Pretty rough last few days, I need to get this off my chest

[ShakenUp]

I've been lurking these forums the past few days and I finally wanted to post to have some things off my chest.

 

So my ex and I dated for nearly 4 years. We both met in undergrad but after graduation I moved to Illinois for grad school and she moved to Florida to grad school. We did long distance for about a year and it was really hard. We didn't have much time for each other but when we did it felt amazing to talk to each other. But towards the end of our relationship, the lack of time and dedication toward each other definitely took a hit. It was becoming even harder and harder for us to stay in touch so we both decided to mutually call it quits 3 months ago and end on good terms.

 

We did no contact right away but still followed each other on social media like snapchat. 2 days after our break up, my roommate shows me a girl on one of the dating apps he uses and it was my ex...Immediately I was like wow she is moving on fast and kind of hurt. I know I shouldn't have texted her but I texted her saying my roommate saw you on the app...She immediately apologized and said it was stupid for her to be on it so soon. She said she only was on it to see how many matches she would get and boost her self-esteem after the break-up. She said she deleted it. Even though it hurt me, I told her whatever helps you try to get over me you should go for it. But she said she would not be using it. Fast forward a week, a classmate of mine shows me his phone and on the same app she is there again( classmate of mine only showed me because he thought me and my ex were still dating,

 

it was only a week or so into our break up and I did not really tell people yet except my close friends)I told myself wow she really wants the attention and I did not feel like reaching out to her at all for an explanation this time so I let it go as I knew my ex really likes craving attention hence why she is on the dating apps. In my mindset I was hurt but I also cared about her so I wanted her to be happy and be okay with whatever she needs to do. So fast forward 3 more weeks, we haven't contacted each other at all until one night I get a text from her saying "Hey, hope you been doing okay". It was puzzling at first to get a text from her but I replied to her saying I've been good and hope the same for you. She replies back and we have a small conversation catching up or so.

 

I assumed she may have reached out cause she was missing me and feeling lonely. The conversation was kind of short and brief and we wished each other the best at the end. Thanksgiving rolls by, I do not message her saying Happy Thanksgiving and I felt bad I did not but it was for the best to get over her. She ends up texting me the day after saying I know this is belated but Happy Thanksgiving. I actually loved that she messaged me, it felt good that she still cared about me. I replied saying thank you and hope she had a great holiday with her family. We again have a short conversation and catch up a bit through text. Fast forward another two weeks it was right during finals time for both of us. I am stressed and studying very hard during this week. One night , I get another text from my ex saying "Hey how are you". This stressed me out as I was already stressed and wondered why she was texting me right now.

 

I said i'm good just stressed with my finals and I ask her how she is. She said the same and tells me she is on the verge of failing one of her classes is she doesn't do well on her final. I felt bad, immediately I thought what if the break up has been bad on her and she has been doing poor in class. I told her you got this and tried very hard to motivate her and told her if she needs any help to let me know and I would help her right away. She said thanks for talking to me and said she will try her best to pass. As finals week goes on, I cared more about her passing her finals than I did passing mine at that point. So on her last day of finals, she sends me snapchat saying she passed her class by 1%.

 

I am immediately stoked for her and very happy for her. We catch up a bit at this point and I tell her, her snapchat stories of her roommate's dog is so cute I want to reply to them but I can't. She tells me we can still snapchat each other and reply to each other's stories sometimes. I knew this wasn't a good idea but at the time I liked the idea of kind of staying in touch with each other. So now we are both on Christmas break, we kind of snapchat each other not much it was very rare and to be honest we kind of stopped talking or snapping each other a week into our breaks. So Christmas rolls around and I take the initiative this time to text her Happy holidays. It was only a short message wishing her happy holidays. She replies saying thanks and then replies saying I wanted to message you happy holidays too but I didn't know if it was a good idea.

 

I thought immediately in my head well you texted me for Thanksgiving first and I was confused why she said this. I told her well you texted me first for Thanksgiving. She responds oh I did? And then says it's not a bad idea I just didn't know if it would stress you out. I said it didn't. It was kinda upsetting to hear that because in my head I wondered if she was becoming serious with any of the guys she was talking to on one of her dating apps.

