what is emotional abuse?

[smile95]

What is your definition of emotional abuse. A lot of my friends tell me that I am a victim and I kinda brush them off thinking....."no, that is crazy". But I sit and think about it and Iwonder if I am? Let me give you a few scenarios and let me know if I am overreacting or it could be emotional abuse. I go back and forth. Usaully convince myself it is not when I want him back.......

 

Ignoring me for periods of time(silent treatment)-could be a day, could be a month

 

Making up stories intentially to make me jealous and then telling me after I get really upset that he just lies to get a rise out of me

 

Not comforting me when I am upset and hurt(hell, not even talking to me).

 

Telling me that we have no problems and we are fine everytime I want to discuss something about "us".

 

Telling me that no one will ever love me like he did-they will try and fail

 

Making and breaking promises to me-letting me down all the time

 

When he will not talk to me and says we have no probelms, I email my thoughts and once I asked what he thought and he was like "all I read was blah" . We are fine and you are over reacting.

 

There are more, but I cannot think right now.

 

I guess I want to know what emotional abuse is?

[lindya]

There have been times I've felt emotionally abused in a relationship. Looking back, I can see ways in which the person responsible for that behaviour could equally accuse me of emotional abuse on a more passive-aggressive level. We can try, but it's a difficult thing to cut out of our lives altogether. The important thing is that we try, and we communicate with other people in the effort to address our more destructive behaviours. The person who proudly advertises his or her own selfishness, lack of compassion and uncompromising stance probably has issues that you don't want to get too entangled in.

 

The behaviours you've described sound quite abusive, but I'd imagine we're getting the edited highlights (or lowlights) here - so it's difficult to comment with any degree of certainty. Ignoring someone you're supposed to be in an intimate relationship with for up to a month at a time certainly sounds pretty cold and unloving to me though. So does the habit of ridiculing you when you attempt to address issues that make you unhappy.

 

Is your relationship with this guy something that's going to be difficult to disentangle yourself from? As long as you stay with him, he's probably going to take this as a sign that basically you're okay with his behaviour. You've told him that from your point of view things aren't fine, and from what you say he's responded to that by totally invalidating your feelings.

 

I'm willing to bet that there are times this guy seems to meet your needs in every possible way. How else would he manage to keep you around? Give a person none of what they need, and they'll soon walk away. Give a person what they need some of the time, and they'll keep trying to get more of it. Try your best to meet a person's needs most of the time, place their "needs" above your "wants" - and you have a relationship. Provided, of course, that they reciprocate in kind.

 

What do you think you'll end up doing about this situation you're currently in?

[smile95]

well a little backgroud. He is going thru a div, has a child, we are long dist and have been for 3 yrs, and he is currently ignoring me and I am no longer contacting him. this is the 6th time he has ignored me for a month and always calls me when he is less stressed and talks me into coming back. My goal is to be strong enough when/if he calls again to stay away. I was not happy with him. I tried and did a lot for him and it was never reciprocated. I let so much slide and that is prob why he thinks he can do this and I will go back. This time I am setting myself up to not go back. Yes, when I see him(which is not even 3 times/yr) he is great and that is what keeps me hanging on. Wait........that just made me kinda sick......I see this man 3 times a yr! And they are not even planned trips by him! ME! Hmmmmm. so what is he getting out of keeping me around?why does he always return? My guess is that as soon as he thinks I found someone to treat me good, he puts on the charm to get the control back.

[dgiirl]

Originally posted by lindya

There have been times I've felt emotionally abused in a relationship. Looking back, I can see ways in which the person responsible for that behaviour could equally accuse me of emotional abuse on a more passive-aggressive level. We can try, but it's a difficult thing to cut out of our lives altogether. The important thing is that we try, and we communicate with other people in the effort to address our more destructive behaviours. The person who proudly advertises his or her own selfishness, lack of compassion and uncompromising stance probably has issues that you don't want to get too entangled in.

 

That's very interesting. A lot of people are starting to say that I've been emotionally abused. I'm not exactly sure what it meant, but I'm thinking the same way as you are. There are times where I havent been very nice either, and it's hard to say who did what first. It's just a vicious cycle for way too long.

