LoveShack.org Community Forums

Reload this Page LoveShack.org Community Forums > Breaking Up, Reconciliation & Coping > Breaks and Breaking Up

I was dumped.


Breaks and Breaking Up It happens to most everyone at some point in life! Share your experiences!

Like Tree29Likes
 
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 3rd February 2018, 5:21 PM   #1
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 89
I was dumped.

This post will need some background explanation so you may need to read my other posts (honestly youíd get a kick out of it anyway)

But my boyfriend ended it with me cause I told him I loved him, and he said he wasnít there at my level because when our sex got rough he had to numb his feelings for me. He later said maybe I do love you but not enough.

I blamed it on our communication and especially his, he said but I thought we had good communication, then a week later he said our lacking communication is a sign that we are incompatible. How so many things in the relationship felt right, but something was off. That was few weeks ago and heís already hooked up with a girl at a party, and I asked him if he wanted her and he said yes I think I do. But he didnít know if he wanted me after dating for months!? Heís already asked her if she wants more than just sex and if she wants a relationship and kids one day.

I feel rejected, hurt, betrayed, and I have no idea how to feel okay again. They say time and distance, but I canít wait, I donít want the next few months to feel like hell for me. I already hate myself so much for not leaving him earlier and telling him I loved him and even trying to fix the breakup. I put all of myself out there and I got clobbered, so many times.

I feel so rejected and so humiliated. Few days ago he even called me and kept talking all about the rough sex we had (that he said he didnít enjoy) and kept masturbating on the phone and sent me a picture of his penis, and asked me for a fun picture too. All this while still saying he wants that other girl.

He even talked about the sex heís having with her, and how itís rough but heís not repeating his mistake with me, cause heís more gentle with her and taking the rough stuff slowly.

He made all of this seem about me, like I wasnít enough, like it was my fault, how I failed, and now he needs someone else he wants to do it right with. Iím sorry for my rambling, but I wanted to get it out and really ask if it was really all my mistake?

Iím going to hate myself for the next months and feel so stupid.
JennFoss is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 3rd February 2018, 5:30 PM   #2
Established Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 406
I'm sorry you're hurting. This guy has issues. He sounds like a bad lover to boot.

Next time, I advise not hanging around for a guy who is sleeping with multiple women. I thought from your previous posts that you were exclusive--so either he's cheating on you or I read that wrong, but that puts your health at risk.

I know it isn't much consolation for you right now, but there's a way better match for you somewhere and he's not it. You deserve better.
healing light is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 3rd February 2018, 5:39 PM   #3
Established Member
 
CautiouslyOptimistic's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: Northeast USA
Posts: 4,153
This guy has had sexual issues since the beginning. It's not something you'd want to deal with for life....you dodged a bullet!
CautiouslyOptimistic is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 3rd February 2018, 5:40 PM   #4
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 89
Quote:
Originally Posted by healing light View Post
I'm sorry you're hurting. This guy has issues. He sounds like a bad lover to boot.

Next time, I advise not hanging around for a guy who is sleeping with multiple women. I thought from your previous posts that you were exclusive--so either he's cheating on you or I read that wrong, but that puts your health at risk.

I know it isn't much consolation for you right now, but there's a way better match for you somewhere and he's not it. You deserve better.
We were exclusive until he decided to end it, and hooked up with this girl who now he says he wants to be with after a couple of dates with her.

Thank you... I need to see him now for who he truly is, not what I imagined or what Iíve wanted him to be.
JennFoss is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 3rd February 2018, 5:45 PM   #5
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 89
Quote:
Originally Posted by CautiouslyOptimistic View Post
This guy has had sexual issues since the beginning. It's not something you'd want to deal with for life....you dodged a bullet!
I definitely donít... I know his ex of 5 years was toyed by him for so long back and forth. (that he never married even after being engaged to her)

What gets me is that the way he comes across youíd think heís an angel, he sounds like a player on paper now, but when we met you would have never known that. I know players, I know what theyíre like, but they make it clear theyíre players...

But not him... he pretended to be this super stand up dude.
JennFoss is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 3rd February 2018, 5:48 PM   #6
Established Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 10,350
Why are you even still communicating with a person like this?

If you want to expedite your healing, you simply must cut all contact with him.
ExpatInItaly is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 3rd February 2018, 5:52 PM   #7
Established Member
 
CautiouslyOptimistic's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: Northeast USA
Posts: 4,153
Quote:
Originally Posted by JennFoss View Post
I definitely donít... I know his ex of 5 years was toyed by him for so long back and forth. (that he never married even after being engaged to her)

What gets me is that the way he comes across youíd think heís an angel, he sounds like a player on paper now, but when we met you would have never known that. I know players, I know what theyíre like, but they make it clear theyíre players...

