KellySimp Posted October 9, 2017 Share Posted October 9, 2017 Hello guys! I totally screwed the no contact rule after 30 days I reached out to him with a stupid text message and he instantly replied to me,was more than sweet saying how much he missed me and how much he wanted to talk/text me but was afraid that it would hurt me blah blah, I told him there's no reason to worry anymore as while I was away from him my feelings changed and I'm not in love with him anymore ( that was his reason to break up with me so I now told him the same thing which in my case is of course a lie ) He told me it wasn't something he'd hope for but he's glad I'm not hurting anymore and started questioning me if there was someone else and demanding for explanations as to why I said certain things and if they were about that new person. He asked if I like someone else like 10 or more times. I tried to dismiss his questions and laugh them all off, acting all positive. We texted each other all day long but basically it was all about it I like someone now. After not hearing from him for a month I can clearly see his mind hasn't changed,he still doesn't want a relationship with me so the no contact is bs or I should have never broken it but I just wonder why all these endless questions if I like someone else now? Help me understand please. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted October 9, 2017 Share Posted October 9, 2017 I can clearly see his mind hasn't changed,he still doesn't want a relationship with me so the no contact is bs Why were you doing NC? Do you think it is some kind of magic trick to get your ex back? It is not. It is a way for YO to move on with your life in the least painful way. Unfortunately you have put yourself right back to square 1 by breaking it before you were ready. why all these endless questions if I like someone else now? Because he now considers you friends. Friends ask each other about these kinds of things. Being friends is clearly not possible for you, so you should cut contact. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author KellySimp Posted October 9, 2017 Author Share Posted October 9, 2017 Why were you doing NC? Do you think it is some kind of magic trick to get your ex back? It is not. It is a way for YO to move on with your life in the least painful way. Unfortunately you have put yourself right back to square 1 by breaking it before you were ready. Because he now considers you friends. Friends ask each other about these kinds of things. Being friends is clearly not possible for you, so you should cut contact. I was hoping that maybe if he asks that, he still cares and would realize that he'll lose me for good if he keeps acting like a jerk. Our breakup wasn't something he wanted to do, it was my fault, I acted horrible and he couldn't forgive me. That's why I never believed when he said he wasn't in love with me anymore, he wanted to hurt me because I did the same thing, I said even more horrible things to him. But I acted out of anger and never really meant them and I apologized but he never forgave me. Anyway do you think this doesn't really mean anything and it's just a friendly interest to ask again and again if I like another man now? Link to post Share on other sites
Author KellySimp Posted October 9, 2017 Author Share Posted October 9, 2017 Oh and about the no contact. I heard a lot of stories when it actually worked and people got back together. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted October 9, 2017 Share Posted October 9, 2017 Oh and about the no contact. I heard a lot of stories when it actually worked and people got back together. I heard a lot of stories of people who won the lottery, too. Sorry but your logic is flawed here. NC is not a magic trick to get your ex back. I was hoping that maybe if he asks that, he still cares and would realize that he'll lose me for good if he keeps acting like a jerk. No, he is reinforcing and emphasising that he does not want to be with you. He doesn't think he acted like a jerk at all. He thinks he ended the relationship but you're OK and life can now carry on with you two being just friends. Anyway do you think this doesn't really mean anything and it's just a friendly interest to ask again and again if I like another man now? Could be. Or it could be the "I don't want you but I don't want anyone else to have you either" mindset. Either way, it is certainly NOT a sign that he wants you back. In fact sorry to say it's quite the opposite. Link to post Share on other sites
Author KellySimp Posted October 9, 2017 Author Share Posted October 9, 2017 I heard a lot of stories of people who won the lottery, too. Sorry but your logic is flawed here. NC is not a magic trick to get your ex back. No, he is reinforcing and emphasising that he does not want to be with you. He doesn't think he acted like a jerk at all. He thinks he ended the relationship but you're OK and life can now carry on with you two being just friends. Could be. Or it could be the "I don't want you but I don't want anyone else to have you either" mindset. Either way, it is certainly NOT a sign that he wants you back. In fact sorry to say it's quite the opposite. Hmm why then he keeps flirting with me, keeps reminiscing our past, keeps saying how much he cares? Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted October 9, 2017 Share Posted October 9, 2017 Hmm why then he keeps flirting with me, keeps reminiscing our past, keeps saying how much he cares? Because it's fun for him. Link to post Share on other sites
