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Don't Break Up Too Soon


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When I have come to a point in a relationship that I am thinking about breaking up with my partner I think there is a such thing as breaking up too soon. In other words it may be best to wait until the resentment has built up to the point that I can't stand her and feel disgusted to be near her. This way by the time I break up with her I won't be tempted to look back.

 

In those cases when the dumper regrets their decision it is because they made the exit too soon. They didn't allow enough time for resentment and disgust to build up. So when a dumper ends the relationship on impulse and not thinking long and hard about it then they are more likely to miss their ex and remember the good times and good qualities and forget why they ended the relationship in the first place.

 

Usually when women are the dumpers they have thought about it for 2-6 months before executing their decision. That's why women are less likely to come back than men are when men are the dumpers. I think men and women would be wise not to be quick to make decisions about breaking up as regret will seep in. When we make the decision to leave we want to make sure we won't have a reason to look back.

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toomanyquestions123

I dont understand why dumpers would regret their decisions, if they took this decision at the first place it means they just wanted to leave and they couldnt stand the significant other anymore. Why after a while later they would regret this ? I dont think they do but maybe they feel so lonely & the grass is not that greener on the other side they come back with breadcrumbs, but i dont think my ex ever regretted leaving me. Because the way he left was so heartless to believe he would regret it at a certain point.

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Whenever I have broken up with a guy, it's usually after mulling it over for a while and various attempts to explain the issues to the guy to make him resolve them before I walk away for good. It's really sad when he suddenly says he'll work on things after you break up with him but just seems to ignore what you say when you're dating :(.

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Whenever I have broken up with a guy, it's usually after mulling it over for a while and various attempts to explain the issues to the guy to make him resolve them before I walk away for good. It's really sad when he suddenly says he'll work on things after you break up with him but just seems to ignore what you say when you're dating :(.

 

My ex did this, but it was only in hindsight that I figured it out, she never came out and told me straight up. I was having issues with my business, had a rough summer. She kept bringing up how to improve my business and get the money flowing in, and I kept telling her I knew what I was doing. She was missing the point of why my business was not doing well. At no time did she mention it was a make or break thing. She was one of those folks that had one-sided relationship discussions in her head.

 

Within a week of breaking up with me my business took off again. Her words "why couldn't you have done this while you were with me?!". I explained it started when I was with her these things take time. I had a plan and it worked. She never read my plan she asked me to share with her.

 

I am now on track to make over 100k this year, and she is with some one else.

 

I wish she was more like you, but I realize now it would have been pointless. She never actually told me this was a make or break issue instead she analyzed everything that was said and had the one sided arguments in her head. I knew her for 24 years, first serious girlfriend at 18/19 and then again recently until we broke up.

 

I'm still madly in love with her but realize life is funny like that....get dumped, days later get over 15k in monthly contract work. One of is heartbroken the other left for someone else who had money.

 

Love sucks lol

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My ex did this, but it was only in hindsight that I figured it out, she never came out and told me straight up. I was having issues with my business, had a rough summer. She kept bringing up how to improve my business and get the money flowing in, and I kept telling her I knew what I was doing. She was missing the point of why my business was not doing well. At no time did she mention it was a make or break thing. She was one of those folks that had one-sided relationship discussions in her head.

 

Within a week of breaking up with me my business took off again. Her words "why couldn't you have done this while you were with me?!". I explained it started when I was with her these things take time. I had a plan and it worked. She never read my plan she asked me to share with her.

 

I am now on track to make over 100k this year, and she is with some one else.

 

I wish she was more like you, but I realize now it would have been pointless. She never actually told me this was a make or break issue instead she analyzed everything that was said and had the one sided arguments in her head. I knew her for 24 years, first serious girlfriend at 18/19 and then again recently until we broke up.

 

I'm still madly in love with her but realize life is funny like that....get dumped, days later get over 15k in monthly contract work. One of is heartbroken the other left for someone else who had money.

