My break up Journey - Learn and move on

[ChristKnight]

Lot of us are struggling through a break up, a painful journey awaits, but remember one thing, you are not alone. There are lots of people on this forum and a lot of life experiences that they bring through their words. This forum helped me through the darkest times of my life and I wanted to give back my experience to those who are still struggling. To help them understand that the people here tell you the truth, hear them out and take their words, it will help you get through this.

 

My story is a cliché, one that I have read through hundreds of times through different posters. Change the name, place and people, still you have the same patterns, behavior and mostly the endings too. I had a great relationship for 6 years with my ex, both of us 26 years old. Met her in my undergrad and we started of with all the butterflies of a friendship that turned into a loving relationship. Both of us moved to different cities for work, we still managed to hold on to it. I wanted to pursue my MBA and moved into my college in 2016, she wanted me to commit and I gave her a promise ring, talked to our families and got engaged. She was a loyal, trustworthy gf throughout my relationship. Though the distance created trouble, we had our ups and downs like any other couple. The life at the bschool was taking a toll on our time. We did meet up as much as we could but I started noticing red flags towards the beginning of 2017, she wanted to postpone our marriage till both of us had our careers set, she started dressing differently, taking assertive positions during our conversations. Well, when you are in love, you don’t see these as red flags, you see this as your gf being more confident and I supported her. She had a high paying job and recently got promoted. So forward to april, we spend two weeks together before I went for my summer internship. She showered me with all the love and affection in the world, no red flags here, I meet her colleagues, talk about our wedding and even a probable career choice in the same company. I had a hard time working for a leading bank with 18 hour workdays for my internship, so both of us were slacking on communication.

 

Towards the end of may, I get a call, she says she is having weird thoughts and feels like she wants to be single, I tell her that its just a phase in our relationship because we are not spending enough time together. She comes to my city we spend the weekend together, she cries that night saying that she is unable to get these thoughts out and she feels guilty for it, again a red flag. Well this is the turning point in my story, every story has one, the moment you should have realized that both of you need to work on your relationship and its going to be hard but if you really care for each other, work on it. I panicked, told her that we will plan a vacation and we are off to spend a week holidaying. She is happy, says she does not have any doubts now, wants to go ahead with everything as we planned. I come back to my college, hectic 2 months follows, now the hot and cold act from her ensues, she cuts down on communication, gets busy with work and whenever I call, her meetings get extended. Since both of us were busy, I let it go.

 

The last one month, my brother meets her, she is all happy and excited to talk about the wedding and bombards my phone with texts and calls. I was really happy to receive the affection after a while, I had a conference to attend in Dubai, I tell her that I will meet her a day after my birthday. She books my tickets to her city, is all happy and excited and am off to Dubai. I call her to advance my tickets to my bday so that I get to meet her, she acts all cold and picks a fight for no reason. I held my ground and said that I will be there, to meet or not meet me, is her choice. She gives in and I am at her apartment, she had to go to work, I suddenly notice a lot of things and I got a gut feeling that something is wrong. When she came back, I confronted her, I told her my fears and asked for her phone. She started with the cliché line “Don’t you trust me?”, I was not ready to buy that, believe your instincts people, spidey sense is almost always right, your subconscious know more than your conscious mind clouded by love. I tell her that I have never had a problem sharing my phone and I want to look through hers, she gives in, but I saw odd things, felt like she was hiding something, I restore the backup and then **** hits the roof. She was emotionally cheating on me with her mentor, I saw their chats late into the night for the past 3 weeks, she was lying to me everyday about her whereabouts and the office party and everything else. My world shattered in front of my eyes, there is no way this is happening, I went into denial and cried. I could not believe this was happening, how can she lie to me, betray my trust after all these years. Love makes you weak. This happens to the best of us. I tell her that we can fix this, she needs to cut the other man out and move to a different team. Well, she is adamant that she is not ready to do this, she is not sure about our relationship and she needs time and asks me for space . I beg and plead and then the next day, she comes back to being normal, affectionate and remorseful but not ready to accept that she was having an affair, gas lighting me that it was nothing but friendly chats (ya right, the ones that go on everyday till 3 in the morning, oh boy yes, I believed it, that’s the drug called love, it makes you believe everything the other says, eventhough you have read through it with your own eyes). Well, in hindsight, I had already lost her, I was out and the only thing left for her was to exit this without loosing her face and making me the bad guy. I feel sorry that I did not have the relationship experience to see this coming. She calls her family and friends, paints me as the abusive bf, puts all the fights from the past into this and says we are incompatible, calls off the wedding. I meet her for the breakup talk, she puts me down gently, don’t know if it’s the end, she needs 6 months, will get married in Feb 2019. Wow, I was ready to accept anything she said, just needed her back.

