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DontBreakEven

Recently something ended for me. Something that never even really began, only went on for about 7 weeks in total, and 2 weeks in person (for various space and time reasons). And though I can't even take it personal because this woman has stated time and time again that she is just kind of robotic emotionally and does not hardly ever verbally affirm emotion, I'm still pretty torn up over the whole thing.

 

Anyway, the text in question is as follows:

 

She is leaving for 2 months for a work trip, had to leave earlier than planned actually, so our in-person time was cut way short, and I say, "I'll miss you".

 

She responds, "I'm sorry I'll miss out on some of the wishful plans we were making. I know it's probably disappointing to you. And yea I wish I had more time to stay here and spend time together and see how it goes. It's been nice. Confusing sometimes haha. But I've really enjoyed getting to know you."

 

I'm not even going to state what I think of that response because I'm curious how others would react.

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It was a polite but cool response. If she characterizes herself as an emotional robot, that was probably going out on a limb for her.

 

If you like her & want to build something with her, you will have to be patient & take the time to get through her ice walls, which will be complicated by her work trip.

 

It's really not a horrible response. Yes, it would be nice if it were warmer & more mirrored your deepening feelings but since she started from an emotionally closed off place, it's not a death knell unless you make it one.

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DontBreakEven

That's a good point D0nnivain.

 

Honestly, it's been like this with her from the beginning.

 

I responded with "yea". And she then said "Hey. I like you". (Which supposedly took a lot of courage for her to say). I guess I said the wrong thing because I then said, "I don't know what that means to you". Because I don't. Like, yes, she's closed off beyond belief and I have no idea where I stand, ever. Doesn't bode well for someone with anxiety, and we aren't dating, just "talking", so like I don't know where I stand when she leaves the country for work. Anyway, she got very angry at my response and hence why this is most likely ending because this all happened on her last night here. She said it took courage for her to say that and give me a more explicit response that she "knew I was wanting", and I somehow turned it into a negative.

 

I know that you mentioned patience. I've tried. I really have. What ends up happening is that I try for a while, and then after like a week I blow up because I feel like I am being emotionally starved. I hate myself for making this a death knell, but I also have to acknowledge the fact that I know myself and my needs/wants in a relationship or even just dating.

 

I really wish I could be calm and cool and somewhat robotic so that I could be with someone like her, because yes, I have feelings for her. But I am the antithesis of that, and it's upsetting me now because it's ruining things, which is in turn causing me to turn this whole situation inward and blame myself. :(

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You think you have been "really patient." I think you have only been dating for 7 weeks. Not even two months. You are moving at lightening speed with a woman who has repeatedly told you she'd closed off. Compatibility is an issue here. I think you are pushing things at an unreasonable rate, even for somebody who is not emotionally closed off. I suggest you slow down & learn to build a solid foundation.

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DontBreakEven

I find it interesting that you feel a lightening speed is wanting some verbal confirmation from someone I've been sleeping with, that I will be putting forth the energy to maintain some sort of "talking to" for 2 months while she's overseas ... just wanting some verbal affirmation that she will miss me.

 

I simply want her to let me know where I stand prior to investing in a 2 month distance "talking" phase. Is that lightening fast?

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Assurance that she will remain in contact is not too fast or too much. However I got the impression that you wanted more of a commitment from her.

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DontBreakEven

Apologies if I wasn't clear. I didn't ask for a commitment from her. At all. I just asked for a small amount of verbal affirmation to kind let me know where I stood, where the whole thing stood, before I put my energy into 2 more months of distance/crazy time zones. I simply wanted to hear something like "I will miss you too", which was just too much to ask for, apparently.

 

Even in her text she says "I know it must have disappointed you" that our time was cut short ... that rubbed me so odd. Disappointed ME? Couldn't tell me she'd miss me and apparently it was only I that was disappointed with the lack of time we got together.

 

Those things made me feel like I was wasting my time. I try to be patient, but I also deserve more than breadcrumbs.

