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No Contact or Friends? 27F broke up with 30M


Breaks and Breaking Up It happens to most everyone at some point in life! Share your experiences!

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Old 7th February 2018, 7:47 AM   #196
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Hi Luke, Just been reading your thread. I think just like everyone else you are doing yourself more harm than good.

If you EVER want to get your ex back you have to cut contact, you need to leave your ex to it, You being around all the time and being nice with her will be pushing her further away 100%!

I'm in a very similar situation. My girlfriend of 8 years left me for someone else(a girl) and i dont have any friends or anyone to talk to. I pleaded with her for the first week, and sent a few angry messages. But i have let her know i will not be her friend, and that i am disgusted in what she has done and how she has treated me.

Funny thing is, she believes in her head she has done nothing wrong... and i have no right to be angry.

At the end of the day Luke, you absolutely should be angry with her, After what she has done, and how easily she has done it... You owe her ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. And you are making your self look more and more pathetic to her with every message and every bit of contact you have with her.

From here on out, do not Send her any messages, do not give her any money, do not let her find out what you are up to, or how you are coping, keep her guessing. Cut all ties and contact, not only with her but her family. Start your own life... just like me, 9 weeks on from the break up i still dont have a friend.. But i am getting closer i am working on myself and becoming a better man.

Both our girlfriends know we love them, but they need to know we are not a back up, or a doormat. IF they want us back they need to work for us, we are not going to go back to them easily after what they have done they must WORK HARD to get us back. And if they dont? Well... We are both better off on our own i am 100% certain both of us will come out of this in a better position then our ex's in the end, whether or not they come back to us... This might not seem like it now, or maybe not even in another two months. But eventually WE WILL pick ourselves up and move on to bigger and better things, and THEY WILL notice eventually.

Its not easy Luke, every day is a battle! Like you my ex is in my head from the moment i wake, to the moment i go to bed. You cannot do anything to change her mind. You have to let them decide if it was a mistake, and she will keep believing she made the right choice if we both act needy and if she thinks you will always be around.
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Old 7th February 2018, 7:53 AM   #197
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Originally Posted by HumanMachine View Post
How hasn’t this given you motivation to find your own group of friends? Relying on your ex’s family for support is incredibly sad..

From what I’ve seen Luke you’ve been way too needy and relied far too much on your ex and her family, this is what has pushed her away. You’ll justify it and argue that she will come back and blah blah but nope, this is how it is. Become a more attractive prospect.
She was probably right in some ways about 'finding your own support network' (these were words used that took me off guard) or group of friends but facts are I lost touch with a lot of the people I went to school with (which I would now never try and foist a false relationship with whom because most are having families and I haven't seen them in a decade and I was never really tight friends with anyone in particular because of going to different schools, could you imagine the 'sup these days?' creepy message on facebook, especially since I went to single sex schools that would be ****ing strange).

I left and went on with studies. I also shifted around schools because I was on a scholarship but I hated living on school grounds so left to another school but that was too expensive so eventually graduated in a state school (where I was a state level athlete, awarded public speaker, top 5% leaving marks etc. etc.)

But after I left school things were different studying my degree, I didn't share much in common with my international classmates and I was spending most of my time with her or looking after my grandmother and then crap hit the fan with my mother and stability and all that.

Nurturing friendships, keeping in touch and 'networking' seemed superficial and I already had a devoted partner and what little family I had left to look after. Now I am truly screwed because I just pictured a future with her, I never considered her ever leaving.

This guy is fairly opposite in that regard; he's mister popular (judging by what he's publicly shared on his facebook profile) getting hundred+ likes from his friends back home for sharing a heartfelt post, or random spanish memes.

I can't even remember what brought me happiness before she came into my life. Going down the beach and bodysurfing, crap like that. Exercise is good but it's a bandaid fix and even when I'm doing laps in the ocean my mind is on her.

Last edited by ConfusedLuke; 7th February 2018 at 8:03 AM..
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Old 7th February 2018, 8:56 AM   #198
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Luke, I have one friend. I used to run with a big group of friends and then after the end of my 8 year relationship, I realized how much the group had grown apart. Now, almost all of them are married and/or have kids. And though I will always love them, I don't have any desire to rekindle that strong bond with them.


My dad was my best friend and he passed away. My mom is so into herself that I am not an option to her. My brother is an alcoholic that I see once a year. That is the extent of my family.


I say all of this to say that you can either feel sorry for yourself, or you can adjust. At one point, I was feeling a bit panicky about not having friends and I joined "meetup" to find persons with similar interests, and that was good for the time. That kinda faded. Then I found that I enjoy being by myself. I am not saying everyone will, as I seem to enjoy it more than most.


