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Break Up after abortion


MindYourBusiness

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MindYourBusiness

I am still in shock about what happened to me last week. I had an abortion at the beginning of this year that I didn’t want from the start.

 

My now ex-boyfriend put some pressure on me to get the procedure done ASAP, and I didn’t even have time to decide if I would prepare the surgery or the medical.

 

After the abortion, I slipped into the worst depression of my life. Cried a lot, had anxiety, panic attacks, I feel regret and guilt.

 

I was seven weeks pregnant with twins, and when I saw them on the ultrasound, my heart broke into a billion pieces.

My boyfriend hasn’t been supportive in a way I would have needed him. He got impatient when I cried or needed reassurance.

I wasn't the best version of myself and there were definitely moments where I didn't treat him fairly, was emotional or over reacted.

 

Long story short: 4 days ago he broke up all of the sudden after leaving me a letter the day before about how much he loves me.

 

I am in complete shock. I don’t know how to deal with this abortion aftermath by myself. I don’t recognize him anymore. That caring and sweet person I fell in love with, is completely gone.

 

How should I move on?

 

He has already texted me a few times now that he still cares and wanted to drop off a note for me but I told him to not to go in my apartment. He also said he is just starting to get the space he needs and his soul requires???

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CantTakeMySmile
Was birth control discussed prior to having sex?? If so, did you discuss why it failed??

 

I am not sure they would know the reason it failed.

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MindYourBusiness

I was on the pill but it failed. What happened happened. I don't see a point in losing more sleep over wondering why.

Edited by Lenila1992
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Happy Lemming
I am not sure they would know the reason it failed.

 

I have a "working theory" that he blames her for getting pregnant, that he feels she did something wrong.

 

Sometimes, guys (me included) think that the pill is 100% and if the woman gets pregnant, its her fault for putting him in that situation. He may also think she got pregnant on purpose to "hook him in" and force a marriage or commitment that he wasn't ready for.

 

It happened to me many years ago... The woman I was dating stopped taking her pill and didn't tell me, because she wanted to hook me in. Possibly to force me to marry her or live with her or some other "fairy tail" crap in her head. I said all the right things to convince her to get an abortion. I promised the sun, the moon and the stars. I paid for the entire abortion and when I dropped her off after the procedure. I told her I hated her for lying to me and she would never see me again. Then I drove off and never looked back.

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MindYourBusiness

well , thats not what happened.. I still dont know how I got pregnant. I threw up a lot before that happened and I assume that the dosage wasn't high enough to protect me anymore.

 

He stayed with me 3 weeks after the abortion though.. it is very confusing to me. Especially him reaching out to me now again saying he still cares.

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Happy Lemming
well , thats not what happened.. I still dont know how I got pregnant. I threw up a lot before that happened and I assume that the dosage wasn't high enough to protect me anymore.

 

He stayed with me 3 weeks after the abortion though.. it is very confusing to me. Especially him reaching out to me now again saying he still cares.

 

OK... Sorry... it was just a working theory. I was trying to explain his actions based on my experiences.

 

At this point, I'll bow out and let others offer an opinion that better suits the scenario. I don't know why he did what he did.

 

Again, I am sorry for your pain and your situation.

 

Get well soon.

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MindYourBusiness

Thank you Lemming, I appreciate your response and I can see where you are coming from. Im sorry you had to experience that and I know we women can do crazy things some time. In my case however, I think I am not the crazy one.

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Broken broken

I'm really sorry for what you're going through. I was wondering how old you are and how long you too were together? beside texting, have you too being able to talk?

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MindYourBusiness

I am 26 years old, he is 31.

He said he will stay away for a while so that he can "heal" which is silly to me because his response to my grief was " those fcking things weren't even alive".. so no. We were not able to talk.

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How should I move on?

 

He has already texted me a few times now that he still cares and wanted to drop off a note for me but I told him to not to go in my apartment. He also said he is just starting to get the space he needs and his soul requires???

 

Hey Lenila,

 

I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through. It was tough to read honestly and I can see why you feel broken. How do you move on? First block that prick before he can do any more harm to you. He soul needs space? Are you kidding me? I can't believe he broke up with you after all of this. I can understand his actions if you got pregnant deceitfully but under no other circumstance is this fair. You'll do a lot better without him so don't delay the blocking.

 

How is your relationship with your parents? If you're on good terms, I strongly suggest you tell them everything. If you're not comfortable going to your parents then do you have any close friends who can support you? Whatever it is, please talk to the important people in your life and DO NOT attempt to recover on your own. It's going to take time to heal but with the right people around, it'll happen a lot faster.

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He sounds like a selfish POS to me. First he can't be there for his children and then he can't be there for you in your time of loss of them.

 

I don't know why he changed or if he even changed but it has nothing to do with who you are and everything to do with him. He's showing you who he is.

 

I hope you feel better soon.

xo

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MindYourBusiness

thank you so much for your response.

 

I am still trying to make sense of his behavior. Some of my friends think that maybe he didn't love me in the first place and when we found out Im pregnant he just ran away the first chance he got.

 

Maybe he is in denial stage and not processing whats happening at all. I really have no idea but it would give me some peace knowing that he is hurting too right now. I know I won't have that peace..

 

Not im grieving the loss of my twins as well as the loss of him. Plus in December my grandpa passed away.

He truly left me alone in my darkest time.

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You were forced into a difficult choice & you took swift action at his insistence without thinking about what you wanted. Then he dumped you. Personally I see him as a coward -- unwilling to face the consequences of his sexual actions or what he pressured you into emotionally.