 

Love sucks lol

 

With my current ex, I never quite told him explicitly that it was 'make or break' but he did ask me "Am I losing you?" and I said "I hope not" but nothing changed after I said that...I would have thought he'd have clicked on at that point. :( Now he's saying all these sweet things and I just can't bring myself to believe him after all the struggle after trying to them resolved while we were together.

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With my current ex, I never quite told him explicitly that it was 'make or break' but he did ask me "Am I losing you?" and I said "I hope not" but nothing changed after I said that...I would have thought he'd have clicked on at that point. :( Now he's saying all these sweet things and I just can't bring myself to believe him after all the struggle after trying to them resolved while we were together.

 

 

Sometimes us guys need to be kicked in the head lol. I never had a clue anything was wrong until the night she dumped me. She was still telling me how uch she loved me, initiating sex, telling me how beautiful I was to her, making future plans, all the day of getting dumped. Then I heard it all hours later on the phone when she dumped me....."business and money", "refusing to work in an office", "giving your father money you do not have", "you have so much potential", etc. It all came out and that was the end of a 24-year chapter in my life. Days later my fortunes changed.

 

I realize now she left me for another man, with money. As I said I am still in love with her, but realize she left for money and was crappy at communication. I have close to 30k after 2 months in my bank account, and it has not made me happy. I fell in love with an illusion and realize if someone can't communicate with something they claim to value it's best to get dumped.

 

I have read about your situation, I feel for you and wish you the best. I know how hard it must be for you. Good luck with your journey my friend.

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Whenever I have broken up with a guy, it's usually after mulling it over for a while and various attempts to explain the issues to the guy to make him resolve them before I walk away for good. It's really sad when he suddenly says he'll work on things after you break up with him but just seems to ignore what you say when you're dating :(.

 

 

From my personal experience, female dumper's never give you a heads up about issues that could lead to a breakup. Sure, maybe they give cryptic clues, but it's never a straight up eye-to-eye conversation.

 

 

The fact you said its sad how guys get it only after the breakup proves that point exactly.

 

 

If your going to sit a guy down in advance of a breakup as a last ditched effort to save the relationship, that conversation needs to hit a nerve as much as a breakup would, otherwise there's probably no point even trying.

 

 

Dumpers and people thinking about dumping need to act how they feel. If they feel disgusted, then act disgusted etc. If they did that, then maybe a few dumpees might get the hint before its too late.

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With my current ex, I never quite told him explicitly that it was 'make or break' but he did ask me "Am I losing you?" and I said "I hope not" but nothing changed after I said that...I would have thought he'd have clicked on at that point.

 

You see that is totally cryptic.

 

 

If I was him, I would have been totally clueless about what you even meant.

 

 

Guys are logical and he asked you a direct question. You responded in a cryptic fashion, probably more driven by your emotions. It's almost like your already thinking of the breakup so you couldn't even give a logical/direct response.

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I think the moment you start thinking I'm done/contemplating a breakup- it's over.

The only reason people drag it out beyond that is to line their ducks up or because they lack confidence.

They pretend they need more reasons to justify the breakup when already they've become detached and theres no magical phrase or action their S/O can do to convince them otherwise.

 

On the other hand, I'm 100% team "look out for number one" and even I think if you actually gave a crap about your S/O you should let them know. If it's something that can be changed, it will. I think it's ridiculous how many of these threads say "break up came out of NOWHERE" when you and every king's horseman knew the relationship fell off a long, long time ago and you didn't have the decency to call it then or point out these short comings to somebody to be worked on.

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And sometimes they come out of nowhere. For example, the dumper still sends texts 24/7, still calls on the phone daily, tells you they still have butterflies when they see you every day, still have sex with you until the day of, still tells you they love you even on the last day. plans a trip to the beach the week of, makes future plans the day of and then 2 hours later you get a call and it's over. Then they avoid any serious talk and start dating someone else they spoke to 3 days before they dumped you without a reason...and sometimes you have known them for two plus decades.

 

Of course the reason was they met someone else 3 days before, but to you it' out of the blue and a long term friendship is ruined forever.

 

The best they give you is "we can reconnect down the line, because we're friends, right?".

