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No contact (Day 18) miss my stubborn ex so much...will she come back?


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Hello All:

 

I’m new to this forum…I’ve been reading many of the threads on this forum in regard to No Contact and found them very helpful. I apologize for this really long post, but want to share my story and give as much detail as I can as I am currently in No Contact and missing the living heck out of my ex. While I do understand that No Contact is a time for self-reflection and healing, I'm having a really hard time with this current breakup and wondering if anybody outside-looking-in sees any hope for reconciliation.

 

A little history...I am 40, good looking male, extremely fit, have a really good job. She is Persian, 41, extremely pretty (and knows it for sure) very head-strong and stubborn to a point. She’s had two relationships since living in the US (~16 years): one for 10 years (he was head-strong too and they argued), and one for 3 years (a total pushover who took any and everything she dealt out). We met a little over a year ago through Bumble. From the first date, we both were very attracted to each other. In fact, we spent the first 4-5 days together. We had a great time for the first 6 or so months - went to dinners, vacations, festivals, movies, you name it.

 

We were inseparable. I do feel that during this time I may have spent too much money on her. Not anything off of the wall crazy, but I make a decent income (2x hers) so I did it so we could have fun. She definitely didn't hold a gun too my head there.

 

We are very much alike in a couple of ways: we have tempers that can flare easily (although not all of the time by any means), and sometimes take things a little too personal. Several of these occasions were because of the slight language barrier. Also, we sometimes don't listen to one another when it's heated and put the blame unnecessarily on the other person.

 

About 6 months ago, we got into a huge argument - and it was over something (at least to me) insignificant. I had gotten back from a work trip and my flight was delayed so Ii could not meet her at the airport (too late and she had to work). So the next day she texts me and is wanting to get together after a work engagement. We had some pretty back and forth for whatever reason (can't even remember now) and it ended up with her getting angry at me because I forgot I MIGHT (never said I was) going to a concert with a friend the next night. She then literally blocked me on everything: FB, text, etc. Immediately went on Bumble and Tinder (I went pretty fast on Bumble myself out of anger). My gut (and wrong) reaction was to beg, plead, grovel. The only means of communication with her that I had at that point was email. After several failed attempts to get her back I stopped trying - but never stopped loving her. We didn't talk for 25-26 days after the last communication I sent via email. I was a huge, emotional wreck at this point, but there was nothing I could do.

 

I was out with some friends one night at a restaurant/bar and saw her and a friend. I wasn't going to say anything at first, but had a drink or two in me so I figured what the heck. I ended up talking to her and her friend for a while, we all went back to her place and had tea, and her friend was very much for us being together and was trying to get her to stop acting so stubborn. At any rate, we started dating again after that. She was absolutely furious though that I went out with a beautiful 25 y/o girl while we were broken up and took her to Miami. She said "I don't get jealous!", but obviously this was total jealousy. She also told me that she tried to date when we were broken up, and found a nice guy, but that she went out with him for a couple of times and came home crying every night because she wasn't ready to date and thought she was. She even said that her friends mentioned “I’ve spent too much time on these dating sites trying to find a good guy. You find one and can’t go through with it.”.

 

Things never seemed to be like they first were though. I could feel in my gut that she wasn't really "there" like she was when we first started dating. We were to the point before the bad breakup where we were talking engagement and possibly kids...but now she seemed very hesitant (even more than usual). The fights seemed to get more frequent - many of which put me in at the time I felt like was what I call an impossible situation. No matter how I reacted it was wrong.

 

Over Christmas, I started to get the feeling that she may be ending things after the holidays, and that maybe she was doing this final I-don't-want-to-be-lonely thing one last time. We ended up getting into a small fight about the cabin choice (or lack thereof) to spend for New Years. I finally got one, and after I had secured the cabin, we got into a small argument. Trying to break the cycle of feeding into an argument, texting her over and over, I just let it be. She sends me a text which basically says that "If you have decided to go to the cabin by yourself or with someone else, I am done with you." This started another back and forth (again), but we made up.

 

This leads up to the first week in January 2018. Everything was fine - no fights or anything or any kind. She comes over one night, and we're cuddling and watching movies. Out of nowhere she says that "she doesn't see a future with me", and "doesn't see herself having a child with me". Ii was shocked - while I had those gut feelings, this was out of nowhere. I guess I put myself into that type of situation thinking that I had a lot of good qualities, and that maybe with some work (I was even willing to try couples counseling) that things would get better. I asked her about doing that and she said "when I was 25 I would do all of that, but I'm too old to do all of that work now." I'm just saying to myself "wtf?!?!". She then asks me when should we break up and wants to cuddle, and I'm so bewildered by what she's saying/doing - I say I'm not really in the mood for cuddling. So, we don't talk for a couple of days and meet for lunch. She tells me all of this same stuff - including the fact that "she doesn't know if she believes in God because why would God put her with somebody like me?" and started raising her voice. She then started saying that I drink too much, this, that, the other - all over the place.