But not him... he pretended to be this super stand up dude.

One of the nicest guys I know has some pretty weird issues related to sex. The two are definitely not mutually exclusive!
CautiouslyOptimistic is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 3rd February 2018, 5:52 PM   #8
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 89
Quote:
Originally Posted by ExpatInItaly View Post
Why are you even still communicating with a person like this?

If you want to expedite your healing, you simply must cut all contact with him.
I cut all contact now. I canít talk to him again, heís toxic and itís exhausting. Heís a headache.
JennFoss is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 3rd February 2018, 6:06 PM   #9
Established Member
 
Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 372
Quote:
Originally Posted by JennFoss View Post
I cut all contact now. I canít talk to him again, heís toxic and itís exhausting. Heís a headache.
Good decision!!great!! How long since you have had contact with him?
CantTakeMySmile is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 3rd February 2018, 6:11 PM   #10
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 19
Quote:
Originally Posted by JennFoss View Post
This post will need some background explanation so you may need to read my other posts (honestly youíd get a kick out of it anyway)

But my boyfriend ended it with me cause I told him I loved him, and he said he wasnít there at my level because when our sex got rough he had to numb his feelings for me. He later said maybe I do love you but not enough.

I blamed it on our communication and especially his, he said but I thought we had good communication, then a week later he said our lacking communication is a sign that we are incompatible. How so many things in the relationship felt right, but something was off. That was few weeks ago and heís already hooked up with a girl at a party, and I asked him if he wanted her and he said yes I think I do. But he didnít know if he wanted me after dating for months!? Heís already asked her if she wants more than just sex and if she wants a relationship and kids one day.

I feel rejected, hurt, betrayed, and I have no idea how to feel okay again. They say time and distance, but I canít wait, I donít want the next few months to feel like hell for me. I already hate myself so much for not leaving him earlier and telling him I loved him and even trying to fix the breakup. I put all of myself out there and I got clobbered, so many times.

I feel so rejected and so humiliated. Few days ago he even called me and kept talking all about the rough sex we had (that he said he didnít enjoy) and kept masturbating on the phone and sent me a picture of his penis, and asked me for a fun picture too. All this while still saying he wants that other girl.

He even talked about the sex heís having with her, and how itís rough but heís not repeating his mistake with me, cause heís more gentle with her and taking the rough stuff slowly.

He made all of this seem about me, like I wasnít enough, like it was my fault, how I failed, and now he needs someone else he wants to do it right with. Iím sorry for my rambling, but I wanted to get it out and really ask if it was really all my mistake?

Iím going to hate myself for the next months and feel so stupid.
You are NOT stupid. This guy sounds like he has narcissistic tendencies - and he sounds like a really horrendous sort overall. Telling you about the sex he's having with her?? Normal guys do NOT do this.
Girl, you dodged a huge bullet and I know it may not feel like it now, but you will be SO glad of it one day, I PROMISE! Btw he's telling you all of this ON PURPOSE, in his twisted mind, he knows this will hurt you and he gets a kick out of it...it was never you, but he wants to gaslight you into believing you're useless because people like him are empty vessels and get their kicks out of having power over others through hurting him.
Also - the thing with the new girl isn't going to last. He will idealise her to you and to others but it will crumble. Easy come, easy go. There's no substance to it. But believe me, she's going to have a harder time of it when he leaves her then you have...you've had a clean break in comparison.
Stick with the horrible feelings, live through the pain for as long as is needed to process it, but absolutely employ NC and stay away would be my advice. If you could see the ugliness inside characters like this you would run far away!
pinkpaw is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 3rd February 2018, 6:12 PM   #11
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 89
Quote:
Originally Posted by CantTakeMySmile View Post
Good decision!!great!! How long since you have had contact with him?
Last night was the last time. In the end I had to really tell him that I do believe in my heart of HEARTS that heís the main reason his relationships donít work out, cause it seemed like he gave me the same excuse he gave his ex. I told him that too. He thinks that heís this real great stable guy who is full of decency and integrity, and heís the opposite.