 

Mine was actually completely out of the blue. No warning, in fact, it was ramping up to something more serious and then she was gone, no goodbye, no help to understand it, just gone.

 

Although I did get a text 10 days later saying to forget about them because they are "damaged", so you reply "he has a weird name, Damaged". Then they call you to defend their actions but it's too late.

 

Some people are really ****ty people.

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Maybe but we are talking more here about those conversations that probably should have happened 6 months before a breakup.

 

 

Dumper's regret etc can still occur if someone had checked out a long time ago. The reason it still happens is because years later the dumper might regret the fact they never had those conversations etc.

 

 

So yeah, at the very least, at least trying to have those conversations even if the writing is on the wall will probably give both parties a little more piece of mind. The dumper can at least say they verbalised their concerns (even if it was unlikely to turn things around) and the dumpee would not feel as blindsided if no conversation had occurred at all.

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I suspect they already had some dumpers remorse. They had it 24 years ago the first time they dumped me, then again this time around they kept contacting me after they found out I knew about the other guy, until I said "never contact me again....ever". I never hated anyone until her, it sucks and it will pass but until then I will not trust or be vulnerable with anyone. You get to a certain age and realize it's all biochemistry and nothing is meant to last, even when society has tried to fight against this with things like marriage and religion. It's all biochemistry and divorce lawyers.

 

 

 

I like what you are saying though. I also still stick by my statement that many folks are ****ty people in the end, they're cowards, and or they try and assuage their guilt and justify things after the fact.

 

If your relationship or SO mean anything to you, you should be crystal clear, if not you don't give a rat's ass about anyone but yourself. That's not love or caring it's wanting to take a ride without the responsibility of crashing the car.

 

The way things end says a lot about who you are.

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The way things end says a lot about who you are.

 

Agreed. It's amazing how much more you learn about people during and in the aftermath of a breakup.

 

 

Anyone can kid their way during a breakup and possibly after but everyone shows their true colours during the breakup itself.

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Those dumpers who didn't give any warning signs before the breakup might be professional daters who know how to feign high interest in you to throw off your suspicions. They are users and manipulators and sociopaths.

 

As much as we hate to admit it all of us run the risk of being deceived by a sociopath because they are very good at mimicking sincerity to get what they want. They study you and learn about your weak spots and learn how to predict certain reactions from you to work to their advantage.

 

Even if you think you're good at reading people you may still get it wrong sometimes.

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You see that is totally cryptic.

 

 

If I was him, I would have been totally clueless about what you even meant.

 

 

Guys are logical and he asked you a direct question. You responded in a cryptic fashion, probably more driven by your emotions. It's almost like your already thinking of the breakup so you couldn't even give a logical/direct response.

 

Well I did cry a lot in front of him and I asked him a lot about whether he wanted to settle down but he would avoid talking about and tell me "not for another twenty years" then later he denied he said it even though I remembered it clearly and then another time he said it again. My mind was an emotional rollercoaster. It still really hurts that the reality that he couldn't be my forever man has hit me. :'( So don't blame me...I wouldn't thought that he'd have tried harder to reassure me than just insisting "twenty years". It's honestly really upsetting. Please read my thread on this board for the full context of my situation.

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Those dumpers who didn't give any warning signs before the breakup might be professional daters who know how to feign high interest in you to throw off your suspicions. They are users and manipulators and sociopaths.

 

As much as we hate to admit it all of us run the risk of being deceived by a sociopath because they are very good at mimicking sincerity to get what they want. They study you and learn about your weak spots and learn how to predict certain reactions from you to work to their advantage.

 

Even if you think you're good at reading people you may still get it wrong sometimes.

 

Yeah that's what my ex was like. I'm a deep thinker so it takes me a while to say exactly what I'm thinking in every way. I probably hint at things here and there but that's not malicious or deliberate. Whereas my ex lied to me and I keep letters through the post from him guilt tripping me :(.

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I suspect they already had some dumpers remorse. They had it 24 years ago the first time they dumped me, then again this time around they kept contacting me after they found out I knew about the other guy, until I said "never contact me again....ever". I never hated anyone until her, it sucks and it will pass but until then I will not trust or be vulnerable with anyone. You get to a certain age and realize it's all biochemistry and nothing is meant to last, even when society has tried to fight against this with things like marriage and religion. It's all biochemistry and divorce lawyers.

