Jump to content

Relationship VS. Career


Recommended Posts

2.5 years ago my boyfriend moved to my city after "dating" for only about a month during the summer. Because he left friends, family and a life style in a city he loved, he made me feel like I always owed him something. I think in the end, he was hoping that I would move my career back to his city. I struggled with this idea as I knew he was the type of guy to give up his job and travel the world if and when he wanted to. Anyways, I never asked nor expected him to move, but took the opportunity as it was a choice he made. So issues began as he didn't have friends or family, and expected (I think) that I be his sole entertainer. I was in school at the time, and was able to manage my life a lot easier. He didn't like that I still lived at home, and my friends had a hard time clicking with him. I began to just hang out with him, and gave up my social life.

 

He often compared us to other couples, and wanted me to move out and live on my own, or move into his place. I knew I couldn't live alone. I was just getting on my feet, and by that time my friends were basically non existent. I suggested that we move in our OWN apartment together, but he didn't want to have to move again.

 

He worked a full time job from home, however on average he only worked about 4 hours a day.Moving forward to September, this was my first year teaching in a probationary position, and found myself in a working environment that began to negatively impact my mental health. I began working harder, and unfortunately became a lot more stressed to the point where I began losing weight, sleepless nights and had little to no time for my boyfriend. He would often ask me to hang out at HIS place (refused to come to my parents, which honestly was always easier for me), but i really don't think he could ever understand the pressure I was under. I am not sure I could have done anything differently in terms of my job. I was literally doing the best I could to hold on to my position/ license. My family really helped to support me during this time, and I started to feel like I was dating someone who was more concerned about being lonely (from working at home, and secondly, having a super small social circle) than attempting to help support me through this miserable time. My family saw him putting adding pressure on me by laying out all these expectations, and refusing to do things that could have helped the situation --- probably because he was so bitter.

 

He broke up with my yesterday, and made it quite clear that I wont have any luck finding someone who will date me while i am living at home (I have been working 4 months and plan to eventually move out), I wont be able to find someone who wants to be with my considering how my job is so time consuming.

 

I just looking for thoughts on a quick snapshot of this relationship. I don't know what I could have changed in terms of my job? or my relationship. I am now fearful of the future and worry that theres a possibility that I wont ever find love again because of my job... how would you have supported someone like me during this workload/ stress time? Am I wrong to have hoped that someone would have been more understanding and supportive?

Link to post
Share on other sites

In the wake of your break up emotions run high. He knew your living situation was one of the buttons. He pushed it to upset you, not because it's true.

 

In this economy with student loans & all many people still live with their parents. If you are under 30 it's not terrible but now that you have a job & a source of income once you work out the balances at some point moving out is a good idea. Everybody needs to learn the life lessons of independence.

 

Heal from your break up. Keep balancing the stressors of your new job. If it's that toxic, get a different job but don't worry so much about your next relationship. Once you get your work like straightened out you will have more time to date, maybe come summer.

Link to post
Share on other sites

If your chosen field and current job are causing you that much stress, perhaps it’s time to reconsider your choice. Why is it stressful? Is the work too difficult? Do you feel that you lack the skill set or training to do your job well? Are you in jeopardy of losing your job? Do you like the work?

 

I’m just trying to understand why it is causing you such anxiety. From what you’ve posted, it does seem like some of your stress is self-imposed, but it’s hard to tell. I think we need more information. And I think some counseling for you might be helpful.

Edited by clam
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
If your chosen field and current job are causing you that much stress, perhaps it’s time to reconsider your choice. Why is it stressful? Is the work too difficult? Do you feel that you lack the skill set or training to do your job well? Are you in jeopardy of losing your job? Do you like the work?

 

I’m just trying to understand why it is causing you such anxiety. From what you’ve posted, it does seem like some of your stress is self-imposed, but it’s hard to tell. I think we need more information. And I think some counseling for you might be helpful.