Iím still fuming and I canít focus on anything and I hate this feeling, my friend suggested that I try to shut down cause that helps her, but I donít even know how to.
JennFoss is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 3rd February 2018, 6:26 PM   #12
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 89
Quote:
Originally Posted by pinkpaw View Post
You are NOT stupid. This guy sounds like he has narcissistic tendencies - and he sounds like a really horrendous sort overall. Telling you about the sex he's having with her?? Normal guys do NOT do this.
Girl, you dodged a huge bullet and I know it may not feel like it now, but you will be SO glad of it one day, I PROMISE! Btw he's telling you all of this ON PURPOSE, in his twisted mind, he knows this will hurt you and he gets a kick out of it...it was never you, but he wants to gaslight you into believing you're useless because people like him are empty vessels and get their kicks out of having power over others through hurting him.
Also - the thing with the new girl isn't going to last. He will idealise her to you and to others but it will crumble. Easy come, easy go. There's no substance to it. But believe me, she's going to have a harder time of it when he leaves her then you have...you've had a clean break in comparison.
Stick with the horrible feelings, live through the pain for as long as is needed to process it, but absolutely employ NC and stay away would be my advice. If you could see the ugliness inside characters like this you would run far away!

A few of my friends mentioned this, that he likes to pick at my self confidence and even punish me when I don’t comply. He kept interrogating me to find out if I had sex too (like hooked up like he did) because I guess I’m his mind he can, but I can’t.

Who in their right mind thinks about getting into another serious relationship so fast after a big breakup and after only a few dates? It’s one thing that I’m disgusted he can even have sex with a stranger right after we broke up, but to already be asking her if she wants kids?
JennFoss is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 3rd February 2018, 6:51 PM   #13
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 19
Quote:
Originally Posted by JennFoss View Post
A few of my friends mentioned this, that he likes to pick at my self confidence and even punish me when I donít comply. He kept interrogating me to find out if I had sex too (like hooked up like he did) because I guess Iím his mind he can, but I canít.

Who in their right mind thinks about getting into another serious relationship so fast after a big breakup and after only a few dates? Itís one thing that Iím disgusted he can even have sex with a stranger right after we broke up, but to already be asking her if she wants kids?
Well, that's just it, he ISN'T in his right mind.
Believe me, I have studied narcissism extensively, and have a family member who has narcissistic personality disorder...their behaviour is always very, very similar following a very familiar pattern.
He quickly moves on because she is his next source of 'narcissistic supply' - he is basically empty inside and needs attention and adoration from others to feel good about himself. He moves on quickly and will declare all kinds of crap he doesn't really mean to the next source of supply as part of 'lovebombing' - to snare his next supply of attention basically. To be asking her if she wants kids already....that is not normal, and he has picked well if she finds this alluring....usually this type of man picks up insecure women who are desperate for love that they will hear abnormal stuff like 'I love yous' within a matter of days/weeks and about having kids...and the woman is just so grateful that someone finally is giving her love and everything she wanted that she thinks: 'this is amazing, its meant to be, this is what i've been waiting for my whole life' but really the woman who falls for this nonsense has been waiting for care and attention her whole life as she is insecure....any normal, healthy, self-respecting woman would look at a guy like he is MENTAL if he suggests kids after a few weeks!!

Anyway, that's the first stage...then next stage once the new latest shiny gf becomes 'boring' is the devaluation stage...where he will get bored and need a new ego fix...and that stage is hideous for the poor girl....he will either just disappear without a trace, or then suddenly change his behaviour to make her jealous/upset/hurt so that she starts begging for the lovebombing stage to happen again. 'Why has he suddenly changed, it makes no sense' - that's because it DOESN'T make sense - because the lovebombing was all an act! None of it is who he really is. THIS horrible stage is who he really is...and its so difficult to understand how someone can switch.

But unfortunately, that is the difficult pill to swallow.

Believe me, I've had plenty of experience with this type...they're sooo predictable that once you know of them, you can sniff them a mile away.

Best way to get back at them? NC and FOCUS ON YOU. Btw, this type will always come back, but trust me, you won't want them back. When you ignore him and move on with your life...this will make him furious...he will try to get your attention again.....which may sound tempting if you are still raw and want him back but my advice is: STAY. AWAY. Run as far as you can from this type!!
pinkpaw is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 3rd February 2018, 6:57 PM   #14
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 89
Quote:
Originally Posted by pinkpaw View Post
Well, that's just it, he ISN'T in his right mind.
Believe me, I have studied narcissism extensively, and have a family member who has narcissistic personality disorder...their behaviour is always very, very similar following a very familiar pattern.
He quickly moves on because she is his next source of 'narcissistic supply' - he is basically empty inside and needs attention and adoration from others to feel good about himself. He moves on quickly and will declare all kinds of crap he doesn't really mean to the next source of supply as part of 'lovebombing' - to snare his next supply of attention basically. To be asking her if she wants kids already....that is not normal, and he has picked well if she finds this alluring....usually this type of man picks up insecure women who are desperate for love that they will hear abnormal stuff like 'I love yous' within a matter of days/weeks and about having kids...and the woman is just so grateful that someone finally is giving her love and everything she wanted that she thinks: 'this is amazing, its meant to be, this is what i've been waiting for my whole life' but really the woman who falls for this nonsense has been waiting for care and attention her whole life as she is insecure....any normal, healthy, self-respecting woman would look at a guy like he is MENTAL if he suggests kids after a few weeks!!

