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No Contact or Friends? 27F broke up with 30M


Breaks and Breaking Up It happens to most everyone at some point in life! Share your experiences!

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Old 10th December 2017, 3:54 AM   #16
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She doesn't get to chose what parts of you she wants, especially when she's gone about it in a way that is so disrespectful and inconsiderate to you.
I feel she felt pressured to have children by the IVF doctors, society and myself. I was in denial about her diagnosis for a time and kept going on about the options.

I guess she came to the realisation maybe she did not want to have kids and hey I'm with someone who is pinning hopes of the future on someone who is.The determination that we are not long term compatible, we are not going to get married, maybe I should find another guy.

I did go on about it a lot so maybe she felt like she was brainwashed but it was also me coping with such a traumatic diagnosis and being in denial.

Now that she has left I have re-evaluated whether I want to have kids, and the fact is I'm not sure myself anymore after what happened.

What is clear though is that I miss her and still love her.

If she does think I was too full on and heavy and not for her would there be any chance of a friendship if I could show her I had changed?

Or will she look back on our relationship as being with someone who was just projecting all these hopes and dreams for the future on to her without actually loving her?

I do miss sharing time with her, I realise now how full on I was about having kids and everything.

Last edited by ConfusedLuke; 10th December 2017 at 4:27 AM..
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Old 10th December 2017, 11:56 AM   #17
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I get that you're still in the denial stage, but she's not some mindless zombie who found herself in the arms of another man against her will. She made that choice. You can't explain that away and try to somehow absolve her of any responsibility for her own behavior.
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Old 10th December 2017, 1:24 PM   #18
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You are putting yourself down. You are menosprezing yourself telling things like "i'm not a good match" and so on. She started to flirt with another guy while with you. She broke entire trust between you two and you only want her now cause you still love her. You don't want to be a doormat, but that is what she is doing with you.
You are in denial like other users said here, so you need to belive in that: She flirt while with you and you are no longer together. You want to be her bf and she want to keep you around, maybe not even as a true friend. You are no friend and there is no such thing while some of you hold some love, and you are in love.
You really need to go full NC, need to improve yourself, need to remove any hope from your heart and need to move on. You have no relation with that girl right now and you have to accept that. IF she want to be with you again she will let you know, but you traying so hard to keep around her will bring nothing to you, only pain and misery... Belive in it.
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Old 11th December 2017, 8:04 AM   #19
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I get that you're still in the denial stage, but she's not some mindless zombie who found herself in the arms of another man against her will. She made that choice. You can't explain that away and try to somehow absolve her of any responsibility for her own behavior.
You're right and I doubt she even wants to be friends anymore if the new guy is going strong after a few weeks.

I will still write her a compassionate 'friendship' letter, more as closure for myself. I don't have egoistic tendencies but I would feel better with myself if I put out the olive branch in the hope of friendship.

If she knocks it back I will be bruised, but then it would be the final insult and I guess I could go through anger at her to eventual acceptance that we may no longer have each other in our lives (despite the decade we spent with one another and no reasons to despise each other in that time).

It's weird the things you miss. I feel like I'm odd; but just the crackle in her voice, the aroma of her clothes and the way she used to flare her nostrils at me laughing.

It's strange what my body has done too. On top of not sleeping I am unable to eat much, I have forced myself protein drinks and my mind can't concentrate on anything it's like this cloud in my head while I feel nauseous.

I have vomited (and other things). I have cried but not for hours on end, most of the time though it is just crouching in my apartment. I find I can't concentrate on things like TV or a book and even when I try and have a bath and be silent thoughts of her are there so it gets unbearable. I get tremors and at work have to get up and pace every fifteen to thirty minutes (I have a desk job) for a bit. I try and listen to music but then it reminds me of us listening to it and her laughing at my dancing. Everything seems wrong.

I have just been taking nausea medication and sleeping pills to get me through, not to sound like a pathetic man but it's pretty tough. I had no idea I had the capacity to endure this misery, it feels worse than when I was struck with blinding fever and placed in hospital for two weeks when I was ten.

Through all this I know she is off having fun which although I love her and want the best for her makes me feel so isolated so quickly (like she is not even going through it with me but apart - not that I would really wish this on her). I felt so deeply valued by her in our relationship, at times I felt she was the only one who believed in me and now she's gone it's all a struggle. Anyway now I'm rambling.