 

The Hell (3 months)

I came back to my college. She cuts me off, no more contact, I start pleading, but did not bombard her with mails or calls. Send her 3 mails accepting my faults, my fears and apologizing for everything, told her that she can take time but we need to talk. Towards the end of October, I get a mail from her, 3 lines, she does not want the relationship, a fake apology for hurting me and hope that I have a happy life ahead with a smiley. Did that not hurt after 6 long years.

 

I was a complete mess, I could not handle the break up, I numbed myself with weed and alcohol and almost went insane. I could not sleep, eat or function. I missed my classes, cried uncontrollably and broke down in the bathroom between breaks. I lost 5 kgs of my weight in the first month itself. I could not take it any more, I wanted help, I involved my family and friends and told them everything. I should have taken their help earlier but what if they judge her. I went to a therapist. Realized I lost out but I did not give up hope and I had to go no contact. This was the only way I could deal with this. I started my journey through this forum, read what people had to say, realized I was not alone, I saw the script of my journey and what I will go through, I prepared myself for it. I took anti depressants, shunned alcohol and weed, ran my heart out every day. I blocked her off, I knew I would get breadcrumbs, I did not want that, I wanted to be sane before I took my decision but the hope was there. My interviews were being lined up, I wanted to secure my future. And what did she do all this time? Well the wise men told me you don’t want to know what they are doing after a breakup, I did not listen but in my case it helped. She partied hard every week, was sleeping with this new guy, texted him day and night, went off on a vacation and had already replaced me. How did I know it, now this is a grey area, people would call me a psycho ex, I had access to her phone, being an engineer helps, the moment she lied to me, I had made sure I wanted to know the truth and she would not tell me that no matter what happened.

 

The pain was real and physical, the most horrible gut wrenching experience I had to go through, but knowing the truth, it only pushed me further to exit this without holding back. Get her out of my system. By the end of December, I was back to being normal, I had an offer for an amazing job, I got my sanity back though my health suffered, I lost 10kgs through my break up journey. Once the emotional storm settled, I send a mail to her brother telling him why I am walking away from this relationship and I have made the decision to not turn back. After all she did, she does not get to hear a word from me ever.

 

I want to thank homebrew/Gibson, Smokey and Wilson for their threads/posts on GIGs, it helped me put things in to perspective. But never hold false hope, I have seen people holding on to it for years and destroying their lives. In the initial stages of my break up, this was a motivation for me to hold NC, but as I gained more clarity, I realized that the choices people make are conscious decisions, their inability to see our potential and love does not oblige us to suffer the pain. So for the GIGs supporters, I believe in it completely but I don’t think second chances ever work when you are left for someone else/Cheated/lied to or betrayed. These boundaries are there for a reason, keep your foot down and believe that you will find someone who will respect loyalty and trust more than anything.

