He's already with someone else- (UPDATE: Stalked by his new GF)

[hope18]

Apologies in advance if this turns out to be long! My ex and I met in the final semester of my junior year, his senior year. We had the most amazing, fairy tale relationship over the spring/summer. I have never been treated so well or felt so loved in my life. I've had boyfriends, but he was my first love. And then he went to college.

 

Even up until the day I helped him move into his dorm he had no doubts about us. He said if anyone could make it, it was us. He said he didn't need to find any other girl because I was everything he could ever want. His school is only an hour and a half away from my boarding school, and 30 minutes from my house. Two days after I dropped him off, he got distant. He started pulling away. After only 5 days, he called me saying he wanted to break up. He was scared of only getting to see me every few weeks. He couldn't handle missing me. He said he was afraid of ever resenting me if he had regrets down the road about not experiencing other girls since I was his first serious girlfriend, he said he felt he couldn't handle a relationship right now and needed time to figure himself out.

 

He assured me he still loved me, it was nothing I did and nothing to do with our relationship and his feelings for me hadn't changed. When we talked in person he cried almost as much as I did. He always had a sheltered life and was a shy, low confidence guy so I can see how college and being on his own for the first time could be a shock. He second guessed his decision a couple of times and I really thought he was going to come back. I fought so hard for a month after the breakup and gave him every reason to try again. He wanted to stay friends and I tried but it was too hard. I told him I needed some time and space to heal and we ended things on good terms and agreed to talk again in a few weeks.

 

Over those few weeks he saw anything I did on social media as being targeted at him, trying to hurt him or make him jealous. I would never stoop that low. When I wasn't talking to him, he found someone else. Only a few weeks after our breakup and he was in another committed and serious relationship. Out of nowhere I was blocked from all of his social media, he deleted all pictures of us and posted one with her. When I asked him about it, he claimed he was trying to protect me and keep me from seeing the post of this new girl which is why he also blocked all of my close friends. It doesn't help that a few of them sent him nasty texts behind my back and he thought I was just as immature as them.

 

I know they were trying to defend me, but it only made things worse and made me look psycho. We ended up arguing and he blocked my number. He and this girl are still together over a month later. He unblocked me but didn't add me back on anything. I had so much hope that he would change his mind, that he would wake up and come back to me, especially because I'm going to college 10 minutes away from him next year and we would be seeing each other every day if we wanted. Seeing him with this new girl crushes me. She's ALWAYS posting pictures with him, he's only posted the one. I just don't know how to move on when I want him to come back so badly.

 

I think it would hurt less if he had stayed single, I felt betrayed that he replaced me so quickly. I have no way of knowing if she's a rebound. I know I need to move on and focus on myself, on moving forward and accepting the fact that it's over. But I think back on our relationship and memories and I can't wrap my mind around how what we had is gone. We were only together for 5 months but I felt more in those 5 months than I did in a 2 year relationship and he never let me forget how much he loved and cared for me.

 

Our connection was amazing and our relationship beyond mature for our age. I miss him so much and I feel like he hates me now. I guess my question is, is there a chance he'll come back even though he's with this other girl? I can't help seeing her as this new goddess, his soulmate, someone so much better than me that he's head over heels for.

 

I know that's probably unlikely but I can't help feeling he's already completely over me and forgotten about me, yet he's still all I can think about almost 3 months since the official breakup.

Edited November 26, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[stillafool]

I'm sorry he hurt you. He probably had met the new girl and wanted a chance with her before you broke up. Whether he comes back or not remains to be seen but with a college full of girls it is unlikely anytime soon. The good news is you will be going to college soon and will be meeting tons of new guys. At least you were only with him for 5 months so hopefully you will heal fast. The best way to prevent yourself from healing and moving forward is to look at their social media. Knowing what they are doing will keep you stuck and obsessing. Block them and look forward to YOUR future.

[hope18]

I'm sorry he hurt you. He probably had met the new girl and wanted a chance with her before you broke up.

