Struggling with life after messy breakup

[Pepperstool]

My long-time girlfriend, we were both each other's first loves, dumped me over a month and a half ago, and ever since my life has been a complete mess. We met through a mutual friend during my senior year of high school, and she went to a different high school in the area and was a year younger than me. I was reluctant to give this girl any chance with me, basically because of my fear of rejection or heartbreak down the line. She did all of the dirty work; getting my phone number, arranging our first date, and basically initiating the chase. Skeptical of her interest because of my prior history with girls, I played along, but very carefully. After 3 or so dates, she got me to open up to her, and the rest was history.

 

Our relationship started off as something I didn't think I would ever experience and thought was only from the movies. Constant affection, attention, and fun with this girl. This "honeymoon" period probably lasted around 6-8 months. We were both each other's first everything, so the sexual and romantic curiosity was intense. Limited to no disagreements, and we basically saw each other every day we could. During this time, there were certainly huge red flags that anyone more experienced with this stuff would have caught on, but I didn't mind. She was needy, very emotional and basically just needed my attention every second of my life. I didn't mind at the time, in fact I kind of liked it.

 

After we first had sex (maybe 6 months in?), I noticed she slowly started to change. She went from constantly sweet and happy all of the time to slowly becoming more and more needy and controlling. Her mood would swing constantly. When I started at college, I decided to attend a university close to home so I could commute to school and stay near her (Dumb decision). My freshman year of college was busy, but it was fulfilling and impressive. My grade point average was a B+, and I was making connections with powerful players in my industry as a freshman at a small state university. My ex was supportive at first, but I noticed that the maturity gap began to take its toll. The neediness got worse, and I now realize she didn't understand that I had adult responsibilities I had to attend to. I worked full time, and she constantly accused me of forgetting about her since I wasn't giving her the attention I once was able to.

 

Despite all of the above, I was still able to see her every single day, and tried my hardest to keep her happy. She would often have huge extremes of affection and sweetness towards me, then I would do something minor to tick her off and she would go cold. She was unable to have adult conversations with me about things, and honestly stressed me out a lot. I think that eventually this began to take its toll on me, because I went from pursuing my own hobbies to just focusing on trying to make her happy in the last few months.

 

The break-up was sudden because I didn't think it would happen. I went to a event with her (male) friends, she said I could, and I came home to her breaking up with me at the very early hours of the morning. It was clear she was jealous of the situation, and it was a triggering point of the break up. The timing was terrible, as we were going on vacation soon and just about to start school. (She now goes to the same university as me). I treated this girl like royalty, even when she treated me like **** over the past 3 months. Her actual reasoning was that "she lost feelings for me as a boyfriend", but her confusing actions after the breakup make that answer more confusing. She told me she didn't know what she wanted, kept going back and forth for a few weeks, went from sexually interested to cold (after the breakup), and would go from acting like a girlfriend to a bitch in a matter of seconds. Eventually, she did stop talking to me, once the first day of classes started. I tried to talk to her twice after that , once in school, but both conversations did nothing for me except made me more confused (because of her mixed messages). I also had the misfortune of bumping into her at school multiple times, and seeing her happy with her new male friends (or interests, I don't know). So I stopped talking to her, and I am now on 3 weeks of no contact. I also have to go completely insane when I have classes to avoid running into her because I know it will bring me into a very depressive state.

 

Why would I be so upset over a girl who treated me the way I described? Well this girl was the funniest, and the most loving girl I have ever met, and the good times happened just as much as the bad. She was seemingly obsessed with me throughout the whole relationship. Her friends became my friends, my friends became her friends, and when the breakup happened, MY friends were even starting to become friends with HER friends. It was a complete shock to everyone involved. My friends seemed to be happy about it, as they didn't view her positively, but her friends were shocked. This girl left me after I helped her get her job, picked her major, and basically had to help her make any important decision she ever had to make. I did everything for this girl, and as more time passes, I realize that in the final 3 months, it seems like it was all about her.

 

Her family loved me, and I was happily grateful and nice to them all of the time, even in times when I shouldn't have been. Her family was strange, but I appreciated it. Her sister and mom (conspiracy types) would hold a grudge against me because of my political leanings (center-right on the spectrum), and I also dealt with a lot of new and strange experiences I wasn't used to. I took most of them in stride, but sometimes it would get tiring, particularly when I couldn't say no to attending every single family event I was invited to.

