Building Self-Esteem After a Break-Up

[thecrucible]

Hi All,

 

 

I broke up with my bf of seven months today as he didn't seem to want to commit to me. He said he would want to move in with me in the future but he would always avoid the question of whether he would want to settle down (marriage + kids) and even once said "in twenty years". He is 36 and I am almost 28. My heart is wrenching because I really liked this one but I felt I had no choice because I didn't know where I stood and my friends thought he was using me as a 'here and now' kind of gf.

 

 

Since being with him I have gained about a stone. It's really hard for me to feel that I am beautiful enough to find another man and I also live in a small town in the middle of nowhere. My bf was wealthy with a good career so would have been my ticket out of there but I just didn't feel I should stay with a guy for his money if he doesn't really love me...anyway I feel at a loss now. Reality has hit me big time. I have been fine today but whenever I'm by myself, I just cry :'(.

 

 

I'm avoiding Facebook right now - it's so hard for me to look at photos of happy couples and also see any of his posts.

 

 

Any tips on different things I can do to help build the confidence?

 

 

Thanks

-thecrucible

[zinnia9876]

So sorry about your break-up. I just want to encourage you to not give up on yourself. My daughter was involved in a couple relationships after college. She just wanted to get married and settle down, but they wouldn't commit. One of the relationships lasted over 2 years. He kept promising that he would marry her, but just strung her along and used her. She finally left him, and moved her and her dog into an apartment. 3 months later she met a guy on a dating site. 9 months later they were engaged and a year later they got married. Now they are talking about starting their family. I tell you this to encourage you that the right guy is out there you just haven't found him.

[thecrucible]

So sorry about your break-up. I just want to encourage you to not give up on yourself. My daughter was involved in a couple relationships after college. She just wanted to get married and settle down, but they wouldn't commit. One of the relationships lasted over 2 years. He kept promising that he would marry her, but just strung her along and used her. She finally left him, and moved her and her dog into an apartment. 3 months later she met a guy on a dating site. 9 months later they were engaged and a year later they got married. Now they are talking about starting their family. I tell you this to encourage you that the right guy is out there you just haven't found him.

 

Thanks Zinnia. This is really helpful as anything self-esteem building will do me good!

 

I had a troubled day today. He turned up at my work today out of the blue and I was really freaked out . I let him say what he had to say but I don't believe he will change at this moment in time. It just made me feel really uncomfortable that he turned up like that only a day after I broke up with him. I am worried he will turn up again now.

[d0nnivain]

Do things that make you feel good about yourself.

 

Lose that stone. Join a gym. When you are getting physically stronger you will feel mentally stronger.

 

After a particularly bad break up I opened & built a business. Making money made me feel better about myself. As I gained more confidence being a successful entrepreneur I felt sexier.

[Soak]

It's not really appropriate that he turns up at your work. Just tell him if he does it again.

 

With regards to self esteem, lose that stone. Exercise every day, it will help you.

Edited October 10, 2017 by Soak

[zinnia9876]

If you think the break-up was the right thing, don't let him get to you. The guy my daughter was living with threw her out a year into the relationship because he said she was cheating on him. I was so happy to have her out of the relationship, but less than a week later he had lured her back in, making promises, lying to her, etc. My heart was broken. But a year later she finally saw through him and made the decision to leave. But look how much time she wasted with him. Follow your gut. I believe the right guy is out there. Don't be tempted to settle for something less than you deserve.

[thecrucible]

But look how much time she wasted with him. Follow your gut. I believe the right guy is out there. Don't be tempted to settle for something less than you deserve.

 

Thanks Zinnia. That's what I'm worried about. Yesterday he was giving all these excuses about issues I had told him about in the relationship months ago. Instead of even apologising for issues or explaining them, he'd deflect by saying "yes but I did *insert good deed here*". I told him "You've lied to me in this relationship" and he responded with "Not deliberately though" so I feel I can't trust him as he just admitted there that he deals with hard questions by lying to me. He couldn't explain away his previous comment about not settling down for twenty years, which is one phrase which made alarm bells ring - he claimed he was only joking at the time.