 

I am in jeopardy of losing my job. I was given an amazing reference by a highly educated woman, and in someways I feel like I was set up for failure as it is a position that even many seasoned employees would struggle with. I was given a very difficult position. However, I know I am capable. I just don't know if i had the time for both a relationship (where I was his only -- he had few friends, and family was hours away.) and my job (which at this stage in the game is very time consuming -- especially with the added stress of losing my job. I love my job, and I love the idea of being with my ex when things worked.

 

I am so messed up because my job began to wear down the relationship. I honestly found myself in a slump where I didn't want to do anything after work but try and regroup myself (baths and meditation).. and now that I am alone, I want to kick myself for not giving him a little more... But I also struggle with that fact that he wasn't really that willing to help me out. I think he got frustrated that he was always waiting for my work to ease up, and it didn't really. But I knew it would eventually..

 

I was at a low, where if he came over for an hour or so to play a game, that would have been an amazing break for me. If we met for coffee in between our places for an hour, that would have been great. If he would have come over for a netflix tv show, that would have be good too. However, he wanted more than I could have given at the time. He wanted me to come over after 11 hours of work, whilst he worked 4 hours a day. He wanted me to sleep over, which wouldn't have helped my work/ sleepless nights/ stress/ anxiety. He wanted my entire weekends, which I was using to desperately to get caught up in work.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I am in jeopardy of losing my job. I was given an amazing reference by a highly educated woman, and in someways I feel like I was set up for failure as it is a position that even many seasoned employees would struggle with. .

 

 

BS. The above is the crux of your personal & professional struggles. You lack confidence. The woman who recommended you believed in you. She didn't set you up.

 

The ad for my 1st job said they wanted somebody with 4 years of experience or somebody with tremendous confidence. Of the people on my level, I had the least experience but made the most money. When I later asked my bosses said it was because I had the best negotiating skills & asked for more. I was 3 days on the job when I was put in a position where most people don't go in 3 years. By the time I was 25 I had done things professionally many people hadn't done by the time they are 30. I'd go to work at off-site places & run into classmates who'd greet me saying "isn't it cool that we get to watch?" I'd explain that I was the person they were here to watch. Understand I had no freaking idea what I was doing. I just kept telling myself they put me in this position so they must assume I can figure it out; so I figured it out, I had a lot of sleepless nights. I stressed but it never effected my personal relationships; it made me more confident in them too.

 

Stop whining. Pull on your big girl panties & BE the person the woman who recommended you knows you are.

 

Do your job. F the BF. Get your certificate & then go get a job you like better. You control your own destiny. Stop acting like it's in somebody else's hands.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Superchicken

Hi Blocker,

You don't have a life. You have existence.

Its only going to get worse, and if you don't make changes, and a stop to you future, you will burn up.

This is the first thing you really need to fix.

Women are nuts already :rolleyes:, and stressing yourself more, just creates a person that is losing control and any possible chance of a "Wonderful" relationship while being young..

You get old so fast, then you regret the things you didn't do..

 

 

Also a couple of things with guys. We always tell you less that what we feel, think and want.

When we say, "Just a small piece thanks", we mean "The biggest piece thanks", and don't always believe us when we tell you that we can handle just seeing you girls every now and then, or between jobs etc.

We are like the kids that say "Are we there yet" over and over.

 

 

He may have accepted the current work load you had, but of course, guys are re negotiators. Poor ones I may add, but none the less, we attempt major changes to the relationship, and yes, mostly in our favour :cool: .

I did say attempt...

 

 

Now, its not all his fault, as some of the blame also comes down to you, as two of you are needed to come to some acceptable arrangement, where he gets to be with you, and you get to work, and be with (Including relaxing) him.

 

 

Unless he's found someone else, he'll be back.

 

 

He's just a big kid, that's thrown his favourite toy across the room.:mad:

Don't worry, he'll be back, to take it back.:(

 

 

Hang in there, and look after yourself first, as no one else will.

 

 

Ted.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
BS. The above is the crux of your personal & professional struggles. You lack confidence. The woman who recommended you believed in you. She didn't set you up.

 

...

 

Stop whining. Pull on your big girl panties & BE the person the woman who recommended you knows you are.

