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Should I send her a final closure email? ***Updated***


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Basically my girlfriend ended our 10 month long relationship over how fast we should advance our relationship. She wanted to move in and get married sooner than I did. Both of us had previously been married w/ kids and our marriages ended just the year prior. I didn't know she was preparing to end things over this but I guess she was mentally checking out. Once she did I came back to her and tried to work with her on resolving this and coming to a compromise (yes..pretty much chasing).

 

Over the past month or so after the breakup she kept me on a string, pulling me in like she missed me only to push me away again. At one point I told her I couldn't do this anymore, I didn't appreciate being strung along and that I wouldn't be friends with her either. Shortly after this conversation she came back and told me she wanted to really sit down and discuss things. So we sat down and talked about trying the relationship again, albeit slowly and possibly moving in again the following summer. I thought this was a productive meeting, it was essentially that she needed some time and space but that we would try again.

 

Several weeks later after giving her some space she called and told me that she didn't want this anymore and told me its best we don't talk anymore. Bottom line is I later found out that while she was telling me she wanted to try again with me that she was actually starting a relationship with someone else and once that took off she cut me loose.

 

I know technically this is not cheating but it did break my heart. It's been four months later now and I heard her and that boyfriend broke up. My question is if she comes back again would anyone consider taking her back if they were in my position? I do still love her and am on the fence if that situation would come up.

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I don't usually comment on other people's problems. (Perhaps finally starting a new relationship of my own after years 'alone in limbo' gives me a little confidence about my opinion being valid.) That said ...... at this point what makes you think you could ever trust her?

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Anybody who is less than a year out of one marriage with kids who is pressing for living together & marriage so fast would unnerve me. I'd fear they only wanted me because I was there as a place filler because they couldn't be alone. I would also be concerned that she makes bad quick decisions without thinking things through. Her decision to immediately take up with another only to have that implode within 4 months proves my point. It's not about her loving you. It's about her inability to be alone. Wouldn't you rather be with somebody who wants YOU as opposed to any warm body?

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thefooloftheyear

Not that complicated....The "lie" is immaterial...

 

For whatever reason, you aren't doing it for her....She "kept you on a string" because she isn't confident enough or decisive enough to just figure out what she wants...so she waffled around...

 

Go back? No way..Why would you?

 

 

TFY

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Why are you giving this head space? You heard her and the other guy broke up but she hasn't come back to you. You're hoping there is a 'yet' at the end of that sentence. You're hoping she will try to get back with you. Why is that? Do you want her back or is it more of an ego thing?

 

Either way, don't bother. You'll never get back to where you were and you'll constantly be worrying that she'll take off again when you least expect it. Put this out of your mind completely until, or if, it ever happens.

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  • 3 months later...
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I wanted to expand on a previous thread http://www.loveshack.org/forums/general/general-relationship-discussion/638747-should-i-take-her-back-if-she-wants-too of mine because I think these experiences that we share can be valuable learning experiences to others on here. You'll need to read this previous thread to get some background. I appreciate everyone that views this and comments. Thanks in advance!!

 

After she strung me along and cut me loose a weird string of events happened. So I started going out on dates again and on one of these particular dates I met a woman and were talking about ex's. Through this sharing of information I realized I was on a date with the ex-wife of the guy that's dating my girlfriend. I had no idea who this woman was before this night and it's not like we are in a small town either, I live in a large metropolitan area, she lived 30-40 mins away. It just seemed strange that I ended up on a date with this lady and we were able to make this connection. This was basically how I found out that my ex-girlfriend had cut me loose for another guy and basically the excuse that she gave me was garbage. This woman and her ex-husband were still on very bad terms and with this new information I just learned made me very angry. I know the right thing for me to do would have been just to walk away, but I let my anger prevail. She and I shared information about our ex's, much of it wasn't very flattering. Basically all this got back to our ex's because she was eager to tell him everything about his new girlfriend, this essentially caused them to break up. I guess I got some retribution, but I never felt good about it. I was disappointed I let my anger and emotions rule over my better judgment, I know I'm better than that. At this point, my ex and I bitterly hated each other, there was zero contact and I thought I'd never see her again. I was actually beginning to heal and move on from her, I guess since I knew that I'd never hear from her again it kind of gave me closure in a weird way.

 

Two months after this happened I decided to go grocery shopping at a different store (This grocery store is in a different town than either of us live and neither of us shop here hardly ever). My ex and I lived 30 mins apart. When I'm shopping I see my ex come down my aisle, she doesn't see me but is doing a quick check for something and then walks out of the store. I follow her out to her car and this starts a conversation. We are still very angry at each other but agree to meet later in the week. We aired out our grievances and it was a real positive meeting. At least now we didn't hate each other anymore, we ended with a hug.

 

Again, I didn't really expect to hear from her again. About 6 weeks after this she starts texting me and that turns to phone calls, which turns into dates. We were talking everyday again and she told me that she forgives me for what I did (although she never apologizes for the things she did to me...i.e. Stringing me along, cutting me loose for another guy, breaking my heart, etc...). We essentially date from early November to Mid December. We only kiss though, she said she needed to take it slow before we progressed beyond that. I agreed to this and didn't want to pressure her and she told me that meant a lot to her. I think things are going okay, she's actually initialing most of the text and calls, then out of the blue right before Christmas she tells me that she just can't trust me because of what happened in the past and she dumped me again.