[lindya]

Originally posted by beth5201

I see this man 3 times a yr! And they are not even planned trips by him! ME! Hmmmmm. so what is he getting out of keeping me around?

 

Putting aside who or what this man really wants, needs and is... think about the person he likes to advertise himself as being. Do you interact with him in a way that feeds that self image? That in itself could be a good enough reason for him to keep you in his life, though I'm sure there are many others.

 

You only see him about 3 times a year. Are there benefits to that as well as disadvantages? I'm not trying to encourage you to stay in a relationship with him. Far from it. I do think, though, that the first step to leaving a destructive relationship is often to figure out exactly what it is you get from it. Once you've figured out that it's possible to get those same things (and much more besides) elsewhere, it can make it that little bit easier to leave.

[smile95]

I never really thought of it that way. I have a tendency to feed into his ego. I am very much that girl who makes her guy feel like God. Guess it worked! He even said to me once that I have a way of making a guy feel so great. What I get out of it is a phone call from him (sometimes) that says he loves me. I want to be loved. I love to take care of people and make them happy. that really makes me think....what AMI getting out of this. Heartache and disappointment. The only good things are when he talks of the future and I dream of that and the time we spend together is great too. The small amt of time! But, yes, I havenever done anything to hurt him, if anything, I have built up his ego! So, how do I focus on getting out and moving on? and not "will he ever call me?"

 

I want to be loved again and feel in love.

[ConfusedInOC]

Telling someone "No one will ever be able to love you as much as I do..." is the same thing as saying "You're unloveable and only I am capable of that.." He's trying to say you won't find anyone better.

 

The truth is, you can and will.

 

As for the other stuff, that's not abusive per say, he's just a jerk.

[Craig]

Beth & everyone, here is a link that gives some good information the different kinds of abuse.

 

http://www.edvp.org/AboutDV/whatisabuse.htm

[lindya]

Originally posted by beth5201

I have a tendency to feed into his ego. I am very much that girl who makes her guy feel like God. Guess it worked! He even said to me once that I have a way of making a guy feel so great. What I get out of it is a phone call from him (sometimes) that says he loves me. I want to be loved.....But, yes, I havenever done anything to hurt him, if anything, I have built up his ego! So, how do I focus on getting out and moving on? and not "will he ever call me?"

 

I want to be loved again and feel in love.

 

 

Assume that for as long as he believes you're going to carry on meeting his needs, whilst aspiring to being as low maintenance a girlfriend as possible, he will continue to call. Take the current "silent treatment" as a sign that you delivered a message about his negative behaviour a little more effectively than you normally manage to do.

 

At the moment he's probably "teaching you a lesson" for whatever misdemeanour he believes you've committed. No doubt curiosity will get the better of him and he'll call again to find out whether you've learned said lesson and are willing to come back to heel. If you do, he'll reward you with another few crumbs of affection. I don't doubt it. After all, why wouldn't he want to carry on getting from you all the things he's been getting so far?

 

Prepare yourself, however, for the fact that the moment you stop pumping hot air into his ego and start trying to communicate with whoever or whatever lies underneath it, things might turn nasty. He could well take the view that you no longer serve any useful purpose. Don't be astonished if, at that point, his behaviour towards you turns heart-stoppingly cold and unpleasant. You've seen glimpses of that side of him already, it seems. Expect to see a good deal more of it when you stop making him "feel great" and start trying to communicate with him as a mature adult.

 

Be aware that when all's said and done, any coldness, nastiness and rejection you'll get from him is fundamentally akin to the behaviour of a self-absorbed four year old child slapping you for saying "no more ice cream". You should respond accordingly. Once you've witnessed what happens when you really stop pandering to this man's ego, I think you might well find that getting out and moving on becomes an urgent priority rather than something you have to focus on trying to do.

[rainshadow]

Ignoring me for periods of time(silent treatment)-could be a day, could be a month

 

Making up stories intentially to make me jealous and then telling me after I get really upset that he just lies to get a rise out of me

 

Not comforting me when I am upset and hurt(hell, not even talking to me).

 

Telling me that we have no problems and we are fine everytime I want to discuss something about "us".