 

So now we are in middle to late January. We haven't really talked to each other or snapped each other at this point. She makes an Instagram post of her singing (She is good singer and would sing for me when we dated) and it was very beautiful, so beautiful I text her saying your latest Instagram post is so amazing. She immediately responds saying thank you and loves all the likes she was getting on her post. She ask how school is going. I reply to her right away and say its been going well, how about yours. She takes a few hours to respond, no biggie as I thought we shouldn't be texting each other much anyways. She responds it's going well and asks me if I have any exams coming up and whatnot.

 

I told her I do have a few and I ask her the same question but she takes 7 hours to reply. I noticed that was weird too but I don't say anything. She asks me a question about something random but I am kind of upset she is taking forever to respond so I don't respond to her. At this point she starts snapping me casual stuff like her friend's dogs and random stuff from her school and I would snap her back casual stuff as well. We did not snap each other all the time but just a few times a day. But I really started to notice something weird when we would snap, she would take forever to reply or she would just message back to my snap saying lol, keeping it real short. I knew something weird was going on and I began to become paranoid about her talking to someone else.

 

Also I should give some background info about myself during this time in middle to late January. During this time I was going through a rough stretch with one of my best friends as we got into a big argument about something stupid that happened when we were drunk. So it felt nice to talk to my ex at this point because I know she cares about me, kind of like when she was stressing about her finals and I was there for her. I didn't tell her what exactly happened just that we had a big argument. So when she became slow at replying to me and just keeping it short with me, I became upset and paranoid. So then last week, she was barely responding to me and it really sucked.

 

I knew there was someone else in the picture and I really wanted her to tell me straight up so it could give me ease of mind and I would back off. On snapchat, she has her location sharing on so any of her friends, including me can see where she is. A few days ago, at night she turned her location off and I thought it was weird because she never did that before. I wake up the next morning and her location was back on and it was at someone's apartment a few hours away from where she lives. I was super paranoid at this point because I know she doesn't know anyone who lives in that part of Florida. So I finally reach out to her and tell her hey if we are going to be on good terms we should be straight up with each other so no one gets hurt. She replies saying yeah that sounds good we should be straight with each other. So i tell her do you have anything to tell me and she says no.

 

I then bring up I've known you were back on the apps right away even after our initial talk about it. She said yeah she is and said sorry for being on it and affecting me but She's not sorry for using it to cope for the break up. I told her I am not upset that shes on it just upset she didn't tell me and I tell her rudely I know you crave the attention from other men which is why you are on it. We have lengthy heated discussion about this and I tell her we need to be straight up with each other so no one gets hurt. So I ask her are you at a guy's place right now...and she dodges the question at first but I ask her again and she said yeah. I completely lost it now. I call her and I blow up on her because I am pretty hurt.

 

I know we aren't dating but it was just painful at the time and still is painful. She tells me it's not serious at all and she isn't looking for anything serious at the moment and doesn't want anything emotionally serious. I ask her did you sleep over there and she said yeah. So I ask her did you have sex with him. She said yeah and this where I become extremely hurt and to a point crazy. She tells me she is reconsidering if we should be friends and on good terms and I tell her it was your idea to be friends still.

 

She proceeds to tell me this guy and him are not serious and he only wants to be friends with benefits. I am outraged Because in our whole relationship of nearly 4 years this girl was innocent and did not like the idea of sex early on of our relationship that we did not have sex for 5 months because did not want to. She has phases where she gets religious and thinks sex should be saved for marriage and only with people you love. She made me feel bad at times when we would have sex. But during the second half of our relationship it became better and she wouldn't be as moody about it as she was before.

 

So I ask her how does she want to be come friends with benefits with someone when she doesn't like sex. She tells me her views changed and i said in a few months? She was like yup, people change. She is being completely rude and tells me she wants to explore sex more and tells me straight up she wants to have more casual sex with other people. I am outraged because for the longest time she said sex is for people who should be in love with each other. How can she just change her view like that.

 

I am super hurt and angry at this point. I immediately just yell at her saying I wish you never contacted me first after our break up because I was doing fine and you only contacted me because you were lonely and missing me but now when I hit you up you take forever to respond to me because now you have another guy to talk to. I completely go off her at this point and I just hang up saying a big **** you. She proceeds to block me from all social media and I have not talked to her since.