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So you agree it seems pretty cold?

 

Her message doesn't really have any feeling and like shes trying to keep the relationship going. If you just disappear it will look more alpha and possibly make her question everything. There is also a factor of her leaving which doesn't help the situation and by not responding, in the very least, you leave with dignity and high value. Just my two cents.

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BarbedFenceRider

^^^Bingo. You really like her, I get it. Sex is awesome, but thats it. You are the proverbial sex toy. There maybe others as well...And you know this. I would compartmentalize and keep it right where it belongs no more, no less. Be aloof and don't bring any emotion into it. Then you need to be looking elsewhere for "reality". She sees you with other women that will open up and are more "fun", the game begins. OR she is mentally not all there and she quietly disappears. Either way, your happier and fulfilled.

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todreaminblue

affirmation is a love language..that she doesnt have yet....she doesnt want you to be disappointed.....love languages like any language can grow.....between two people....and become a language that is unique between the couple

 

its like two people coming together speaking different languages...there are some threads that are the same but other times words get lost in translation...i have dated two guys who didnt speak english well at all.......and it was often funny..but we managed to communicate....

 

 

.we had a common language we spoke really well together and i would like to feel that they learned from me as much as i learned from them...

 

some languages are universal when you whisper them in someones ear with soft warm lips

 

 

..this is actually a chance for you to grow and for her...if you take that curve ball......and it will take patience...is she worth it or can you walk away easily? if you can walk away or feel you want to ...then its time that you did...she has been honest with you....so be honest with her.,......deb

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DontBreakEven
affirmation is a love language..that she doesnt have yet....she doesnt want you to be disappointed.....love languages like any language can grow.....between two people....and become a language that is unique between the couple

 

its like two people coming together speaking different languages...there are some threads that are the same but other times words get lost in translation...i have dated two guys who didnt speak english well at all.......and it was often funny..but we managed to communicate....

 

 

.we had a common language we spoke really well together and i would like to feel that they learned from me as much as i learned from them...

 

some languages are universal when you whisper them in someones ear with soft warm lips

 

 

..this is actually a chance for you to grow and for her...if you take that curve ball......and it will take patience...is she worth it or can you walk away easily? if you can walk away or feel you want to ...then its time that you did...she has been honest with you....so be honest with her.,......deb

 

I'm glad you brought this up. I brought up love languages to her. She had never heard of them and my #1 by far is affirmations. She basically told me "oh well that will be a giant problem with me". We then went on and she brought it up a few more times, once saying that mayyyyybeee if she were in a long term serious relationship she would work to speak their love language. But she also said that she is the way she is and 90% of the time she won't say things .. no matter if she were dating, engaged, married, or on her deathbed .. it's just a rarity for her to show outward affection in that way.

 

So, she won't work on it for just a beginning dating scenario. Which leaves me wondering how it would progress to a point where she would ... it wouldn't, because I can't live like that. With someone who just says I should know they feel a certain way, and I that would once I know the person really well. I mean can you imagine being with someone who only told you they loved you or missed you once in a blue moon?

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todreaminblue
I'm glad you brought this up. I brought up love languages to her. She had never heard of them and my #1 by far is affirmations. She basically told me "oh well that will be a giant problem with me". We then went on and she brought it up a few more times, once saying that mayyyyybeee if she were in a long term serious relationship she would work to speak their love language. But she also said that she is the way she is and 90% of the time she won't say things .. no matter if she were dating, engaged, married, or on her deathbed .. it's just a rarity for her to show outward affection in that way.

 

So, she won't work on it for just a beginning dating scenario. Which leaves me wondering how it would progress to a point where she would ... it wouldn't, because I can't live like that. With someone who just says I should know they feel a certain way, and I that would once I know the person really well. I mean can you imagine being with someone who only told you they loved you or missed you once in a blue moon?