 

Even before his current gf he made out with another girl after we broke up that had feelings for him and they were talking for a bit but he said (while we were still talking) that this first girl went psycho and wanted a commitment he wasn't ready for. Then he went and found his current gf through a mutual friend. So they weren't talking before, but he definitely had experiencing other girls on his mind. I feel like he was looking to rush into another relationship so that he didn't have to feel the heartbreak of getting over me and being alone. He drank every time it started hurting and dealt with it that way until his new relationship could be his new distraction. But I'll never know for sure. The thing is I know if I were at that school we never would have broken up. I think he was so scared of having such separate lives so he took the easy way out to find someone there at school with him that he doesn't have to miss.

Edited November 26, 2017 by hope18

[stillafool]

It sounds like he just wants to experience other girls which is quite natural if he hasn't dated anyone other than you. He probably will drink while in school. Try not to worry about them. Take care of yourself, study hard and look great the next time you see him.

[hope18]

It sounds like he just wants to experience other girls which is quite natural if he hasn't dated anyone other than you. He probably will drink while in school. Try not to worry about them. Take care of yourself, study hard and look great the next time you see him.

 

Yeah I just hate that we ended on bad terms for no reason after such an amazing relationship. I miss talking to him it would be nice to atleast be able to catch up. But I'm not going to reach out again and force a friendship he may not even want. Thank you for your responses.

[d0nnivain]

College changes a person. It will change you next year when you get there too.

 

The fact that he had no doubts about your relationship when he moved into his dorm simply shows that he had no basis for that opinion. Having never been to college he didn't understand what he would be facing.

 

I'm sorry that he interpreted your every social media move as an affront to him & your relationship. That was jealousy born of insecurity but it still tore you apart. Go back to blocking him. Right now while the wounds are fresh you don't need to see his new life. You have your own fun to look forward to: college acceptance letters, prom, graduation etc.

 

Perhaps you can patch the bad stuff next summer when he's home. Don't try over the holidays because emotions are still too raw. Besides by the time summer rolls around you will be preparing for your own college adventure & for your world to expand.

[hope18]

College changes a person. It will change you next year when you get there too.

 

The fact that he had no doubts about your relationship when he moved into his dorm simply shows that he had no basis for that opinion. Having never been to college he didn't understand what he would be facing.

 

I'm sorry that he interpreted your every social media move as an affront to him & your relationship. That was jealousy born of insecurity but it still tore you apart. Go back to blocking him. Right now while the wounds are fresh you don't need to see his new life. You have your own fun to look forward to: college acceptance letters, prom, graduation etc.

 

Perhaps you can patch the bad stuff next summer when he's home. Don't try over the holidays because emotions are still too raw. Besides by the time summer rolls around you will be preparing for your own college adventure & for your world to expand.

 

 

I know I need to move on, im just so scared of him forgetting me and hate that he views me so negatively now. I would feel so much better about the situation if he had stayed single, I feel betrayed because he told me he couldn't handle a relationship right now and needed to take time to be alone but he jumped right in to another exclusive and seemingly serious relationship. It hurts that I was so easily replaceable and this new girl seems great. I do want him to be happy but I wish he had felt the heartbreak, I know he did for a little while but not long enough to heal and learn how to be happy on his own.

[stillafool]

I'm sorry. They lie about their true intentions in order to save your feelings. What they don't realize is you will find out the truth anyway so he should have told you the truth which was he was interested in another girl. Most people are too cowardly to tell you the truth if it makes them look bad.

[elaine567]

I do want him to be happy but I wish he had felt the heartbreak, I know he did for a little while but not long enough to heal and learn how to be happy on his own.

 

You wish he had missed YOU for a lot longer, but he was the one that pulled the plug, dumpers rarely feel the same as dumpees.

Dumpees are often of the opinion that the heartache of the break up is split right down the middle and that both are equally grieving the loss of the relationship, but that is so often not true.

The dumper wants the breakup as they want to move on, with either a known person or to play the field.

