Breadcrumbs are not the way to go...

[A_New_Earth]

I thought I’d sum up what I was trying to say because this forum has been a lifeline for me all year and I think it’s important to ‘give something back’.

 

So, if you’re in any doubt whether you want ‘breadcrumbs’ (or whether you should reply etc.) then this should be an interesting read for you.

I had an eight year relationship end in November 2014. She upped and left in the worst way imaginable and never spoke to again.

 

There was an engagement ring in my top drawer that I was all but ready to give her on Xmas day (seven weeks later). She had been sleeping with someone else and on November 6th, she left while I was out and never responded to anything (texts/calls/emails). Her sister told me she was in a ‘relationship’ four weeks after she left our home (we had lived together for seven years) and I was numb with shock. Over the course of the next month or so I pieced everything together and she had been seeing this guy behind my back for over a month. Suddenly, a few things made more ‘sense’…but we had even recently talked about children etc. so I was literally in so much shock.

 

I drank myself stupid and do what people do. Staying out late, getting up late etc. But the more I found out about her the easier it was to ‘get over’. I had a few rebound crushes that never led to anything over the next six months and then hit the gym etc. In December 2015 I met a girl on Facebook. We had known ‘of’ each other at college but connected through Facebook (nearly twenty years later). We flirted, met up, hit it off and began a relationship.

 

RED FLAGS came after a month or so. She said she was ‘in love’ with her therapist but that I should understand that this was ‘normal’. From everything I’ve read this year, she was a classic narcissist. Apart from the ‘mind connection’ it wasn’t the best relationship and it ended BADLY around six months later.

 

I could go on and on and on about the way she treated me, but the point of this thread is simply to highlight the massive ‘difference’ between ‘breadcrumbs’ and ‘no contact’. So…here it is:

 

For over a year I have responded to breadcrumbs from this recent ex. Photographs of herself when I’m ‘just’ about feeling okay. Special ‘cards’ in the post when I’m ‘just’ about feeling okay. Telling me about upcoming ‘dates’ (simply to hurt me). It’s truly been a nightmare and the relationship wasn’t even very good to begin with.

 

So, I can tell you this from hands on experience. ‘The One’ left me, after an 8-year-relationship and betrayed me in the worst way possible. She never spoke to me again. The recent ex/relationship ended mutually after six months and over a year of chit-chat/breadcrumbs ensued. Which do you think caused more pain? Having the girl I thought I was going to grow old with upping and leaving without EVER speaking to me again? NOPE!

This year has been hell on earth. DON’T PUT YOURSELF THROUGH IT GUYS.

 

When a relationship is over, it’s over. No amount of ‘talking’ is likely to fix it (unless a lot of time has passed by). All the back and forth dramas cause the most acute kind of pain. When you’re in a relationship with someone, a text message means nothing. When you’re not, you can spend 48 hours analysing what “Hey, you! Xx” means. Why did she put kisses? She never usually texts this early? She wouldn’t be messaging me if she was happy with someone else, would she? And the madness continues. Yes, it was very very very painful when my long term relationship ended in that way. But within months, I was able to function. This constant back and forth ‘guessing game’ madness is WAY WORSE.

 

If I’m a ‘dumper’ in future, I will sit that person down and tell them why we’re not compatible and that although I don’t ‘hate’ them, I’ll explain very clearly why I won’t be in touch (at least for a considerable amount of time). If I’m the ‘dumpee’ then the ‘dumper’ will immediately be removed (on every possible platform). It’s just not worth the pain.

 

Hope this helps. And thanks to each and every one of you for helping me through this time. Your honest advice has been so beneficial, I can’t put it into words.

 

Sincere thanks xx

[cocoa342]

I am sorry that you went through what you did but thank you for sharing your experiences and lessons to help those of us who have been through it and are yet to heal or going through it at the moment.

I too am 17 days of no contact with my ex narcissist who dropped me like a hot potato when i uncovered the lies he had told me.

[A_New_Earth]

17 days is awesome. I'm 17 days today too (from this recent ex). I know how hard it can be. It's been eighteen months of cleverly constructed disappearing acts, followed by coming back and 'carrot dangling' just enough to prevent me from moving on. So in the end, when we end up saying "That's it, I'm done..." you still end up looking like the bad guy (because narcissists are geniuses at leaving things 'up in the air' so it leaves the door open).

 

Please just think of yourself now and slam that door shut, swallow the key and leave out the back door. For me, that's consisted of finally blocking on social media, mobile phone and changing my email address. I'm waiting for a long letter in the post (but I'm prepared not to open it).

 

Please just look after number one and I'd highly recommend typing in "Assc Direct" on YouTube. The guy has dozens of videos on narcissists. It will REALLY open your eyes and he has tons of great advice. :-)

 

Best of luck to you.

