What do I do?

[FilterCoffee]

Have you ever had an ex you were physically worried about after the breakup? Brief summary, she broke up with me months ago. I chased her up till the beginning of this month till I realized that we're never getting back together. I then told her that I'm not going to contact her and begin the process of moving on. I meet a woman I have a connection with and start texting her. My ex finds out and makes a major cut on her own hand. She then says she wants to get back with me but she has done and said a lot of hurtful things and has no remorse. I don't mind getting back with her but only under the condition that she apologizes. After having heated arguments, she has made it clear that she isn't going to apologize for anything so I've decided to move on for good.

 

I've tried telling her not to contact me but she refuses and gets abusive. She has even told me that I need to block her if I want her gone. I'm hesitant to do that though because she tends to self harm and I worry for her. When we chat, its only fighting and abuses but I know if I completely cut contact, she's going to have a major breakdown and god knows what she's going to do to herself. What do I do fellow loveshackers?

[HumanMachine]

My ex threatened to kill herself, I contacted the police and they paid her a visit. Block and move on.

[Zahara]

Let her parents know of her destructive nature. It then becomes their responsibility. You then block and move on.

Edited November 23, 2017 by Zahara

[FilterCoffee]

She has made it really clear that she doesn’t want me to contact her parents because they’re having difficulties of their own. If I do, she’s capable of doing anything to make my life miserable.

[Zahara]

She has made it really clear that she doesn’t want me to contact her parents because they’re having difficulties of their own. If I do, she’s capable of doing anything to make my life miserable.

 

Stop making excuses. She doesn't want her parents knowing because she knows her actions are manipulative and calling her out would get her in trouble.

 

She can't make your life miserable if you block her from having access to you.

 

The next time she cuts herself, call the police and send them to her home.

[Downtown]

My ex finds out and makes a major cut on her own hand.... she tends to self harm and I worry for her.

Coffee, I agree with the advice already given by Human and Zahara. I will only add that, when cutting and other self harm occurs in the early teens, it is associated with a variety of different causes. When it occurs in adulthood, however, it is strongly associated with BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Indeed, of the 157 mental disorders listed in DSM-5, only BPD has "self harming behavior such as cutting" listed as a defining symptom.

 

If you're interested, the most common red flags are identified in my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs. I nonetheless am reluctant to encourage you to read it because, in another thread, you report she was "Toxic only after the breakup" -- and you describe her abusive behavior as only occurring in the last few months of a 5-year relationship. If your exGF were really suffering from a persistent BPD problem, you would have seen drama-filled, unstable behavior starting about 4 to 6 months into the R/S -- not only during the last few months of a 5-year period.

[FilterCoffee]

It’s been drama filled from the beginning but it only became toxic after the breakup. I want to move on but I can’t bear the thought of her hurting herself; I do still care. All of this is so weird, I was the dumpee after all.

[iVisa]

You can tell her family/friends that you worry about her and then block and cut a contact. Think about yourself. Start a new life.

[stillafool]

She has made it really clear that she doesn’t want me to contact her parents because they’re having difficulties of their own. If I do, she’s capable of doing anything to make my life miserable.

 

Look, she isn't your responsibility anymore. Who cares if she doesn't want you to contact her parents? If you think she is suicidal or harming herself let her parents know and then block her. I think it is unfair of her to make you responsible for her mental health. Don't do it! Block her and move on. I guarantee she won't hurt herself too bad.

[basil67]

If you think she's truly a risk to herself, tell someone who can help. Then block her.

[Highndry]

Again, Downtown NAILS it. You don't need that emotional vampire. Block her once and for all.

[FilterCoffee]

Thanks for all the responses. She does have a guy who’s been really close to her since the breakup. She has told me on numerous occasions how he’s a better person than me and he’s been supporting her after I decided to move on. He knows about her self harming tendencies.

[Scarlett.O'hara]

I get the impression that your continued contact is actually making things worse, and causing a toxic situation where all you do is argue and cause each other stress.

 

You may still care for her very deeply, but you have to let her go, and allow her to stand on her own two feet.

 

The healthiest thing you can in this situation is to stop communicating with her. She needs the time and space to work through this as a grown woman. That is not something you can or should try to do for her.

 

Sometimes doing what is right involves letting go, even when your heart doesn't want to.

[stillafool]

Thanks for all the responses. She does have a guy who’s been really close to her since the breakup. She has told me on numerous occasions how he’s a better person than me and he’s been supporting her after I decided to move on. He knows about her self harming tendencies.

 

See this is your problem, block her and stop talking to her. You don't need to be aware of what is going on in her life.

[d0nnivain]

Threatening suicide is emotional manipulation.

 

She has parents. She has a new guy. She is NOT Your problem any more & you were never responsible for her poor choices.

 

Do nothing. Stop communicating with her. If she gets through anyway & is actually in the process of self harm, call the police where she is. They will come & have her involuntarily committed to a psychiatric hospital on a 72 hour psych hold.

[Marc878]

You are your biggest problem.

 

She's nothing to you now but you won't let it go so you'll linger in this.

[FilterCoffee]

Thanks for all the responses. After going through the suggestions I decided to take the weekend and think about what would be best. She was being really strange; one moment she would be charming and sweet and the next she would be rude and quarrelsome. I could sense that a part of her wanted us to work out and I felt the same way so I told her that I would wait a couple of days for her to decide whether she wanted to work on our issues. She made an absolute mockery of my offer. She said a lot of hurtful things and it made me realize that this woman has zero respect for me. I blocked her off completely, including email. She still managed to get through to me on Skype where she apologized but then blamed me for all of the hurtful things she said. Suffice to say, her apology made little impact and I blocked her on Skype as well.

 

You guys are right, I'm not responsible for her health and poor choices. I waited 7 months for her after she dumped me and only in the last month did she show any sign of wanting to get back which was after I told her I would move on. I do feel like **** for blocking her everywhere, one because I have never blocked anyone and two because she was my world for the better part of 5 years. But it's the only way to move on. I was also worried that I would lose my sense of rationality and ended up with her if I stayed in contact. I know I made numerous mistakes during the relationship but I always apologized. The only apology I got was a half-hearted one where I was the cause for her bad behavior. What did I get for my patience and tolerance? Spit on my face.

 

After having tried so hard, it really sucks to be left so bitter. However, I couldn't have done anything more and I feel satisfied for giving my all which will make it easier for me to move on. That's my silver lining.

 

Thank you for reading this and giving me your support.