Yes, they may or may not be a bit sad or down for a while, but they soon perk up as they got what they wanted after all.

[HumanMachine]

It’s over, done, finished. Time to move on.

[hope18]

You wish he had missed YOU for a lot longer, but he was the one that pulled the plug, dumpers rarely feel the same as dumpees.

Dumpees are often of the opinion that the heartache of the break up is split right down the middle and that both are equally grieving the loss of the relationship, but that is so often not true.

The dumper wants the breakup as they want to move on, with either a known person or to play the field.

Yes, they may or may not be a bit sad or down for a while, but they soon perk up as they got what they wanted after all.

 

Yeah, I know he definitely felt some pain as he cried a lot of times when we talked about it, especially in person and he almost went back on his decision about 3 times because he missed me and what we had. I guess I was oblivious to the fact that while I was still fighting so hard to get him to stay, he was already talking to this other girl because in his head we had already broken up when in mine I thought I could make him wake up and stay. I guess every dumpees dream is that his new relationship will crash and he'll come back and realize what he lost or that she's just a rebound relationship.

Edited November 27, 2017 by hope18

[elaine567]

Yeah, I know he definitely felt some pain as he cried a lot of times when we talked about it, especially in person and he almost went back on his decision about 3 times because he missed me and what we had. I guess I was oblivious to the fact that while I was still fighting so hard to get him to stay, he was already talking to this other girl because in his head we had already broken up when in mine I thought I could make him wake up and stay. I guess every dumpees dream is that his new relationship will crash and he'll come back and realize what he lost or that she's just a rebound relationship.

 

OK, but then you have a different relationship, as how can you trust him not to bail again.

You may also get the mind movies of him sleeping with the other girl/girls, the insecurity over "Was she/they prettier, sexier, "better" in some way?", "Did he cheat on me?" "WHY did he end it?", never ending questions... Added to all that you also have to deal with the "problems" in your relationship that made him want to end it in the first place.

 

Usually just better for both to just end it for good and to keep walking...

[hope18]

Added to all that you also have to deal with the "problems" in your relationship that made him want to end it in the first place.

 

Usually just better for both to just end it for good and to keep walking...

 

I wish I could keep walking, because he sure is. I just don't know how to move on, every memory feels like a stab in the heart. There were zero issues with our relationship, we bickered once or twice but that was it. No one, his family, my family, even him, saw this coming. Everyone was shocked. I guess it's so hard because I can't go back on the relationship and think about X and Y issues we had to see the breakup as a potentially good thing. Before he even mentioned other girls, the first phone call was his fear of missing me, only getting to see me once every few weeks and even less than that once basketball season started. The breakup had nothing to do with his feelings for me or any issues in our relationship that made long distance not worth it. I'm trying so hard to move on and it's been a month of NC but my mind always drifts to little memories and I can't seem to accept that it's over, I have this gut feeling that he's still the one and I know that's crazy talk because we were only together for a short time but like I said we were absolutely perfect. I feel terrible saying this but I wish it wouldn't work out with this other girl, especially since he clearly still has a lot of maturing to do.

[hope18]

It’s over, done, finished. Time to move on.

 

I'm trying to except that I don't feel like it's over. I know him so well and I know how much he loved me, I also know how pathetic that sounds but he was the most emotional, sensitive (in a good way) and loving guy with the biggest heart and we loved eachother unlike anything I've witnessed. I'm trying to move on because of the chance that he won't come back, but it feels impossible when there are so many reasons we might get back together, especially with me going to college right next to him next year when one of his major reasons was not being able to see me all the time. As far as this other girl, I just feel betrayed and hurt that he replaced me so quickly. He isn't a casual hookup guy, if he's in a relationship he's serious about it. So that's why it hurts so much that he replaced me so quickly as if what we had was a fling. I feel guilty saying this but I don't want them to last, even if he doesn't come back to me. I wish he gave himself longer to be alone and heal from the breakup before jumping in with someone new. I can't read his mind, she could be head over heels for him and he could be much less serious about her, or he could be completely in love. I have no way of knowing, but I wish there was an answer if they are going to survive the long haul or if she's a rebound/replacement to fill the hole I left.