 

He turned up with a bottle of champagne, said he wanted to propose to me etc and was planning this last week...and yet I felt as though I'd raised issues with him for weeks and they hadn't been resolved..so it didn't add up. I ended up "I've heard what you had to say but I'm not going to go back with you because of words. I have to really understand that things have changed and you have listened to my concerns. We are still broken up".

 

Earlier yesterday I had a Facebook Messenger request from a profile which had his mum's name and claimed to be his mum. Although I already have his mum on Facebook Messenger. So this was a different profile but when I clicked on it went to a blocked page with no picture. I Facebook messaged his mum at the correct profile for her and asked her a question based on the last thing the no picture profile had said (as we had an hour or so of conversation) but haven't heard back yet. Would he really go to the trouble of creating a new fake profile in his mum's name to try and lure me back in? Maybe I'm just being paranoid?... :S

[thecrucible]

@Donnivain - Thank you. I put career ambitions on hold a bit when I was with him because I felt like I was in limbo. But I really want to get going with it and I think focusing on work makes me happy.

 

It's not really appropriate that he turns up at your work. Just tell him if he does it again.

 

With regards to self esteem, lose that stone. Exercise every day, it will help you.

 

Thanks. I ended up explaining situation to my female boss and she says she will look after me and if he turns up again, I will say "it's definitely over" and she will give me a lift away from the situation so I don't have to worry.

 

I don't think he is going to hurt me or anything but I found it disconcerting that he would just turn up like that at my work place. Today a customer call at work came from a number with the area code of his city and I actually had a tight chest when I answered the phone in case it was him but it turned out to be something else entirely.

[spiderowl]

I know it is hard to rebuild after the end of a relationship. Separation hurts at such a fundamental level, even if we know it is the only thing to do. I think you need to allow time to help you heal and to come to terms with things in your mind.

 

One thing worth remembering is that the one thing we have got is our uniqueness. There is no-one else quite like you - who looks like you, talks like you, has your sense of humour, smells like you, or has your mannerisms. Someone will fall in love with you because they like what is special about you.

 

There is little point considering weight or other things to be major obstacles to a new relationship. Yes, some people are put off but others are drawn to women they feel are solid and cuddly. Relax and assume that those who want you will find you. Don't bother trying to compete with the shallow-minded. Life becomes a lot easier if you trust that you will find your way effortlessly.

[thecrucible]

Thanks spiderowl. All my friends were telling me to break up with him and that I can find a much better man. At the time, I felt it was the right thing to do because I was in limbo with him about how serious he was about me. I just didn't want to be in limbo anymore. It's still difficult though. When I saw him that time after work, I just told him that I can't get back together with him unless he addresses the concerns I had when I broke up with him. I think that's fair enough and the ball is in his court. He hasn't been bombarding me with texts or calls or anything. It was just one missed call from him and that time he turned up at work. He still has a picture of us as this Facebook profile picture.

 

Thank you. I think you're right. I'm bound to find someone at some point. I'll leave it a few months from now and see how I'm getting on. I've arranged a trip to see friends in London next month and I'm keeping myself busy. One thing is for sure - I can't do free online dating again as it's caused nothing but trouble for me .

[Been]

I think your gut was telling you something wasn't right from e start.

I would avoid social media for a little bit if possible because it can and does play with your mind.

Work on you. I'm sure their has to be something that you've always wanted to do but put it off. Nows the time to do it.

And I wouldn't rush into dating someone. Let yourself settle down first. I've seen way too many people jump into relationships too soon after a break up and they usually end bad.

It takes time to get over someone. Some days you'll feel great and the other days you feel sad. But its natural to be that way so don't be to hard on yourself. Be patient with yourself.

[zinnia9876]

If he indeed set up a fake Facebook profile to try to lure you in, that shows how toxic he really is. That is manipulative and controlling, not true love. If he really loved YOU, he would be thinking about you. It sounds like he is more interested in himself and what he lost. I commend you for staying strong.

[thecrucible]

If he indeed set up a fake Facebook profile to try to lure you in, that shows how toxic he really is. That is manipulative and controlling, not true love. If he really loved YOU, he would be thinking about you. It sounds like he is more interested in himself and what he lost. I commend you for staying strong.

 

Thank you Zinnia.