Anyway, that's the first stage...then next stage once the new latest shiny gf becomes 'boring' is the devaluation stage...where he will get bored and need a new ego fix...and that stage is hideous for the poor girl....he will either just disappear without a trace, or then suddenly change his behaviour to make her jealous/upset/hurt so that she starts begging for the lovebombing stage to happen again. 'Why has he suddenly changed, it makes no sense' - that's because it DOESN'T make sense - because the lovebombing was all an act! None of it is who he really is. THIS horrible stage is who he really is...and its so difficult to understand how someone can switch.

But unfortunately, that is the difficult pill to swallow.

Believe me, I've had plenty of experience with this type...they're sooo predictable that once you know of them, you can sniff them a mile away.

Best way to get back at them? NC and FOCUS ON YOU. Btw, this type will always come back, but trust me, you won't want them back. When you ignore him and move on with your life...this will make him furious...he will try to get your attention again.....which may sound tempting if you are still raw and want him back but my advice is: STAY. AWAY. Run as far as you can from this type!!
You are great at explaining this and so much of it resonates with me. He has even said to me few weeks after meeting me that I’m the woman he’s considering mother of his children!

Btw, this new girl is hopefully smarter than me and will dump him. She’s a flight attendant so he only sees her on the weekends. She told him yeah I want kids but not ANY time soon cause she’s focusing on her job!
JennFoss is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 3rd February 2018, 7:39 PM   #15
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 19
Quote:
Originally Posted by JennFoss View Post
You are great at explaining this and so much of it resonates with me. He has even said to me few weeks after meeting me that I’m the woman he’s considering mother of his children!

Btw, this new girl is hopefully smarter than me and will dump him. She’s a flight attendant so he only sees her on the weekends. She told him yeah I want kids but not ANY time soon cause she’s focusing on her job!
Haha, this new girl sounds like exactly the tonic he needs. It's not going to end well for him at all, and he is likely to go beserk. The fact she responded like that does show she is healthy - right now she's not seeing him often enough to sniff out the dodgy traits - plus he will be concealing most of them during the lovebombing phase as he 'mirrors' her personality to convince her he is amazing...but that will end sooner rather than later.

If it's any consolation at all, and gives you any hope, I used to have these types of relationships, due to having a mother who operates in the same way. So to me, it was familiar and not abnormal. After studying it, and going to a therapist, and EXTENSIVE personal work on myself, I cut out this nonsense sharpish. Last time this happened to me in 2014 was the straw that broke the camel's back - I got to the bottom of it and after a few weeks had passed, was over him COMPLETELY and what do you know...he got back in touch...again, and again...and then again through a friend to try to get me reeled back in - and I wasn't in the least bit interested each and every time. It felt SO GOOD and once I'd seen it all for what it really is, there was no going back. Now whenever I sniff out these traits, the men are instantly unattractive to me - a state I never thought I'd reach! The hard work pays off.

It's funny, once you're fully self-aware of what it means to be a healthy individual and what healthy relationships are, there's no going back. Every other type of nonsense gets filtered out very quickly!

A final note...he will be back. He will be back when this air hostess chick gets a wind of the nonsense and he will want to regain his fix from the next available supply...i.e. you....don't make the mistake of accepting it...he will pull out all the stops and try to make himself seem like a white knight, all nonsense. Good luck!

Last edited by pinkpaw; 3rd February 2018 at 7:40 PM.. Reason: spelling mistake
pinkpaw is offline   Reply With Quote
 

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

 

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
I dumped her for someone else. Then I got dumped. Conflicted feelings. Kjrrg Second Chances 9 21st May 2017 10:03 AM
Have you ever dumped someone before they dumped you to avoid heartache? wmrjw82 Dating 4 16th February 2013 1:27 PM
My ex dumped me...we got back togeather..she dumped me today, what is her game? gavinus Breaks and Breaking Up 26 17th June 2009 7:23 AM
He Dumped Me But Is Acting Like I Dumped Him! NightsInWhiteSatin Breaks and Breaking Up 8 13th April 2006 2:08 PM


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 8:23 PM.

Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.


Copyright © 1997-2018 LoveShack.org. All Rights Reserved.