 

These breakups follow a pattern, the dumper usually acts hot and cold, gives you a plethora of conflicting reasons, someone else is involved 99% of the time (even I would not have believed it had I not found evidence), there would be an explicit mention of wanting to be single, finding oneself, loosing themselves in the relationship(Standard lines, just read through the forum, so next time you see these, just walk away). And recons don’t work out if its not atleast a year after the breakup and there are visible changes (for people who want it)

 

The lessons

-The moment your partner starts acting cold, your relationship is in trouble, communicate, if they are not able to, put in your best effort and then walk away

-Don’t let them throw breadcrumbs, you will be weak in the initial 3-6 months, take this time to get back your sanity and only then would you be able to think and reply with clarity

-Never beg or plead, its in our instincts, fight it as much as you can, write a journal, call your family and friends and tell them whatever you want to tell you ex. Once you get it out, the urge subsides, each day is a fight and its like climbing a mountain, painful but once you reach the top, you will understand it was worth it

-Respect yourself, don’t let them watch you suffer, this journey is yours and it should not be shared with someone who choose to put you in pain

-Understand what boundaries are in a relationship, the moment someone break it, you punish them or walk away but never ever let anyone cross them without consequences, they will loose respect for you and its game over because they will do it again and that’s why they say don’t take back cheaters

-Enjoy the process, the pain, anger, hate, disbelief but most importantly, grieve. Cry whenever you feel comfortable, don’t listen to your friends who ask you to man up and distract yourself with a rebound. It will not work, grieve your loss, heal yourself before you begin a new relationship and only then will you succeed when the right person comes into your life.

 

This is a long read and if you have managed to read till now, hope you make it through your journey and succeed. I hope my experience helps atleast one person who had a sudden out of the blue break up in their 20s, trust me, its as common as the flu nowadays and you will get through this if you walk away, respect yourself and take care of your body.

[neverenough]

What a nice post Thank you a lot for writing it! I am sorry that you had tho go through this... it is so hard for us who have been dumped to accept some things.

 

When you talked about that in 99% of the situations there was someone else involved does that mean that there is a big chance that my ex was seeing someone too? Because I am scared that there were signs that I didn't see.

[sdraw108]

I pretty much agree with every word you've written. I would just add that this doesn't only happen to people in their 20s! Unfortunately there are some awful people out there, and some of them never change as they get older.

[ChristKnight]

@neverenough

 

I really can't say if there is someone else involved in your case. But, your ex is hiding something. Its in your best interest to stop finding answers and continue with NC. Put yourself first, start hitting the gym, take care of your health and you will do fine. Trust me, never stop NC, it is the only way for you to move ahead, in hope of getting your ex back or healing yourself. You will get your answers in 3 months, it will come out on its own. Believe in the process, grieve and let it all out, but do not out reach out to your ex and don't let him reach out to you for next 3 months. Then if you still feel you want him after what he did to you, see if he is reaching out to you, never be the first one to reach out to your ex, don't loose your self respect else you will never earn love, only pity.

 

Caliguy's NC guide will tell you what to do and how to approach every situation. its in the pinned post and go through that. All the best with your healing and trust me you will come out of this as a much stronger person with lots of love to give to the right partner.

[neverenough]

Thanks you for your answer

 

I cut off contact the moment he broke up. He cried and said that he wasn't and ******* etc. but in that moment I wanted just to stop talking to him because I couldn't believe what he was doing. So I didn't beg and I never contacted him since. I deleted his number... and I hit the gym immediatly and started to reflect on myself and what I did wrong. In reality we don't have a choice... what else could we do instead of NC? Talk it out? The person that broke up doesn't want to talk anymore and if yes it is because they feel bad for us "dumpees".

 

So, yes... I did literally everything you wrote me from the beggining and it helped me a lot My only problem is that I am scared to face the real reason but then again I (and all of us) have the choice to say "No, I don't need it anymore. There is nothing to talk about. You made I choice and I made a change." and I really want to get into that mindset as soon as possible.

 

What I wanted to say too... I am at the end of week 3 of NC and I feel a little normal again which is a big step. I didn't know how much I craved it until I felt it. So, to all of you who are still hurting and in contact: cut it off, you don't owe them anything, start doing things for you!

[melonmint57]

Great post! Several years ago I posted on here about a bad breakup after 3.5 years. Of course at the time it seems like the most awful thing and all you want to do is make sense of someones behavior, truth is- you can't! I followed just as everyone told me to stick to NC and focus on myself. The grass really is greener on the other side. Oddly until this day he still tries to pop into my life now and then, but at this point I'm so far removed nothing really phases me.