 

Now I am here a few days later still mixed up in my feelings. I failed an exam because I can't study and I am just broken. She has made me feel less of a man and I feel hurt to a point where I can't think of anything else.

 

Thank you to all that took the time to read this. I know I am crazy to a point and I try my best to not let my paranoia get to me but my paranoia was spot on. I know I shouldn't have asked her about anything she was doing because we are not dating and she even said she shouldn't have to answer to me because we aren't dating anymore. I agree but if we were on good terms she should have told me about her being on apps and whatnot. I know she didn't want to hurt me but it was gonna hurt either way and this way hurt me even more.

 

I know I shouldn't track her location on snapchat but it being there just doesn't help. I am only upset that she is having sex with random people and wants to continue that. I am upset because of her past views and history about sex with me. Why has her views changed that so much? Sorry for the language but why does she want to hoe around. My friends tell me she needs to do it because she misses me and helps her cope over the break up. It's upsetting because that's not who she is really is and I can't believe she's changed like that.

 

Also you guys might think I'm crazy for my actions but honestly she was the first person I have ever loved and had a relationship with. She was my first everything. And now it is hurting me to see her like this.

Edited February 12, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
paragraphs, please use them

[LivingWaterPlease]

Your feelings are understandable! You two dated for four years and bonded sexually in love together.

 

In your place I probably wouldn't contact her again or remain friends with her because it seems as if it's too painful for you to do so given the choices she's making.

 

It does seem as if she's changed her views about sexuality and what it means to her. I could be wrong but it seems to me the two of you have different views about the meaning of sexuality, yours being that sex is more meaningful and hers being that she considers it more to be a more casual experience now.

 

I'm so sorry you're going through this now. I know it's very painful for you. Can you begin to date around with others yourself?

[ShakenUp]

Thanks for the reply and your words, I really appreciate it.

 

I am no longer going to contact her and I hope she never contacts me.

 

To me I thought sex was something sacred you should only share with the person you are committed in either a relationship or marriage. I have only been with one girl and it was her. But because of her actions, I too feel like my views will change eventually.

 

I am just confused why her views changed in a such a short period of time and so drastically.

 

I know it is painful and I am trying to make the right steps to get over this. I do have the opportunity to date others but I am going to just focus on my self and school for the time being.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Thanks for the reply and your words, I really appreciate it.

 

I am no longer going to contact her and I hope she never contacts me.

 

Wise decision, ShakenUp! I believe someday she'll contact you but I wouldn't wait for it because it could be a very long time. Someday she'll remember the guy who really loved her, was faithful to her and valued being intimate with her. When she gets tired of being used by plenty of jerks. By that time you'll have found someone who believes like you do, though, and will be thankful, believe it or not, that you and she broke up.

 

To me I thought sex was something sacred you should only share with the person you are committed in either a relationship or marriage.

 

There are many women who also still believe it's sacred and meaningful despite how our society has embraced promiscuity.

 

I have only been with one girl and it was her. But because of her actions, I too feel like my views will change eventually.

 

Don't let her behavior be a bad influence on you, ShakenUp. There are i someone out there who believes as you do, as I already mentioned, that you'll have a great life with, I believe. Keep the faith!

 

I am just confused why her views changed in a such a short period of time and so drastically.

 

No one knows but her, and maybe she doesn't even know why.

 

I know it is painful and I am trying to make the right steps to get over this. I do have the opportunity to date others but I am going to just focus on my self and school for the time being.

 

I believe you're very wise not to date others but to focus on yourself and school until you heal. There's someone better for you out there. One day I believe that'll be obvious to you. But, I'm so sorry you're going through this difficult time.

[ShakenUp]

LivingWaterPlease

 

Thank you for taking time of out of your life to reply and giving some words of encouragement to me. Your words are very helpful for me and I truly appreciate it.

[LivingWaterPlease]

LivingWaterPlease

 

Thank you for taking time of out of your life to reply and giving some words of encouragement to me. Your words are very helpful for me and I truly appreciate it.

 

You're welcome, ShakenUp. Wishing you the absolute best!