 

Do your job. F the BF. Get your certificate & then go get a job you like better. You control your own destiny. Stop acting like it's in somebody else's hands.

 

You're correct. I should have phrased it differently. I don't think she set me up. Clearly she saw something in me and my work etc. My current boss is just having a hard time seeing it, and I AM working hard to be the person the woman recommended.

 

I worked my butt off by putting in extra hours, attending extra meetings to demonstrate my increased effort, spending personal time reading books to better areas within my career, as she suggested. I am controlling my own destiny in terms of my career.

 

But with that, came losing my boyfriend. He didn't like how he made sacrifices to move here giving up friends and family, I didn't make a sacrifice by moving out, I didn't sacrifice my job to make time for him etc., and I made those choices all for valid reasons (I believe.) He didn't seem to understand what I was going through. I think he thought I was choosing to be consumed, or making excuses. He thought I was hyper focused on my weight loss. How could I not be when my family all around me was concerned? I really felt like it was him or my career.

 

 

So two weeks of vacation wasted away. One week finally overcoming the stress of my job, getting sleep, getting caught up, getting healthy. Week two of vacation spent mourning the loss of my boyfriend. Monday I start again. Wow.

Link to post
Share on other sites
heartbrokenlady
You're correct. I should have phrased it differently. I don't think she set me up. Clearly she saw something in me and my work etc. My current boss is just having a hard time seeing it, and I AM working hard to be the person the woman recommended.

 

I worked my butt off by putting in extra hours, attending extra meetings to demonstrate my increased effort, spending personal time reading books to better areas within my career, as she suggested. I am controlling my own destiny in terms of my career.

 

But with that, came losing my boyfriend. He didn't like how he made sacrifices to move here giving up friends and family, I didn't make a sacrifice by moving out, I didn't sacrifice my job to make time for him etc., and I made those choices all for valid reasons (I believe.) He didn't seem to understand what I was going through. I think he thought I was choosing to be consumed, or making excuses. He thought I was hyper focused on my weight loss. How could I not be when my family all around me was concerned? I really felt like it was him or my career.

 

 

So two weeks of vacation wasted away. One week finally overcoming the stress of my job, getting sleep, getting caught up, getting healthy. Week two of vacation spent mourning the loss of my boyfriend. Monday I start again. Wow.

 

 

 

I’m a teacher. In the Uk where I used to work, it was an 80 hour a week job. Because my ex usd to be a teacher he understood the workload.

 

However. If your boyfriend moved to be with you, I understand him feeling so let down. He sees that he gave up a lot to be with you and you gave up nothing. He has a fair point. I understand why you were so busy... but....

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

blocker

 

Try a fake it 'til you make it approach. Act like the person your mentor thinks you are.

 

Be grateful you had the two weeks to mourn the break up. It's easier when you don't have to pull yourself together for work.

 

Breakups always hurt & I'm sorry you are in pain but if your BF couldn't be supportive during your struggle, he wasn't a very good prospect for a long term partner, now was he? You loved. You lost. Focus on your job for the rest of the year. Come summer plan a fun adventure for yourself like a beach house or something.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Why were you so against moving in to his place after 2.5 years? I mean, this man uprooted his life for you. I do agree that he should've just bitten the bullet and agreed to get a new apartment with you, but you were equally stubborn. What is it about moving in with him that you were so dead set against?

 

I don't think the issue was truly your job. Yes, that exacerbated things, but I think the key issue your ex-bf had with you was that you absolutely had to have EVERYTHING your way while he made all the compromises. You wouldn't compromise on your living situation, your location, or your work hours (granted, you probably shouldn't have compromised on the work hours, but I'm just running a tally here). He, on the other hand, left his friends and family and city to move to a woman who refused to move out of her parents' house or in with him after 2.5 years and whom he spent minimal time with.

 

I would have left too, in his position. Sorry to say.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Why were you so against moving in to his place after 2.5 years? I mean, this man uprooted his life for you. I do agree that he should've just bitten the bullet and agreed to get a new apartment with you, but you were equally stubborn. What is it about moving in with him that you were so dead set against?

