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Saddest story ever told she dumped me again and I am in pain Ė


Breaks and Breaking Up It happens to most everyone at some point in life! Share your experiences!

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Old 5th February 2018, 11:29 PM   #1
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Saddest story ever told she dumped me again and I am in pain Ė

Please be sympathetic I know I was mostly in the wrong but I am a complete mess and came here for some help. I screwed up. I know.

I have been obsessing, sad, mad, anxious, feeling guilty and have not been able to sleep. I am sorry if this is long.

I donít like using the term FWB in my case because it was more than that, we were somewhere between FWB and a traditional relationship. We were not in it only for the sex.

March 2016, I was separated from an 18 year marriage and the Divorce was planned and I am fully divorced now.
I have 2 young kids split custody 50/50. I was dating for the first time in my life really because I did not date much before marriage. I joined a dating site and did not have much luck, I did not pursue women on the dating site much as I am still getting over the divorce. I made a pact with myself that I would take at least 2 years and be single before I look to settle if at all. A woman on the dating site (my ex FWB) messaged me and asked when I was free. I setup a dinner date and met her. We had dinner, then drinks at a small bar, danced and ended up getting really hot and heavy but did not have intercourse that night.

She is also recently divorced, he husband left her for another. We started dating, I set the record straight from the beginning that I was not looking for anything serious. I did not want to introduce a new person to my kids unless I planned to be with that person long term. She has a kid to so I did not want to be at her place when her kid was home for the same reason. So we planned around when the kids would be at either house. I treated her well and I was respectful, she was very into me, I was but not as much as her. Fast forward a six months after dating, she reveals she is in love with me and I basically told her not to be, she wanted me to be her boyfriend it hurt me so much to tell her I was not ready for that. I considered her girlfriend material at that point but I was not ready.

Not too long after that, she decided to she wanted to take a break #1. I agreed and was actually happy I could move on as well. She went out with a few people but was not intimate with them, then contacted me and we started up again. At this point I was feeling crappy that I hurt her but I liked her a lot and I was lonely as well. But now my plan was to just kind of stick around until she could ween off of me. I purposely said things that are unattractive to women, like I complained about work and kids instead of keeping it light and positive. I was helping her along with the weening off of this not so great guy, but she was not aware.

Fast forward September 2017. She decided she wanted to take break #2, I was a lot less okay with it this time, I resisted but stood my ground because I wanted to follow my plan of being single for 2 years. I was hurting but I let her go without any drama. I was hurting for a while after that but I played it cool and easy even though I was crushed. I met another lady one evening and we hit it off and we went on a few evening dates, we did not have intercourse ever but did most everything else. While that was going on my (ex FWB) came to me after being ghosted by the person she claims says he wanted a relationship. So I dated both for maybe 2 weeks, again never having intercourse with the other lady. So by end of October the other lady and I ghosted each-other I had no feelings for her so it had no impact. So now I am back with (ex FWB) but she knows I am on dating sites. I did not pursue or go on dates, it was more of me trying to stick to my plan to be single, and also, I felt I had a commitment to her to be monogamous even though it was not agreed by me. In my mind especially over the holidayís I started thinking that I should consider doing the boyfriend/girlfriend thing but I was torn. She left a hint once on our way out to dinner walking to the car in passing and said what will I do if she ever gets a boyfriend? I replied, I didnít want to discuss that right now, letís go have a good time. Bad decision on my part.



Fast Forward Jan 2018, new yearís we met and were intimate, I was sick the next weekend, texted her 5:30PM on Sunday and did not get a return text til Monday 10am. Tuesday she invited me to cuddle but I was still sick. Weds she called me crying with a crisis between her ex-husband and his new girlfriend where her kid hated her and he would maybe be living with her full time. What passed thru my mind was, she will be concerned that I did not want to be there while her kid was home. The next weekend mid Jan 2018 we met for dinner and we were intimate but not intercourse.
The next Sunday, on FB I noticed she when on a hike and she wasnít taking the pictures, I thought nothing of it. The following Tuesday I texted her to get an update on the kid drama, she asked me to call, gave me details on the kid drama then at the end of the call, she says ďletís take a step backĒ, I was shocked but did not over-react, I said okay as long as itís not the same person as last time (he was a jerk), she said nope, itís just me and the pets. So we never really had the ďtalkĒ. I would have compromised if we did, I liked and respected her enough (this part is killing me today).

We were FB friends so everything she posts comes on my page. I let some days pass and I realized that I really missed her dearly, I could see on her facebook that she went to some party, but she appeared to be solo except for one picture, I thought to myself, well this is what I wanted right? To be single. After 7 days I missed her so much I started putting the puzzle together. The weekend I was sick was the same weekend she liked this new guys FB picture and may have been out with him the night she did not return my call, the hike in the woods was taken by the new guy, I could tell because his FB pics were in woods on same day. The party was hosted by him, he shared the Facebook pics on her page. The pic in the woods hurts the most because we were there together after a night of intimacy.

