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angry about gaslighting


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Old 2nd January 2018, 5:32 PM   #1
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angry about gaslighting

Back story (changed the names). I dated John for a little over one year and a half. He dated Sarah, for a little over a year and then he dated Johanne for about 9 months before me. There was about 3-4 weeks of him being single between each woman. We broke up two weeks ago.

Throughout our relationship, he stayed friends, and in constant contact with both Sarah and Johanne (text, snapchat, facebook, name it. We are also all in the same sports league).
Johanne was a bitch the whole time and I was always clear about not being confortable with them being in constant contact. He never gave a crap and itís the main reason I broke up with him.

Sarah has always been nice to me and would introduce me to her friends as 'John's girlfriend'. I was always uncomfortable with how she was acting with him. Too affectionate, always doing stuff for him like cooking, getting him little things he needed for his gear ect. I hated it.

When I brought it up, he would say I had nothing to worry about, that they were friends before they dated and that they remained friends after. I once asked if she was like this with every one and he said he wasnít sure, that she tends to do stuff for other people a lot. She was nice to me and wasn't trying to see John without me being present (as opposed to Johanne).
I have always dealt with anxiety so I started thinking perhaps my anxiety was flaring up and playing tricks with my mind.

During the holidays, I used his laptop to collect pictures of the puppy we adopted together. In his snapchat screenshot folder, he had naked pictures of Sarah (sent in the week between Johanne and me). I started paying attention to the pictures and found a screen shot of a text from Sarah saying 'I don't understand how you always get over me so quickly. I'm happy for you and GoreSP, she is nice but I'm so **** sad right now'

Obviously they were sleeping together before we started dating and she thought they were getting back together. I also talked with another league mate who confirmed they had a thing going on at the time (I was not going to practice then so I had no ideaÖ)
I never knew about this until now.

I am absolutely livid. Hurt, angry, canít find words and I feel like he has been gaslighting me about everything (INCLUDING his so called friendship with Johanne).

In the last 6 months I have pumped myself full of anti anxiety meds and went to therapy on my own dime (probably spent a little over 1000$).

Not sure why I posted this ; Iím not really looking for advice. I guess I just needed to ventÖ
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Old 2nd January 2018, 5:51 PM   #2
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YOU did the right thing.
He had a bit of a harem going on there, you are best well out of it.
Keep away from guys with exes hanging around.
Relationships are hard enough without having to bat off exes at the same time.
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Old 2nd January 2018, 8:27 PM   #3
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Well looks like Sarah always planned to have him and keep him. She was not jealous of you. That should have been the red light for you there itself.
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Old 2nd January 2018, 9:21 PM   #4
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Uhm I'm confused. These picture were sent to him BEFORE you guys started dating? Even if they were doing stuff before you guys got together what's the problem...? He has every right to do that if he wasn't with you. It's normal for people to be uncomfortable when it comes to exes but if Sarah was nice to you and treated you with respect maybe that's just the kind of person she is...? It's very possible to love someone but not be in love with them. People seem to forget that.
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Old 2nd January 2018, 9:52 PM   #5
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Uhm I'm confused. These picture were sent to him BEFORE you guys started dating? Even if they were doing stuff before you guys got together what's the problem...? He has every right to do that if he wasn't with you. It's normal for people to be uncomfortable when it comes to exes but if Sarah was nice to you and treated you with respect maybe that's just the kind of person she is...? It's very possible to love someone but not be in love with them. People seem to forget that.
My problem is not with the fact these pictures were sent.
Every time I told him how uncomfortable I was with how she was acting with him, he said she was just trying to be his friend, which was a lie.

I feel like you've focused on the existence of the pictures when there is WAY more to it than just that...
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Old 2nd January 2018, 10:00 PM   #6
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Originally Posted by elaine567 View Post
YOU did the right thing.
He had a bit of a harem going on there, you are best well out of it.
Keep away from guys with exes hanging around.
Relationships are hard enough without having to bat off exes at the same time.
Thanks! Breaking up was a huge relief. He is trying to do the same thing with me (ie stay friends) and I'm like 'hum no.'
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Old 2nd January 2018, 10:06 PM   #7
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My problem is not with the fact these pictures were sent.
Every time I told him how uncomfortable I was with how she was acting with him, he said she was just trying to be his friend, which was a lie.
Fair enough.


I feel like you've focused on the existence of the pictures when there is WAY more to it than just that...


You know the story better than any of us do. Was him lying essentially what led you to breaking up?
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Old 2nd January 2018, 10:30 PM   #8
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Fair enough.


I feel like you've focused on the existence of the pictures when there is WAY more to it than just that...