 

I certainly hope not! But I can't assume that. Now that I think of it I remember the profile messaging me when I was with him so hopefully he wouldn't be bold enough to get this fake profile to message me while he was with me in person (this was when he cornered me after work). I guess he got under my skin then.

 

His mum contacted me today and I was okay to speak with her. I just said my reasons why I made my decision. I actually felt better because I got my truth out. She said he is not good at expressing his feelings and he really does love me. I was sweet and sympathetic but I told her some of the words he said to me and I also said that when I met with him I told him what the issues were and it was up to him to show me that things would improve because I can't bet on it at the moment.

 

He has not contacted me at all since cornering me at work - no texts, no phone calls, emails etc. I'm not going to reach out to him because I'm not going to give him any satisfaction or make him think that I want to chase him. I think after I said what I said to him about proving words are genuine, it's now in his court.

 

My Facebook profile is now set to single and I just have me as profile pic but he still has a picture of us up as his profile pic and his profile still says "in a relationship". I don't really know what to make of that. :/ (PS I know I shouldn't look but I have to go on there for work so maybe I had one moment of weakness today - at least I didn't contact him).

[thecrucible]

I think your gut was telling you something wasn't right from e start.

I would avoid social media for a little bit if possible because it can and does play with your mind.

Work on you. I'm sure their has to be something that you've always wanted to do but put it off. Nows the time to do it.

And I wouldn't rush into dating someone. Let yourself settle down first. I've seen way too many people jump into relationships too soon after a break up and they usually end bad.

It takes time to get over someone. Some days you'll feel great and the other days you feel sad. But its natural to be that way so don't be to hard on yourself. Be patient with yourself.

 

Thanks Been. I'm feeling confident today! I'm not sure why. I think it's because I know that having dumped him I am actually more in control than he is. I know that I am strong and he will have to really convince me to overturn my decision. Obviously I have moments of weakness when I think "What if?" but I also think "Hey if he really loves me, it's his job to come back to me". I don't believe in chasing love so what will be will be...

 

I just want to focus on career and bettering myself. Luckily I keep a busy routine anyway as I have my almost full-time job and volunteering with kids. That provides me with a lot of distraction to stop me obsessing over things. I'll have my ups and downs but I want to try and be positive as much as possible.

[SpecialJ]

Don't worry that he hasn't changed his Facebook stuff. That could be about you, but it's more likely about saving face. My last very serious relationship never told anyone we broke up. It was so awkward running into HIS friends around town even a month later and it being on me to tell them as they'd ask where he was. It had nothing to do with me, it was all his ego. Even though he dumped me, his friends really liked me, so he wasn't in a rush to let anyone know.

 

You sound like you have a good mindset about this. Other self esteem builders are doing any activities you may have either given up or never tried in the first place because he didn't want to, doing some traveling, finding a workout you actually enjoy to get back in shape, spending time with friends/family if they're around, and definitely keeping your distance from him...

[thecrucible]

Don't worry that he hasn't changed his Facebook stuff. That could be about you, but it's more likely about saving face. My last very serious relationship never told anyone we broke up. It was so awkward running into HIS friends around town even a month later and it being on me to tell them as they'd ask where he was. It had nothing to do with me, it was all his ego. Even though he dumped me, his friends really liked me, so he wasn't in a rush to let anyone know.

 

You sound like you have a good mindset about this. Other self esteem builders are doing any activities you may have either given up or never tried in the first place because he didn't want to, doing some traveling, finding a workout you actually enjoy to get back in shape, spending time with friends/family if they're around, and definitely keeping your distance from him...

 

Thank you . Yes I just know that it's vital for me to keep my self-esteem up for my own sense of dignity. I was in an abusive relationship in the past and having come through that I know keep a sense of control and not letting the dude have power over your emotions is the ideal. Because in the end that means that I am on top...

 

Anyway so sorry for lack of reply for ages. Basically what's happened is that I got a ten page love letter from him two days ago in the post. I was mulling it over and not knowing what to say but I have written a response. I haven't taken him back, I've just asked him some questions. I ended by saying that I deserve a good man and if he's not motivated to be that man then that's it pretty much. I was kinda blunt but I'd rather be straightforward and honest as he has to know he can't just walk back into my life as if nothing happened. He was hugely apologetic in the letter and wanted forgiveness but I don't feel like even a ten page letter is going to make me say "Okay I'll take you back" if the issues remain unresolved.