 

Apparently her sister and her best friend (who said a few days before I was "one of her best friends") talked her into the breakup. The sister is whatever (I was incredibly nice to her), but her best friend's advice particularly hurts me. She was also one of my best friends, we became very close, and the fact she would tell her to dump me over such a small and childish circumstance hurts me. I know that the fact she was "going to meet new people in college" was a motivator, but if she behaves how she did with me, will she ever truly be happy with anyone?

 

The relationship took up so much of the time, that I am left with no female friends, limited amount of male friends (friends from high school are gone, and I commute to school), and also no hobbies. My family situation sucks; my dad is an alcoholic and my mom battles mental illness, while my sister does not have any direction in her life (and arguably is showing symptoms of my mom's mental illness). I realize my ex was an escape from this stuff. I have been at the same part-time job since my Junior year of high school (currently in my 2nd year of college), and I have seen a lot of turn over. That place has become a miserable mess.

 

Positive things: I have been severely underweight all of my life, which I have tied to genetics, and I have been going to the gym ever since the break-up. Despite not having much of an appetite until recently, I have been able to gain 5 pounds over the past month. My grades are still looking good, and I am planning to transfer to a school outside of my area in order to get away from my childhood friends and to split off from the family situation. My family is supportive behind that.

 

I guess my issue is that I feel like I am in an awkward transitional phase in my life. This girl kept me in my childhood throughout my freshman year of college, and now she gets to experience her new and shiny life (not that new, she commutes to the same school I go to) while I am stuck doing the same routine (just without her in it). I am fearful of stagnating socially, and I also have no clue what I want to do with my career. The break-up also confuses me. As she was so up and down with me throughout the relationship. I also lost some of my best friends as a result of that. I spent 85% of my days with this girl throughout the relationship (she needed it that way), and now is she able to move on happily with her life. The only explanation that I've seen that makes sense is the "Grass Is Greener Syndrome". I know she is young, and I've seen stuff happen to mutual friends that were similar.

 

Over this period of not talking to me, after the head games she played after the breakup, she seems to be having the time of her life. Every day that passes I start to resent her more and more, especially since I just view her as a fake person. She is hanging out with people she talked **** about to me (for no reason), and just seems to be completely different than the person I fell in love with. It doesn't make sense how someone can change so fast.

We were in a relationship for 2 years, and now she's gone and completely changed in a matter of weeks.

 

I am unsure if I did the situation justice, but I basically just feel lost with life right now. I am unsure if this girl (who was once my best friend and the love of my life --- I still love her) will ever be in my life again (apart of the hot and cold was keeping doors open for future because she "loves me but this is what she wants right now"), I have no emotional support circle, and I am the type of person that cannot be sitting at home all of the time, particularly at this age. The last time I was single, I was in high school, now I am back to living life as a high school student as a college sophomore. My high school friends that attend my university hold me back from meeting new friends, and my self-confidence is at an all time low to be able to talk to girls to form new relationships (which is why I am planning on transferring away).

 

The only self-destructive behavior I've recently engaged in is using apps like Tinder and Bumble, and also occasionally keeping tabs with her on social media. I call using those apps self destructive because I haven't gotten anywhere using them, and it seems like most of the girls on there aren't my type. It's also just not the type of person I am, but I guess I am just desperate at this stage for any kind of attention. I also just want to meet new people.

 

All I am asking for is for any words of wisdom. Maybe being able to make sense of the breakup and the way she acted towards me, and also just good stories that came out of similar situations.

 

Thank you everyone!

[Jt93]

Hey Pepper, hang in there.

 

I went through a similar situation to you, and some things you have said mirror exactly what happened with me. I am now on 4 and a half months after my ex of 5 years left me.

 

You are in what i found to be the hardest part of the break up but trust me, it does get easier.

 

I would stop using them apps until you feel comfortable and ready to date, otherwise you will just make things worse for yourself.

 

I dont know where it went wrong with your relationship, but i do know that a lot of young relationships dont last. Maybe she did just fall out of love with you, maybe it was a case of GIGS or maybe she met someone else during the period she was going cold and let you down slowly... thats what happened to me but i couldnt really say exactly what happened for sure.