 

Telling me that no one will ever love me like he did-they will try and fail

 

Making and breaking promises to me-letting me down all the time

 

When he will not talk to me and says we have no problems, I email my thoughts and once I asked what he thought and he was like "all I read was blah" . We are fine and you are over reacting.

 

 

Personally, I think they are definite signs of emotional abuse. I grew up with an emotionally abusive mother and I've read a lot of information about it because I'm wary of it in my own relationships.

 

 

Emotional abuse can be characterized by control, withdrawal, game playing, unpredictable mood swings, rejecting, isolating, denying affection or support, and the biggest one is that over time, the abuser will erode your self-esteem by making you think that any problems in the relationship are your fault.

 

If you talk things over with your BF and he agrees with you and makes efforts to change (as in goes to counselling or really demonstrates a willingness to change) then there is potential. However, if the blame still falls on you and he's in denial about the ways in which he not only damages the relationship, but your feelings, then I definitely support what others have said here.

 

It won't go away unless the person seeks help. Trust me, I had to grow up with an emotionally abusive mother and the scars are long lasting. A loving relationship is one where you feel as though you are accepted, nurtured and protected as your authentic and true self. You should not have to change who you are to please someone else. You deserve to be loved by someone who really acknowledges your worth.

 

Here's a link you might consider looking at - there's another excellent one I came across awhile back but can't find it. hope this helps somewhat:

 

http://eqi.org/eabuse1.htm

[smile95]

thanks everyone......I guess from the past, I know that deep down he is not who I thought he was and that is what hurts most I think. I thought I was getting better and today I broke down and cried and when I cry I just feel so awful. I instantlywant to call him and leave him a message, but this time I did not give in. I know he will ignore me and then I will feel worse.

 

Logically, I know that he is not right for me. But, I love this man. Sounds dumb after all I have wrote about him. It is hard to swallow the fact that the only reason he calls me back is prob for selfish reason-to feed his ego. He always said how he loved how Iwould just run up to him and kiss him-saying no one ever did that to him before and no one ever made him feel so loveable.

 

How do I get closure on my own. Won't I always wonder if he is going to call me one day> It sounds dumb, but I want him to call and me be able to turn HIM down. That would do wonders for me. I know that sounds odd.

 

I guess it is safe to say that knowing him and what he has done before, he will call. I have to be prepared if he does. I have done nothing to deserve this treatment. If I had, I would understand better. This is just his way of dealing with stress in his life. run.

 

I am really disappointed that I cried today..........................why oh why am I letting him control my entire life! My mood is shot now!

 

I ownder in his head at what point he decides to call me. So calling him saying we can be friends when he is readyis only telling him that I am still into him-right? bad move?

[Craig]

Originally posted by beth5201

I ownder in his head at what point he decides to call me. So calling him saying we can be friends when he is readyis only telling him that I am still into him-right? bad move?

Bad move, yes. About the best thing you can do for yourself is to start No Contact (NC) and start getting your life back. It takes time, sometimes it hurts but it gets better.

[lindya]

Originally posted by beth5201

 

How do I get closure on my own. Won't I always wonder if he is going to call me one day> It sounds dumb, but I want him to call and me be able to turn HIM down. That would do wonders for me. I know that sounds odd.

 

It doesn't sound odd at all, but I wouldn't hold my breath. If he's got an inkling that you really have had enough this time, then I doubt he'll give you the opportunity to reject him.

 

Everyone looks for that big red neon sign that says they're finally over their ex, and I don't think it ever comes. I think you just get little glimpses of it here and there as the feelings, hopes and dreams gradually fade away.

[smile95]

I have been doing NC for 11 days and it seems like it has been 11 weeks! I really hope you are right about dreams fading. I am counting on it. I am sticking to NC. Last time he called after 6 weeks and I was so excited to hear from him that I fell back into the trap. I guess when he needs an ego boost or thinks I have foind someone else, he will call me. nice. and this is who i love? ugh

[Mary3]

Why would you settle for someone you only see 3 times a year ?

Why would you settle for someone who does not live within driving distance ?

Why would you allow such brief encounters as opposed to being together sharing quality time ?