[d0nnivain]

No. You knew the high school boy he was before he went to college. Even though it's only been a few months, college changes people. When you get to college next year, you will change too. Even if you are at the same school, college is so much bigger than HS in so many ways.

[hope18]

No. You knew the high school boy he was before he went to college. Even though it's only been a few months, college changes people. When you get to college next year, you will change too. Even if you are at the same school, college is so much bigger than HS in so many ways.

 

I agree that I only knew the high school him, but I do not believe that only within a few weeks it seemed of being in college that he had already become this cold person who forgot/stopped caring about me. I know he got busy and his life changed drastically, but can you really just forget about/stop loving someone as much as he loved me in the blink of an eye? Either way, I know he's different now, but I don't know how different. I wish we could talk again, I miss him like hell but know that right now that is not the best idea. I guess time is my best friend in this situation.

[HumanMachine]

I agree that I only knew the high school him, but I do not believe that only within a few weeks it seemed of being in college that he had already become this cold person who forgot/stopped caring about me. I know he got busy and his life changed drastically, but can you really just forget about/stop loving someone as much as he loved me in the blink of an eye? Either way, I know he's different now, but I don't know how different. I wish we could talk again, I miss him like hell but know that right now that is not the best idea. I guess time is my best friend in this situation.

 

He’s just been exposed to a whole new world of people (read girls), he realised that whatever you had wasn’t worth losing out on the experiences in college. Of course he’s not like that, he’s different, you had something special blah blah blah.. if you want to put your life on hold until you move to the college next to his then go ahead.. you’ll be wasting your time though.

[stillafool]

Yeah, I know he definitely felt some pain as he cried a lot of times when we talked about it, especially in person and he almost went back on his decision about 3 times because he missed me and what we had. I guess I was oblivious to the fact that while I was still fighting so hard to get him to stay, he was already talking to this other girl because in his head we had already broken up when in mine I thought I could make him wake up and stay. I guess every dumpees dream is that his new relationship will crash and he'll come back and realize what he lost or that she's just a rebound relationship.

 

I wouldn't take his tears too seriously either. Lately it seems like all the male dumpers are crying their eyes out while walking away. It makes me wonder if this is some new tactic. I never remembered men crying so easy as they do in this age.

[rubyjuly]

Sorry for the lack of thoughtful replies you've received -- I wouldn't bother to reply to a question on a thread if all I had to offer was a one sentence brush off. That's what this forum is for and those who don't have any type of sincere thoughtful advice should stick to threads they have a reply for.

 

A few weeks is a really short time, it's not like 6 months or even a few months.... so I don't believe it really has to do with you, and I'll explain--- I think there was something in a comment he explained about how it's hard for him being that far away from you, and his way of handling that is to shut down..some people who are ego fragile, meaning they are basically pretty insecure or needy and have a lot of difficulty being able to tolerate even a relatively short time away from a partner and pull in someone else to meet their need for instant attention, affection etc. Narcissists are very much like this and but I am not at all saying he is necessarily a bonafide narcissist, --but it is narcissistic in its nature-- like an infant who can't wait 2 minutes for his bottle of milk without crying -- so are people who must have a constant connection and attention and affection etc from their partner and if there's some type of time away they feel empty and run to go meet their need with whoever they can.

 

Healthy people don't literally run to grab onto someone else the second their partners not there so, it was imo about his fragile ego and needs as described above than about any shortcoming in you.

 

I think trying to engage contact w him now is only gonna prove to be hurtful and destructive to you and I would focus on taking care of yourself and building your sense of self worth-- take time to discover more of your own personality and interests, enjoy or develop friendships, activities, consider trying something new or different that perhaps interested you but you never tried out, if you like animals (I don't know if you have a pet or like animals) but my cat helps me a ton. If you can't get a pet right now you could (this applies if your drawn to and like animals) visit dogs or cats in an animal shelter or volunteer a few hours here and there.

