I don’t know what to make of this

[Heartbroken75169]

Ok, so here’s it goes.

About 3 weeks my fiancé and I broke up after 10 years, we have a 5 year old daughter and a house we weren’t together.

 

So we have continued to live together although in desperate bedrooms.

 

She works full time and I am a contractor that gets a high paying job here and there but mostly I’m at home.

 

Since the break up she has found interest in one of her co workers, they text back and forth from the time she wakes up at 6:30am until she goes to bed around 10pm.

 

They also try and spend time with each other outside of work.

She told me last night that part of her wants to give this guy a chance and see where it goes, I.E she wants to date him, at least part of her does.

 

Anyways, the part that confuses me, she says that part of her wants to try and she doesn’t want me to move out quite yet, her and I still do things outside of the house together and we always have a good time.

We have given each other massages and we have also had sex a couple of times.

 

Some days it seems like she wants to try and fix our relationship and other days it seems like she is only interested in the other guy.

 

I don’t know what my move is here, what do I do?

[Heartbroken75169]

Just thought I should mention that I DO want her back, and that I wanna fix this, so really I’m just looking for advice that leans in that direction.

[Zahara]

The only way to "fix it" is to force her hand. Staying in the background while she decides how she wants to transition only enables her indecision and perpetuates YOUR pain.

 

The woman is telling you she is seeing another man and you're basically sitting there in subservience and allowing her to dictate your fate. Don't you see how damaging it is and how disrespectful it is to you?

 

I understand you are in pain but you need to step away. She will either realize the loss of you and chose to stay with you or she will move on. Either way you get to live your live and focus forward.

Edited October 10, 2017 by Zahara

[Heartbroken75169]

Unfortunately that is part of the reason she left me in the first place, because I was to controlling.

She said she felt like she could never make any decision without my approval so that is one of the biggest reasons behind the split.

Not really wanting to try and "force" her hand, I really just want her to make the decision that I'm better than this other guy.

 

I've tried the talking approach but she says that since we broke up the only thing I want to talk about is how to work on us, and that she doesn't wanna do that.

 

The love we have had in the past is one of the strongest I have ever seen, we could go through anything together and come out the other side just as good as when we went in.

 

So I know that it is there, I just don't know how to rekindle the romantic love that we once had.

[Zahara]

Unfortunately that is part of the reason she left me in the first place, because I was to controlling.

She said she felt like she could never make any decision without my approval so that is one of the biggest reasons behind the split.

Not really wanting to try and "force" her hand, I really just want her to make the decision that I'm better than this other guy.

 

When I say force her hand -- that has nothing to do with being controlling. It has everything to do with finding your dignity and not allowing her to disrespect you by sleeping with another man yet keeping you in the corner until she decides if she wants to choose you.

 

Are you really saying that to make up for your controlling nature, your resolve is to sit back and accept that she's sleeping with another man, while she sleeps with you and keeps you on the backburner? You know better than this.

 

I think you're using that as an excuse to stay where you are because you fear the alternative.

 

I've tried the talking approach but she says that since we broke up the only thing I want to talk about is how to work on us, and that she doesn't wanna do that.

 

She's telling you but unfortunately you don't want to accept it.

 

The love we have had in the past is one of the strongest I have ever seen, we could go through anything together and come out the other side just as good as when we went in.

 

Don't project. She doesn't feel the same way anymore. In order for a relationship to work it requires two invested partners. Not one. She already told you she does not want to "work on us".

Edited October 10, 2017 by Zahara

[Heartbroken75169]

Its all just a lot easier said than done.

 

I wish it was as easy as just disconnecting myself from the situation, but my mind only wants to focus on her and I, there is nothing I can seem to do to get my mind off of the reality (to me at least) that we could be very happy together if she just gave me the opportunity.

[Zahara]

Its all just a lot easier said than done.

 

I wish it was as easy as just disconnecting myself from the situation, but my mind only wants to focus on her and I, there is nothing I can seem to do to get my mind off of the reality (to me at least) that we could be very happy together if she just gave me the opportunity.

 

I know it's not easy. I've been through my fair share of pain and disappointments so I know detaching is a difficult process.

 

You came here for advice. No one is going to tell you that what you're doing is to your benefit. It may take time for you to do the right thing but you need to start coming to terms with the reality of your situation.

 

At least start taking steps to move out. Once you're away from her, you'll be able to find some emotional peace and maybe distance will help you gain mental clarity. Attaching yourself to what pains you is destructive and counter productive.

[Zahara]

Its all just a lot easier said than done.

 

I wish it was as easy as just disconnecting myself from the situation, but my mind only wants to focus on her and I, there is nothing I can seem to do to get my mind off of the reality (to me at least) that we could be very happy together if she just gave me the opportunity.

 

I know it's not easy. I've been through my fair share of pain and disappointments so I know detaching is a difficult process.

 

You came here for advice. No one is going to tell you that what you're doing is to your benefit. It may take time for you to do the right thing but you need to start coming to terms with the reality of your situation.

 

At least start taking steps to move out. Once you're away from her, you'll be able to find some level of emotional peace and maybe distance will help you gain mental clarity. Attaching yourself to what pains you because you're afraid to let go is destructive and counter productive.