Slept with Ex, but she's still seeing someone.

[BenDamage]

Needing advice.

 

So my ex broke it off a year and a half ago and started seeing someone immediately after we broke up and they've been together ever since. We've been in contact with each other off and on the entire time.

This past Wednesday she called me because she had heard a song on the radio and it made her emotional and wanted to call me. Well it turns out I was off that day and she had a free hour in between clients so she invited me to her office. I hadn't seen her in almost two years because she didn't want to see me because, in her words, if she saw me, she knew she couldn't help herself and would probably cheat.

 

Well we met up and we ended up sleeping together right there in her office. We reminisced, we shared a big long hug/kiss. She seemed super excited to see me and made it sound as if she was eager to see me more. We talked all throughout the week as if we had never broken up in the first place, like we were full on lovers once again. We met up again on Monday and did it all over again. However, after this time she told me if we saw each other it was gonna have to be a once in a blue moon type thing because she has bills she has to pay and she can't afford to constantly give up client hours for me. She said we could be 'secret lover's....spice up each others world every now and again but not quite often

 

Well she called me yesterday and said she didn't know the next time she would see me and honestly feels super guilty for cheating on her bf. She made it a point to tell me that her relationship is "great" and gets everything she needs at home and she's conflicted because she has those feelings for me still. She told me she could even see herself marrying him in the future, but made it sound as if she would still want to see me.

 

Now I don't know if I'm going to see her again and all of those old wounds are opened back up. I got a taste of her after almost two years and just as quickly as that door opened, it shut again. I know I'm stupid for going to see her in the first place, but its incredibly hard to say no to someone you love that much.

[Zahara]

The fact that she started seeing someone immediately after your break-up is likely because she was cheating on you. Don't be naive to think the guy fell on her lap out of nowhere and conveniently right after your ending. She was working him while with you. And now she cheats on her current boyfriend.

 

I know it is hard because you still love her but spare yourself more heartache and go cold turkey NC on her. She's telling you she sees her future with her boyfriend so it's best you cut contact with her now and deal with your pain. In time you'll probably look back and realize she didn't deserve being on that pedestal.

 

I also read your other thread -- you need to work on your self esteem and find your self-respect.

Edited January 18, 2018 by Zahara

[HumanMachine]

She sounds disgusting. What a vile person, the quicker you get this girl out of your life the better.

[RSCoach]

If she is not going to give up on the other guy and it makes you feel bad to see her again while she's telling you that you have no future together, maybe for your own protection you should stop seeing her.

 

It may be tough at first, but eventually you will heal, while you won't if you keep seeing her.

[Young mind]

Amazing this one, isn't she?.

Your pondering over it seems to point in the direction that you still have feelings for her or caught some during the wonderful encounter at work.

If you're into free romps with her, and you don't mind you may continue, ofc she has made her intentions clear, she just wants you to spice up her world, imo, I will cut contact , first these type of behaviors are simply disgusting, you have to pick up some self respect and control and te her to get lost.

She will spice up your world till she can find the next person to spice up hers and don't be surprised if you're back here posting.

The euphoria of banging an ex gf is great, esp if she left you, it boots your ego for her to come running to you for sex when she has a bf, but these are major character flaws, I once did , was great while it lasted, upon self evaluation, I could only imagine what deep pit I was dragging myself into.

Cut contact and have some self respect

[Fever of love]

Just feeling contrary today, and I know the majority of posters are going to give you good advice to go NC anyway.

 

But just to play the devils advocate- if you can stay detached, why not play the game? As Zahara says, this guy likely stole her from you, so why not steal her back? At the very least, it would give the other guy a taste of the pain he put you through, and she's clearly laying that option on the table. Along with that other stuff

 

Honestly some of the stuff you read on here is Shakespearean in it's drama- 'What a tangled web we weave', 'The course of true love never runs smooth' and 'A tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury- yet signifying nothing,' seems especially apt for some posts.

 

Anyway there's no way of knowing if life has cast you as a tragic lover or a fool until it's all over- but better a villain than a victim!

 

Don't listen to me, take the sensible advice.

 

If you're that kind of person.

[Gr8fuln2020]

She does not sound like a good person. She's a cheater, liar, and many things that are not compatible to a healthy, loving relationship.

[preraph]

Seeing exes and falling back into their arms is always painful, but so is seeing them and getting sentimental and NOT falling back into their arms. I actually wish I had one time, but it wouldn't have changed anything at all. I'd just have gotten more invested and then hurt again.

 

the only answer to this pain is to move on, and if the only way you can do that is cut off contact with her and stop looking at or letting her look at your social media, then you do that for your own rehabilitation. She's moved on and felt detached enough to just enjoy sex with you. Now, I've met lots of guys who could do that and few women, but no reason they can't.

[ExpatInItaly]

Is she still in her "open" marriage?

[BenDamage]

No, she ended that shortly after she split with me. She's been dating a guy she's known for 20 years for almost 2 years now. She went into a full "monogamous" relationship with him because he's not into polyamory and she completely cut me out of her life because of it. Until last Wednesday when she invited me to her office and we slept together. Then again on Monday.

 

Now she's telling me she's feeling guilty and that she's not missing anything at home and there was no reason to have me over aside from the fact that she was just really missing me that particular day.

[Been]

Wow. She dumped you and then found someone really quick- can you say more then likely she was seeing him while she was with you.

Now she feels guilty for doing it with you to him even though she gets everything she needs at home.

 

1. Her words mean nothing. Listen to what she's saying.

2. She loves the ATTENTION from you.

3. She isn't going to change. She is one of those people who becomes board with someone and then starts looking at options while she has the "steady" man. You sir are the option/spark.