 

Keep yourself busy, join a gym, find some new hobbies, re-connect with old friends. You will get through this and trust me it gets easier. I still feel bad sometimes now, but that is more feelings of loneliness and no companionship rather that hurt from the relationship.

 

Keep your head up and during this time, channel your angel/hate/emotions into bettering yourself in any way possible, and make sure you learn from your mistakes from the relationship, because i sure will from mine. That many red flags next time are a no-no and should mean you 2 are not compatible, but we learn from our mistakes.

 

Head up and battle through this.

[ayoung73]

Wow, it’s definitely a difficult situation to deal with and awfully confusing as you mentioned. For whatever reason she’s focused on you and is still trying to manipulate and control you. Through all of this behavior she’s still impacting you, your feelings, and what and how you do it. At this point, if you’re unhappy, not only with the school, but you’re entire environment, by all means, find something different and do it somewhere else. It seems you may have feelings for her and is the reason she’s able to hurt you this way.

 

Stop trying to make sense of all this, put it aside, and move on! You’re better than this and you deserve better as well.

[Pepperstool]

Wow, it’s definitely a difficult situation to deal with and awfully confusing as you mentioned. For whatever reason she’s focused on you and is still trying to manipulate and control you. Through all of this behavior she’s still impacting you, your feelings, and what and how you do it. At this point, if you’re unhappy, not only with the school, but you’re entire environment, by all means, find something different and do it somewhere else. It seems you may have feelings for her and is the reason she’s able to hurt you this way.

 

Stop trying to make sense of all this, put it aside, and move on! You’re better than this and you deserve better as well.

 

So actually, she hasn't reached out to me in over a month now, and I haven't talked to her in more than 3 weeks. So I think that phase of the breakup is over. I am doing a lot better than I was 3 weeks ago. But its still a roller coaster. There's a lot of things I want to say to her, but its not worth it right now.

[clist8511]

Please don't contact her, it's not worth the pain you'll inevitably be in afterwards.

[Pepperstool]

Please don't contact her, it's not worth the pain you'll inevitably be in afterwards.

 

Do you think in a few months it'll be okay to reach out to her?

[SevenCity]

Do you think in a few months it'll be okay to reach out to her?

 

No!

 

First let me say, although your post was long, it was very well written for someone of your age (I'm close to double).

 

Here, right now, is the time of your life. You have more access to single hot women than you likely ever will again. Avail yourself of it. Don't look as dating as something bad. Sure, take time to heal if you need but don't wait too long.

 

Realize that most relationships (especially at your age) won't last long term. that's ok - you will learn from everyone.

 

Many of us have made the mistake of changing plans for a woman - I wouldn't do it again. Not until you are married and even then the right one will support you.

 

Don't try to make sense out of her reasons for leaving. You won't be able to. My ex of 7 years left and I still have no idea why (over a year ago now) and I no longer try to. But, she was insecure just like yours was and even though she was 41 the behaviors had similarities to your ex.

 

The universe has something better planned for you - it's just a matter of time. If she reaches out in the future you can decide if you want to see her but sounds like you are better off leaving her in the past.

 

Remember anything you are feeling is temporary and will eventually pass. I'm a different person emotionally from when I was dumped. The new me is doing better.

[Pepperstool]

Yeah, so 34th day of no contact, I cracked. '

 

I was walking to my car leaving campus to avoid seeing her, which has been my routine for the past month, and I've been going through the depressive stage of this. I was actually thinking about in my head how much better I was doing. Then, I look up and I see her in the distance, and I realized that I didn't get the same feeling anymore. Obviously I still have feelings for her, but it was different. She didn't stand out, or "glow" and I didn't really get butterflies. She had the most ridiculous look on her face, and it seemed like she was trying to avoid eye contact with me.

 

When I made eye contact, I waved to get her attention and I said hi, and kept walking. Over the past week, I've been more forgiving of what happened and I really just started to miss her friendship. Unfortunately, I changed so much over the past 2 years of dating her that I am realizing I don't have much in common with my friends from high school, who are basically still involved in my social circle, and that all of my interests and things in common are with her.

