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Saddest story ever told she dumped me again and I am in pain –


Lostsoulseeking

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Lostsoulseeking

Please be sympathetic I know I was mostly in the wrong but I am a complete mess and came here for some help. I screwed up. I know.

 

I have been obsessing, sad, mad, anxious, feeling guilty and have not been able to sleep. I am sorry if this is long.

 

I don’t like using the term FWB in my case because it was more than that, we were somewhere between FWB and a traditional relationship. We were not in it only for the sex.

 

March 2016, I was separated from an 18 year marriage and the Divorce was planned and I am fully divorced now.

I have 2 young kids split custody 50/50. I was dating for the first time in my life really because I did not date much before marriage. I joined a dating site and did not have much luck, I did not pursue women on the dating site much as I am still getting over the divorce. I made a pact with myself that I would take at least 2 years and be single before I look to settle if at all. A woman on the dating site (my ex FWB) messaged me and asked when I was free. I setup a dinner date and met her. We had dinner, then drinks at a small bar, danced and ended up getting really hot and heavy but did not have intercourse that night.

 

She is also recently divorced, he husband left her for another. We started dating, I set the record straight from the beginning that I was not looking for anything serious. I did not want to introduce a new person to my kids unless I planned to be with that person long term. She has a kid to so I did not want to be at her place when her kid was home for the same reason. So we planned around when the kids would be at either house. I treated her well and I was respectful, she was very into me, I was but not as much as her. Fast forward a six months after dating, she reveals she is in love with me and I basically told her not to be, she wanted me to be her boyfriend it hurt me so much to tell her I was not ready for that. I considered her girlfriend material at that point but I was not ready.

 

Not too long after that, she decided to she wanted to take a break #1. I agreed and was actually happy I could move on as well. She went out with a few people but was not intimate with them, then contacted me and we started up again. At this point I was feeling crappy that I hurt her but I liked her a lot and I was lonely as well. But now my plan was to just kind of stick around until she could ween off of me. I purposely said things that are unattractive to women, like I complained about work and kids instead of keeping it light and positive. I was helping her along with the weening off of this not so great guy, but she was not aware.

 

Fast forward September 2017. She decided she wanted to take break #2, I was a lot less okay with it this time, I resisted but stood my ground because I wanted to follow my plan of being single for 2 years. I was hurting but I let her go without any drama. I was hurting for a while after that but I played it cool and easy even though I was crushed. I met another lady one evening and we hit it off and we went on a few evening dates, we did not have intercourse ever but did most everything else. While that was going on my (ex FWB) came to me after being ghosted by the person she claims says he wanted a relationship. So I dated both for maybe 2 weeks, again never having intercourse with the other lady. So by end of October the other lady and I ghosted each-other I had no feelings for her so it had no impact. So now I am back with (ex FWB) but she knows I am on dating sites. I did not pursue or go on dates, it was more of me trying to stick to my plan to be single, and also, I felt I had a commitment to her to be monogamous even though it was not agreed by me. In my mind especially over the holiday’s I started thinking that I should consider doing the boyfriend/girlfriend thing but I was torn. She left a hint once on our way out to dinner walking to the car in passing and said what will I do if she ever gets a boyfriend? I replied, I didn’t want to discuss that right now, let’s go have a good time. Bad decision on my part.

 

 

 

Fast Forward Jan 2018, new year’s we met and were intimate, I was sick the next weekend, texted her 5:30PM on Sunday and did not get a return text til Monday 10am. Tuesday she invited me to cuddle but I was still sick. Weds she called me crying with a crisis between her ex-husband and his new girlfriend where her kid hated her and he would maybe be living with her full time. What passed thru my mind was, she will be concerned that I did not want to be there while her kid was home. The next weekend mid Jan 2018 we met for dinner and we were intimate but not intercourse.

The next Sunday, on FB I noticed she when on a hike and she wasn’t taking the pictures, I thought nothing of it. The following Tuesday I texted her to get an update on the kid drama, she asked me to call, gave me details on the kid drama then at the end of the call, she says “let’s take a step back”, I was shocked but did not over-react, I said okay as long as it’s not the same person as last time (he was a jerk), she said nope, it’s just me and the pets. So we never really had the “talk”. I would have compromised if we did, I liked and respected her enough (this part is killing me today).