 

I don't think the issue was truly your job. Yes, that exacerbated things, but I think the key issue your ex-bf had with you was that you absolutely had to have EVERYTHING your way while he made all the compromises. You wouldn't compromise on your living situation, your location, or your work hours (granted, you probably shouldn't have compromised on the work hours, but I'm just running a tally here). He, on the other hand, left his friends and family and city to move to a woman who refused to move out of her parents' house or in with him after 2.5 years and whom he spent minimal time with.

 

I would have left too, in his position. Sorry to say.

 

I was so against moving into his place 2.5 years because i went to university for 6 years, and it didn't matter WHO or WHERE i was living, I simply couldn't afford it paying off two degrees. To top it off, he was living in a super expensive place in the middle of downtown. The rent in that place, even split was something that I certainly could NOT have afforded. So the option was, "Okay, If I am going to be broke, and paying off loans, can we at least move to a place that I can afford?". He didn't want to move AGAIN to live with me, yet in a month of two he will be packing to move back home.... to live with his parents... until he is back on his feet.

 

You are correct with everything else. At the end of the day, it is really hard to balance a relationship with a person with no friends, no family, and works 4 hours a day... with a person who works 70+ hours a week, family, and friends. Honestly, if i didn't work so hard to get to where I am today, I would have been a much better partner. I had my mind set on this career for my entire life. How could I give it up for someone who couldn't help me during months of hell.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I was so against moving into his place 2.5 years because i went to university for 6 years, and it didn't matter WHO or WHERE i was living, I simply couldn't afford it paying off two degrees. To top it off, he was living in a super expensive place in the middle of downtown. The rent in that place, even split was something that I certainly could NOT have afforded. So the option was, "Okay, If I am going to be broke, and paying off loans, can we at least move to a place that I can afford?". He didn't want to move AGAIN to live with me, yet in a month of two he will be packing to move back home.... to live with his parents... until he is back on his feet.

 

Ah, okay, I did not know that he was living in a very unaffordable place. However, when you brought up the finances issue with him, what was his response? I mean, he's currently paying 100% of the rent in his place and has done so for 2.5 years. Was he not amenable to an uneven split of the rent when you moved in, considering your financial situation? It would still have been better for him all around - he still pays a little bit less and he gets to see more of you. If he wasn't amenable to that and wasn't amenable to moving to a more affordable house either - then I agree with you, he is equally at fault.

 

You are correct with everything else. At the end of the day, it is really hard to balance a relationship with a person with no friends, no family, and works 4 hours a day... with a person who works 70+ hours a week, family, and friends. Honestly, if i didn't work so hard to get to where I am today, I would have been a much better partner. I had my mind set on this career for my entire life. How could I give it up for someone who couldn't help me during months of hell.

 

I would caution you against blaming all of it on your career. As I said, I don't think the core reason for this failed relationship was your career, but rather your living situation and your (or both of your) inability to compromise with that. The work hours was just the straw that broke the camel's back. In general, if you are living together, it's much easier to carve time off a busy work schedule to spend with your partner, as opposed to if you are living separately, and ESPECIALLY if you are living with your parents (because this severely limits the time that he can spend alone with you).

 

I also do think that you should have warned him of all this BEFORE he moved. It sounds like he moved to you expecting that you would move out of your parents' place after you graduated, whereas it didn't happen. If you had made it clear up front that you intended to live with your parents for the next X years (and not just until graduation), then he could have made a much better-informed decision.

 

Finally... if you are working 70+ hrs a week AND unable to move out from your parents' house in the near future... I would gently suggest that you take a break from dating/relationships for the moment. Sometimes our living situations just aren't conducive to dating, so it would be kinder to ourselves and potential partners to not date until we are in more conducive circumstances. Once you get on your feet and are able to move out, then you can start dating again.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Ah, okay, I did not know that he was living in a very unaffordable place. However, when you brought up the finances issue with him, what was his response? I mean, he's currently paying 100% of the rent in his place and has done so for 2.5 years. Was he not amenable to an uneven split of the rent when you moved in, considering your financial situation? It would still have been better for him all around - he still pays a little bit less and he gets to see more of you. If he wasn't amenable to that and wasn't amenable to moving to a more affordable house either - then I agree with you, he is equally at fault.