BTW that horrible song 'Breakeven' came on this morning while I was getting my morning coffee. That moment, with every one chatting around me, thinking of facing another entire day at work going through the same trauma was possibly the lowest point. Even compared to the other things like vomiting which makes me feel better, the headaches are horrible but they are dull. In that moment I just felt this hollowness, like I was nothing.

The best part of the day is knocking myself out with the sleeping pills but I've been having dreams of her and when I wake it's like a nightmare not seeing her lying there next to me.

It sounds dramatic but life is kind of like that right now :/

Last edited by ConfusedLuke; 11th December 2017 at 8:35 AM..
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Old 11th December 2017, 9:06 AM   #20
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Pull yourself together. If you think your ramblings are making you remotely attractive to her then you are massively deluded. Compassionate friendship letter.. deary me!!!
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Old 11th December 2017, 9:10 AM   #21
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Pull yourself together. If you think your ramblings are making you remotely attractive to her then you are massively deluded. Compassionate friendship letter.. deary me!!!
Nah man not in the letter, it will be more like.

"It was a shock seeing you out the other night with this new guy, I have been forced into looking at you as a friend, let's just remember the good times we shared like (give examples of us traveling Australia and the time X happened) and catch up soon."

But with a little more detail y'know, of course I'm not going on with that drivel in the letter. She doesn't want that pathetic emotional overload now she's with this new guy I get it. I was just posting what I have been experiencing on here if any one else can relate. The physical effects of this is what has really made me go WTF and mental as well, I never knew my mind could be so... What's that Pixies song?

Last edited by ConfusedLuke; 11th December 2017 at 9:17 AM..
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Old 11th December 2017, 9:22 AM   #22
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Great song Luke but donít send the letter. It will reveal how weak you really are (at the moment!!!) just hold off sending the letter for a week, see how you feel then..
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Old 11th December 2017, 10:46 AM   #23
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Bro this woman doesn't give a crap about you. And the next time a woman try's to play a game like that, you don't put up with it for an instant. You confront that **** verbally and civilly and tell them good ****ing luck as you smile and walk away. She's being used, cut her out of her life.
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Old 11th December 2017, 12:41 PM   #24
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Sending her a letter or anything like that right now is one of the dumbest things you can do. Trust me. Write, then stash it away and pray to god she never sees it.
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Old 11th December 2017, 2:00 PM   #25
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Do not send her a letter. Write down what you want to say and stash it away and then look at it a month down the road. You'll be happy you didn't send it. Very few situations is it okay to send. Yours isn't one of them. You cannot be just friends right now so don't try to put yourself in the spot. She's with another guy. It is disrespectful to yourself to stay in contact. Cut the cord now and maybe way down the road she comes back regretting it or maybe you can be friends, but not right now. Staying in contact in this situation is the worst thing you could do.
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Old 11th December 2017, 6:48 PM   #26
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Hey OP,

I am exactly in the same situation. Did you guys ever talk about the doubts, or loss in romance?

My EX didnt warn me - or show her frustration. I was too busy and stressed - thought we were okay and boom she left me for her classmate.

Did I **** up by not creating that sense of spark?
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Old 12th December 2017, 7:50 AM   #27
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Hey OP,

I am exactly in the same situation. Did you guys ever talk about the doubts, or loss in romance?

My EX didnt warn me - or show her frustration. I was too busy and stressed - thought we were okay and boom she left me for her classmate.

Did I **** up by not creating that sense of spark?
No although I do recall her asking questions now which stand out (like why didn't you keep in contact with any of your exes when you were at school?), it was kind of this slide into dispassionate domesticity. I thought the break up sex may have made her see that we still had chemistry there but her mind was made up. I'm really sad as I thought we could grow more together as partners as we had already been through hell.

I think she felt pressured by me and whilst I accept some of the blame, it was pressure that was being caused by things beyond both ours control. We both went through the biggest blow when we found out she probably couldn't have kids.

But there was a small chance at the time and the doctors, counsellors and even herbalists were saying 'There's no perfect time to have kids'.

We both weren't ready though (only in our twenties and starting study and careers) and she was feeling bad. I didn't understand how bad though until she left then I realised that the most important thing in life is to share it with someone you love, not conform to the notion of 'kids and a house'.

I don't even know if I want kids anymore, all I know is I miss her and she's being intimate with some other dude. It is really sad, but good for her in a way she is finding some happiness with someone else - I just thought once we got through this we could both find it together because 'love' y'know.

