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Why do people lie about their breakup reasonings?


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Why do you think people like about their reasons for breaking up with someone? Do you really believe it's to spare the dumpee's feelings or is it selfish reasons?

 

Also what is the purpose of lovebombing someone? Only to do a complete switch and end things?

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CantTakeMySmile

Do you really believe it's to spare the dumpee's feelings or is it selfish reasons? I think both are reason they do it.

Also what is the purpose of lovebombing someone? Only to do a complete switch and end things?

I think it can make one feel good to lovebomb someone. I don't think there is future thought on the switch and end, so I don't think there is a reason, besides just reality.
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littleblackheart

If you're the dumpee, you'll think it's about selfish reasons and that the purpose of 'love bombing' is to do a complete switch and end things.

 

If you're the dumper, you'll think it's to spare the dumpee's feelings and that you went in feelings first, forgetting about spending actual time getting to know the person.

 

What does it matter, in the end. Whatever is helping you get over a breakup is fine. The most probable scenario in any case is that you'll get over it eventually.

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If you're the dumpee, you'll think it's about selfish reasons and that the purpose of 'love bombing' is to do a complete switch and end things.

 

If you're the dumper, you'll think it's to spare the dumpee's feelings and that you went in feelings first, forgetting about spending actual time getting to know the person.

 

What does it matter, in the end. Whatever is helping you get over a breakup is fine. The most probable scenario in any case is that you'll get over it eventually.

 

 

What if the dumper seems to be doing the same thing again with someone else? Such as moving fast and possibly love bombing?

 

I think/thought he was using me to get what ever it was he wanted out of me and said what he felt he needed to say until he either got bored or evade that commitment he was promising. If someone even feels a little bit of what they claimed I don't think they can just discard someone and move to someone else within weeks or sooner.

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Do you really believe it's to spare the dumpee's feelings or is it selfish reasons? I think both are reason they do it.

Also what is the purpose of lovebombing someone? Only to do a complete switch and end things?

I think it can make one feel good to lovebomb someone. I don't think there is future thought on the switch and end, so I don't think there is a reason, besides just reality.

 

I feel like my ex liked to see me suffer or something bc of the dinner he insisted on a week after the dumping just to tell me the same thing for three hours. Then he was stalking my tweets until I blocked him and now he doesn't even go on it anymore.

 

So they just say what feels good in the moment? Is that a lack of emotional maturity? I don't get how someone doesn't think of the consequences or seriousness of it. To say things throughout a relationship then to not feel that anymore suddenly seems strange.

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CautiouslyOptimistic

Most people just really hate to hurt other people's feelings and it's not more complicated than that.

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So they just say what feels good in the moment? Is that a lack of emotional maturity? I don't get how someone doesn't think of the consequences or seriousness of it. To say things throughout a relationship then to not feel that anymore suddenly seems strange.

 

Some do, yes. It might feel real and genuine when they say it, but feelings do change sometimes. Interests can change, or things might come out during the relationship that affect the dumper's commitment and feelings toward their partner. Or, you might be dealing with an impulsive person who loves the chase but will move on when the next shiny object rolls into view.

 

Could you give us a little more context? How long were you together and what did he say was the reason he wanted to end it?

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It's an insecure attachment style. It all starts with unrealistic idealization of the person or the relationship. That's when the love bombing goes on. As the dissolutionment of reality starts to set in they start to look around for something better. When they find it they monkey branch and leave you in the dust. The pattern repeats on and on.

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Some do, yes. It might feel real and genuine when they say it, but feelings do change sometimes. Interests can change, or things might come out during the relationship that affect the dumper's commitment and feelings toward their partner. Or, you might be dealing with an impulsive person who loves the chase but will move on when the next shiny object rolls into view.

 

Could you give us a little more context? How long were you together and what did he say was the reason he wanted to end it?

 

We were together nearly 6 months. He definitely love bombed and fast forwarded the relationship. Told me he loved me and talked marriage and kids and moving in together within the first 1-2 months. Overall I believe we were both very happy in the relationship or at least I thought. Then the last couple of weeks he got a bit distant then I came over one day and he ended it. His reasonings were he doesn't want to live in the city anymore after he graduates this upcoming may and doesn't want me to move for him like he moved here for his ex and he said it was horrible. He started crying and told me I was the second person he's every loved and only person he really cares about. He then insisted on having a dinner a week later to talk. And I asked him if that was truly the reason and he still said yes. He acted like he cared about me. Then a few weeks later tops he's dating some other girl now they already have pictures up just like when we started dating. He deleted every picture and post affiliated with me a week after we broke up as well. He was married before me and divorced probably 3 months before meeting me.