 

In order to stop obsessing over how she feels about me, I guess I thought it would be a good idea to basically reach out through Facebook messenger. I basically told her I've been doing better, and I hope we can be friends. She said that she was "glad that I am doing better." And I responded raising the possibility of meeting up "soon" and she never responded after viewing the message, so now I am likely going to get stuck in a cycle again realizing she wants nothing to do with me. I realize enough time probably hasn't passed (even for me), but she told me a million times after the breakup we could be friends when I was ready, and I told her I would reach out to her when the time comes. I do it, and she didn't respond. There really is no reason for her to be cold to me, I didn't do anything to her, she is the one that ****ed me over. So I am really just confused about how she became a completely different person. Also, I don't understand why people just ignore messages, especially if they "care", obviously its going to bother me if she doesn't respond.

 

I know it was stupid to reach out, but I figured if I am going to have to keep seeing her I might as well make it so it doesn't have to be a awkward situation. I am also am sick of wondering what's going on in her head, considering the ridiculous circumstances of everything. It doesn't make sense to me how someone can literally change so fast. That event I went to 2 months ago without her literally caused her to have a mental breakdown, and she is completely different. I cannot believe this is how things between us turned out. Everyone, including ourselves, thought we were meant to be for the longest time, and then in the matter of 24 hours, my life hasn't been the same.

[Been]

She knows what she did. And when you come around she feels guilt.

You aren't going to be friends and why would you want to with someone who screwed you over?

And ask yourself do you want to really be friends or do you want to just orbit around her in case she changes her mind about the two of you?

[Pepperstool]

She responded to me this morning telling me that she is involved with someone else "casually" and that she doesn't want to talk to me or see me because she doesn't think it's a good idea (and also said she just wants me to be happy). She got involved with this person in a matter of days after she stopped talking to me, which seems ridiculously fast, considering we talked and spent every single day together for 2 years. This boy wasn't in the picture when we were together, because she broke up with me before we went back to school. She met him in the opening days of school, which I deep down figured was going to happen. I feel so worthless and unimportant. It is the strangest thing, because she was never the person to be involved with someone casually, and she always would talk about how she wouldn't be able to do that. I guess she is completely changed now, and me going to that event without her literally caused her to have a mental breakdown of some sort, even though she was never stable anyways. Her instability changed me from the most level headed person on the planet to an obsessive, needy ****ing mess. All of the ridiculous sacrifices I made for her happiness didn't mean a thing. I was just a high school boyfriend for this girl, and after basically setting her whole life up for her, she is moving on with someone else in a matter of weeks. I am so hurt, but I needed this closure to stop hoping for a reconciliation. How can someone once so close to you and who I treated like a legitimate princess just completely move on to someone else in a matter of days and weeks? Also, all of the rants about how she hates people who drank and party, and now she does that stuff (after giving me **** for socially drinking once in front of her), and now she seems to be doing it. My life changed so much in a matter of seconds that night 2 months ago.

 

I don't have the balls to be cold to her, even though that's what she wants, but now I have to deal with the reality that the next 2 and a half years of my life she is going to be around my campus, and I am going to have to see her, and honestly probably with her new "friend that she is involved with casually". It's not as easy for me to find girls, I am not that attractive and social anxiety has come about ever since this happened to me. I am involved in clubs on campus now, but nothing in my head compares to what life used to be, and there is little sense to be made on how everything fell apart. I spent the past 2 years trying to save my best friend and my sweetheart, and I now realize I completely abandoned myself in the process. This heartbreak is terrible, and I now must force myself to move on, and realize she is gone forever. She is gone forever but I still have to deal with her presence at school, the school I talked her into going to. How will I ever trust someone again?

Edited October 21, 2017 by Pepperstool

[Been]

I'm sorry she did you like that. And yes you neglected yourself trying to appease her. Bit now you ate in a position to accomplish things you should have maybe 2 years ago.

If she attempts to contact you don't acknowledge it. No hi. Nothing.

Somebody that dates a COUPLE of DAYS after getting out of a relationship is shallow and also this man didn't just appear she had been setting it up.

You don't need that or deserve that. If she can't be truthful with you as your girlfriend then she won't as a friend.