Last edited by ConfusedLuke; 12th December 2017 at 7:53 AM..
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Old 13th December 2017, 8:26 AM   #28
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UPDATE: Sent email letter today (about a week of NC after seeing them in the club PDAing - one page word doc) she thanked me for it an hour later via. email, then rang me six hours later from her mother's phone.

We had about a half hour conversation saying she 'Can't remember how happy she has been' with this new guy and that she 'Likes him very much'. I told her "Good!" Then she asked: "Aren't you hurt?" I said "Of course I want to be with you but I have compassion for the situation that we were in and I'm glad you're enjoying herself". I asked her if she still wanted to be friends she said she 'wasn't sure'.

It's Christmas coming up and her family is like my family. I'm not going to get in the way of the ex's fresh relationship so I'll just leave a card and a present for the mother who said my ex 'could do better'. She asked for her charger and memory card back so I'll give that back next week (I told her I was busy but I'll get around to it).

"Kill 'em with kindness" may not be an effective way of getting your ex back but hell if I'm going to be jealous of the new guy or pretend the person I was going to marry (who I was with for nearly a decade) and her family just somehow don't exist.

She might be unsure whether she wants to remain friends, or whether she misses me at all, but I can at least with myself if I make my position known (one of respect and compassion) and let it be.

If she wants to ignore me, scapegoat me as this bad ex who wasn't loving enough and pretend that I'm a mouldy rag to be thrown away in 'the past' then fine, but I've done all I can to be civil throughout this... It's more than being 'civil' of course (I still love her) but I'm not going to pursue her or get angry if she's off with this other guy (a week after breaking up with me) and doesn't want me around anymore.

I could understand this attitude if we went out for a few months, if I cheated or hit her etc. but we had a very domesticated relationship. Sure there was lots of bickering and unpleasantness but I felt we still got each other (obviously she checked out 'subconsciously' though texting this guy who made her laugh).

I feel like I'm mourning more the loss of a great friend, than a lover now.

At least I can live with myself, and while that does not keep me warm at night it's of some comfort at least than being stubbornly 'no contact' which may work for STRs and others here but for relationships going on ten years that have just 'grown apart' I find it somewhat dramatic - unless there is blatant sabotage, or awkwardness by the ex towards the significant other I still feel we could be friends (or at least try for a while).

While I want to be back with her, if she thinks he's a better match for her good for her. I'm not going to speculate on the chances of it working out with them.

I still want to share old stories, jokes and grow old knowing her as a friend, even if we couldn't make it work.

But it's her decision now, she'll probably string me along until after Christmas thinking she is still considering being 'friends' with me...

Then if it is still going strong with the new guy they could this really official (probably in the new year) she will probably go NC. Even if I think we could make it work as friends and that's what she proposed during our break up (she was in tears when I said I wasn't sure if I could be friends with her after this as it would hurt to see her with someone else).

If that's the way she wants to live then what will be will be but I won't be looking back in regret thinking there was anything else I could do.

I will always care about her, but yeah her loss.

Last edited by ConfusedLuke; 13th December 2017 at 8:48 AM..
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Old 13th December 2017, 8:54 AM   #29
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Has to be a troll.. surely? Buying your ex a Christmas present when she is in a new relationship?

Serious question - are you a cuck? If so your post would make sense. (No Iím not being rude, some guys are into this stuff!)
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Old 13th December 2017, 8:59 AM   #30
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Has to be a troll.. surely? Buying your ex a Christmas present when she is in a new relationship?

Serious question - are you a cuck? If so your post would make sense. (No Iím not being rude, some guys are into this stuff!)
Nah not a cuck. Just a 'confused Luke', but tbh I don't have time for bitterness or pretending like I pretend I don't care. It's not like I'm going to be dropping flowers on her doorstep.

Her family has been there for me (even if the mother thinks 'she can do better') and even though they may take it as a perverse gesture it goes against their impression of me (that I would just gut react - be mad or sulk).

Christmas may be an excuse but what better time, eh? (or worse)

I also found out she was confused over the text I sent a few hours before I went to the Latin night, even though I was quite clear in it that I was thinking of going out 'tonight' to the bar she somehow took it as 'next week'.

So perhaps they weren't expecting me (maybe she isn't as cold as I thought)

I told her today I wouldn't be going to future ones so I wouldn't disturb them again.

Last edited by ConfusedLuke; 13th December 2017 at 9:13 AM..
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