[zinnia9876]

@thecrucible, Wow! I think you are a strong woman! Good to hear you were able to stand firm with his mom. Did he put her up to talking to you? I hope not. That would be kind of dysfunctional considering his age. You have so much to offer and you deserve a mature man with integrity who knows how to treat a lady.

[thecrucible]

@thecrucible, Wow! I think you are a strong woman! Good to hear you were able to stand firm with his mom. Did he put her up to talking to you? I hope not. That would be kind of dysfunctional considering his age. You have so much to offer and you deserve a mature man with integrity who knows how to treat a lady.

 

Thank you. I just wanted to tell his mum exactly what was up - knowledge is power and I wanted to get in there first, not allow him to twist things because at the moment I do worry about that. Obviously she is on his side but I think she understands that I'm a good person.

 

I agree. It does beg the question...why would a 36 year old man get his mother so involved? I do think that she is the kind to get involved anyway but as a man, he shouldn't his mother to intervene like said.

 

I spoke to my psychologist friend today. He looked at a photo of him and said he looks like the controlling type and his ego may suggest that he wants to get back with me just to dump me himself so he has the control. Well I don't want that to happen.

 

He's a difficult guy. He contradicts himself. He said in his begging letter that he wants to move in with him in his current city and yet when talking to his mum, she talked about the fact that he "is desperate to move back home but may not be possible in the short term". When I talked to him last week I said to him "I know you are lying to me" and he said "Well I didn't do it deliberately" so he just went and admitted it to my face!

 

I have a feeling he will come back again and I have to be strong minded with him.

 

Thanks for your advice.

[thecrucible]

UPDATE: I got a reply to his next letter...I read it and initially I was in tears but some of it just didn't sit well with me...These are the statements:

 

1. "Planning the future is difficult. I can understand you having a timeline in mind when it comes to marriage/kids...Believe me when I say that I want all that as well...It is important however to do all these things for the right reasons - because we love each other and it is the right thing to do. I really would like to move on from this 20 year thing - clearly a huge mistake on my part but I honestly did not mean it [This is when he told me in person that he doesn't want to settle down for another 20 years]. Your suggestion of 3 years is very reasonable but I would caution against setting it in stone...setting plans against a rigid timescale can be an issue. It might seem like a small point, but the romantic in me would like to surprise my beloved with a proposal - some of the magic might be lost if there's a strict timetable."

 

2. "You're the number one woman in my life though. My mother is the runner up". - Don't believe this as his mum just bought him a car!!

 

3. In response to asking him how many women he's slept with in 20 years - he lost his virginity at 15 and was 35 when we met: "3 1/2 including you. Others were not remarkable" - to me makes it sound like he's a bit player and I can't believe only three including me in 20 years of dating.

 

4. "There are a number of photos of you and us together on Facebook. My profile picture remains that lovely one you took of us on our third date in ___" (He actually got the name of the pub wrong here!)

[marky00]

Self-esteem usually comes back reasonably quickly. It's the broken heart that takes a lot longer.

 

 

Like, I was able to date new women, live my life etc but just had that anguish in my heart I knew I could do nothing about.

 

 

Some breakups are just really tough and you need to be content with the situation where you can function as a normal human being but understand that the heartbreak can co-exist.

 

 

So yeah nothing wrong with getting your self-esteem on track but I disagree with a lot of posters on here who seems to think that gaining your self-esteem back is all that is needed to get over the breakup. That is simply not the case.

[thecrucible]

Self-esteem usually comes back reasonably quickly. It's the broken heart that takes a lot longer.

 

 

Like, I was able to date new women, live my life etc but just had that anguish in my heart I knew I could do nothing about.

 

 

Some breakups are just really tough and you need to be content with the situation where you can function as a normal human being but understand that the heartbreak can co-exist.

 

 

So yeah nothing wrong with getting your self-esteem on track but I disagree with a lot of posters on here who seems to think that gaining your self-esteem back is all that is needed to get over the breakup. That is simply not the case.

 

Hi Marky,

 

Sorry to hear about everything you went through. I hope things are working out okay for you and please don't give up as it gets better every day.