 

We were FB friends so everything she posts comes on my page. I let some days pass and I realized that I really missed her dearly, I could see on her facebook that she went to some party, but she appeared to be solo except for one picture, I thought to myself, well this is what I wanted right? To be single. After 7 days I missed her so much I started putting the puzzle together. The weekend I was sick was the same weekend she liked this new guys FB picture and may have been out with him the night she did not return my call, the hike in the woods was taken by the new guy, I could tell because his FB pics were in woods on same day. The party was hosted by him, he shared the Facebook pics on her page. The pic in the woods hurts the most because we were there together after a night of intimacy.

 

So I put it all together and she was out with this guy and lining him up as my replacement before she asked to take a step back. I am assuming she was intimate with him prior to asking me to take a step back. She lied to me when she said it was just her and the pets. Six days after asking to take a step back she posted a loveable FB post that was directed at him, I thought it may have been me but I now know it was not.

 

So now I am panicked. Why would she do this to me? We always, ALWAYS protected each other’s hearts. How can she publicly show that she is ripping and replacing me via Facebook and not care?

 

 

I called her on a late on Friday 10 days after she asked to step back and after I put the puzzle together. She is always up at night but did not return my call until 10:30am next day. I could not sleep that night I was sad, depressed, and anxious.

 

When she called I was sleep deprived. I explained what I saw on Facebook and the timelines show that I was being replaced before she informed me of taking a step back. I explained that when she said it was only her and the pet’s that she was just taking time to get her head straight and we could eventually have the adult discussion.

 

She says she re-connected with an old friend and they were not more than friends until a week ago. I am assuming this is full intimacy but I did not dare to ask. I asked her why did she lie to me about the pets, and why could we not have an adult discussion before you decided to replace me. I said to her that if had the courtesy of and adult conversation, I would have been willing to compromise I would have also told her that if she was going to be intimate with another, I was not going to be there again as the fall back second option guy. I told her that I am not Poly. She said that I was always her first option, she reminded me that she was in love with me at one point and I did not reciprocate. She reminded me about the hint in passing about a boyfriend and I had plenty of opportunities to make her my girlfriend but did not (this is true). She said I was only trying to control her and I am reacting because I don’t have control over this. I told her I missed her deeply had strong feelings for her and this is impacting me in a big way and it is unlike her to line up my replacement for all to see on Facebook before we could talk. I don’t know who this person is anymore. I am hurting. I asked her if I needed to go to the doctor to get tested for any STD, she replied “oh God No”.

 

 

She was not aware that I could figure it out the timeline on Facebook and did express concern over my stress level which if through the roof due to this and my rough week. I told her for my health, that I unfriended her on facebook and that I did not want her to contact me again, especially while my replacement was in progress, I do not want to be friends to not call me again and to throw my stuff away. She did not resist and said she would send it in mail. She was not sad, I know how it is when something is new, she will not have sympathy for me. She says that she hoped one day in the future we could be friends but did not once resist, this is expected of course. I feel like I could sit with her and possibly get her to be my girlfriend someday but I don’t want it now. Lining up the next guy before we discussed a break and being intimate with no less than one week after a so called taking a step back. I feel if I would have insisted on an Adult conversation, we would be together to at least try and see how it goes and I feel so guilty about that, my soul is burning wondering why it turned out this way.

 

She had no idea that I had grown feelings for her, to tell you the truth, neither did I. I had not expected to have this type of reaction. My mind is dizzy picturing her with another. I keep telling myself that it is okay, this was your plan, you did not want her as a girlfriend and was never in love with her. I don’t know now. Is this reaction to rejection considered love? I miss everything about her but I don’t want her back now. I lost trust. I lost my lover and my best friend overnight and I am hurting. I know it is my fault, rejecting her, keeping her but not committing to her, staying on online dating sites, keeping instability in her mind. I am 100% that this new guy won’t work out, it is a gut feeling and she will contact me at some point down the road. If she was in love with me before, and now I am completely out of her life after almost two years of being together, what will her mindset be? Will she finally move on? Will she have any regrets knowing that I had feelings for her? I care about her deeply but she is not girlfriend material now after what she did. I just want to be prepared when that moment comes, I have no idea how I will react.

