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Break Up after abortion


Breaks and Breaking Up It happens to most everyone at some point in life! Share your experiences!

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Old 12th February 2018, 9:13 PM   #46
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Although I am on your side 100% I can see why he "thinks" that you contacting his sister was a way of trying to manipulate him. Even though that was not your intention he sees it this way and is using this as an excuse to blame you. There is no point in contacting him or his family moving forward. Go strict NC. The relationship seems to be over and the more you can accept that the faster your healing process will start. I am so sorry this happened to you.
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Old 17th February 2018, 8:03 PM   #47
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Was I in a relationship with a narcissist?

Hey,

maybe a few of you guys red my last post about me getting left alone after losing my grandpa and going through an abortion by the man that promised me he would never leave my side.

I just want to hear your guys opinion about where my relationship to that man might have gone wrong and where I might have made mistakes so that I can learn for the future and have healthy relationships at some point.

I try to make this entire story as short as possible. We had a really bad crisis in January after we found out that I was almost 2 month pregnant with twins. Right before that my grandpa has passed away and I had to start my masters program one day after the abortion. I was completely overwhelmed, cried a lot, wasn't really myself. Only 2 days after the abortion he told me he was sexually frustrated and expressed concerns about our relationship. Things started to get really bad because I felt like I wasn't getting any emotional support from him. He broke up one day after he left me a letter about how amazing I am and how much he loves me and after we made vacation plans. He said the days he loved me are over and that he can't deal with how emotional unstable I am, my inability to love myself and his sexual frustration. He said I am the only one to blame for the fact that our relationship ended.

Now that I look back I feel like there were many red flags along the way like him constantly picking on my flaws ( I wasn't curvy enough for him, he wanted me to leave my hear curly, he criticized that Im too shy and don't talk enough...). He made me feel like **** about myself sometimes but for some reason I didn't question our relationship.

Another time I had to study and stay at home. He was broke and kinda unhappy / depressed so I gave him money to go out and meet up with his friends. He ended coming home and was super noisy. I asked him a couple times to be quiet since I had a test at 7am the next morning. He called me a brat so I left his place because it really hurt me. That night on my home I ended up in a really bad car accident because of a drunk driver. He never apologized once for what happened that night. In fact he told me that he would call me a brat again if I would act that way again.

One time he went to a strip club and did MDMA with his friends. He told me he was at a concert and I found out when a message popped up on the phone. Til the very end he told me thats only my fault, too and that I just over reacted like always.

Looking back on this entire relationship I feel like I gut used by someone who didn't really loved me and just wanted my help with buying his business. I borrowed him a bunch of money so that he could make his dream come true.
I am still devestated now since he's really blaming everything on me.
How is it possible that he mistreated me so badly and I did not realize it? Is there something wrong with me? Is he right about me not being able to love myself enough?
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Old 19th February 2018, 1:13 AM   #48
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can someone share his thoughts about this with me?
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Old 19th February 2018, 1:19 AM   #49
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I don't know if that's narcissism or he's just a jerk. I think you should count yourself lucky to see him in the rearview mirror
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Old 19th February 2018, 1:36 AM   #50
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We can't diagnose him. But if a person makes your life miserable, then you should not be with them.
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Old 20th March 2018, 1:11 AM   #51
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Update:

He came back yesterday crying and apologizing for everything. We still love each other. Has anyone here experiences with situations like this? Is there a chance that we can make it as a couple with therapy and learn to forgive and trust each other?
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Old 20th March 2018, 2:45 AM   #52
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Originally Posted by Lenila1992 View Post
Update:

He came back yesterday crying and apologizing for everything. We still love each other. Has anyone here experiences with situations like this? Is there a chance that we can make it as a couple with therapy and learn to forgive and trust each other?
There's always a chance that if you jump into a swamp you'll miracolously survive it, but why bother?

He broke down your self esteem so you were easier to control. Everything is your fault, which is called gaslighting. He wasn't there when you needed him to be. Look at the cycle of abuse, he's now in the reconcaliation phase:

"The perpetrator may begin to feel remorse, guilty feelings, or fear that their partner will leave or call the police. The victim feels pain, fear, humiliation, disrespect, confusion, and may mistakenly feel responsible.

Characterized by affection, apology, or, alternatively, ignoring the incident, this phase marks an apparent end of violence, with assurances that it will never happen again, or that the abuser will do their best to change. During this stage the abuser may feel or claim to feel overwhelming remorse and sadness. Some abusers walk away from the situation with little comment, but most will eventually shower the survivor with love and affection. The abuser may use self-harm or threats of suicide to gain sympathy and/or prevent the survivor from leaving the relationship. Abusers are frequently so convincing, and survivors so eager for the relationship to improve, that survivors (who are often worn down and confused by longstanding abuse) stay in the relationship."

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cycle_of_abuse

"But he's not violent" --> He's most definitely emotionally abusive, violence comes later, please don't stick around waiting for it.