Beachead Posted October 9, 2017 Share Posted October 9, 2017 (edited) Hey Kellysimp, I'm sorry that you're going through this. I've also heard all kinds of misleading things about No Contact being some kind of miracle tool and helping people win exes back. The truth is, it's really just a way for someone to heal and move forward from heartbreak in the quickest and least painful way. I would think of No Contact as Self-Love. I've been on the receiving end of 3 break ups and I am still healing from my most recent. This is what I've learned about the healing process: When we stop talking to someone, it'll get a lot worse before it gets better but it will get better. Initially after the paralyzing pain of the break up, we'll go into denial. We'll know when the denial wears off when we begin to feel intense pain again as our hope begins to die away. Pain we didn't feel since the week of our break up. Anger is what our minds will use to deal with it because it is far more effective in the beginning at neutralizing the pain than forgiveness, compassion, understanding are. Over time, our mind will feed us small spoons of truth about what happened/is happening in the relationship, and we will grieve and process it. We will cry. We will not want to talk to anyone. We will eventually get to a point where we've accepted things (Hope is gone). It takes 3-4 months minimum just to lose hope. That's when we finlly begin to move on. Time will continue to pass and we'll one day wake up and look at our break up in a different light, with clarity, and a different perspective. We'll evaluate it logically instead of emotionally. We have no use for anger anymore at this point because we are now strong enough to forgive. When we get to that point, we've now moved on and we moved on for real. Nothing they do will matter. Even if they meet someone else and are in a relationship, it momentarily sets us back but we are okay. The healing process is slow. And it is incredibly painful. Do not run from it and do not force it. It happens as it happens. But be strategic with your healing and try to give back to yourself. Change your wardrobe, join a new activity out of the ordinary. Change jobs. Focus on school. Whatever it is, focus on yourself. We don't talk to our exes while we go through this because they will make it 10 times harder and lengthen the time to heal. They will however, come back and try to interrupt the process. Don't let them. We don't need that in our lives because our time is precious and getting over them is already painful enough. Only when we heal, is when consider reaching out to them again if we still want to. That's No Contact. I wouldn't read into all the questions he was asking. I would read into the fact that he can go to sleep and wake up everyday and not think about you in any sort of relationship capacity and be fine about it. Someone who wants you, would not risk losing you and you two would be in a relationship. There wouldn't be conversations that lead nowhere. No hot and cold. No long silences. You would not be confused, playing detective trying to figure him out. You would know and you would be in a relationship. When exes contact us like this, it's typically of a self serving purpose such as guilt or loneliness. Sometimes they just want to plant seeds in our head and keep us thinking about them. But unless they are direct and tell us what's going on, I wouldn't read into anything. Block his number, email, social media and don't talk to him again. Don't respond if he somehow finds you and tries to contact you. Time for that self-love. Good luck Edited October 9, 2017 by Beachead 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Southern Sun Posted October 9, 2017 Share Posted October 9, 2017 ...I reached out to him with a stupid text message and he instantly replied to me,was more than sweet saying how much he missed me and how much he wanted to talk/text me but was afraid that it would hurt me blah blah, I told him there's no reason to worry anymore as while I was away from him my feelings changed and I'm not in love with him anymore ( that was his reason to break up with me so I now told him the same thing which in my case is of course a lie ) He told me it wasn't something he'd hope for but he's glad I'm not hurting anymore... I've quoted this part of your original post, and bolded those specific pieces, because I think they are key. First, you said that the break-up was your fault because of how you acted. So apparently he DID want the break-up, right? And he did not contact you at all for a month after the break-up? Then you reach out to him, which he responded to because it's somewhat natural for most people to do (either because we DO miss people we care about or because we don't want to look like a jerk by NOT responding). But what he says to you is KEY: He would like to text or talk but doesn't want to hurt you. And he's glad you're no longer in love with him because now you won't hurt. What do those things mean? Those words would not come from a man who wants to get back together with you. If he wants to get back together with you, talking or texting with you wouldn't "hurt" you. Those talks would take the form of reconciliation and likely be healing to the heart. However...now that you're not in love with him (and even better...if you've moved on to someone else), you can talk without obligation on his part because you are totally fine! So...he feels a huge weight that you've let him off the hook. That is all. The ONLY thing you may be hearing in his words is the very slight swipe to his ego that he took from you supposedly moving on. Even people who don't want their ex don't like the idea of them moving on to someone else. But it won't make him want you back. Believe me - you do NOT want a guy who is not on the same page. Let this one go. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted October 9, 2017 Share Posted October 9, 2017 Everyone is a bit curious as to who their ex ends up with. I've been incredibly curious about future dates of my exes and never, ever wanted them back. It's human nature. You are correct that if he wanted you back he would have asked. You two seemed to like to play a lot of games which is probably what ended up separating you in the end. You are still playing games by lying to him about a new love and your not still being in love with him. Hopefully you will both mature before your next relationships. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted October 9, 2017 Share Posted October 9, 2017 It's all a bit of a silly power-play between you two. Were there also a lot of mind games during the relationship? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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