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Because the truth is like shoving barbed wire up someone's nostrils.

 

Regarding love bombing, that's just the dumper over-compensating. Trying to make a good impression on the way out. Also, allows them to plan their exit strategy. They can't exactly do that if the dumpee becomes suspicious and starts getting clingy etc.

Edited by marky00
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littleblackheart
What if the dumper seems to be doing the same thing again with someone else? Such as moving fast and possibly love bombing?

 

I think/thought he was using me to get what ever it was he wanted out of me and said what he felt he needed to say until he either got bored or evade that commitment he was promising. If someone even feels a little bit of what they claimed I don't think they can just discard someone and move to someone else within weeks or sooner.

 

Is there no part of you that believes he was sincere but had a change of heart ? If you met 3 months after his divorce, maybe he wasn't quite ready to commit to a long term relationship despite his feelings for you?

 

Maybe he's jumping from one relationship to the next as an escape or a delaying tactic from dealing with his actual issue (the end of his marriage or something else?).

 

The he cut you off doesn't necessarily mean he's cold hearted - maybe it's his way of moving on?

 

For your own sake, I don't think it's healthy to torture yourself with his intentions or his reasons. Your relationship has ended, he seems to have moved on. I'm sorry you are going through this.

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Is there no part of you that believes he was sincere but had a change of heart ? If you met 3 months after his divorce, maybe he wasn't quite ready to commit to a long term relationship despite his feelings for you?

 

Maybe he's jumping from one relationship to the next as an escape or a delaying tactic from dealing with his actual issue (the end of his marriage or something else?).

 

The he cut you off doesn't necessarily mean he's cold hearted - maybe it's his way of moving on?

 

For your own sake, I don't think it's healthy to torture yourself with his intentions or his reasons. Your relationship has ended, he seems to have moved on. I'm sorry you are going through this.

 

 

I thought that all at first yes. He actually never told me he was married himself I found out through Facebook on his exes page. He only ever told me ex. As for the feelings maybe I'm naive but for someone to insist on meeting your family after two weeks and telling you they want to have kids with you after a few months and saying he wants to spend his life with you to just nothing makes me question the sincerity to begin with because it was so easy for him to walk away and date someone else so fast. Then for his breakup reasonings he said he is moving and doesn't want me to move for him like he did for his ex so initially I believed it until I see him get in a relationship asap. He had a dinner with me after the fact and I asked him if that was the true reason and he said yes and was acting like he was concerned and told me to call him if I ever need him etc etc but now deleted me off everything. Initially I wanted to believe hey maybe he really isn't ready but the later actions make me question it. It's hard for me because I just don't understand. He also told me he had no interest in dating for awhile.

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Is there no part of you that believes he was sincere but had a change of heart ? If you met 3 months after his divorce, maybe he wasn't quite ready to commit to a long term relationship despite his feelings for you?

 

Maybe he's jumping from one relationship to the next as an escape or a delaying tactic from dealing with his actual issue (the end of his marriage or something else?).

 

The he cut you off doesn't necessarily mean he's cold hearted - maybe it's his way of moving on?

 

For your own sake, I don't think it's healthy to torture yourself with his intentions or his reasons. Your relationship has ended, he seems to have moved on. I'm sorry you are going through this.

 

Because gut feelings and intuition are almost always right. The OP is no exception.

 

99/100 people leave because they realise they just aren't into someone enough.

 

Yes there are cases of people who don't want to commit to anybody but they tend to exhibit consistent behavior from the get-go.

 

Saying that someone doesn't want to commit is one of the most popular breakups reasons used and reported on LS. Then we find out a few weeks later they are in a serious relationship with someone else.

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littleblackheart
I thought that all at first yes. He actually never told me he was married himself I found out through Facebook on his exes page. He only ever told me ex. As for the feelings maybe I'm naive but for someone to insist on meeting your family after two weeks and telling you they want to have kids with you after a few months and saying he wants to spend his life with you to just nothing makes me question the sincerity to begin with because it was so easy for him to walk away and date someone else so fast. Then for his breakup reasonings he said he is moving and doesn't want me to move for him like he did for his ex so initially I believed it until I see him get in a relationship asap. He had a dinner with me after the fact and I asked him if that was the true reason and he said yes and was acting like he was concerned and told me to call him if I ever need him etc etc but now deleted me off everything. Initially I wanted to believe hey maybe he really isn't ready but the later actions make me question it. It's hard for me because I just don't understand. He also told me he had no interest in dating for awhile.