 

So he actually had a roommate that was paying half the rent. He would have asked his roommate to move out. At one point, he did offer to pay a little more, however, more often then not he would argue with me about money (paying for dinner, drinks, gas, who drove more etc.) and i feared that at some point I would be in debt to him because I wasn't paying my way in terms of rent..

 

 

I also do think that you should have warned him of all this BEFORE he moved. It sounds like he moved to you expecting that you would move out of your parents' place after you graduated, whereas it didn't happen. If you had made it clear up front that you intended to live with your parents for the next X years (and not just until graduation), then he could have made a much better-informed decision
.

 

He moved to my city without even really discussing it with me. He told me he applied for a job and got it. He was only suppose to move here for 3 months on a short term contract and it kept getting extended. I was in school at the time and didn't know what a career in this field entailed. As a teacher, I started out subbing, then got a part time contract, and then got a probationary contract. There was no way of knowing what kind of money I would be making. Honestly, If i was still subbing, I would be in a much worse position in terms of money, but would have had more freedom in terms of personal time. So all in all, the decision to move wasn't all that informed to begin with, and I was in an entirely different place two years ago.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Do you think you two should not be dating each other. Relationships do not have to be hard. None of mine where, especially the one with my wife of 45 years. You say that he may be lonely because he works from home as do I, so I understand that. I can also understand why a man would not want to spend time with his girlfriend at her parent's house. That always made me uncomfortable and did not permit me to make out with my girlfriend.

 

It sounds that you both have issues and are not very compatible. I never understand why women stay with guys that they have problems with and then marry them only to complain afterwards or cheat. What you see is what you will get if you marry and if he is not someone you would marry, why waste time on him?

Link to post
Share on other sites
So he actually had a roommate that was paying half the rent. He would have asked his roommate to move out. At one point, he did offer to pay a little more, however, more often then not he would argue with me about money (paying for dinner, drinks, gas, who drove more etc.) and i feared that at some point I would be in debt to him because I wasn't paying my way in terms of rent..

 

He moved to my city without even really discussing it with me. He told me he applied for a job and got it. He was only suppose to move here for 3 months on a short term contract and it kept getting extended. I was in school at the time and didn't know what a career in this field entailed. As a teacher, I started out subbing, then got a part time contract, and then got a probationary contract. There was no way of knowing what kind of money I would be making. Honestly, If i was still subbing, I would be in a much worse position in terms of money, but would have had more freedom in terms of personal time. So all in all, the decision to move wasn't all that informed to begin with, and I was in an entirely different place two years ago.

 

In that case, he definitely sounds equally culpable for the end of your relationship. It also sounds like he isn't a particularly good partner, so it might have been for the best for both of you to part ways.

 

Anyway, to answer your question in your opening post, I don't think your job in and of itself would "prevent you from ever finding love". My SO works 60-70 hrs/week and has done so ever since he graduated. However, your combination of job plus living with your parents would certainly pose some difficulties, as the only way you and your partner could have quality alone-time would be for you to travel to their house (which would obviously be extremely difficult for you to do regularly).

 

When you move out from your parents' place, I'm sure you can find a man who is more compatible with you and who doesn't mind your job.

Link to post
Share on other sites

When I was younger I lost someone I viewed as my soul mate because I put my education first.

 

Please don’t be this fool. Because this happened when I was 21. I’m 25 now and I’m still seething at my self. He was the one that got away.

Career education is replaceable love and people aren’t

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

So boyfriend of 2 years broke up with me basically because I didn't have time for him because of my career, and stressed caused by it. You can read about it in my other threads.