 

How long will this pain last? I feel inadequate and comparing myself to the replacement. The pain is intense. Do I love her or am I reacting jealousy and to what I perceive as betrayal, rejection please help me find a way out of this dark place.

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So my story is basically very similar to yours. I was in a 17 yr relationship/marriage and entering the dating scene for the first time in ages. I met a girl online and we did love each other. But in my mind I didn't want to settle down as fast as she did. I pretty much had the attitude that if it works then great, but if it doesn't then I'll be fine too. She sensed my hesitations and eventually broke up with me. After that I couldn't image loving anyone more than I ever loved her. To this day I still can't get over her, I think because I always thought she'd be there. Your feelings are amplified because she rejected you. I can't say how long the pain will last, it's been 11 months and I'm still obsessing about my ex-girlfriend. But part of this was because she came back after 8 months only to reject me all over again. I think your thoughts about wanting to staying single for 2 years after a long relationship are justified, I basically felt the same way after my LTR. I think it's good to have time to breath and figure out your purpose after being with someone so long. It just sucks to lose someone that you didn't realize you loved so much, I definitely feel your pain.

Edited by jm5423
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Lostsoulseeking

Thanks Jim for the reply.

 

I don't know if I am in love - see that is the question now in my mind.

 

I never was in love with her before she left. If I was, why did I not make her my girlfriend even though I could have at any time?

 

Am I reacting out of loneliness, jealousy or is it because I am sad about losing my best friend?

 

Why am I so heavily impacted. Do I have deep rooted abandonment issues?

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Lostsoulseeking

Can someone give advice please? How long should I give myself to grieve?

 

I knew 100% that when I called her and said what I said that it would be interpreted as needy. After she verified my findings I did not care if my behavior viewed that way because I knew I wanted to never see or here from her again.

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Am I reacting out of loneliness, jealousy or is it because I am sad about losing my best friend?

 

 

I would say yes to everything in the above quote. If you loved her before you would have known it, however when someone leaves us that often creates a void that we struggle to fill. We want things to go back to the way they were. Likely if you did get together with her, your original feelings would return after things settled down and you would be in the same place as before. Remember rejection breeds obsession. Sounds like that's what your going through.

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Lostsoulseeking

I think you’re right on the mark.

 

I miss the companionship that I took for granted, it is a massive void.

I’m sad because I know now after what she did, I will never make her my girlfriend. Before this she was loyal to her ex for 17 years. That is one aspect that kept me interested, the loyalty and her compassion for not hurting others. I think her head is in a tailspin and not in a good place and headed for a big crash. I will not be there this time to break the fall, I implied that in our final conversation when I refused to be a second option.

 

I did not know how insecure she was until now. It’s partially my fault that she is In this insecure place and it makes me sad.

Edited by Lostsoulseeking
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Lostsoulseeking

I could really use some support.

 

I have an instinct to contact her and let her know how I feel

But I know that would push her away.

 

There is a tiny chance that she was not intimate with the other yet but that is highly doubtful. I think that was her plan based on that time of month cycle.

 

I said what I said knowing it would push her away, but I had to say it.

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Okay you made a decision to tell this woman no and move on now you want to go back on that ?

 

It doesn’t work that way you are saying tht you now see her as insecure but you are almost doing the same.

 

Be a man and stick to your decision! Unfortunately the situation is the way it is but all you can do is control and compose yourself

 

Stay positive and learn from this you are going through the motions so don’t call her

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Lostsoulseeking

I’ll be honest. If she has not slept with that other person I would consider going with her. I’m very sure she has but not 100%. The intention is there but I thought if I expressed my feelings before it happened there might be a chance.

As time goes by there is no chance. This is why I suggested the call.

But I think she got the message when we spoke and it was already too late.

 

I need to recap my last two years learn lessons from them then bury it.

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I have an instinct to contact her and let her know how I feel

But I know that would push her away.

