it first once or twice but I felt as if she was perhaps holding back a little. She wasn't the all love type of girl and wouldn't have been clingy or anything more laid back and went with the flow. Our relationship was very healthy with no fighting or arguing and anything minor that came up we resolved very naturally.

 

It got to the 1 year 4 month stage and things just took a 180 turn. As a massive shock she told me she wanted to go travelling by herself again, she had been feeling very unsettled at home and felt the time was now (she is 27) to go off on her travels again before she gets too old etc. I was very shocked and asked her what would happen for us. she felt she couldn't do the long distance relationship as it wouldn't be the same, and she couldn't commit to me incase she never returned. She didn't ask me to come with her and when I tried to talk about that she said it wouldn't work, I'm not that type of person and she basically wanted to be free as it was her idea. I was devastated, we had a lot to look forward to in the next year with a holiday planned etc. I asked her what she wanted to do and she said she was happy we remained in a relationship until she left, (wanted her cake and eat it too basically) I told her no I couldn't do that as my feelings for her would only increase and It would be much harder to let go once she eventually left. She agreed that it would not be fair on me and that it was best to let it go. She was very upset and said she was sorry about it, how she has hurt me so bad and that it was not my fault at all but it was just her and not ready to settle here. She has a wanderlust to travel and I think it's her calling I suppose. We both told eachother we loved one an other and if it was meant to be it will be in the future.

 

Its into the 6th week now. I told her I would be going N/C to protect myself. (I let the emotions get the better of me and broke n/c after 1 week by calling her) She said it hadn't hit her yet and that she was just keeping busy and not thinking about it. I felt very hurt by that and it felt as if she didn't care. I forced myself to stay n/c and promised myself I wouldn't call her again. Into the 3rd week she called me but it was the usual breadcrumbs - I am missing you, can we just be friends, i am lonely and this month has been terrible etc. But still no sign at all of reconciliation. I told her that the reality was she broke up with me to travel and that I have to now move on with my life based on that, she said I was probably just right to do so. she told me that she isn't sure if i am the one for her, she can't see it right now but she is worried that she might regret it down the line and i might have been the one.

 

I get a sense that there is somewhat GIGS here, with her wanting to go away she must feel there is something more out there for her? It's very hard for me to take because i really did see her as the one for me and was ready to make the next step of commitment in the second year. I often spoke of us sharing a house together and making the next step into a more seriousness relationship (we both still lived with our parents) but she didn't seem keen or ready for that type of relationship. I sense that in the back of her mind she was always going to want to go away again and was scared of a serious relationship

 

For now I am just trying to focus on myself, its very difficult but I am concentrating on bettering myself, using the gym, studying, keeping in touch with old friends etc. I am learning to try and accept that the relationship is over. Reconciliation may still be a possiblity later down the line because we ended on good terms - who knows - but I feel the easiest way is to think that it is not, that way I won't be gathering up any hope to be let down. She also has no definite plans when or where she is going, which makes it that bit harder, she just has said that she is planning to go this year.

 

If anyone has any tips, advice or is in a similar situation i'd like to hear.

 

It may not seem like it now but I know I will get through this :)

 

It's hard to love someone knowing that although they say they love you it isn't enough to keep them.

Edited by enliven
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"For now I am just trying to focus on myself, its very difficult but I am concentrating on bettering myself, using the gym, studying, keeping in touch with old friends etc. I am learning to try and accept that the relationship is over. Reconciliation may still be a possiblity later down the line because we ended on good terms - who knows - but I feel the easiest way is to think that it is not, that way I won't be gathering up any hope to be let down. She also has no definite plans when or where she is going, which makes it that bit harder, she just has said that she is planning to go this year."

 

I think you have it in this paragraph. You should be no contact with this person to help heal. You are working on yourself and staying in touch with friends. You are doing all the right things to move you forward. You are right and you will get through this.

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"For now I am just trying to focus on myself, its very difficult but I am concentrating on bettering myself, using the gym, studying, keeping in touch with old friends etc. I am learning to try and accept that the relationship is over. Reconciliation may still be a possiblity later down the line because we ended on good terms - who knows - but I feel the easiest way is to think that it is not, that way I won't be gathering up any hope to be let down. She also has no definite plans when or where she is going, which makes it that bit harder, she just has said that she is planning to go this year."

 

I think you have it in this paragraph. You should be no contact with this person to help heal. You are working on yourself and staying in touch with friends. You are doing all the right things to move you forward. You are right and you will get through this.

 

 

Thanks. That's it I guess. My worry is maybe she won't go away at all and this was just an excuse. But I have to take her for her word and I realise I have no control over anyone else but myself.

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Thanks. That's it I guess. My worry is maybe she won't go away at all and this was just an excuse. But I have to take her for her word and I realise I have no control over anyone else but myself.

 

It doesn't matter if she goes away or it's just an excuse. If a woman really loves her man she won't leave you. She left you either way, if she was truly in love she would never have left you to begin with!!

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It doesn't matter if she goes away or it's just an excuse. If a woman really loves her man she won't leave you. She left you either way, if she was truly in love she would never have left you to begin with!!

 

True and something I'll have to learn to accept. I hoped she would regret her decision to let it finish but won't hold my breath!

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My heart hurts for you just reading that man...that is so tough to go through because it doesn’t necessarily bring you closure...more of a what if....which I think is the worst...I’m going through a what if moment as well...we were never even officially together so my recovery time will be much quicker, however it’s been 10 days of NC and today has been awful due to the what if’s...it just wont leave my mind...but I had to let her go to heal and be single as she’s 23 and been in relationships since she was 17. One of which broke her heart (4 years) and the other 8 months of a rebound which was emotionally draining for her...We had such an amazing connection and after asking her if she needed to be single and unwind from all of it a few times during the two months, 11 days ago she rings me up and tells me I was right and that she needs to be free for awhile, date around, unwind from everything and that she’s just not emotionally ready for another relationship. What I didn’t realize was how attached I’d become over those two months as I haven’t been in a relationship with a girl I liked that much in over 10 years due to a crazy job I had which is a bit confidential but it’s torn me apart...

 

but better for it to happen now for us then further down the road when we were officially together or even for you if you guys were married with kids. We have to let them go no matter what the reason is to sort out whatever it is that’s pulled them away...we can’t force them to stay or change their mind when their hearts not in it.... it’ll only make it worse. And if down the road we meet again...then so be it...until then we will focus on moving forward, not focus on the what if as much as possible, workout, and improve ourselves to be an even better version of ourselves for the next girl that crosses our path.

Edited by YNWA
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Sometimes, I just like to listen to the men in here talk about their issues with women...I know you are expressing your issues, but you are brave and confronting them head on...I wish I could reason things out the way you men can sometimes, or at least be more gracious, as you are in your post, and less "catty" about a breakup, or men in general, no matter who is at fault or not...You are a champion sir. You are taking it like a champ. If nothing else, people will know that about you and remember you for your ability to exert grace under fire. That is an intrinsic value, keep fostering it in your life and don't over tend it so that it grows a large ego, and you are a sure-fire winner, winner, chicken dinner. Good job. It hurts, we all know it does when you lose someone you care for deeply, I sympathize with your pain, but congratulations on the Olympic attitude when you run into a wall of pain--you just keep striving, sir...you are good for the gold!

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