 

On his xmas I sent Merry Christmas on Jan 7th, and did not receive a response. This was 7 days after we broke up. I also sent a message describing something I realized about myself on January 6th. I should mention that I didn't expect a response and I didn't get one. I just wanted to get what I had to say and get it off my chest and then be done with it.

 

Two days later, at 1am he sent a text message saying "I miss you." I then noticed that he had gone on my instagram and liked my most recent post. He never uses instragram... I was pretty surprised by this message, and I responded back in the morning with is "is everything okay?" The entire day went by and I didn't receive a response. I was incredibly bothered by the fact that he sent a message, and then decided to go back NC. I sent another message explaining that I was pretty upset by the fact that he would send a message, and then refuse to respond. He replied right away saying, "I am okay. I just don't want to talk." I then said "why did you message me then?" and he replied "I don't know, i'm sorry, i shouldn't have". I responded telling him that I think if he is going to message me things like that, and then ghost, that he should delete my number and remove me off instagram. He replied saying that he didn't ghost, and that he has been very busy, and he doesn't think extended conversations are a good idea, as it prolongs our healing. He also doesn't want to keep talking to me until i find a new boyfriend when then the conversation would just immediately stop. My response was that in my earlier texts i didn't expect a response, but with this last one I was worried and wanted to make sure he was okay. I then said stay strong xx". I totally understand what he is saying about not talking to one another.

 

I still care about my ex. I know that the relationship had its downs, and my career was a big reason for it. However, I feel like after he told me he missed me, it really really pushed me back in my healing. I can't get past the fact that had he just stuck this hard time out with me, things could have potentially worked. Why did he message me! Why did he then refuse to respond to my message!

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
He broke NC? Didn’t you message him first?

 

Why haven’t you blocked him?

 

Yeah. I guess I broke NC, but i was referring to the fact that he was so strong, and then decided to send a message then breaking his NC streak.

 

I haven't blocked him because I was broken up with. I still care about him, and although our relationship ended and he didn't support me, I don't have an ill feelings towards him.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
You aren't NC. Why keep throwing out breadcrumbs?

 

I did say I broke NC. My post is more about his actions and not mine.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I did say I broke NC. My post is more about his actions and not mine.

 

Admittedly, I didn't look at your other threads, I just read your original post, here.

 

It's a very, very common scenario what your ex did...sending a response message and then 5 minutes later regretting re-opening contact.

 

"It seemed like a good idea to respond!" at the time...and a minute later the regret of sending the message sets in. I think he realized replying to you was a mistake.

 

He isn't messing with your head. The truth is his own headspace isn't in the best state-of-mind right now, being fresh out of a breakup and all.

Edited by magnesium
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Admittedly, I didn't look at your other threads, I just read your original post, here.

 

It's a very, very common scenario what your ex did...sending a response message and then 5 minutes later regretting re-opening contact.

 

"It seemed like a good idea to respond!" at the time...and a minute later the regret of sending the message sets in. I think he realized replying to you was a mistake.

 

He isn't messing with your head. The truth is his own headspace isn't in the best state-of-mind right now, being fresh out of a breakup and all.

 

 

He broke up with me. He broke up with me during a time when I was on the verge of losing my job, and suffering in terms of stress and anxiety caused by my job. He knows the state of mind I was in, and then added to that by breaking up with me...... He was never one to really text. He was super strong in avoiding my original text messages. It felt as almost as if it was a game to him...

Link to post
Share on other sites
He broke up with me. He broke up with me during a time when I was on the verge of losing my job, and suffering in terms of stress and anxiety caused by my job. He knows the state of mind I was in, and then added to that by breaking up with me...... He was never one to really text. He was super strong in avoiding my original text messages. It felt as almost as if it was a game to him...

 

I want you to re-read your own statement. Did you ever consider maybe this actually was a game too him?

 

Maybe he was with you not because of who you are...but he was with you for what you could provide for him...

 

I hope you can see the selfishness of your ex at play here. Maybe your ex isn't who you thought he was, but now, fortunately, you are starting too see what kind of leech...I meant person...he really is.

Edited by magnesium
Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...