 

Let her go. The only reason you feel this way is because you've lost the familiarity and comfort you had with her. And you're stinging from the rejection. You were in control for awhile in that she was chasing you and now that she isn't, your ego can't handle it.

 

Keep to your plan and heal from your divorce. I'm sorry you're hurting but try to look at this as another reason why you need to give yourself more time so that when the right person comes along, you'll be emotionally healthy and available to reciprocate.

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Lostsoulseeking

Thank you so much. You have helped me in the past under a retired user name

And I was hoping you would comment. I respect your advice a great deal.

 

This I think is exactly what I need to hear.

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Lostsoulseeking

I really have no baggage from the divorce.

It was just a pact I made with myself. Had I met this person today, I may have made her my girlfriend.

 

I am very picky when it comes to intimacy, I notice little behavioral things in bed. For example intamacy was not the same after break #2. It was not as good at all.

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Lostsoulseeking

The pics on the day before she asked me to take a step back were in the morning and it seems they must have been together the night before because the clothes do not look fresh and she is not a morning person.

 

I’m fuming. Sorry.

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CantTakeMySmile
The pics on the day before she asked me to take a step back were in the morning and it seems they must have been together the night before because the clothes do not look fresh and she is not a morning person.

 

I’m fuming. Sorry.

 

 

Why not communicate and find out?

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Hi LostSoulSearching,

I am sorry for what you are going through. I know that it is painful. But wallowing in this grief might not help you in the end. The only thing I can give you is to encourage you to take care of yourself first. If she has really moved on and you are stuck thinking about her, it is not going to help you. If I were you I would try my best to enjoy life, meet new people and be physically, spiritually and emotionally healthy. Have you ever considered seeking some professional counseling even from a local pastor? If someone new comes along and you are a great and fun person to be around with, maybe you'll end up in a healthier relationship.

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Lostsoulseeking
Why not communicate and find out?

 

What’s the point.

If I do communicate again, I will appear needy and pathetic.

She has a bad memory. My last conversation with her called out the

Possibility that she was with him before the break. She claimed they became

More than friends a week ago which was after the break.

 

More than friends means what? For her I think it means more than just a kiss.

I think it means they have been intimate.

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You were in a rebound relationship.

 

Block everything and go your own way.

 

You'll be fine long term if you hold NC

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Lostsoulseeking

Everything reminds me of her, I feel better remembering these thoughts in a good light instead of being angry.

 

Is it not healthy to think about her at least for a few days?

Is it smarter not to think about her and try to block those thoughts?

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Lostsoulseeking

After things settle down with this new person. Whether it’s a good or bad relationship, what does she think of me?

 

 

She was deeply in love with me a year ago and I told her not to be.

She now knows that I actually did develop strong feelings over time which I revealed on Friday during our call.

 

I wonder? I know if things are going well with the new person, I’d be the last thing on her mind. I think either he or she will dump, I just know it. If it’s him it’s because it was a player move, if it’s her, it’d be something disgusting that he does.

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Cullenbohannon

You don't think you would take her back? She is not girlfriend materiel? Am i missing something? Why would she take YOU back. You clearly are not bf materiel. You offered her nothing and so she is returning the favor. You jerked her around, cheated on her and have the nerve to superior yourself if she touched another guy. WTF. YOU CHEATED ON HER. (But not full intimacy...ok)

 

Honestly, the best thing is for you to continue to be a pompous ass. She will find her forever, wether it be this guy or the next. You dont love her and never did, so what do you need support for?

 

Do you even read what you write? You don't paint a good picture of yourself.

 

The mirror is your truth. She did nothing wrong. You treated her badly and another man stepped up to the plate and she left you. You deserve what you have...nothing.

Edited by Cullenbohannon
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Lostsoulseeking

Dear ex,

I hope you find happiness. I do love you. I appoligize that I did not say I love you ever, it was immature of me. I love you.

 

You are a wonderful, beautiful woman who deserved much more than I gave. Timing was not right for me in the beginning fresh off my divorce to take on a full time girlfriend. To me, being in a committed relationship means completely giving yourself, your attention and love and I was not ready for that. Remember, I made a pact to be single for at least two years? Well we stretched our on an and off relationship to almost what will be 2 years next month 3-12-2018.