 

I think in my case, it is really a self-esteem thing as I chose to dump him which I spent over a month mulling over. It's very hard for me to keep strong with the decision as he is a sweet talker but at the same time, I'm not in a position to really trust him because I know he has lied to me and I just don't really see how a relationship can recover from that.

 

At the age of 18, I was in a physically abusive relationship. I wish that hadn't happened as it ruined my life at the time. He injured me the day before we broke up. Luckily my most recent ex wasn't like that but having walked away from him successfully, I feel like "hey I've earned my strength today".

 

I just feel like life is short and I want to recover my self-esteem asap so I don't waste too many more days on certain men who want to use me/suck my energy.

 

What upsets me most at my age is honestly my time being wasted...It's very heart wrenching having a man in your life who's ambivalent about you but still wants to hold onto you for some reason. I just don't understand what's going on at the moment with him. :/

[Trust666]

//I just feel like life is short and I want to recover my self-esteem asap so I don't waste too many more days on certain men who want to use me/suck my energy.//

 

I think the key to self esteem is not so much about others wanting you. It's about you being comfortable with who you are. When I was younger I did what I thought others would want. As I got older I realized self esteem comes from within. If you want to lose weight do it for you not attracting men.

 

I am a bit older than you but one day I realized I was what many women considered attractive, but I was attracting the wrong women because I was not building my self esteem for me I was building it influenced by others wants and society.

 

I realized I wanted to be me and not some half baked shell of what society tells us builds self esteem.

 

I started my own business, I got that mohawk, I grew a big bushy beard, I sleeved my arms in tattoos, I worked out and made myself into what I always was and wanted to be but was afraid of what others would think. Now I realize self esteem is about who we are and who we should be.

 

Who are you, what do you want to see when you look in the mirror, and do you want to attract someone that will love you for you not for who you think they want.

 

//What upsets me most at my age is honestly my time being wasted...It's very heart wrenching having a man in your life who's ambivalent about you but still wants to hold onto you for some reason. I just don't understand what's going on at the moment with him. :/ //

 

Us men have egos, and it's really hard to get inside someone else's head and make sense of things. You also mentioned control, sounds like he and you are both vying for control. You're still young build yourself into who you truly are while you can as I mentioned above. This will help with wasted time as you will attract what YOU want.

[zinnia9876]

As a Mom, that guy scares me. All that bologna about being a romantic and not wanting to set a timetable would make me run as far away from him as possible. And stop conversing with him. You made the decision to leave. Now go on with your life - without him. He hasn't changed and he has no intention of changing. And his mom bought him a car ?! What's up with that? He's 35 years old.

[thecrucible]

As a Mom, that guy scares me. All that bologna about being a romantic and not wanting to set a timetable would make me run as far away from him as possible. And stop conversing with him. You made the decision to leave. Now go on with your life - without him. He hasn't changed and he has no intention of changing. And his mom bought him a car ?! What's up with that? He's 35 years old.

 

Thank you so much. I have so few people irl who have got my back. I keep getting guilt tripped by some people to take him back, told I'm too stubborn or that I should have made it more obvious I might break-up with him etc. The way I see it he was playing me and I have to stick to my guns. Got another letter from him today but haven't opened it at all. Yeah she got him a car as he has a bad credit rating and his car broke down and he was unable to buy a new one.

[zinnia9876]

I'm so proud of you for staying strong. The more details you give about this guy, the more convinced I am that he is playing you. As I told you earlier, my daughter was involved with 2 guys who were so wrong for her. I knew it the first time I met both of them. But she is very strong willed and wouldn't listen to my suspicions. One guy was a lot older and very manipulative like your Ex. One time when i told her I was trying to protect her and help her learn from my mistakes, she said, "Just let me make my own mistakes!" It broke my heart but I had to step back and let her do it. After she left the last guy, she went on Eharmony and they matched her with her husband. They are so compatible, and get along so well. But she admitted to me that she thinks she wouldn't appreciate him so much if she hadn't gone through those bad relationships. I continue to pray for you that you will see how precious you are. And that you will find a guy who treasures you treats you like his princess. My daughter used to tell me that those guys don't exist. Now she knows they do.