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Confused about what a "break" in a relationship means.


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Hi, my g/f and I have been going out for about 8 months now. The past few weeks have been very difficult for us. We seem to argue alot about my past and her not being able to get beyond it. I was once married to a stripper and have two children from her and I had a second marriage that failed. The marriages aren't the issues, its the fact that I married a stripper is what my g/f has a problem with. Once I married my first wife, she quit that lifestyle for good. I have also been divorced from her for over 8 years. I have trouble with my first ex wife when it comes to seeing my children. I know that this has been a big issue between my g/f and I.

 

Things in our relationship (current) have been good and bad. I seem to be the one doing all the effort and the one to say I love you. My g/f asks me to justify why I love her all the time, which is unerving I think. After a recent arguement it was concluded that my g/f feels that after 8 months she should feel that she is in love with me and she said she is not. That hurt big time. I do love her and care for her deeply. After cooling off and taking a day to think about things, we had a conversation that ended up her saying that she wants to take a break. What does this mean? We both decided that we will still communicate with each other so all contact is not lost at this point. I'm in a quandry, do I just back off and not contact her at all and ignore her calls if she does in fact call?

 

I consider the break moreless a breakup. I don't want to see other people at this point at all. My g/f and I did not discuss if either of us are going to see other people now. Am I wrong for feeling like this is it, over! ?

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LucreziaBorgia

'Taking a break' means that she intends to live single, with your permission. Should she find someone better out there, she will break up with you. Should she strike out, she'll be back. Basically, 'taking a break' is asking someone to put themselves on the back burner in case something better doesn't come along. People who are 'on a break' aren't bound by the rules or dealbreakers of the relationship. Generally speaking, by the time you hear 'we need a break' she already has someone in mind she wants to spend that 'break' with. A 'break' is rarely a time for the soul searching you think it is. Usually, its just an excuse to have a temporary breakup with a backup plan. In her case, given how she is with you - I can say with some certainty that she isn't confused about her feelings at all, and fully intends to use you as a backup plan.

 

If that is ok with you, then you can agree to her 'break' and hope that she comes back. If that is not ok with you, then you can tell her that you feel that a breakup would be better so that you can get your head and heart back together.

 

I seem to be the one doing all the effort and the one to say I love you. My g/f asks me to justify why I love her all the time, which is unerving I think. After a recent arguement it was concluded that my g/f feels that after 8 months she should feel that she is in love with me and she said she is not.

 

I would strongly advise the 'breakup' option. Its pretty clear that she is not as into this relationship as you are. No sense in making yourself miserable, in order to make things more easy for her while she's out there playing you for a fool. Yank yourself out from under her feet, and let her land on her ass.

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Don't give up on your relationship yet. A break is not a break up because if she wanted to break up with you she would do it instead of keeping contact with you during a break. I considered a break a break up when my boyfriend said it to me, but in all reality when he got a taste of what a break really was (not seeing eachother everyday, not sleeping together, not talking as much) he didn't want it. We are still working through our problems and everytime we get in a fight, the break issue comes up again, I think that maybe she thinks that's the right thing to do, but not necessarily what she wants to do. Go with it, if she calls you, call her back, don't play the game of not answering the phone, just try not to be as anxious to answer. Try to always be the one to get off the phone first.

As for the stripper thing, I kind of see where she is coming from. Strippers are not supposed to be real and that's why we let our boyfriends and husbands go to strip clubs on occasion. But you made them real in a sense by marrying one. Even though you are no longer married to her, your girlfriend may compare herself to your ex. So be sure to make it known that you love the way she looks and the fact that a million men have not seen her naked. She just needs to be reassured. If that doesn't work then maybe the break is for her benefit. She needs to build her confidence.

Hang in there!

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I got a suprise phone call from my g/f last night and she agrees that we should go to couples counseling to figure out what is wrong in our relationship and see if we can make a go of it. She said that this is a breather for the both of us and we need to focus on getting back to our individual selfs and understand each other better. She said she really misses me too.

 

I think that this is a good sign. I am cautiously optimistic. Is this a good thing or not?

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LucreziaBorgia

It sounds promising, that's for sure. Hopefully in counseling, you'll be able to see first hand those things that led her to her wanting to take this 'break'. Be willing to really listen to what she has to say, and be prepared to feel some hurt. Now is the time for honesty - both the willingness for her to be honest, and the willingness for you to let her be honest, and a person who needs a 'break' will have some painful things for you to hear should they decide to be 100% honest about it.

 

I don't know that wanting counseling means that she feel any differently about you than she did when she needed the 'break', but at least she is willing to see what she can salvage and work toward strengthening what feelings she does have for you.

 

 

She said that this is a breather for the both of us and we need to focus on getting back to our individual selfs and understand each other better.

 

I can definitely see why she would need 'space' in a case like this. In other words, she feels that you two were focusing so hard on who you were in the context of the relationship, that the individual people got lost somewhere in there. That's one of many reasons a person will stray during the 'needing space' time as well: because the OP gives them a chance to be and be enjoyed as "just themselves" again - the person they were completely outside of the context of their current committed relationship. Hopefully you two can connect with each other outside of the context of the relationship - and this individual connection can help you be stronger as a couple.

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Thanks I will keep you posted. We actually saw each other briefly last night before we are supposed to. It was a little awkward, but we hugged and kissed and both said that we missed each other. We have our counceling tomorrow. I really hope it goes well. Any advice?

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Well our counseling got postponed to Thursday 23, June. My g/f said that she has had dreams of us living together. I'm confused about her feelings. She is really nervous about the counseling and for that matter, I am too. I feel that she is prolonging the envitable that we probably won't work out. This is just a gut feeling that I have. I may be way off base on this one, but this is what I feel. My g/f has also indicated that she needs to get away for a few days to clear her head.

 

I'm just so mixed up about everything.

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LucreziaBorgia
This is just a gut feeling that I have.

 

Never, ever underestimate your gut feeling. Its your body's way of cluing you into things that you aren't consciously getting.

 

Just hang in there until your appointment.

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Thanks, I will. I will just try and relax and keep busy in the mean time. I know she is extremely busy with her work right now. She does not need added pressure from me.

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I agree. After counseling last night we really uncovered that we are really different people and she is unwilling to over look my past and move beyond it. I'm going to back off and just do what I have to do now and move on.

 

There were no goals defined at counseling, just airing our issues in front of a referee basically. No real resolve.

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Yep, those were the words said to me after 5 1/2 years " I need a break to sort my head out" never been together after that

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  • 3 weeks later...
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Well we have officially broke up as of two Sundays ago. It was aweful. We both held each other for an hour and half and kissed and cried. I do believe it was painful on both parts. Since then we have had limited contact. My ex in fact called me tonight. It was mainly small talk and nothing was dicussed about us a couple. I do sense from her tone of voice that she misses me, but won't admit it. I do care for her still, but alot of me is bitter for what happened. Am I being stupid for carrying a torch for her still? I do love her, but obvisously, I'm not in love with her anymore, I can't be, it was never fully recipricated.

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LucreziaBorgia
Am I being stupid for carrying a torch for her still?

 

No. Its understandable. As long as you maintain contact with her, you will continue to hold that torch. It will be some time before you are finally able to let that go. That's why a good deal of people go with 'no contact' - it is a shock and painful to cut someone out of your life completely, but it makes the healing go a lot faster. Contact with someone you love, and who does not return those feelings is like a lingering illness. Eventually you build up an immunity to them, but it takes a long time.

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