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Narcissistic traits?


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Old 7th February 2018, 11:47 AM   #1
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Narcissistic traits?

Feeling pretty hurt and confused. My boyfriend of a year recently left me out of the blue. We met through work and began speaking as friends while he was still in a relationship. A few weeks after meeting, he began texting me more and more, often mentioning how unhappy he was with his girlfriend. They had been together for about 3.5 years and seemed like the picture of perfection to me. Things became increasingly flirtatious between us. I tried to back off but he persisted and one day came in to work completely frazzled to tell me that he had ended his relationship.

About a week later, we were on our first date. Two weeks after that he was telling me he loved me (in the apartment that he and his ex had shared just three weeks before). A month passes and he's moved in with me. I was completely swept off my feet by him. Charming, good looking, same interests, seemed like my perfect partner in every way. I fell hard.

But I was still confused as to how he was able to get over his long-term relationship so quickly. He told me that things had been rocky between them for years. She had a slew of mental health issues and sometimes physically abused him. He wouldn't be able to sleep out of worry that leaving her would cause her to harm herself. She apparently threatened that a few times. I felt horrible for him and vowed to protect him from her. He made her out to be the crazy ex.

In the beginning of our relationship, he would compare me to his ex. Praise me for reacting in certain ways or even exclaiming how much better I was in bed. I wanted to prove to him that I would be different. I wouldn't hurt him and I would be fun. But he didn't respect certain things about me. While I do what I can to save my money, he would spend his on everything he could not afford and didn't need. He would often pay for the both of us when he knew I was stressed about spending but this only made me feel guilty and like I owed him. There was hardly any compromise. We are both graduate students. I have zero debt as I worked hard to pay it all off. He is currently $100,000 in debt with no budget and no plans to lessen it.

While I worked two part time jobs and prepared to head to a new school, he quit his job and would spend his days writing his thesis. He loved the finer things in life but put it all on his credit card without thought. His parents paid for his essentials and he paid minimal rent while he was with me. Nearing the end of our relationship, he asked me for a loan so he could pay off his bills. He apparently let a few months slide and only had $50 in his bank account. I didn't loan him the money because I didn't feel sorry for him at that point.

We went long distance (an hour apart) while we started new degrees at different schools. We had never been apart for more than four days in our whole relationship so we planned to see each other in two weeks. He had some trouble adjusting as he had never lived alone. He was very needy in the first week. But then two days before he was meant to come visit, he got very sick and stressed. He called me on his birthday to break up. He felt that he couldn't handle the distance and with his work load simply could not handle a relationship. He was convinced we should end it before things got too tough.

He gave a multitude of excuses and never came to pick up his things (many items that I knew he had some attachment to). He didn't break things off in person (even after a year of being together). Two months later, I got a call from him. He's seeing someone new and it's very serious. He thought I should hear it from him. He then goes on to tell me how much better she is for him. She actually enjoys spending her money and experiencing life. She's in the same PhD program so she can better support him emotionally. I had become too much of a friend to him and he felt that the distance caused him to lose attraction to me and had him lose sight of any future we could share. We are an hour apart...

I reached out to his friends because I was so hurt. They told me that he has always been in serious relationships that move extremely fast. They told me a different story of his breakup before me. His ex had apparently been suspicious of him cheating for a few months and felt that he was becoming distant for years. She would try to get him excited by planning trips together only to return home and have him emotionally shut down. They also told me that he and his new girlfriend were in Europe, visiting all the cities we had planned to go to together. So much for his crippling debt. So much for his deep love for me. So much for our plans! I feel used and naive and am wondering if his relationship patterns might relate to him having narcissistic traits. What do you think?
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Old 7th February 2018, 12:08 PM   #2
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I think some of his traits are narcissistic.

Let me prepare you but, lots of posters will come here and try to convince you that narcs don't exist and its just a made up term.

Just remember, no-one knows your Ex better than you do so your entitled to label the relationship and him however you see fit because no-one else can give you the answers, that is for sure.

For the record, I know I dated a narc for years. Boy, it was a rush but it leaves permanent damage in its wake, no doubt about that.

Check out this video. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5_yGyna8sIo. You won't find a better video explaining narcissistic behavior.

Last edited by marky00; 7th February 2018 at 12:11 PM..
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Old 7th February 2018, 12:29 PM   #3
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You posted this before under another name, Cinder Ellie.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/brea...eating-pattern

You received some excellent advice on that thread. What exactly are you wanting to hear this time around?
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Old 7th February 2018, 12:48 PM   #4
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Quote:
Originally Posted by marky00 View Post
I think some of his traits are narcissistic.

Let me prepare you but, lots of posters will come here and try to convince you that narcs don't exist and its just a made up term.

Just remember, no-one knows your Ex better than you do so your entitled to label the relationship and him however you see fit because no-one else can give you the answers, that is for sure.

For the record, I know I dated a narc for years. Boy, it was a rush but it leaves permanent damage in its wake, no doubt about that.

Check out this video. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5_yGyna8sIo. You won't find a better video explaining narcissistic behavior.
I've never heard anyone here say narcissists don't' exist. Just that people throw the term around willy-nilly when in actuality a very small percentage of the population is actually narcissistic and only a doctor can make this diagnosis. Same goes with bi-polar, OCD, ADHD, etc.
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