YOU HAVE TO MAKE A PLAN THAT WILL ENABLE YOU TO MOVE FORWARD!! Each time posters tell you their advice, you negate it, with a "but... it was just circumstantial"... this frame of thought will not move you forward. You are grasping at the proverbial straw. YOU are the one trying to reframe the last six months that she has been seeing another man.


I still think of my ex (not the 8 year one) every hour of every day. And it freaking sucks. But, if I think about how I am going to see her in X amount of days, or how I will text in X amount of months, or how she will eventually come back, then I would be hindering my healing. I f*cking miss her. But, I have decided to move on.


You have to decide to move on. After Saturday, you should have no reason to sit and stew over this.
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Old 7th February 2018, 9:32 AM   #199
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At one point, I was feeling a bit panicky about not having friends and I joined "meetup" to find persons with similar interests, and that was good for the time. That kinda faded. Then I found that I enjoy being by myself. I am not saying everyone will, as I seem to enjoy it more than most.
I tried that for a few weeks too. The people who go to the ones I went to (movies, trekking etc.) were decent folk but completely different life stages (most) or just way different in personality to me. I actually like hanging around people, valuing others and being valued.

In saying that it's difficult to forge more than the superficial 'hey how you going, how's the weather' at any age but trying to make friends with random guys and girls at 30 when you share no mutual friends (and are not out with any friends - whether that be attending a 'meet up' or going to see a band) is often labeled strange and to some extent creepy (I'm not talking about going up and talking to teenagers but random people around your age who you don't know from scratch).

I have been going out by myself and am fairly confident (though don't believe I'm Arnie or anything) but people just drift once they realise you are alone and are probably there to 'make friends' they are turned off probably thinking you have ulterior motives and it seems once you can't create banter beyond yourself (say if you had a friend you could regale a new buddy or lady with some funny story you shared together or how the day went) then you come across as a loner/self-involved etc. etc. I don't mean to say this in a self-conscious way it's just facts.

The ironic thing is I'm not going out to screw the world because I really don't feel like having sex (though people say dumpees, especially males, want loads of rebound sex nothing actually turns me on atm tbh even the thought of my ex is just sadness and wanting to be in her arms but it is not overwhelming sexual yearning and when I think of her and sex right now it gets me thinking of the guy which is no good) but maybe I give off signals that I am desperate for something (which I probably am inside - friendship, oh and my ex of course).

I guess the silver lining in all this is that I have had time to ruminate over the Staind song 'It's been awhile'. I wonder how long 'awhile' is: I'm thinking 15 months to 2 years (then it possibly becomes a long time, any shorter and it's a 'little while').

Last edited by ConfusedLuke; 7th February 2018 at 9:36 AM..
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Old 7th February 2018, 9:36 AM   #200
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I tried that for a few weeks too. The people who go to the ones I went to (movies, trekking etc.) were decent folk but completely different life stages (most) or just way different in personality to me. I actually like hanging around people, valuing others and being valued.

In saying that it's difficult to forge more than the superficial 'hey how you going, how's the weather' at any age but trying to make friends with random guys and girls at 30 when you share no mutual friends (and are not out with any friends - whether that be attending a 'meet up' or going to see a band) is often labeled strange and to some extent creepy (I'm not talking about going up and talking to teenagers but random people around your age who you don't know from scratch).

I have been going out by myself and am fairly confident (though don't believe I'm Arnie or anything) but people just drift once they realise you are alone and are probably there to 'make friends' they are turned off probably thinking you have ulterior motives and it seems once you can't create banter beyond yourself (say if you had a friend you could regale a new buddy or lady with some funny story you shared together or how the day went) then you come across as a loner/self-involved etc. etc. I don't mean to say this in a self-conscious way it's just facts.

The ironic thing is I'm not going out to screw the world because I really don't feel like having sex (though people say dumpees, especially males, want loads of rebound sex nothing actually turns me on atm tbh even the thought of my ex is just sadness and wanting to be in her arms but it is not overwhelming sexual yearning and when I think of her and sex right now it gets me thinking of the guy which is no good) but maybe I give off signals that I am desperate for something (which I probably am inside - friendship, oh and my ex of course).


Well, then I guess you have it figure out. You will not have any friends and you will wait until she comes back. Nothing else will ever make sense to you.


This is the pathetic view you are projecting.
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Old 7th February 2018, 9:38 AM   #201
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Well, then I guess you have it figure out. You will not have any friends and you will wait until she comes back. Nothing else will ever make sense to you.