 

I knew at this point that I had to save some dignity that I had left. So, I told her in a very calm voice, “I hope that God changes your heart and mind.”. I asked her a final question that did she feel like some of what she was saying to me was because she felt bad about herself. She did admit yes, but that she couldn’t work on herself with me. My friends who are on dating sites said they haven’t seen her - with before they saw her immediately on them.

 

We haven’t spoken since that day. I have gone total No Contact. We have mutual friends, and I’ve posted some cool pictures having fun at the park and with friends, and even though they weren’t “look at me - haha” type of posts, she de-friended me after a couple), but that would be about the closest she could see as to what I’m doing.

 

I saw her at church yesterday (Jan 21) - we go to the same church. I was looking very sharp and talking to a buddy of mine on the phone after service. She walked by, walked right past me and kept going. She had this very dejected look on her face - I mean very dejected and depressed. But she didn’t say a word and I didn’t even give her a “nod” hello. Now, I’ll bet given the past that she expected me to chase after her and beg her to come back - but I didn’t. I held strong and held my ground.

 

I did not know how much it would hit me seeing her until today. For some stupid reason, there is a part of me that said to myself that there is no way that she wouldn’t contact me after seeing me and the dejected look she had. But (and I know it’s only been a day) but she hasn’t.

 

Now to the questions:

 

Given the narrative I’ve illustrated above, is there hope for reconciliation? Is she too stubborn to come back? Does it sound like she even wants to? Would she have picked up with that guy from before and that’s why she’s not back on dating sites - or could it possibly be she misses me and wants to get back together? I know that I have to wait for her to contact me first - I cannot break, but it is SO DIFFICULT. I miss her and want to speak with her all day, every day.

 

Any thoughts on this would be much appreciated.

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It's normal to miss all the good times you had together. But you need to remember the reason you broke up. And remember this is a woman who told you straight up she doesn't see a future with you.

 

Do you really want to be with someone who thinks like that? Would you rather not be with someone who appreciates you for you? And wants to have a future with you?

 

It's time to move on.

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You said that the relationship was no longer the same after the first breakup. And the two of you were still fighting. Why would she come back?

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I understand what you are saying about moving on and at some point I've got to in my heart. I was just thinking after reading some other threads/sites that my situation may have some characteristics of my ex being stubborn and even though she says there's not a future - when 3-4 weeks go by with No Contact, she may see things in aa different way. Or if this sounds like she is out of the door, gone for good. I know there's no crystal ball anyone has...just trying to draw from others experiences.

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@Basil67 - I guess to answer your question...I do realize the mistakes I've made in the relationship and am absolutely willing to work on them. But I also know it wasn't me 100% and that both people have to work on what they bring to the relationship. I guess I'm still holding out that she will see I'm worth keep and that the grass isn't greener on the other side. Who she says she's looking for doesn't exist is what all of my friends say.

 

Unfortunately also, one of my friends sent me a screenshot of an event on FB for a black tie V-Day event and her name was listed as "interested". I saw the event and it doesn't seem like something you go to if you're single. So, there's that.

 

I guess I just feel used partly, and also partly sad that in her mind it's just "you're a bad person and I want a rich pushover". Even though I know she won't respect a pushover.

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To be honest, this relationship sounds WAY too dramatic to be sustainable. I get the impression that you enjoy being the calm, rational one to her playing the "stubborn," volatile one. That can be fun, and certainly hot, for maybe six months—hence the good six months you guys had.

 

But at a certain point it needs to become a relationship, with two people putting in the work, and not a game of two people playing cat and mouse.

 

I think the question you need to ask yourself right now is: Do you really want her, the woman you've described above as a tempestuous and immature game player, or does your ego want to "win" by reeling her back in so you can both play with fire a bit more?

 

If it's the former, you need to be humble and earnest; if it's the latter, it's time to move on, put in the self-work, and prepare yourself to for a partnership that isn't so jumpy.

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I do really want her - but what do you mean about being humble and earnest? I feel like I've offered every option to try and make us work - because I truly do love her. I'm just confused because I've heard that with No Contact (and not playing a game), but that the other person needs to experience life without you to know what they are truly missing out on. I am just not sure with her that will happen.