So I put it all together and she was out with this guy and lining him up as my replacement before she asked to take a step back. I am assuming she was intimate with him prior to asking me to take a step back. She lied to me when she said it was just her and the pets. Six days after asking to take a step back she posted a loveable FB post that was directed at him, I thought it may have been me but I now know it was not.

So now I am panicked. Why would she do this to me? We always, ALWAYS protected each otherís hearts. How can she publicly show that she is ripping and replacing me via Facebook and not care?


I called her on a late on Friday 10 days after she asked to step back and after I put the puzzle together. She is always up at night but did not return my call until 10:30am next day. I could not sleep that night I was sad, depressed, and anxious.

When she called I was sleep deprived. I explained what I saw on Facebook and the timelines show that I was being replaced before she informed me of taking a step back. I explained that when she said it was only her and the petís that she was just taking time to get her head straight and we could eventually have the adult discussion.

She says she re-connected with an old friend and they were not more than friends until a week ago. I am assuming this is full intimacy but I did not dare to ask. I asked her why did she lie to me about the pets, and why could we not have an adult discussion before you decided to replace me. I said to her that if had the courtesy of and adult conversation, I would have been willing to compromise I would have also told her that if she was going to be intimate with another, I was not going to be there again as the fall back second option guy. I told her that I am not Poly. She said that I was always her first option, she reminded me that she was in love with me at one point and I did not reciprocate. She reminded me about the hint in passing about a boyfriend and I had plenty of opportunities to make her my girlfriend but did not (this is true). She said I was only trying to control her and I am reacting because I donít have control over this. I told her I missed her deeply had strong feelings for her and this is impacting me in a big way and it is unlike her to line up my replacement for all to see on Facebook before we could talk. I donít know who this person is anymore. I am hurting. I asked her if I needed to go to the doctor to get tested for any STD, she replied ďoh God NoĒ.


She was not aware that I could figure it out the timeline on Facebook and did express concern over my stress level which if through the roof due to this and my rough week. I told her for my health, that I unfriended her on facebook and that I did not want her to contact me again, especially while my replacement was in progress, I do not want to be friends to not call me again and to throw my stuff away. She did not resist and said she would send it in mail. She was not sad, I know how it is when something is new, she will not have sympathy for me. She says that she hoped one day in the future we could be friends but did not once resist, this is expected of course. I feel like I could sit with her and possibly get her to be my girlfriend someday but I donít want it now. Lining up the next guy before we discussed a break and being intimate with no less than one week after a so called taking a step back. I feel if I would have insisted on an Adult conversation, we would be together to at least try and see how it goes and I feel so guilty about that, my soul is burning wondering why it turned out this way.

She had no idea that I had grown feelings for her, to tell you the truth, neither did I. I had not expected to have this type of reaction. My mind is dizzy picturing her with another. I keep telling myself that it is okay, this was your plan, you did not want her as a girlfriend and was never in love with her. I donít know now. Is this reaction to rejection considered love? I miss everything about her but I donít want her back now. I lost trust. I lost my lover and my best friend overnight and I am hurting. I know it is my fault, rejecting her, keeping her but not committing to her, staying on online dating sites, keeping instability in her mind. I am 100% that this new guy wonít work out, it is a gut feeling and she will contact me at some point down the road. If she was in love with me before, and now I am completely out of her life after almost two years of being together, what will her mindset be? Will she finally move on? Will she have any regrets knowing that I had feelings for her? I care about her deeply but she is not girlfriend material now after what she did. I just want to be prepared when that moment comes, I have no idea how I will react.

How long will this pain last? I feel inadequate and comparing myself to the replacement. The pain is intense. Do I love her or am I reacting jealousy and to what I perceive as betrayal, rejection please help me find a way out of this dark place.
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Old 6th February 2018, 12:51 AM   #2
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So my story is basically very similar to yours. I was in a 17 yr relationship/marriage and entering the dating scene for the first time in ages. I met a girl online and we did love each other. But in my mind I didn't want to settle down as fast as she did. I pretty much had the attitude that if it works then great, but if it doesn't then I'll be fine too. She sensed my hesitations and eventually broke up with me. After that I couldn't image loving anyone more than I ever loved her. To this day I still can't get over her, I think because I always thought she'd be there. Your feelings are amplified because she rejected you. I can't say how long the pain will last, it's been 11 months and I'm still obsessing about my ex-girlfriend. But part of this was because she came back after 8 months only to reject me all over again. I think your thoughts about wanting to staying single for 2 years after a long relationship are justified, I basically felt the same way after my LTR. I think it's good to have time to breath and figure out your purpose after being with someone so long. It just sucks to lose someone that you didn't realize you loved so much, I definitely feel your pain.

Last edited by jm5423; 6th February 2018 at 1:05 AM..
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Old 6th February 2018, 2:15 AM   #3
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Help please if you can

Thanks Jim for the reply.

I don't know if I am in love - see that is the question now in my mind.

I never was in love with her before she left. If I was, why did I not make her my girlfriend even though I could have at any time?