You know the story better than any of us do. Was him lying essentially what led you to breaking up?
No. Itís all in my op

Quote:
Johanne was a bitch the whole time and I was always clear about not being confortable with them being in constant contact. He never gave a crap and itís the main reason I broke up with him.
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Old 2nd January 2018, 10:37 PM   #9
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No. Itís all in my op
Ah. I mean if you truly feel that someone is toxic to the relationship overall then that's fine and perfectly okay to talk about with your partner. The only thing I'm not okay with is when people basically demand they cut ties with their ex if they want to continue a relationship.

I know it's a problem for most people but how can one really know if someone is being faithful or not? Exactly you can't. If someone wants to cheat they're gonna do it whether the ex is in the picture or not. So my philosophy has always to just let the person be themselves and they'll respect you more for doing so.

Most people think I'm crazy for this (because, I am) but I actually prefer to have a partner with some exes I'm the picture. In my mind it shows great emotional maturity. Sure a lot of people keep exes in the picture 'just in case' but there are a good handful of cases where they legitimately are just good friends and nothing more.
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Old 2nd January 2018, 10:43 PM   #10
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I know it's a problem for most people but how can one really know if someone is being faithful or not? Exactly you can't. If someone wants to cheat they're gonna do it whether the ex is in the picture or not. So my philosophy has always to just let the person be themselves and they'll respect you more for doing so.
Thatís exactly what I did and got burned pretty badly...
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Old 2nd January 2018, 10:50 PM   #11
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Thatís exactly what I did and got burned pretty badly...
You did the right thing IMO. Sorry but you absolutely 100% cannot have a successful relationship in life without trust. Sure, he lied to you, but there are plenty of guys out there who don't lie no matter how fishy the situation looks.

If you really don't want to date someone that's still in contact with their ex that's fine. You can find plenty of people with that mind set. I personally never understood it. My partner is going to have to be okay with my ex partners as friends. Idk I've never felt threatened by my partners exes ever, but I'm not most people I guess...
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Old 3rd January 2018, 3:32 PM   #12
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Same here. Got burned worse then I ever imagined.
If the Ex has fully moved on this I would say it's not as risky. Anything else you are playing with fire IMO.

I say it's more about developing feelings for someone you loved in the past. It's easy to cheat with no emotional attachment.

6 years with my ex. She went back to him in a heartbeat.

Last edited by Downanddown; 3rd January 2018 at 3:36 PM..
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Old 3rd January 2018, 8:13 PM   #13
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Same here. Got burned worse then I ever imagined.
If the Ex has fully moved on this I would say it's not as risky. Anything else you are playing with fire IMO.

I say it's more about developing feelings for someone you loved in the past. It's easy to cheat with no emotional attachment.

6 years with my ex. She went back to him in a heartbeat.
Dam thats tough!!!

My question to you guys, how does one accept that there is nothing more other than friendship with the ex...Could they be holding hope that they return thats why they are still in contact? also how are you so sure to know you are not being lied to?? i guess it all comes down to trust..i dont know

Im not against people being friends with their ex's however in my experiences people keep their ex's around for one thing only..an option to be considered down the road..

Im always cautious now when it comes to this subject..because no one wants to get burned in the end
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Old 3rd January 2018, 8:42 PM   #14
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Dam thats tough!!!

My question to you guys, how does one accept that there is nothing more other than friendship with the ex...Could they be holding hope that they return thats why they are still in contact? also how are you so sure to know you are not being lied to?? i guess it all comes down to trust..i dont know

Im not against people being friends with their ex's however in my experiences people keep their ex's around for one thing only..an option to be considered down the road..


Im always cautious now when it comes to this subject..because no one wants to get burned in the end
I am so tired of people using this black and white thinking. I'm great friends with one of my exes. And was friends with one of her boyfriends too (still am friends honestly). I'm still in contact with her because surprise surprise, I actually genuinely care about her and want to see her do well in life. We didn't end up staying together but so what? Because it didn't work out that automatically means I have to pretend like she doesn't exist anymore or that I need to hate her? The **** outta here with that ****. I want her to be happy and I genuinely 100% mean that. There are plenty of fish in the sea. If she doesn't want to be with me, she has every right not to be.
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Old 3rd January 2018, 8:59 PM   #15
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I am so tired of people using this black and white thinking. I'm great friends with one of my exes. And was friends with one of her boyfriends too (still am friends honestly). I'm still in contact with her because surprise surprise, I actually genuinely care about her and want to see her do well in life. We didn't end up staying together but so what? Because it didn't work out that automatically means I have to pretend like she doesn't exist anymore or that I need to hate her? The **** outta here with that ****. I want her to be happy and I genuinely 100% mean that. There are plenty of fish in the sea. If she doesn't want to be with me, she has every right not to be.
simmer down boi

i respect that and dont disagree, all im saying is that people deceive others. If you are genuinely just friends nothing else by all means im not against that
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