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8 months & i didnt get over him. me!


Breaks and Breaking Up It happens to most everyone at some point in life! Share your experiences!

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Old 12th July 2017, 4:41 PM   #16
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OP,
How bizarre. My fiancÚ left suddenly without warning about the same time as your break up.
I have been coping with it in almost the same way you have been. The devastation the first 2 weeks, the sudden triggers, all of it.
And I agree very much about how he handled it shows his true colors.

My struggle now is how not to take him back as I just feel like it will be the same struggles all over again. I really hope he does not come back but then part of me wants it more than anything in the world.

I feel so screwed up.

Anyway, just wanted to let you aren't alone. At least it does seem to get better as time passes.
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Old 12th July 2017, 5:37 PM   #17
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I'm going back into history to give you closure and hopefully help you make better dating decisions in the future.

In the break up scenario, you were both completely out of line.

Rule #1 Do not marry a person who shuts you out (literally or figuratively) when there are problems. If a person wants to mull things over before talking about them, they should be able to do so discreetly and without harming the relationship. A marriage with this guy would have been hell.

Rule #2 Do not enter a person's home unless you are welcomed in. If you believe they are at risk of harming themselves or others, call the police. While I understand your frustration at his lack of communication (see rule #1), he was absolutely right to be furious at you for breaking into his apartment.

Rule #3 Do not view someone else's concerns or dealbreakers as "silly". To do so only demonstrates that you do not respect their thoughts and feelings. The word "silly" belittles your partner's views. If an issue is important enough to fight over, then both sides of that argument are important to both of you.

You dodged a bullet here. And as you are already out dating, your heart can't be suffering terribly - so it's a good thing that you didn't marry him.
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Old 13th July 2017, 1:13 AM   #18
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lonelyplanetmoon View Post
OP,
How bizarre. My fiancÚ left suddenly without warning about the same time as your break up.
I have been coping with it in almost the same way you have been. The devastation the first 2 weeks, the sudden triggers, all of it.
And I agree very much about how he handled it shows his true colors.

My struggle now is how not to take him back as I just feel like it will be the same struggles all over again. I really hope he does not come back but then part of me wants it more than anything in the world.

I feel so screwed up.

Anyway, just wanted to let you aren't alone. At least it does seem to get better as time passes.
I am sorry you are going through this as well, but I dont think you should hang on the idea that he is going to come back at some point. A part of my moving on process is believing that my ex doesn't love me anymore, probably dating someone new & he already moved on & he will never come back ever again ( i am just assuming but this helps me ). I think our exes are commitment-phobic & we dodged a bullet. I believe that i will get pass through this but it just needs time & self-empowerment.
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Old 13th July 2017, 1:25 AM   #19
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Quote:
Originally Posted by basil67 View Post
I'm going back into history to give you closure and hopefully help you make better dating decisions in the future.

In the break up scenario, you were both completely out of line.

Rule #1 Do not marry a person who shuts you out (literally or figuratively) when there are problems. If a person wants to mull things over before talking about them, they should be able to do so discreetly and without harming the relationship. A marriage with this guy would have been hell.

Rule #2 Do not enter a person's home unless you are welcomed in. If you believe they are at risk of harming themselves or others, call the police. While I understand your frustration at his lack of communication (see rule #1), he was absolutely right to be furious at you for breaking into his apartment.

Rule #3 Do not view someone else's concerns or dealbreakers as "silly". To do so only demonstrates that you do not respect their thoughts and feelings. The word "silly" belittles your partner's views. If an issue is important enough to fight over, then both sides of that argument are important to both of you.

You dodged a bullet here. And as you are already out dating, your heart can't be suffering terribly - so it's a good thing that you didn't marry him.
Thank you basil67 for your blunt advice. I think you are totally & absolutely right.

1. He used to shut out when there were problems but immediately solve them, after the break-up, redflags started to arise in front of my eyes that i did not see before. He used to leave every job once there is a problem, not only that, he used to flee the state that he used to work in & when he met me he didnt want to go back to the US because his last job was there so he started working remotely from my country. I only noticed that after the break-up. It means he is unstable & he cant deal with his problems.
2. In our culture, breaking into someone's privacy especially out of concern is not that of a big deal. What happened is i knocked for 30 minutes & i knew he was inside so i got worried & told someone to open the door to check on him. What i did made me feel guilty for the first couple of weeks, i thought i ruined our relationship because i used to say if i didn't go to his room that night perhaps we would have been together now. But this is not the case, he shuts down when he is having a problem instead of communicating with me which led me to behave this way.
3. For me it is silly basil67, because when i am in a relationship i stick to it. If i broke into his room out of concern because he was shutting me down is a reason to break off an engagement then what will happen when we get married and have kids? thats when we will face huge challenges & problems. But he showed me his true colors when he left & didnt even give me or us a chance to fix anything.
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Old 17th July 2017, 2:52 AM   #20
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Unhappy

So i dont know why but lately i am having guilt feelings about what happened & i am blaming myself again, but of course on a smaller scale now. I just keep saying that if i didnt go to his hotel that night & went straight to my house nothing of this would have happened. BUT, if i havenet done that he wouldnt have showed me his true colors. He shut me down the whole day, he was thinking about stuff that i have the right to know about, that they are not worth to be mad of, they just need some decent communication instead of shutting off. If i didnt go there, i would have stayed with him for more time & perhaps after getting married he would have done that & more harm will be caused. Part of me hates him for making me feel this pain, the other part wants to forgive him & just completely forget about him. I still wake up sometimes crying. Is this normal??