4 I hope your not even considering getting back with her or even entertaining the notion. Ask yourself what GOOD will come by going down that road again? Sure right now its EXCITING but give it a month and it will revert back to how it was- her dumping you.

[CantTakeMySmile]

Needing advice.

 

So my ex broke it off a year and a half ago and started seeing someone immediately after we broke up and they've been together ever since. We've been in contact with each other off and on the entire time.

This past Wednesday she called me because she had heard a song on the radio and it made her emotional and wanted to call me. Well it turns out I was off that day and she had a free hour in between clients so she invited me to her office. I hadn't seen her in almost two years because she didn't want to see me because, in her words, if she saw me, she knew she couldn't help herself and would probably cheat.

 

Well we met up and we ended up sleeping together right there in her office. We reminisced, we shared a big long hug/kiss. She seemed super excited to see me and made it sound as if she was eager to see me more. We talked all throughout the week as if we had never broken up in the first place, like we were full on lovers once again. We met up again on Monday and did it all over again. However, after this time she told me if we saw each other it was gonna have to be a once in a blue moon type thing because she has bills she has to pay and she can't afford to constantly give up client hours for me. She said we could be 'secret lover's....spice up each others world every now and again but not quite often

 

Well she called me yesterday and said she didn't know the next time she would see me and honestly feels super guilty for cheating on her bf. She made it a point to tell me that her relationship is "great" and gets everything she needs at home and she's conflicted because she has those feelings for me still. She told me she could even see herself marrying him in the future, but made it sound as if she would still want to see me.

 

Now I don't know if I'm going to see her again and all of those old wounds are opened back up. I got a taste of her after almost two years and just as quickly as that door opened, it shut again. I know I'm stupid for going to see her in the first place, but its incredibly hard to say no to someone you love that much.

 

 

Why would you consider this? Are you polyamorous?

[BenDamage]

Why would you consider this? Are you polyamorous?

We were. When we were dating she was in a polyamorous relationship with her husband. He was seeing other people and she met me and we became lovers for 4 years. Husband knew about me and didn't have an issue with it. It was easy, I saw her 2-3 times a week and occasionally she would spend a night over at my place type of thing.

 

She broke it off with her husband and myself because I guess she started talking to an old fling she's known for 20 years and he's not into polyamory. So she separated from her husband (they were apparently on rocky ground anyways) and split with me (I wasn't my best self and I was projecting my negativity) to go full on with the new guy. Apparently her feelings for me haven't stopped however and that's why I'm guessing she chose to see me. But now I feel like an idiot because I got to see her and sleep with her and all those feelings came rushing back and I was thinking "Maybe we'll fall back into our old ways." Just for her to tell me she has no need for a side relationship and she honestly feels guilty about doing it.

So here I am, confused and hurt because I'm stupid for allowing myself to go see her.

[CantTakeMySmile]

So, if she wanted it, then you would be ok being the side guy?

[BenDamage]

So, if she wanted it, then you would be ok being the side guy?

 

I look at it from the aspect of I just wouldn't mind having her back in my life even in a limited capacity. Before when we dated I could still go out and meet/date other women if I wanted to. She brings out the best in me and was basically like my cheerleader. I know it seems complicated to some and a weird situation, but it worked out really well and what we had was genuine love and care for each other. It just sucks to know that "she gets everything she needs at home now and has no need for a side boyfriend." Like, I used to provide the things she wasnt getting from her husband, but noe thats not the case.

[PegNosePete]

all of those old wounds are opened back up

Yes, that is what happens when you interact with someone for whom you have feelings, but who does not reciprocate them.

 

I just wouldn't mind having her back in my life even in a limited capacity

Even if it means those old wounds will get opened back up every time you see her? That doesn't sound like a very well thought out plan, to me.

[CantTakeMySmile]

I look at it from the aspect of I just wouldn't mind having her back in my life even in a limited capacity. Before when we dated I could still go out and meet/date other women if I wanted to. She brings out the best in me and was basically like my cheerleader. I know it seems complicated to some and a weird situation, but it worked out really well and what we had was genuine love and care for each other. It just sucks to know that "she gets everything she needs at home now and has no need for a side boyfriend." Like, I used to provide the things she wasnt getting from her husband, but noe thats not the case.

 

 

 

It is a very different perspective for sure. But, with that being said, it doesn't appear she is giving you that option. "Secret lovers" is not the same as polyamorous relationship, so unfortunately, you don't really have an option but to move on since it hurts you too much to get cut off.

 

 

Plus, do you really want to be the guy who cheats?

[BenDamage]

Yes, that is what happens when you interact with someone for whom you have feelings, but who does not reciprocate them.

 

 

Even if it means those old wounds will get opened back up every time you see her? That doesn't sound like a very well thought out plan, to me.

 

You're absolutely right. It's just hard to turn off that switch. First loves are imprinting and I can't help but want her.

[Been]

Its hard to turn off the switch if you never turn it off!!!!!

By staying in contact with her you allow her to manipulate you- and make no mistake about it she's playing you.

Sometimes you meet people and you want it to work sooooo bad so you ignore all the red flags. All the BS because you think if they just knew how much you loved them they would stop playing games and be with you- that they would appreciate you.

But here's the thing- they DO know how much you love them and guess what? They use that love to get what they want not what you want.

And it sucks I know because you feel in your heart they are the one- I mean all of what you put up with has to count for something right?

I mean they have to love you at least a LITTLE right? NO they love what YOU DO FOR THEM that's it. Rather your their fallback guy. Or maybe you listen to them when THEy need to talk. Its all about THEIR NEEDS.