 

I feel I have missed an opportunity to have been with an amazing woman. Giving my entire self to you as you very well have deserved. I was fantasizing about this over the holidays but did not tell you. My fantasy was that I would sort of "pop the question" not to be married but to profess my feelings for you, it was to be very dramatic and wonderful. I'm sorry. This is my loss and it is an immeasurable loss. Being there when you need a soulmate to steer you, confide in or comfort you in times of trouble, to hold you when you are sad, to love you.

 

I messed up big time.

 

They say you dont know what you have until its gone and that rings so true for me. Losing a Lover and a best friend in one shot is devastating.

 

I purposley sabatoged the relationship with behaviour that I knew was unattractive to women. I acted cold at times, brought up negative things all the time, did not treat you special, I did not take you on

special dates, all on purpose so you could ween off of me, I wanted to protect your heart so you could move on gracefully. But now I realize that instead of protecting you, I weakend your spirit and

impacted your self-estem. Now I feel like I was a coward. I am sorry. I cannot forgive myself for this.

 

I took you for granted. I'm sorry.

 

Somehow along he way I developed deep feelings for you. I miss the compainionship. I miss your precense. I miss your laugh.

I miss your strength and vulnerability. I miss your nerdiness and bluntness. I miss your bad memory. I miss giving you a tender healing kiss.

I miss your quirkiness. I miss your sense of humor. I miss your quotes. I miss my best friend.

 

This is a letter you will never see but just so you know. You were right, I did discover how wonderful you were and I blew my chance to to be with an amazing beautiful woman.

 

I will love you always,

Me

Edited by Lostsoulseeking
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Lostsoulseeking
You don't think you would take her back? She is not girlfriend materiel? Am i missing something? Why would she take YOU back. You clearly are not bf materiel. You offered her nothing and so she is returning the favor. You jerked her around, cheated on her and have the nerve to superior yourself if she touched another guy. WTF. YOU CHEATED ON HER. (But not full intimacy...ok)

 

Honestly, the best thing is for you to continue to be a pompous ass. She will find her forever, wether it be this guy or the next. You dont love her and never did, so what do you need support for?

 

Do you even read what you write? You don't paint a good picture of yourself.

 

The mirror is your truth. She did nothing wrong. You treated her badly and another man stepped up to the plate and she left you. You deserve what you have...nothing.

 

This happened during break#2. She went off with another person, she said she was pursuing a relationship with him. He was not even fully divorced but they had full intimacy during a few week period. During this time of the break is when I met the other person. The ex came back in the middle of me dating the other person. I broke it off with the other person soon after that.

 

See, we never had any agreements to commitment. It was all about trust in each other that we wold keep each other informed of what was next, it was a mutual respectful silent agreement to protect each others hearts.

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Lostsoulseeking

There has only been one phone call and she was driving to work.

I texted her Friday night 10:30pm asking her to call me when she has a few minutes to chat. She is always up at that time.

She did not call me until the next day 10:15am.

 

It was goodbye by phone which also sucks. I closed the door not her.

I told her that I did not wish to witness my replacement in progress on Facebook and that I unfriended her for my own health. I told not to contact me again and to respect that. This was 5 days ago. I miss her presence.

 

At some point down the road she will remember that I had strong feelings for

her and she will remember falling in love with me and will reach out.

 

I won’t be waiting around for that.

 

I have too many things I must address within myself, with my kids, with my dreams and purpose.

 

The anger is dying down as I speak to friends. She was confused and I was a big part of making her confused.

 

I’m concerned for her health. The new guy is a local musician and

he will probably hurt her. I’m concerned since he may have been with many groupies that he may be carrying something.

 

I won’t be there for her when all that goes down.

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Lostsoulseeking

I am in and out of flight response due to my situation.

 

I have had other stressors going on simultaneously over the last 3 weeks, all which acumulated and presented themselves around the same time.

 

The universe is testing my strength. I won’t lie down, I will rise from the ashes.

This is a wake up call.

 

I will refocus daily, and take steps toward my dreams.

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