I get why he wants you back, why would you want him back?
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Old 20th March 2018, 2:59 AM   #53
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Originally Posted by Lenila1992 View Post
Update:

He came back yesterday crying and apologizing for everything. We still love each other. Has anyone here experiences with situations like this? Is there a chance that we can make it as a couple with therapy and learn to forgive and trust each other?
No, you should not. Be strong and stay away from him. He is abusive and will not change. Keep reminding yourself of his abuse, and you will not miss him. I agree with Yomachi, abuse is a cycle, and his coming back is "the honeymoon phase" that will be over very quickly and give place to another phase of abuse.
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Old 21st March 2018, 2:01 AM   #54
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Hi there, I can understand that what are you feeling right now. This time is tough for you and you need to handle it in a positive way.
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Old 21st March 2018, 12:46 PM   #55
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Originally Posted by Lenila1992 View Post
I am 26 years old, he is 31.
He said he will stay away for a while so that he can "heal" which is silly to me because his response to my grief was " those fcking things weren't even alive".. so no. We were not able to talk.
Abortion is the kind of thing people think they know what they would do/feel if it happens to them until it actually happens to them.

Unless he has always been acting like a DB, I would say his behaviour is his way of grieving. Not the best way to deal with it, but it's his way of dealing with it.

For now I would suggest giving him his space.
If he wants to come back, it'll be up to you to decide if you want to be with someone who disappears when it gets tough and you need support...
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Old 22nd March 2018, 5:36 PM   #56
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Thank you all for sharing comments and thoughts.

We spoke yesterday all day. He told me he loves me very much and that he feels like a low life and coward for what he has done. He also said that he is not interested in being in any other relationship than with me but that we need to take it slow.
I agreed but said that I can't be "just friends" because I think that this situation requires commitment and therapy together. Then he said that me saying that changes the situation and that I need to stop putting pressure on him.

Am I really asking for too much here and pushing to hard? Any thoughts or suggestions on what I should do? I feel just as bad as right after the break up right now, didn't sleep all night, had dizziness and nausea.. Personally I feel like he is taken me for granted and he seems so selfish. But I would love to hear you guys thoughts...thank you
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Old 23rd March 2018, 8:32 PM   #57
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can anyone help me?
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Old 23rd March 2018, 9:00 PM   #58
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Originally Posted by Lenila1992 View Post
I agreed but said that I can't be "just friends" because I think that this situation requires commitment and therapy together.
Those two words are going to send me running for the hills.

As a man, I don't like the idea of therapy. I'm sure it is good for some men, but I think the vast majority of us don't wish to participate in therapy.

As far as commitment... If he wanted to commit to you, then the abortion probably wouldn't have happened... I'm guessing??

I think its time to let go of this relationship and move on.
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Old 25th March 2018, 10:52 PM   #59
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lenila1992 View Post
I am 26 years old, he is 31.
He said he will stay away for a while so that he can "heal" which is silly to me because his response to my grief was " those fcking things weren't even alive".. so no. We were not able to talk.
I mean who says something like that ??? Prick.

This guy is immature and irresponsible, even if he is 31.

I find it funny that guys do not want to get "HOOKED IN" with a possible pregnancy, yet completely unable to take care of the "protection" part of sex.... when things go down they point fingers. Only an immature p u s s y , a MAN-CHILD does that, not a MAN.... or a NARCISSIST - it's a personality disorder, that you don;t want to be subjected to.
Do you think he has someone on the side it did not work out so he is back with you?


Lenila, good riddance, be very careful letting him back ( i would not). He is a selfish inconsiderate prick. He showed you his worth, he was a coward when he should have stepped up like a responsible, caring and loving man. He is none of these. Too much "pressure" on him ??? What about the ordeal you went through ?? He does not care about that tiny detail. Let him go, stop chatting with him.... this would be exactly the life together with him....he would crumble under any "pressure". Find a man who truly cares about you and shows it with his actions.... "TALK" is cheap. Always watch a man's actions.

As for you, take one day at a time, please learn from this experience.
Don't blame anyone, you need relaxful thoughts and activities, be kind to yourself. It will take time but you will get there. Hugs <3

Last edited by Captivating; 25th March 2018 at 11:15 PM..
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Old 26th March 2018, 2:56 AM   #60
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Originally Posted by Lenila1992 View Post
He told me he loves me very much and that he feels like a low life and coward for what he has done.
Quoted from my earlier post: "During this stage the abuser may feel or claim to feel overwhelming remorse and sadness".

I know it's a ****ty situation Lenila, but believe us: This is a bad situation. Please break the cycle and don't take him back.

He won't change. He'll pretend to change, you'll be convinced he changed, and yet in the end he'll be the same person he's always been.

10 years down the road you'll realize you were in an abusive relationship. Please save yourself those ten years and try to realize it now.
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