Last edited by toomanyquestions123; 17th July 2017 at 2:54 AM..
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Old 17th July 2017, 6:30 AM   #21
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people suck

My question again. Why do people leave without saying anything? Why after something minor like a fight they leave? Why do they do this? Hang in there. Your situation is similar to mine. So I know exactly ho you feel.
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Old 17th July 2017, 6:41 AM   #22
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Originally Posted by vickyp View Post
My question again. Why do people leave without saying anything? Why after something minor like a fight they leave? Why do they do this? Hang in there. Your situation is similar to mine. So I know exactly ho you feel.
May i know what is your story ? for dumpees it seems without any reason but for the dumper there are many reasons. In my case, when we talked after the break up when i asked about a closure, he told me we simply are culturally different. Thats a reason for him, but why foe god's sake you didnt say anything ? Plus, of course we are culturally different we are from 2 totally different cultures, why we got engaged then ?
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Old 17th July 2017, 7:07 AM   #23
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Originally Posted by toomanyquestions123 View Post
May i know what is your story ? for dumpees it seems without any reason but for the dumper there are many reasons. In my case, when we talked after the break up when i asked about a closure, he told me we simply are culturally different. Thats a reason for him, but why foe god's sake you didnt say anything ? Plus, of course we are culturally different we are from 2 totally different cultures, why we got engaged then ?
people are strange. you can follow my story by clicking on my name and see my post. But hang in there. I keep telling myself im going to look back and laugh and say " what was i thinking"
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Old 17th July 2017, 7:09 AM   #24
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dumpers suck

Quote:
Originally Posted by toomanyquestions123 View Post
May i know what is your story ? for dumpees it seems without any reason but for the dumper there are many reasons. In my case, when we talked after the break up when i asked about a closure, he told me we simply are culturally different. Thats a reason for him, but why foe god's sake you didnt say anything ? Plus, of course we are culturally different we are from 2 totally different cultures, why we got engaged then ?
people are strange. you can follow my story by clicking on my name and see my post. But hang in there. I keep telling myself im going to look back and laugh and say " what was i thinking"
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Old 17th July 2017, 7:20 AM   #25
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Originally Posted by vickyp View Post
people are strange. you can follow my story by clicking on my name and see my post. But hang in there. I keep telling myself im going to look back and laugh and say " what was i thinking"
Oh trust me, you will get there, i had 2 previous relationships that i thought i will never get over. I look back now and say WTH, was i drunk the whole time ? but i dont think i will say this with my ex-fiance, because i really liked him, but maybe i will say this if i met someone that treated me even way better. You will get better as well. Please keep posting, it helps.
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Old 17th July 2017, 7:36 AM   #26
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dumpers suck

i dont care that my ex called me names. i know who i am, and what im not. But honestly im struggling with why after such a long time ( 3yrs) would someone get up and go? Im not even speaking regarding my situation, just in general. Are these people mentally stable?
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Old 17th July 2017, 7:51 AM   #27
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Originally Posted by vickyp View Post
i dont care that my ex called me names. i know who i am, and what im not. But honestly im struggling with why after such a long time ( 3yrs) would someone get up and go? Im not even speaking regarding my situation, just in general. Are these people mentally stable?
Thats what i always ask myself; In my past relationships i cut off some relationships but that was at the very beginning when i figure out that i dont think i can be with this particular guy. But after years of relationship, i never thought i would be able to do it especially if there is no major reason ( cheating, verbal-physical abuse ). How can people just leave everything behind and just move on ? I really wanted to ask my ex how he could do it ? Maybe they are tougher than us ? maybe they had a tough childhood & maybe they have been through a lot so they dont mind just to walk away ??
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Old 17th July 2017, 8:03 AM   #28
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dumpers suck

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Originally Posted by toomanyquestions123 View Post
Thats what i always ask myself; In my past relationships i cut off some relationships but that was at the very beginning when i figure out that i dont think i can be with this particular guy. But after years of relationship, i never thought i would be able to do it especially if there is no major reason ( cheating, verbal-physical abuse ). How can people just leave everything behind and just move on ? I really wanted to ask my ex how he could do it ? Maybe they are tougher than us ? maybe they had a tough childhood & maybe they have been through a lot so they dont mind just to walk away ??
my ex had a tough childhood, and life up until the age of 25. were in our 30's now. But, how can that be an excuse for leaving a relationship , that consisted of no cheating, abuse?
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Old 17th July 2017, 8:17 AM   #29
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Originally Posted by vickyp View Post
my ex had a tough childhood, and life up until the age of 25. were in our 30's now. But, how can that be an excuse for leaving a relationship , that consisted of no cheating, abuse?
We need a third party that was a dumper & walked away easily to answer this. Maybe they are suffering a lot but simply we cant know this because we cant see it. I sometimes imagine my ex crying & clicking my phone number to call me then changing his mind ( my fantasies lol ). But it scares me to imagine that my ex that i shared a lot with is careless now & just moved on, as cruel as it sounds but very much wish him he in pain now & he wants to contact me but he doesn't have the guts to do it. Maybe he met someone new & fell in love, nobody knows hehe ! people are monsters.
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Old 17th July 2017, 8:50 AM   #30
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my ex had a tough childhood, and life up until the age of 25. were in our 30's now. But, how can that be an excuse for leaving a relationship , that consisted of no cheating, abuse?
It isn't. He was just ready to go.
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