 

Down the road take it slow is my advice and try to see the persons maturity level and real deeper character traits-- if they show signs of being immature, selfish, more about themselves etc then you'll know maybe best to wait for a man who is mature-- and some younger guys are capable of being thoughtful and mature and loyal so don't limit yourself

 

Come back to let us know how your doing!

[rubyjuly]

I agree that I only knew the high school him, but I do not believe that only within a few weeks it seemed of being in college that he had already become this cold person who forgot/stopped caring about me. I know he got busy and his life changed drastically, but can you really just forget about/stop loving someone as much as he loved me in the blink of an eye? Either way, I know he's different now, but I don't know how different. I wish we could talk again, I miss him like hell but know that right now that is not the best idea. I guess time is my best friend in this situation.

 

and also , you can learn to be your best friend - ya know what I mean? Take care of yourself and watch out for yourself...

 

a poster above commented about "college changes you"--- that's a very general sweeping statement and glosses over the specifics of what happened here. Yes it's true college after being there for some time can change some things as far as giving you a new learning and life experience is not what happened here-- being a few weeks away at college or anywhere doesn't switch off a persons feelings and commitment to their partner-- unless they are so needy and have such a fragile ego that they literally can't bear being on their own without someone to be with right there , literally RIGHT AWAY--- which is what your bf did.

 

In other words it's not a "college issue" what your boyfriend did, it was a character / personality issue ---( of having certain shortcomings in his character)

[HumanMachine]

Or he’s just young and wants to be single for college..

[rubyjuly]

Or he’s just young and wants to be single for college..

 

Negative. At 19 yrs old he isn't a little kid--- young men and women this age are at an age where they are fully responsible to understand the basics of how we treat others-- it's not a age issue, it's a character issue. My brother has had some relationships since he was that age and even in late high school college age he was mature and un- selfish enough to know how to treat a girlfriend or ex gf as are others.

 

It's a "he's insecure and wants to be selfish" issue, OP.

[hope18]

Negative. At 19 yrs old he isn't a little kid--- young men and women this age are at an age where they are fully responsible to understand the basics of how we treat others-- it's not a age issue, it's a character issue. My brother has had some relationships since he was that age and even in late high school college age he was mature and un- selfish enough to know how to treat a girlfriend or ex gf as are others.

 

It's a "he's insecure and wants to be selfish" issue, OP.

 

Thank you so much for your thoughtful response, it really made me feel better. When I met him he was SO insecure about himself for many reasons. I built up hos confidence so much but clearly the insecurity remains. I know he is immature in a sense that he's never really been in the real world until now and I think he just had to take the easy way out and be with someone right there at school with him instead of missing me. What is your opinion on his new relationship? As the weeks go by I get more and more scared that they're going to last.

[hope18]

Or he’s just young and wants to be single for college..

 

If it was about being single he would have stayed single, not jumped into another exclusive/serious relationship only weeks after we broke up.

[stillafool]

Thank you so much for your thoughtful response, it really made me feel better. When I met him he was SO insecure about himself for many reasons. I built up hos confidence so much but clearly the insecurity remains. I know he is immature in a sense that he's never really been in the real world until now and I think he just had to take the easy way out and be with someone right there at school with him instead of missing me. What is your opinion on his new relationship? As the weeks go by I get more and more scared that they're going to last.

 

You need to stop fearing that his relationship won't last. Even if it doesn't he is at college and will more than likely move on to another college girl. Don't put your life on hold with hopes that he's coming back any time soon or ever for that matter. That type of thinking will waste your time and keep you stuck. He's already lied by saying he couldn't handle a relationship only to jump into a serious one with a girl he met at school. He could have stayed single and dated multiple girls but he chose her which means there was a lot that went on between them before he locked her down. Don't put your life on hold for that type of treatment.