 

He most definately has some issues and he has introduced them into your life. The fact that he does this abuse and you still * come back * 6 times tells me that you might want to get some counseling of your own.

 

There is nothing more valuable than ending an Unhealthy Relationship .

 

These needs that you have to be with him despite his cruel words and actions tells me he knows he can play you at his own will, on his own terms , in his own time.

 

But this is YOUR life ! So you want to take CONTROL of it ! No Contact is in order for this one.

 

How dare he say the things he says to you. You ARE loveable and TOO GOOD for him ! Go on Girl ! Get some help, get right with yourself through counseling and learn to detect the abusive behaviors

 

FYI your type of abuse is also Neglect. When he ignores you and your emotional needs and plays silent treatment.

 

Its all NO GOOD.

 

Time to find out a real loving relationship can mean for you

[smile95]

thanks Mary! The thing is....he is a good person...or is that what he wants me to think? You are so right? Why do I put up with crumbs! I have gone to a therapist in the past, but it really did not help?

 

Part of the problem is that I have never had a good relationship and I am not sure what it is? Somehow his behavior has become normal to me and I tell storeis and jaws drop as I think it is normal?

 

Am I just a puppet more or less to him? I do believe he loves me, but I also think that I am just someone there when HE has time,

. Is neglect really abuse? what kind of person just takes time away w/out telling the other one? And then comes back and acts like nothing has changed! ugh

[FiguringitoutinFL]

I must confess that I did many of the same things to my ex-fiancee that your boyfriend is doing to you. It took her to leave me for me to understand the pain that I caused her, because I had neglected, ignored, and put her down. I sought counseling for this and I hope your boyfriend has the fortitude to do the same before it develops into something more serious. I am a good person and I'm sure he is too but he needs help.

 

As many have already suggested to you it is best that you take back control of your life, much like my ex did with me. Thankfully I am a better person because of it and she is much happier. I hope you can do the same for yourself.

 

You are probably a much stronger person than you realize!

[smile95]

everyone tells me that I am stronger than I think........it is ahrd when I love him. I know he loves me, but he does not see(or care) that I am hurting here. He will not change. I have not called him in about 13 days after he ignored me for 2 wks. Usually he will call me back, but I almost do not want him to this time. What do I do if I love him????? How do I know I can love agian?

[Mary3]

This is taken from what you said and pasted with () showing what this means :Ignoring me for periods of time(silent treatment)-could be a day, could be a month ( Ignoring you is Punishment . It Punishment he perceives that you deserve. How did he learn it ? From his past most likely. A Parent ignored him and he is doing the same to you. This is Abuse Emotionally and Neglect )

 

Making up stories intentially to make me jealous and then telling me after I get really upset that he just lies to get a rise out of me. ( This descerns attention and he gets the attention from you by making you jealous. This is an INSECURE immature Jerk ! You cannot love someone who is taunting and teasing you...at least not in a healthy way )

 

Not comforting me when I am upset and hurt(hell, not even talking to me). ( This is emotional abuse and neglect . If he LOVED you then YOU would come FIRST, your FEELINGS but instead he is not comforting you because he does not know how , because he probrobly was not comforted as a child

 

Telling me that we have no problems and we are fine everytime I want to discuss something about "us". ( he is playing mind games with you and OF COURSE he is going to mess with your head and say its all in your immagination. He sounds like a sociopath ! Look that one up on Google. I had a bf that used to do that to me...I would APOLOGIZe for things he did to me ! I am verrrrrrrrrrrrrrrry glad I got out of that relationship

 

Telling me that no one will ever love me like he did-they will try and fail. ( this Is emotional abuse and he wants you to believe your are unlovable ! ) You are verrrrrrry lovable and you will find that out through time and research and GETTING THE HECK AWAY FROM HIM !

 

Making and breaking promises to me-letting me down all the time. ( This is emotiHnal abuse and hurting you intentionally with NO regard to your feelings !