 

I feel for you. In some ways you may have to make your peace with the fact you won't have a satisfying explanation for what happened. The outcome won't change no matter what, so maybe find a way to grieve the end of this relationship without replaying it over and over in your head.

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CantTakeMySmile

Because it is easier than explaining to someone that you just aren't into them anymore. Because those conversations can get messy and tiresome.

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Dang, love-bombing is harsh! I don't know what made me start looking for answers to what happened to me last year, but I sure am glad I found this forum and all the experience it has to offer clueless people (especially me). I am just going to keep saying I am so sorry you got hurt to everyone on here...isn't that the polite way to date, or is it to old-fashioned? He should have said, I am sorry I hurt you, but I can't do this anymore...is there something I can do to make this easier on you? But, don't look for a real person inside of a fake man...it is much easier for boys to do the GQ option and all this fancy, pancy relationship lingo BS. They eat it up and then shovel down other people's throats...and they just look like fools if you ask me...so, again, in context to your post, yes m'am, you certainly deserved to hear at the very least, I am sorry that I hurt you from this man-child that you put your emotions through the wringer. Don't feel wrong about that...he is wrong for not having the basic human decency to be kind to his fellow human beings.

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I thought that all at first yes. He actually never told me he was married himself I found out through Facebook on his exes page. He only ever told me ex. As for the feelings maybe I'm naive but for someone to insist on meeting your family after two weeks and telling you they want to have kids with you after a few months and saying he wants to spend his life with you to just nothing makes me question the sincerity to begin with because it was so easy for him to walk away and date someone else so fast. Then for his breakup reasonings he said he is moving and doesn't want me to move for him like he did for his ex so initially I believed it until I see him get in a relationship asap. He had a dinner with me after the fact and I asked him if that was the true reason and he said yes and was acting like he was concerned and told me to call him if I ever need him etc etc but now deleted me off everything. Initially I wanted to believe hey maybe he really isn't ready but the later actions make me question it. It's hard for me because I just don't understand. He also told me he had no interest in dating for awhile.

 

Yes, you should have been questioning his sincerity all along because telling someone you love them and want to have babies with them within the first 2 months of dating is obviously not really love it's infatuation.

 

I always tell people to guard themselves when it comes to newly seperated/divorced men(or women), because they tend to latch onto the first new person to come along while they are still dealing with the wounds of their divorce. They have a lot of healing and growing to do before they will truly be ready for another longterm relationship. However they are in a needy state and in that state they are likely to cling to a new person like a life raft and mistake their needy feelings for love. The new person also mistakenly believes all that attention and neediness as love and winds up getting hurt when the divorced man starts to feel stronger and more ready to enjoy single life.

 

I'm sorry you got taken in by this guy but he probably didn't have any malicious intentions. He could have very well believed what he said when he said it but he wasn't in a healthy frame of mind. The best thing to do is to chalk this one up to a learning experience. Be wary of giving your heart to any man who is newly seperated or divorced and be wary of guys who come on too strong and too fast.

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Yes, you should have been questioning his sincerity all along because telling someone you love them and want to have babies with them within the first 2 months of dating is obviously not really love it's infatuation.

 

I always tell people to guard themselves when it comes to newly seperated/divorced men(or women), because they tend to latch onto the first new person to come along while they are still dealing with the wounds of their divorce. They have a lot of healing and growing to do before they will truly be ready for another longterm relationship. However they are in a needy state and in that state they are likely to cling to a new person like a life raft and mistake their needy feelings for love. The new person also mistakenly believes all that attention and neediness as love and winds up getting hurt when the divorced man starts to feel stronger and more ready to enjoy single life.

 

I'm sorry you got taken in by this guy but he probably didn't have any malicious intentions. He could have very well believed what he said when he said it but he wasn't in a healthy frame of mind. The best thing to do is to chalk this one up to a learning experience. Be wary of giving your heart to any man who is newly seperated or divorced and be wary of guys who come on too strong and too fast.

 

Yes looking back I feel as if I missed some key red flags here. He was the first person I felt like hey maybe we are both wanting the same things here and I fell for all of it. Lesson learned there. I guess a lot of it is also I don't want to be the only one he did this to if that makes any sense? It hurts feeling used malicious intent or not. It just hurts to think he couldn't do it with me but now he's going to commit to this girl. It's painful to see him moving into a committed relationship just as fast as we went into one.

 

Something that struck me as odd is I've had a few friends/coworkers who told me they thought something was off about him like too charming and over the top. Idk if that really means anything but it is kind of weird to hear that from multiple people.

Edited by Ta222
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I had my ex dump me and she just said that it was all her and "it has nothing to do with you". and the " She's not meant for a relationship" .