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I guessed that at 40 I had not learned this yet...

 

My brother, have you ever dated a woman that was not crazy?

 

Because is you don't realize that she is nuts, maybe you need to start counseling yourself.

 

Dude, she is nuts. You can't fix crazy, you just can't.

 

If you can't see this yet, seriously, then you need to work on yourself.

 

I am guessing that all you have dated are super hot diva's in one form or another.

 

Listen, if you ever date a woman that is NOT CRAZY, you just will not believe how wonderful it can be.

 

Drama for drama's sake is not where it is at. If it is all you know, then that is all your know. But when you get a genuinely sweet, stable, no drama woman it is truly a dream.

 

All you have to worry about is when you will be able to see her again, and how laid back and cool it will be to see her and relax and have fun.

 

I have a non crazy, beautiful, sexy girl friend. Only problem is that we can't stay with each other every night, instead of just 4 or 5 days a week.

 

Life is good...

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3 words: Borderline Personality Disorder.

 

If you aren’t familiar with this, Google it and get yourself up to speed quickly.

 

She sounds like a volatile nutter. You dodged a bullet with this one. For your own sanity, steer clear with a wide berth.

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So do you drink too much?

 

No one can answer whether she’ll come back, but the fact that she calmly ended it indicates that it’s something she had thought about for a while and she was sure about her decision. She then reiterated her decision when she met you a few days later for lunch. I think you’re wasting your time hoping that she’ll come back especially since you said yourself that you could tell that she was holding back when you guys got together after the first break up.

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No, I don't drink too much. But I can tell you that it wasn't a good feeling with how she made me feel about it. She would go through my stuff and start these weird narratives about things I wasn't even really doing...like drinking too much. She literally got mad over me taking prescribed pills also (not narcotics or anything of the sort). To be accused of something just to make an excuse (at least that's what they seemed to be) is crap.

 

She didn't "calmly" end it. I was the one who stayed calm and in actuality she was talking so loud when we met for lunch the guy behind her turned to see why she was being loud.

 

Maybe I am waiting for that text/call that some people say they get with something like, "we need to talk. I screwed up.", but possibly with her I'll never get that. I can't be with anyone who is not willing to try and just considers a relationship at our age (40's) to be "too much work". Heck, in my mind relationships always require some sort of work and two parties both trying. Maybe I'm being too naive and she's never coming back. I can't be a pushover anymore and beg and plead, but I'm just not sure how long I can last.

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I'm just confused because I've heard that with No Contact (and not playing a game), but that the other person needs to experience life without you to know what they are truly missing out on.

 

I guess it's possible that she will look back and miss you. But it's more probable she will adapt to being without you and not look back. It's pretty easy to move on when you've left a relationship where things weren't great.

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They were great for a while, but she just stopped trying after that first big breakup. I guess it looks bleak from what I'm hearing...I know I can't force her to be with me and she has to want to come back on her own. All my friends that really know the situation thinks she'll contact me when she realizes the grass isn't always greener and that I do have a lot of qualities and cannot bear the full blame for all I do and what she does too.

 

I've just been hopeful in reading the success stories after a period of no contact to give space.

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I do really want her - but what do you mean about being humble and earnest? I feel like I've offered every option to try and make us work - because I truly do love her. I'm just confused because I've heard that with No Contact (and not playing a game), but that the other person needs to experience life without you to know what they are truly missing out on. I am just not sure with her that will happen.

 

What I meant by humble and earnest is reaching out and saying how you feel, right now, as opposed to hoping that no contact/silent treatment at church triggers some kind of longing in her that leads her to reach out and magically transform into the woman you want.

 

That said, I think what you love about her is two things: the idea of what it could be, if she shed the crazy, except that this is a 40 year old woman who has repeatedly shown you exactly who she is—volatile, unstable, manipulative. And that, I think, has become something of a drug for you—the chase, the push and pull—and you may be mistaking that high for love.

 

I don't say this to be harsh. I've gotten myself into versions of this, and am currently extricating myself from one. But, c'mon, in your gut you must know how dysfunctional this sounds. Do you want to be in a relationship where your head is always spinning, where you don't know if you're going to get hot or cold one minute to the next, or do you want something that is both stable and loving and sexy? The former is what you have with her, the latter may only be possible with someone else.

 

I think if you use NC properly—to mourn, to heal, to give yourself time to think about what you really want, rather than waiting for lightening to strike and her brain/heart to be rewired—you'll start to see that this isn't the person for you right now. I know that's hard to hear—like I said, I just got over that—but right now you're still trying to control everything and playing an exhausting game of chess.