 

When he will not talk to me and says we have no probelms, I email my thoughts and once I asked what he thought and he was like "all I read was blah" . We are fine and you are over reacting. ( he is a disrespetful piece of crap of a human being that you need to GET OUT of your life ! )

 

 

 

Please try this : If he lives with you give him 7 days to GET OUT ! If he does NOT live with you THANK GOD ! If he does not live with you I want you to send him an email ( he does NOT deserve a phone call ) and tell him its over. I want you to NEXT change your Cell number and home phone number. Then Delete his email and block it. Give him his closure . Tell him its OVER ! THEN stay On LOVE SHACK and we will try and help you all the way to get away from this worthless abuser whom you * love * but you cannot LOVE him because you dont LOVE yourself ! He does not LOVE you because he does not know what LOVE IS ! Please use your Google search engine and spend hours on there finding out about abuse, getting help, staying away and going to the womens shelter for free couseling on abusive men

 

Good Luck !

[smile95]

wow thank you soooo much. I am saving your post to read and reread in my weak moments. He does not live with me, so I am just going to stick to no contact and move on. I will think about changing my # tho. He usually calls after a month or so and professes his love for me. I have tosay that his past could be why he treats me this way. He was bounced from moms house to dads and was in the military a while. I cannot say thank you enough. Reading that verified that I was NOT overreacting and he is treting me badly. I fooled myself into thinking loved this man?? It still hurts, but I am hoping that one day I can look back and help someone out on LS and say, "I am so in love with the man of my dreams and I never would have met him had I not moved on after ______ did this". I assume that he will call one day. I am kinda scared of how I will react. Maybe he will not this time and just continue his selfish life alone. But me not contacting him is telling him i do not want him and that will kill his ego! Thank you so much!!!!

[smile95]

an afterthought........those things I listed are not things I should have to put up with right? It is something people put up with normally?

[Mary3]

Sorry my server was down all day !

It is not normal to put up with abuse like that but I was walking in your shoes as well and there were men who hurt me both emotionally and physically and its like falling in a dark well....

 

You dont know how you fell down there...you dont like being in the dark well and the only voice you hear is your abuser telling you that you DESERVE to be in the dark well of pain.

 

You struggle for months or years trying to get out of the dark well and you have only his demeaning voice playing words in your head over and over...

 

One day you TELL someone that you are being abused and it becomes Liberating ! A weight is lifted off your chest and you feel like with work you can climb out of the well...

 

I think Love Shack was your voice you heard telling you that you COULD get out of the well of pain and with strategic planning and determination you can stay OUT of the dark well and LEARN how not to be around people who have serious emotional issues .

 

But at the same time you have to take some of the blame for falling in the well...you have to learn about YOU and why you did what you did.

 

I am serious about going to the battered womans shelter.....its not for just women who are homeless or beaten, it is a place where women talk to other women with professionals about their abuse and you take classes which are FREE and they tell you all about abusive men and how to avoide them Please contact your local shelter and ask if they offer counseling.

 

If you doubt my success I can tell its been 7 years without abuse and that will continue the rest of my life. Yes I meet men who show characteristics of alot of warning signs , as soon as you use your Radar, you will be able to detect signs of future abusers and you can run like He@@ !!

 

Warning signs : He tells you he hates his mom and most women who are referred to as bitches. He may not come out and say those things exactly but pretty close.

 

He tells you he has no success with women and he does not like them having the freedom they do and he did not TRUST ( almost ALL ) the women he met.

 

He has no steady relationship history and is shady about mentioning the fact that he has a police record for assualt . ( this is an extreme example because not all men want relationships and do not have a police record so you cant solely base that on what they will end up treating you like...)

 

He just acts weird and possessive and clingy around you and pretty soon he does not want you to see your friends...family....ONCE that happens thats when the real seclusion and abuse begins

 

PLease please be more aware of what men are doing and any time you want to post here at Love Shack we will help you if you are uneasy about a man.

 

Dont lose contact,. Good luck in your recovery

[westernxer]

It's not emotional abuse if you refuse to tolerate it.

[Mary3]

True : But some people take longer than others to recognize the signs. Or they dont feel worthy in some subconscious level and do tolerate it. But the most important factor is to learn to recognize abusive behavior and avoid it.

[Craig]

Originally posted by westernxer

It's not emotional abuse if you refuse to tolerate it.

False. Abuse is abuse.