 

Which was bull****. I later found out that she felt like i was being to clingy or needy. Which looking back i may have gotten that way, but it was just because she started pulling away hard and couldn't give me reasons why, whereas if she would of actually talked to me and told me how she really felt, i could of backed off and things may have been different.

 

but back to this. I really think she didn't want to hurt my feelings, which in the long run, it made things worse. I kept pursuing answers as to what changed, because everything was great-had future plans, ect... then she backed off hard very quickly. Well me looking into it and trying to figure out what went wrong made her pissed and angry and what went from possible reconciliation down the road ended up being she never wants to talk to me or see me again.

 

So all i can say, is if you start having issues. Then talk them out before it's too late. make sure that they know they can tell you now matter how much it hurts. and if you break up with someone, tell them the absolute truth. It may hurt, but much easier then the pain involved in not knowing WTF happened to have a sudden end in what you thought was everlasting.

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I had my ex dump me and she just said that it was all her and "it has nothing to do with you". and the " She's not meant for a relationship" .

 

Which was bull****. I later found out that she felt like i was being to clingy or needy. Which looking back i may have gotten that way, but it was just because she started pulling away hard and couldn't give me reasons why, whereas if she would of actually talked to me and told me how she really felt, i could of backed off and things may have been different.

 

but back to this. I really think she didn't want to hurt my feelings, which in the long run, it made things worse. I kept pursuing answers as to what changed, because everything was great-had future plans, ect... then she backed off hard very quickly. Well me looking into it and trying to figure out what went wrong made her pissed and angry and what went from possible reconciliation down the road ended up being she never wants to talk to me or see me again.

 

So all i can say, is if you start having issues. Then talk them out before it's too late. make sure that they know they can tell you now matter how much it hurts. and if you break up with someone, tell them the absolute truth. It may hurt, but much easier then the pain involved in not knowing WTF happened to have a sudden end in what you thought was everlasting.

 

Yes I think it makes things worse! Especially when I met up with him again and specifically asked for it! And it's hurtful when they still don't give it to you and try to console you and act like they care enough about you. If it was that easy to walk away and not even attempt to work on things I think it says a lot. If she was honest then exactly you wouldn't have been as she said clingy.

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. As for the feelings maybe I'm naive but for someone to insist on meeting your family after two weeks and telling you they want to have kids with you after a few months and saying he wants to spend his life with you to just nothing makes me question the sincerity to begin with

 

Yes, you absolutely should have questioned his sincerity to begin with. The man was pushing this relationship at warp-speed without even really knowing you as a person. That is almost always a red flag.

 

It stings, but keep an eye out for that type of behaviour in the future, and run like the wind if you see it.

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Yes, you absolutely should have questioned his sincerity to begin with. The man was pushing this relationship at warp-speed without even really knowing you as a person. That is almost always a red flag.

 

It stings, but keep an eye out for that type of behaviour in the future, and run like the wind if you see it.

 

Lesson definitely learned! I just don't understand why someone would do that?! It also really hurts how he was with someone else in a matter of weeks. I still had stuff at his place and he was already with her! :(

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CautiouslyOptimistic
Lesson definitely learned! I just don't understand why someone would do that?! It also really hurts how he was with someone else in a matter of weeks. I still had stuff at his place and he was already with her! :(

 

There's at least one post a week asking "why" and "how could they move on so quickly?" There aren't any satisfactory answers :(. Rejection hurts, plain and simple :(.

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Because it is easier than explaining to someone that you just aren't into them anymore. Because those conversations can get messy and tiresome.

 

The dumper has already been over the emotional turmoil of deciding to end the relationship (you just didn't know it), so they do not want to go down that road again. The dumper has already been contemplating leaving, been up at night worried, tried to negotiate staying in the relationship, and agonized over how to break up in the best way possible. By the time they actually break up with you, they feel relief that they can finally move on from those emotions.

 

And yes, it's difficult to tell someone that you aren't into them anymore. Especially if the person you have to tell that to is a good person, and they haven't done anything awful. Would you want to tell someone that you aren't into them anymore, aren't attracted to them anymore, ect.? If you are a halfway decent person, no one wants to tell someone that and break their heart. It's hard to watch someone you care about hurt.

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Saying that someone doesn't want to commit is one of the most popular breakups reasons used and reported on LS. Then we find out a few weeks later they are in a serious relationship with someone else.

 

Time and time again we see the myth of the commitment phobe. This is a total lie and needs to die. There are two reasons the myth persists:

 

1. As an excuse for the dumper to get out of a relationship

 

2. As a way for the dumpee to lie to themselves because rejection is painful

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