Am I reacting out of loneliness, jealousy or is it because I am sad about losing my best friend?

Why am I so heavily impacted. Do I have deep rooted abandonment issues?
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Old 6th February 2018, 2:56 AM   #4
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Is there anyone out there in the community who can help

Can someone give advice please? How long should I give myself to grieve?

I knew 100% that when I called her and said what I said that it would be interpreted as needy. After she verified my findings I did not care if my behavior viewed that way because I knew I wanted to never see or here from her again.
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Old 6th February 2018, 9:37 AM   #5
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lostsoulseeking View Post

Am I reacting out of loneliness, jealousy or is it because I am sad about losing my best friend?
I would say yes to everything in the above quote. If you loved her before you would have known it, however when someone leaves us that often creates a void that we struggle to fill. We want things to go back to the way they were. Likely if you did get together with her, your original feelings would return after things settled down and you would be in the same place as before. Remember rejection breeds obsession. Sounds like that's what your going through.
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Old 6th February 2018, 12:47 PM   #6
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Thans JM

I think youíre right on the mark.

I miss the companionship that I took for granted, it is a massive void.
Iím sad because I know now after what she did, I will never make her my girlfriend. Before this she was loyal to her ex for 17 years. That is one aspect that kept me interested, the loyalty and her compassion for not hurting others. I think her head is in a tailspin and not in a good place and headed for a big crash. I will not be there this time to break the fall, I implied that in our final conversation when I refused to be a second option.

I did not know how insecure she was until now. Itís partially my fault that she is In this insecure place and it makes me sad.

Last edited by Lostsoulseeking; 6th February 2018 at 12:56 PM.. Reason: Update
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Old 6th February 2018, 2:49 PM   #7
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Can others please chime in?

I could really use some support.

I have an instinct to contact her and let her know how I feel
But I know that would push her away.

There is a tiny chance that she was not intimate with the other yet but that is highly doubtful. I think that was her plan based on that time of month cycle.

I said what I said knowing it would push her away, but I had to say it.
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Old 6th February 2018, 3:20 PM   #8
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Okay you made a decision to tell this woman no and move on now you want to go back on that ?

It doesnít work that way you are saying tht you now see her as insecure but you are almost doing the same.

Be a man and stick to your decision! Unfortunately the situation is the way it is but all you can do is control and compose yourself

Stay positive and learn from this you are going through the motions so donít call her
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Old 6th February 2018, 4:30 PM   #9
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Thank you for your reply

Iíll be honest. If she has not slept with that other person I would consider going with her. Iím very sure she has but not 100%. The intention is there but I thought if I expressed my feelings before it happened there might be a chance.
As time goes by there is no chance. This is why I suggested the call.
But I think she got the message when we spoke and it was already too late.

I need to recap my last two years learn lessons from them then bury it.
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Old 6th February 2018, 4:40 PM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lostsoulseeking View Post
I have an instinct to contact her and let her know how I feel
But I know that would push her away.
Let her go. The only reason you feel this way is because you've lost the familiarity and comfort you had with her. And you're stinging from the rejection. You were in control for awhile in that she was chasing you and now that she isn't, your ego can't handle it.

Keep to your plan and heal from your divorce. I'm sorry you're hurting but try to look at this as another reason why you need to give yourself more time so that when the right person comes along, you'll be emotionally healthy and available to reciprocate.
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Old 6th February 2018, 6:33 PM   #11
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Thank you Zahara

Thank you so much. You have helped me in the past under a retired user name
And I was hoping you would comment. I respect your advice a great deal.

This I think is exactly what I need to hear.
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Old 6th February 2018, 6:49 PM   #12
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To clarify

I really have no baggage from the divorce.
It was just a pact I made with myself. Had I met this person today, I may have made her my girlfriend.

I am very picky when it comes to intimacy, I notice little behavioral things in bed. For example intamacy was not the same after break #2. It was not as good at all.
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Old 6th February 2018, 7:05 PM   #13
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It feels like she cheated

The pics on the day before she asked me to take a step back were in the morning and it seems they must have been together the night before because the clothes do not look fresh and she is not a morning person.

Iím fuming. Sorry.
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Old 6th February 2018, 8:17 PM   #14
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lostsoulseeking View Post
The pics on the day before she asked me to take a step back were in the morning and it seems they must have been together the night before because the clothes do not look fresh and she is not a morning person.

Iím fuming. Sorry.

Why not communicate and find out?
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Old 6th February 2018, 8:37 PM   #15
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Hi LostSoulSearching,
I am sorry for what you are going through. I know that it is painful. But wallowing in this grief might not help you in the end. The only thing I can give you is to encourage you to take care of yourself first. If she has really moved on and you are stuck thinking about her, it is not going to help you. If I were you I would try my best to enjoy life, meet new people and be physically, spiritually and emotionally healthy. Have you ever considered seeking some professional counseling even from a local pastor? If someone new comes along and you are a great and fun person to be around with, maybe you'll end up in a healthier relationship.
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