This is the pathetic view you are projecting.
I will keep going out, I will keep speaking to random people at bus stops, I will keep trying to create connections but if people don't want to bother what are you to do and to be honest would most guys and girls want some random stranger in their lives? Especially when lots already have 'enough friends' or find entertainment in apps and Netflix much more fulfilling than spending time having conversations or simply prefer being by themselves most of the time.

But yeah some may so I keep going...

I don't like being alone with no one to physically speak to. I miss all the conversations and perspectives I shared with her and she shared with me and she knew all my struggle and still believed in a future ...Up until the break at least.

I think she lost my sense of humour though in the seriousness of the struggle it must have seemed like I was an eighty year old cranky man, or maybe she didn't but instead of endearing she found it annoying.

Just sucks.

Last edited by ConfusedLuke; 7th February 2018 at 9:43 AM..
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Old 7th February 2018, 9:46 AM   #202
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I miss all the conversations and perspectives I shared with her and she shared with me and she knew all my struggle and still believed in a future ...Up until the break at least.

I think she lost my sense of humour though in the seriousness of the struggle it must have seemed like I was an eighty year old cranky man, or maybe she didn't but instead of endearing she found it annoying.

Just sucks.[/QUOTE]



Do you see how everything that is said to you circles back to how she feels/acts/says? THIS MUST STOP. You are independent of her.
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Old 7th February 2018, 9:53 AM   #203
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Do you see how everything that is said to you circles back to how she feels/acts/says? THIS MUST STOP. You are independent of her.
I know I am but so much of the last ten years about was sucked up thinking of her, emailing/texting/calling her and physically being around her (out of the nine years we lived together for about four of them at some point or another and we were always close - there was no 'on again off again' though she went travelling for months on end we were still emailing each other every day).

So there is this cavernous void and my head is still in shock mode, sometimes I find myself going to the phone to call her and just end up reading the last texts from over a month ago. Then looking at the public view of her hardly updated Facebook. It really is crap.
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Old 7th February 2018, 9:57 AM   #204
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But that reality is no longer. No matter how you reframe it in your mind, the reality is you are not with her, so focusing on the ten years you were together is moot.
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Old 7th February 2018, 12:42 PM   #205
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Yes it is crap but you arenít helping yourself!!!!!!!
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Old 9th February 2018, 2:17 AM   #206
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It is a really crappy situation to be in. I'm really sorry that you have no support network as most people have their families to rely on in times like these... I'm sorry.

Do you have hobbies that allow you to join message boards? TBH I'm not a people person and I'd rather have long conversations (regardless of how silly, I don't need convos that are scholarly all the time) with a few than "small talks", which I dread. Meeting people IRL and becoming friends that way (outside of class) has never been my forte. To tell you the truth, among my best friends, one is from professional school, and the rest are from an online forum that I joined 10 yrs ago. I still rely on them heavily 10 years after, have (traveled to) met them several times IRL (luckily none of them were deranged murderers or psychos and were just like how I imagined online); they basically constitute my support network, other than family. Given your personality, do you think you can give something like that a try?

Have you ever wanted to do something really badly? Maybe it's time to give it a try. I KNOW at first you will circle back to her, but something you truly love doing to distract you for a period long enough, so that time will heal.

I agree that among the problems of your relationship, one of the most important was you relying on her and her family heavily. She may not have said it, or even knew consciously it is this reason that bothered her, but subconsciously nobody wants to carry a burden of being someone else's sole support and reason for living (which honestly it sounds like she was yours). It really kills the lightheartedness that a romantic relationship should have.

Again nothing other than complete no contact will help you heal. You will heal and move on, and find another. Her family has to go. If you were able to find her, you will find others, SOs and friends included. But you have to believe in that first; otherwise every discussion here is pointless if it just goes back to her.
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Old 9th February 2018, 5:30 AM   #207
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Hello Luke,

I did read your first post, not the entire topic, so sorry if i miss some stuff.

Luke, your a good guy and you need to stop now.

I was in the exact same situation plus kids and 8 years of wedding and 12 years of total relationship.

I'm 29, she was 28 when she decided to cheat, leave me and leave the kids too.

So trust me, i can empathize with you.

I was in the same stage , trying to be a good guy, show her i still loved her... this is all bull****.

What you need is focus on yourself because she is incredibly selfish. What the **** seriously, kissing another guy in front of you ? What kind of mean people do that do another one in love after several years of relationship ? This is cruel.

Then telling you "it's been so a long time i was not happy" while talking about the other guys. Your girlfriend and my wife could have been best buddy

I'm going to give you some advice, you do what you want, but it come from a guy who was near to kill himself for his wife.