 

 

no i couldnt imagine being with a person who didnt tell me they loved me...affirmations is big for me i was with a man for fifteen years who was not big on affirmations in the beginning he was extremely word shy....it is however my love language... i am a poet..or should i say try to be a poet.....smilin....so this might sound sneaky but this is how i handled a guy who wasnt big on affirmations......i would say ...so tell me you love me.....or no deb time for you.....his was a physical language....touch.....deb time was special time me and him ....i am a multiple personality so I about fit all the love languages...lol.......eventually i didnt have to ask at all.....and he would send songs to me......that expressed how he felt....in words and music.......he eventually loved affirmation because i would write poetry for him and he told me he hated poetry but mine was the only poetry he enjoyed.....mainly because it was all about him ....:)) and touch......I could make him feel my words......and later....i showed him the words how they felt.....for real....

 

this language of mine is adjustable....to suit my guy i am with..i will always adjust and adapt.....and i will always be honest with what i need....you can do this

 

where there's a will there's a way and if you truly care about someone .....you will work it out....the love however...has to be mutual....and you can grow together to work out compromises and a language that is yours together........deb

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todreaminblue
I'm glad you brought this up. I brought up love languages to her. She had never heard of them and my #1 by far is affirmations. She basically told me "oh well that will be a giant problem with me". We then went on and she brought it up a few more times, once saying that mayyyyybeee if she were in a long term serious relationship she would work to speak their love language. But she also said that she is the way she is and 90% of the time she won't say things .. no matter if she were dating, engaged, married, or on her deathbed .. it's just a rarity for her to show outward affection in that way.

 

So, she won't work on it for just a beginning dating scenario. Which leaves me wondering how it would progress to a point where she would ... it wouldn't, because I can't live like that. With someone who just says I should know they feel a certain way, and I that would once I know the person really well. I mean can you imagine being with someone who only told you they loved you or missed you once in a blue moon?

 

 

no i couldnt imagine being with a person who didnt tell me they loved me...affirmations is big for me i was with a man for fiteen years who was not big on affirmations....it is my love language i am a poet..or should i say try to be a poet.....smilin....so this might sound sneaky but this is how i handled a guy who wasnt big on affirmations......i would say ...so tell me you love me.....or no deb time for you.....his was a physical language....touch.....deb time was special time me and him ....i am a multiple personality so I about fit all the love languages...lol.......eventually i didnt have to ask at all.....and he would send songs to me......that expressed how he felt....in words and music.......he eventually loved affirmation because i would write poetry for him and he told me he hated poetry but mine was the only poetry he enjoyed.....mainly because it was all about him ....:)) and touch......I could make him feel my words......and later....i showed him the words how they felt.....for real....

 

this language of mine is adjustable....to suit my guy i am with..i will alway adjust.....and i will always be honest with what i need....you can do this

 

where there's a will theres a way and if you truly care about someone .....you will work it out....the love however...has to be mutual....and you can grow together to work out compromises and a language that is yours together....

 

 

you cant really drop a love language...but you can adopt them...it really does need to be a union of languages...you can make languages compliment each other too.......deb

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I would have replied back, "Well, get in touch with me when you get back and you can continue enjoying getting to know me." But I'm a goofball like that.

 

Your reply to her telling you that she likes you would have upset me, too, if I were her. I guess it's like how you felt when you told her you'll miss her and instead of getting back an "I'll miss you, too" you got back something else.

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I simply want her to let me know where I stand prior to investing in a 2 month distance "talking" phase. Is that lightening fast?

 

You want her to text you,"Me love you very long time!". :p

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Even in her text she says "I know it must have disappointed you" that our time was cut short ... that rubbed me so odd. Disappointed ME? Couldn't tell me she'd miss me and apparently it was only I that was disappointed with the lack of time we got together.

 

That's just the way she is. That's how she knows how to communicate. I guess you could try to lecture her on how to communicate the way you want her to -- though I don't think that will go over too well.

 

You have two options. Learn how to not let it rub you the wrong way or just dont take her too seriously until she starts to show more emotion in her communication with you.