 

So basically I'm heart broken all over again and pretty much wish I never ran into her at the grocery store, it has delayed my healing by at least 6 months. I'm pretty sure she only reached out because she was feeling lonely at that particular time and knew I would come back to her. In early January, I thought I'd go out to match.com and try this dating thing again and I saw her profile out there, it killed me all over again and I retreated from that site. I'm going no contact now, but she texted me just a week ago and sent me some scripture that she felt like she needed to share with me. She also told me she is here for me, just not in the capacity that I want. I swear she loves to torture me. I hope I will someday recover for this, this has been hell for me. I'm drinking way too much now trying to ease the anxiety and depression that I thought I was previously moving past. I just hate how someone could have knocked me off center like this. I did things that I certainly regret and I feel so guilty but the pain from this has been awful, I hope I never have to go through this again in my life. Just wanted to share my story.

Edited by jm5423
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I know I didn't post a question here, but any thoughts would be appreciated. I feel angry and depressed all the time and feel like I'm on the verge of making some bad decisions, like trying to contact her again..I've just never been in a place like this before mentally, not even after my divorce. I don't really have any one else to bounce this stuff off of anymore.

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You did what felt right at the time. You gave it another go and it didn't work out. Now you know. Time to start fresh and go NC and heal for good. You did it once before where you were moving on, you can do it again!

 

Be strong, no NC and no taking her back. You are not a piece of garbage to be thrown away. You should be in a place where you are done with her for good!

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Just went through something very similar. I cheated we got back, tried therapy and it work d for a bit until she went to individual therapy and now things she’s a model who can have any charming millionaire so I told her it wouldn’t work and we haven’t spoke since late October.

 

I look back and wonder if I should have just let it go the first time and it looks like I’ll never know by I do know that there’s no better time than the present so move on ! Start moving on today and start by blocking her !

 

Screw her she’s only looking to get attention and then drop you. Block her by every means possible for your sake

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You did what felt right at the time. You gave it another go and it didn't work out. Now you know. Time to start fresh and go NC and heal for good. You did it once before where you were moving on, you can do it again!

 

Be strong, no NC and no taking her back. You are not a piece of garbage to be thrown away. You should be in a place where you are done with her for good!

 

Yeah, it's just a long process. I hate that I went backwards and have to climb back out of this hole once again. It's my fault as well, because I really felt like she was genuine about reconciling. Guess I'm the fool again.

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Just went through something very similar. I cheated we got back, tried therapy and it work d for a bit until she went to individual therapy and now things she’s a model who can have any charming millionaire so I told her it wouldn’t work and we haven’t spoke since late October.

 

I look back and wonder if I should have just let it go the first time and it looks like I’ll never know by I do know that there’s no better time than the present so move on ! Start moving on today and start by blocking her !

 

Screw her she’s only looking to get attention and then drop you. Block her by every means possible for your sake

 

I do feel like she's using me as a backup plan or when she gets lonely and needs someone to fill a void, she knows I'm safe. I lost all power in the relationship when she broke up with me and I began to chase. Maybe blocking her number would give me a sense of empowerment again. I'm still on the fence about it, I do hate sitting here and wondering if every text message I get could be her.

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I have a serious urge to send a final email to my ex-girlfriend. I want to tell her that I'm basically done with her and not to contact me anymore unless she's serious about trying again. If anyone has read my posts you'll know everything I went through with her. She broke up with me last spring, only to come back this past winter and dump me once again. She has texted me as recently as week and a half ago, I'm pretty sure to check if I was still on the hook in case her next relationship doesn't work out. I want to email her and call her out on some of her B.S., telling her I'm done with her games and tell her to never contact me unless she's serious about reconnecting.

 

I've had little contact with her over the past couple of months, but I can't get her memories out of my head because I hold out hope she will contact me again. My question is, do you think this email will provide me any closure and help me move on? I know I chased too much after she broke up with me and I need to stand my ground. I'm on the fence about this, I could really use some input. Would this make me look weak and desperate or give me some self-respect and closure back ?

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jm5423,

Please do not do this.

 

Let your silence speak to her.

 

Block, delete go NC totally.

 

She jerks you around because she can, so put a stop to it now. :)

 

Get some self-respect and stop being her Plan B :rolleyes:

 

You don't need her for closure.

 

And remember - never make someone a priority when you are only their option.

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Would this make me look weak and desperate or give me some self-respect and closure back ?

 

Yes!!!!!

 

Do not send the email. It will have the exact opposite effect of what you want.

 

Do hand write whatever you want to say. Don't write it on computer where you will be tempted to hit send. Get all your feelings out & on paper. Then fold up the paper & stick in a drawer. Read it again in a week. Then stick it back into a drawer. Keep doing this until you see how pathetic you sound. Then in a controlled situation, set it on fire & watch the smoke. As the smoke drifts up, let go of all the pent up emotions.

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You say you write the letter for closure but everyone else apart from you can see , you write the letter expecting an outcome;she should come back. She moved on to someone else, let her keep up her cycle, if you truly want to move on, you will realize that letter can do absolutely nothing good for you, it just stalls you, after you sent it, you will be waiting for a reply, huge chances are you will get none, and you will back to day one.

Take the advice here and move on, you staying in the picture with texts and letters only helps here move further away from you

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Thanks for the response everyone, I really appreciate it. Sometimes this stuff makes you feel like you're going insane and you need to just do "something". As guys we sometimes feel like we're programmed to do "something". It's good to get a reality check from everyone on this forum to prevent me from making anymore bad decisions.

 

This has been my first experience being dumped and then having that person constantly giving you breadcrumbs and coming back when they are lonely. In the past the dumpers have split and never led me on like this. I've read many things that says just go no contact. But like so many others, I thought my situation was different. It's only living through this experience that made me it's never wise to chase and to go no contact right away. It's very painful and sometimes I go against my better judgement, but it's good to have this forum to help keep me in check.

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