"Everything happen for a reason" I can't tell you what the reason is right now, but you will find it and at some point, you will see, her going away was the best gift she could do to you.

"Friends with her ?" Common, have some dignity. She don't care about your emotion, your heart or anything else. You don't deserve to be treated like that and the first thing to do is to stop letting people do it. She don't deserve your friendship but you can't even see it.

"Focus on yourself" : Ok now she's gone, what can you do ? Be a pathetic guy who will always be there for her no matter what or be a guy who are going to kill it on everything ?! The pain should drive this feeling, to be a man again and not a doormat. Go exercices, looking good, study, whatever it takes to live your life again without her in your mind. You did have a life before her and you will have one after too. Take this experience to become a way better version of yourself.

If you treat yourself like that, it's because you lack self esteem so it's time to rebuild it step by step.

It's not healthy for you to not totally cut the tie with her.

I'm with you. I was here, i'm out and i'm never going back in this hole but you had to understand that the only person able to help you... is YOU
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Old 11th February 2018, 10:31 AM   #208
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Thank you for your words of support. I'm sorry I haven't responded to the previous posters individually but I understand that I should focus on me and 'move on' in saying that she was a part of me for so long and I do think about her every hour of every day and a lot of the time it's excruciating (and now I'm rambling)

On Saturday I dropped her clothes off in the Toyota I wanted to give her mother as a parting gift (it was my late grandmother's and I cannot bear to sell it - registration valid for another six months). I left her mother a thank you card in the letterbox with the key. I didn't want to knock because I knew the mother would not feel comfortable accepting such a gift face to face and wanted to give her time to consider it (it came from a place of genuine care as she suffers immune problems and has issues with swollen feet and catches buses with bags of groceries - it wasn't as if I was just giving a car as a gift of largess to patch things up or create a latent expectation - in fact I went so far as to include a signed disposal form for the vehicle in case she didn't feel comfortable contacting me ever again to transfer the registration).

Next day (today) her caring, gorgeous mother followed me to my front door (I had no idea but she was behind me as I came back from a workout), and nicely said my ex wasn't comfortable with her accepting the gift (gave me the car key back) and told me that my ex was still missing a dress.

It is clear her lovely mother was sent on express orders by my ex to refuse the car and ask specifically about ONE item of clothing. I mean really? Me and her mother had a good two hour chat about what happened. I really care about her as she was really my mother as well for the last ten years given my own estranged mother's condition and ill health & eventual passing of my grandmother.

I really don't know why my ex is steaming so much considering I have both given her space and been responsive to her requests throughout this, even to her 'civil' overtures - extracting money and her things off me. I love her but I feel she is really rubbing it in.

I hope she sees soon that my heart is in the right place, all I want is to wish her happiness but it seems all she wants to do is give me more grief, only concerned with material belongings and not at all about me. I don't want to relate it to me but it's like everything has flipped on it's head - before she didn't care much for material possessions and loved me to the end of the earth and now it's the other way around.

Anyway, I just want to hear her voice and have a conversation not about her stuff or new boyfriend. I didn't speak to her or see her this weekend although I probably could have if I called her up but she has been so cold-hearted I don't know how the conversation would have gone.

Hopefully one day she will have a change of heart. I just keep being positive about all this. I think deep down she knows how much I care about her, even if she is reinforcing to herself that she has fallen out of love with me I think we aren't incompatible and may be together again.

Last edited by ConfusedLuke; 11th February 2018 at 10:37 AM..
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Old 11th February 2018, 11:20 AM   #209
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Good for you for accepting this for what it is and not continuing to reach out and planning Facebook requests. Maybe with this change, you will soon come into acceptance that this is over ( you donít seem there yet)

I think she just wants to close the door quickly. That is why she asked for the other things back. She noticed they were missing and doesnít want to drag it out any longer. She obviously doesnít want to talk to you directly so I would drop the stuff off at her moms. Or just mail it to her, even better. Do you even know where the stuff is? I donít think she is being hateful by her actions, So I wouldnít sweat it.

God luck and keep the distance.
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Old 11th February 2018, 11:38 AM   #210
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She is angry because you're not respecting the boundaries that come with a break-up.

The gift of the car was just not appropriate now that you are not together anymore. That is quite the opposite of giving her space. You have to stop trying to find ways to wiggle back into her life and prove what a good guy you are. You can see that it's not working and only serving to upset her and you, when you don't get the response you hoped for.

It's time for you to leave all of them be. I understand they were a big part of your life, but you simply must work toward accepting it won't remain that way.
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