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DontBreakEven
That's just the way she is. That's how she knows how to communicate. I guess you could try to lecture her on how to communicate the way you want her to -- though I don't think that will go over too well.

 

You have two options. Learn how to not let it rub you the wrong way or just dont take her too seriously until she starts to show more emotion in her communication with you.

 

I think I'm going to do the latter. I'm tired of pouring emotion into this robotic like "relationship". I'll just talk to her about the brainiac stuff she likes to talk about, and find my emotion elsewhere - until she states she wants otherwise.

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I think I'm going to do the latter. I'm tired of pouring emotion into this robotic like "relationship". I'll just talk to her about the brainiac stuff she likes to talk about, and find my emotion elsewhere - until she states she wants otherwise.

 

I think that's a very good idea. Quite frankly, if that text you posted is word for word what she wrote -- that really does not sound like a woman that has feelings for you.

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DontBreakEven
I think that's a very good idea. Quite frankly, if that text you posted is word for word what she wrote -- that really does not sound like a woman that has feelings for you.

 

It is word for word what she wrote. And then we spent the evening fighting about it because she found my response to be unpleasant.

 

Honestly after all I did for her in the time she was in town, I personally resent the way that she speaks to me. Not only does she not give me the slightest bit of affirmation, she makes me feel crazy for wanting it.

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You want something that she "wants" to give, but finds it very hard to give. She want you to accept her as she is, something you find it hard to do.

 

Sounds like a potential for a long long perfect relationship :-) This "gap" between you two is the recepie for eternal happiness. As long as no one will ever give up the hope to change the other.

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It is word for word what she wrote. And then we spent the evening fighting about it because she found my response to be unpleasant.

 

Honestly after all I did for her in the time she was in town, I personally resent the way that she speaks to me. Not only does she not give me the slightest bit of affirmation, she makes me feel crazy for wanting it.

 

You are fighting with a woman you have dated for 7 weeks over a text? Cool. Anyways, which part of "it doesn't sound like this woman likes you" did you not get?

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DontBreakEven
You are fighting with a woman you have dated for 7 weeks over a text? Cool. Anyways, which part of "it doesn't sound like this woman likes you" did you not get?

 

I don't think you need to be snarky ... I do get it.

 

Which is all the more frustrating when the next text from her after what she wrote was, "I like you."

 

Now do you understand what part I DON'T get?

 

Trust me, I got from the original text that she is not into me. It was the subsequent text and my response to it that spawned a fight (yes, after 7 weeks). I'm confused as all hell.

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I don't think you need to be snarky ... I do get it.

 

Which is all the more frustrating when the next text from her after what she wrote was, "I like you."

 

Now do you understand what part I DON'T get?

 

Trust me, I got from the original text that she is not into me. It was the subsequent text and my response to it that spawned a fight (yes, after 7 weeks). I'm confused as all hell.

 

she didn't like it that you called her out. essentially, you saw through her text and she didn't like it.

 

your other option was to just swallow the first text and let her maybe think you were to stupid to figure out that she doesn't really care.

 

I actually think you did the right thing in some ways. Ok, maybe you could have worded your response differently but saying nothing would have been pretty bad as well.

 

I was in a similar situation a few months back. Dated a girl for about a month, she decided to end it. I gave her a big piece of my mind right after she dumped me by text. It was actually the best thing I did and something I haven't done in the past.

 

4 or 5 months later, she was trying to reconnect. I decided I would finally entertain her and we had a quick chat. She told me she felt "burnt" by my reaction to the breakup and it was bothering her.

 

So there you go ... interesting that sometimes speaking your mind can sometimes be perceived as being attractive behavior. It just depends.

 

Just for the record, the second that girl told me why she contacted me, I said "catch ya later" and disappeared. She told me every other ex of her's, she found a way to be on good terms with them.

 

Too bad, so sad ..... coz i aint interested :)

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