 

I am sorry that you went through what you did but thank you for sharing your experiences and lessons to help those of us who have been through it and are yet to heal or going through it at the moment.

I too am 17 days of no contact with my ex narcissist who dropped me like a hot potato when i uncovered the lies he had told me.

[Wobugan]

Breadcrumbs suck

 

I used to get them from m ex while we were in NC. I also thought they ment something that they were not with someone else etc.

 

But hey 4 months after our breakup she was with her EX before me which is absolutely gutwrenching.

 

She sent me breakups after they started seeing eachother, absolutely horrible.

 

Feelt so awful when i found out. My whole self esteem gone.

[A_New_Earth]

Sorry to hear this Wobugan. It really does chip away at your self esteem. Did your ex display any 'narcissistic' traits at all? I'd highly recommend watching some YouTube videos on Covert Narcissism. It opened my eyes! Because, when you're ex is supposedly 'happy' and 'moved on' with someone else...why would they 'need' to contact you and send breadcrumbs? It's often because they either aren't too happy in their new relationship or they are still 'feeding' off the fact that they know you still have feelings for them.

 

My most recent ex has 19 out of the 20 'known' covert narcissist traits. It's all so 'clear' now. What bothers me most is that she's training to be a psychotherapist! How sick is that? God help her clients!

 

Hope things pick up for you Wobugan. When the fog has cleared, you'll wonder why you ever dated her in the first place (I know that seems impossible to believe right now).

 

Breadcrumbs suck

 

I used to get them from m ex while we were in NC. I also thought they ment something that they were not with someone else etc.

 

But hey 4 months after our breakup she was with her EX before me which is absolutely gutwrenching.

 

She sent me breakups after they started seeing eachother, absolutely horrible.

 

Feelt so awful when i found out. My whole self esteem gone.

[Wobugan]

Well she sporadically contacted me and my family, sent me wierd things pictures of food etc. Don´t think she is a narcissist but she ended up with a junkee so at least thats good lol.

 

And yes after our breakup she seemd to have the time of her life on social media everything was perfect and everything was nice. It was sides i have never seen of her before.

 

We were together for 4 years, in less than a month she was with the junkee ex, that one hurt so ****ing much.

 

Sorry to hear this Wobugan. It really does chip away at your self esteem. Did your ex display any 'narcissistic' traits at all? I'd highly recommend watching some YouTube videos on Covert Narcissism. It opened my eyes! Because, when you're ex is supposedly 'happy' and 'moved on' with someone else...why would they 'need' to contact you and send breadcrumbs? It's often because they either aren't too happy in their new relationship or they are still 'feeding' off the fact that they know you still have feelings for them.

 

My most recent ex has 19 out of the 20 'known' covert narcissist traits. It's all so 'clear' now. What bothers me most is that she's training to be a psychotherapist! How sick is that? God help her clients!

 

Hope things pick up for you Wobugan. When the fog has cleared, you'll wonder why you ever dated her in the first place (I know that seems impossible to believe right now).

Edited October 16, 2017 by Wobugan

[A_New_Earth]

That sucks WOBUGAN!

 

There is strong 'proof' that the best indicator of future behaviour is to analyse the patterns of past behaviour. I hope I'm wrong, but considering this girl is back with her junkie ex...I think she'll be back 'after' you in the not too distant future. I hope you're healed enough by that time to not let her back in (they seem to be able to 'smell' it in the air when we're 'almost' there!).

 

If/when she does come back...I hope you have the strength to say 'no thanks'. You deserve better.

 

 

Well she sporadically contacted me and my family, sent me wierd things pictures of food etc. Don´t think she is a narcissist but she ended up with a junkee so at least thats good lol.

 

And yes after our breakup she seemd to have the time of her life on social media everything was perfect and everything was nice. It was sides i have never seen of her before.

 

We were together for 4 years, in less than a month she was with the junkee ex, that one hurt so ****ing much.

[Wobugan]

That sucks WOBUGAN!

 

There is strong 'proof' that the best indicator of future behaviour is to analyse the patterns of past behaviour. I hope I'm wrong, but considering this girl is back with her junkie ex...I think she'll be back 'after' you in the not too distant future. I hope you're healed enough by that time to not let her back in (they seem to be able to 'smell' it in the air when we're 'almost' there!).

 

If/when she does come back...I hope you have the strength to say 'no thanks'. You deserve better.

 

Well i would never take her back, she ruined everything i blocked her of everything moved to Another city and started to study a bachelor degrees in economics.

 

Its a pity how everything ****ed up tellibg my family we Will meet again soon etc. Tellibg me har hopes we get back together.

 

My friends family and myself have deleted her of everything.

 

She can **** off and die, its a pity such a pity but i really feel like that the pain she put me through was insane.

Edited October 16, 2017 by Wobugan