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Maybe I am waiting for that text/call that some people say they get with something like, "we need to talk. I screwed up.", but possibly with her I'll never get that. I can't be with anyone who is not willing to try and just considers a relationship at our age (40's) to be "too much work". Heck, in my mind relationships always require some sort of work and two parties both trying. Maybe I'm being too naive and she's never coming back. I can't be a pushover anymore and beg and plead, but I'm just not sure how long I can last.

 

No she is not, and be glad for that...

 

I understand that you are just too dense to understand this, but she is completely nuts.

 

You should be happy that your not married to her, just move on...

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CantTakeMySmile

How many weeks has it been since you have spoken to her?

 

 

If previous behavior is any indication of present behavior, I would guess she would not contact you since she didn't last time.

 

 

Plus, with her type of personality, I would guess she likes to be chased.

 

 

I tend to think that if you break up on the midst of an argument, then there is a better chance to reconnect. If the reasons are " not in love anymore" or "no future together" etc. , the outcome seems to be to stay broken up.

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It has now been 19 days since we last spoke - 2 days since I saw her in church. She was pretty angry when we last spoke - and I found out last time we had a big fight that she couldn't date even though she tried. She had me blocked on everything except email before. This time she doesn't (at least I don't think she does). The difference with me this time is that I'm not begging and pleading for her back - I've stayed no contact.

 

She does like to be chased - but this time I feel like I need too keep my dignity and that if I try to contact her too soon she'll still be angry. The weekends are the worst times. I'm getting out and doing things for myself - I try not to mope around the house. I just miss her.

 

But, pretty much everybody so far on the forum is saying she's not going to contact me or come back. So, as much as it hurts the situation looks bleak.

 

Plus, she told me in our last conversation that she only has 1 year left that she can have a baby before it's medically too late for her. So, I would imagine that she's immediately on the hunt already.

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CantTakeMySmile

I feel like if she doesn't want to be with you, then you can't "convince" her. Would you even want to?

 

 

But, it seems like you are "waiting", instead of actually practicing NC. If this is true, and you actually plan on contacting her after X number of days, why not just contact now, so you can start to move on instead of waiting for days to pass.

 

 

If she still doesn't want to reconcile, then start moving on... just counting through days until you will text her again is putting a band aid on it and not allowing you to heal.

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There are only 2 reasons why I have not contacted her yet:

 

#1: because I want her to get over the anger and maybe have some time to miss having me around.

 

#2: I want to be in at least a semi-strong position mentally in the case she does talk to me.

 

I gotta tell, I didn’t expect to get these replies to my thread - although I am grateful I did. I guess I was hoping for some replies that gave some insight into no contact/space success stories. Sounds like mine isn’t one of those.

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No yours is not...

 

And No Contact is not used to make the other person miss you. It is to help you heal from a bad relationship break up.

 

And, no, she is not coming back and you need to realize that and move on....

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@BluesPower - I didn't mean that in a negative sarcastic way - I'm just hurting. I'd do anything to make it right and at the very same time I know she wants to be with someone that doesn't make her face herself. I know plenty have been there - it's just a tough spot to be in. Seeing her at church it all came flooding back.

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CantTakeMySmile
@BluesPower - I didn't mean that in a negative sarcastic way - I'm just hurting. I'd do anything to make it right and at the very same time I know she wants to be with someone that doesn't make her face herself. I know plenty have been there - it's just a tough spot to be in. Seeing her at church it all came flooding back.

 

Won’t you see her in church every week?

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I was going to start going to a different service I suppose - there are 1000+ people that attend any given church service. I feel like that's the best thing. What actually got the feelings flowing back wasn't the fact that I saw her I think - it was the totally dejected face she had. I just wanted to go up and hug her and tell her I loved her. But I suppose not a good idea either.

 

I'm going to an event that called a "Single's Series" at the church tonight, and I'm hoping I don't into her. I just don't want to pass up a chance to do something productive and get closer to God.

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CantTakeMySmile
I was going to start going to a different service I suppose - there are 1000+ people that attend any given church service. I feel like that's the best thing. What actually got the feelings flowing back wasn't the fact that I saw her I think - it was the totally dejected face she had. I just wanted to go up and hug her and tell her I loved her. But I suppose not a good idea either.

 

I'm going to an event that called a "Single's Series" at the church tonight, and I'm hoping I don't into her. I just don't want to pass up a chance to do something productive and get closer to God.

 

You know where the power is. You’ve got this! :)

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