 

 

 

I like what you are saying though. I also still stick by my statement that many folks are ****ty people in the end, they're cowards, and or they try and assuage their guilt and justify things after the fact.

 

If your relationship or SO mean anything to you, you should be crystal clear, if not you don't give a rat's ass about anyone but yourself. That's not love or caring it's wanting to take a ride without the responsibility of crashing the car.

 

The way things end says a lot about who you are.

 

 

Well said my friend!!!

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Yeah that's what my ex was like. I'm a deep thinker so it takes me a while to say exactly what I'm thinking in every way. I probably hint at things here and there but that's not malicious or deliberate. Whereas my ex lied to me and I keep letters through the post from him guilt tripping me :(.

 

From your original posting about the breakup I would agree you were pretty clear on what you voiced and needed and also a lot of other events/actions that most likely was not out of the blue and or really leaving any mystery as to why you guys broke up.

 

I also think from your other posting about self-esteem you are showing you are ready to move on and "improve" yourself.

 

As for him communicating and him trying to make you feel guilty, I did that a bit. He was most likely shocked you pulled the trigger and he lost control of the situation. Shocked as in he knew there were issues but that it ended. My case was more just shock, out of nowhere, when we did talk about what happened the story constantly changed and at one point she even made up the most bizarre excuse I have ever heard. In the end the shock for me was she met another guy from her past, just like me also from her past, and jumped ship. My breakup was literally out of the blue. I don;t think you did that to your ex from what I have read.

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toomanyquestions123
And sometimes they come out of nowhere. For example, the dumper still sends texts 24/7, still calls on the phone daily, tells you they still have butterflies when they see you every day, still have sex with you until the day of, still tells you they love you even on the last day. plans a trip to the beach the week of, makes future plans the day of and then 2 hours later you get a call and it's over. Then they avoid any serious talk and start dating someone else they spoke to 3 days before they dumped you without a reason...and sometimes you have known them for two plus decades.

 

Of course the reason was they met someone else 3 days before, but to you it' out of the blue and a long term friendship is ruined forever.

 

The best they give you is "we can reconnect down the line, because we're friends, right?".

 

Mine was actually completely out of the blue. No warning, in fact, it was ramping up to something more serious and then she was gone, no goodbye, no help to understand it, just gone.

 

Although I did get a text 10 days later saying to forget about them because they are "damaged", so you reply "he has a weird name, Damaged". Then they call you to defend their actions but it's too late.

 

Some people are really ****ty people.

 

YUP, thats what happened to me HAHA the night before the breakup was the night were i woke up & said damn we are so much in love. I AM SO LUCKY LOL

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From your original posting about the breakup I would agree you were pretty clear on what you voiced and needed and also a lot of other events/actions that most likely was not out of the blue and or really leaving any mystery as to why you guys broke up.

 

I also think from your other posting about self-esteem you are showing you are ready to move on and "improve" yourself.

 

As for him communicating and him trying to make you feel guilty, I did that a bit. He was most likely shocked you pulled the trigger and he lost control of the situation. Shocked as in he knew there were issues but that it ended. My case was more just shock, out of nowhere, when we did talk about what happened the story constantly changed and at one point she even made up the most bizarre excuse I have ever heard. In the end the shock for me was she met another guy from her past, just like me also from her past, and jumped ship. My breakup was literally out of the blue. I don;t think you did that to your ex from what I have read.

 

See I don't think she was worth too much grumbling over as it is on her with meeting another guy and her lack of integrity for not being straight with you. If they go for someone else, the love is gone...although I know how you feel with it happening out of the blue. I've experienced that too and it's horrible. I hope you are feeling much better now.

 

I'm a very giving person and I don't play games...I think a man motivated by love would pick up on a change and seek to address it before it was too late but he was a very evasive person. It's hard when you can't bring up issues without the other getting annoyed because they can't be wrong about something.

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