 

You are better off without him in your life but somehow you have to find a way to make peace with your other choice. I suggest therapy because this is too big & you were not ready to deal with any of this on your own.

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MindYourBusiness

I started seeing a therapist and it is helping a lot.

However, it also feels good to talk here to "normal" people who use words like cowards etc. because I feel like thats what I need to hear.

 

I need someone who is brutally honest to me about how his actions make him seem because I still am blind. I still hope that loving and caring person comes back.

I am literally still in shock.

 

How did he turn into this person? I remember me cramping at night after taking the second abortion pill ( it didn't work the first time) and he asked me to be quiet be cause he had to get up at 5.

Then he texts me he needs space so his soul can heal after telling me to get it together because the "fcking babies weren't alive yet " anyways.

WHAT HAPPENED HERE?

Edited by Lenila1992
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I don't think the "loving caring person" you feel for will ever be back. Your situation brought out his true character & it was sorely lacking. Even if that is the part of himself he doesn't like, a part he tries to keep hidden, he let it out & now he may be embarrassed because you saw him at his worst. However, you now know it's in there & you bent your will to him.

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CantTakeMySmile
I started seeing a therapist and it is helping a lot.

However, it also feels good to talk here to "normal" people who use words like cowards etc. because I feel like thats what I need to hear.

 

I need someone who is brutally honest to me about how his actions make him seem because I still am blind. I still hope that loving and caring person comes back.

I am literally still in shock.

 

How did he turn into this person? I remember me cramping at night after taking the second abortion pill ( it didn't work the first time) and he asked me to be quiet be cause he had to get up at 5.

Then he texts me he needs space so his soul can heal after telling me to get it together because the "fcking babies weren't alive yet " anyways.

WHAT HAPPENED HERE?

 

 

 

Are you saying you would take this ass back?

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MindYourBusiness

I know I shouldn't. Right now it still hurts so bad and I am still refusing to believe that this are his true colors. This is why I reached out to you call. I need someone to undo the brainwash he has done. Rationally I know he is toxic and has no good intentions. He does not care about the pain Im going through.

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I know I shouldn't. Right now it still hurts so bad and I am still refusing to believe that this are his true colors. This is why I reached out to you call. I need someone to undo the brainwash he has done. Rationally I know he is toxic and has no good intentions. He does not care about the pain Im going through.

 

No you should not... ever take him back.

 

Listen, when you are in a "real", loving relationship, you are there for each other, through good times and bad.

 

If you guys had, together, decided on the A, that is one thing. It would still be painful for you, which is one the reasons not to do it.

 

But at least you would have been there for each other.

 

Now this guy has shown his true colors and those are a huge red flag.

 

Don't ever take him back, and don't date guys like him. It will bring you nothing but heart ache.

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How did he turn into this person?

 

I remember me cramping at night after taking the second abortion pill ( it didn't work the first time) and he asked me to be quiet be cause he had to get up at 5.

Then he texts me he needs space so his soul can heal after telling me to get it together because the "fcking babies weren't alive yet " anyways.

WHAT HAPPENED HERE?

 

He didn't turn into this person. He's always been this person. In times of strife and difficulty is when you see a person's true nature. He has shown you his core, who he truly is.

 

And that's the guy you want to go back to? The guy who tells you to be quiet while you are suffering the pain of going through an abortion because he needs his sleep? The guy who tells you his pain is far more important and you just need to get over losing your unborn babies.

 

You don't need anyone to talk you out of the fantasy that is your douchebag boyfriend. It's pretty glaring and a really big slap in the face. It should be enough to wake you up.

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I know I shouldn't. Right now it still hurts so bad and I am still refusing to believe that this are his true colors. This is why I reached out to you call. I need someone to undo the brainwash he has done. Rationally I know he is toxic and has no good intentions. He does not care about the pain Im going through.

 

This is true. He's not capable of thinking beyond himself (selfish).

 

He's not supportive, understanding, nurturing and compassionate when you're in need.

 

Honestly, it's better you know his character (or lack of rather) now - so that you can make better choices in a life partner than what he offers.

 

He's just not capable.

 

You need more. That's totally understandable. You're just not a good match.

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Like what Zahara said. The going got a tough (for a VERY short period of time, considering), and he showed his true, selfish colors. He’s awful. I’m sorry you’re hurting and for what you are going through. But he is beneath you.

 

I heard a quote once, and I wish I could find it because I think it was apt for this situation and my effort to get it across isn’t going to do it justice, and might not even make much sense at all....

 

But it was kind of like...If you found out you stepped in dog crap, what would you do? You’d wipe it off the bottom of your shoe and keep on walking. He’s the dog crap in this situation.

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MindYourBusiness

Thank you guys so much for your answers I really appreciate it.

Its good to hear that its not all my fault because that is what he said. He made me feel horrible for crying or having emotional breakdowns. There were situations where I was crying in front of him and we would fight and I said please just give me a hug and show me that you love me and he couldn't do that.

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I'm so sorry. I had an abortion when I was younger also and it really is hard. I'm sorry that your boyfriend is unable to support you but it sounds like he does still love you but he is also dealing with this loss in his own way. I'm sure he is feeling the pain of this as well. Maybe you both just need to grieve in your own way and see if you still have something after your better. Do you have anyone else to talk to about this? Maybe seek counseling? if can't afford one, churches usually have a Pastoral Counselor that could probably meet with you for free. I know it hurts, but you will get through this. Don't quit and keep hope.

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