[Pepperstool]

I'm sorry she did you like that. And yes you neglected yourself trying to appease her. Bit now you ate in a position to accomplish things you should have maybe 2 years ago.

If she attempts to contact you don't acknowledge it. No hi. Nothing.

Somebody that dates a COUPLE of DAYS after getting out of a relationship is shallow and also this man didn't just appear she had been setting it up.

You don't need that or deserve that. If she can't be truthful with you as your girlfriend then she won't as a friend.

 

It was a couple of weeks after, she broke up with me officially in the middle of August, but she kept me on a string for 3 weeks. Once school started (freshman in college, still lives 10 minutes away from me and goes to same school, so she didn't have to end it, but she didn't want me anymore) and she found out all of the guys that she has at her disposal in her engineering classes, she cut me off for good (2 days after she emotionally told me she loves me still but "this is what she wants"). She told me after the breakup she wouldn't be ready to date for months. So much for that. I shouldn't even give a **** in the first place, it's not my business.

 

I agree 100% with the shallow comment and honestly her pet peeves with me were all ridiculously shallow. This is the first time I am experiencing this. I am not used to this and I feel lost. This is a terrible feeling I never want to have again.

[Trust666]

It's a terribe feeling to feel rejected and then so easily replaced. That right there is your motivation, you don't want her in your life if this is what she does. I'm about twice your age and experiencing the same feelings for the first time, and it is one hell of a roller coaster ride.

 

You can do better. Stop worrying about what your ex thinks of you, she is your ex so what does it matter? My ex who I knew for 25 years loathes me and I loathe her...the key is not caring what they think of you, they chose to leave and leave badly, consequences.

 

I know it's hard to be rational when you are still having all these crazy emotions but work through them and focus on the way it ended and the way she ended it.

 

You can do much better, so start working on yourself and the time will come.

[Pepperstool]

Here is an update.

 

The Good:I no longer count days of no contact, or think about getting back together with her (or think about being in her life), which is fantastic. I am really trying to let this go in order to move on. I made a pretty great decision, to finally transfer into a different work environment. My work environment was making it difficult for me to move on, as me and her had many memories involving that place and the surrounding area. The work environment was also becoming toxic for reasons outside of my personal problems. I would cry whenever I would get home from work, and also try to deal with the fact that I had flashbacks throughout my whole shift. I've been there for years, but I realized it was time to move on from there for it to be easier to move on with my life. The new location is up the street from my university, and is employed with many people that go that university. It will be a refreshing change and it is relieving I am starting a new chapter. I've made it a point to drastically tone down my presence on social media, for now. Removed apps on my phone of social media accounts like Snapchat and Instagram and Twitter, and rarely use Facebook. I am really trying to fix myself, and I realized seeing people's lives on social media wasn't helping with that.

 

The Bad: Now that I am no longer obsessing about my future with her, it is obvious to me that this has caused a lot of trauma. Being in a relationship with someone so unstable (possibly Borderline PD) and then the aftermath of the messy breakup has done a lot of emotional, physical and mental damage. I have terrible social anxiety, headaches, constant thoughts, body image issues, flashbacks, moments of reminiscing, overthinking, and also a short attention span. It is very tiring to deal with, and I am constantly exhausted. All of this is ongoing on top of me changing jobs, dealing with a rigorous curriculum at school, and new clubs I am trying to join to meet new people (even though it is difficult for me to make friends right now). I do know that is all in my head. I have been going to counseling, and my therapist was the one who really wanted me to try to get closure from this, and I do think that finding out she is with someone else (which didn't surprise me at all, I guess it was surprising that she did it so quickly, but it shows her desperation I guess) and that she didn't want to be friends finally provided that closure. I have an appointment with her tomorrow, and I am going to report to her the new developments. She mentioned medication, I really would prefer not to do that. I hope this just crap just goes away on its own.

 

I've never a lot of anxiety problems, and especially during the relationship any form of anxiety I did have socially did go away. Dealing with this state of depression really sucks. I also cannot stop reminiscing and talking about the situation with my friends, and they are clearly aggravated because its kind of beating it to the point now, but it seems like I can't help it.

 

I am just glad I am now thinking about moving on rather than counting down days as a strategy to get her back. She's gone and I have to let this go.

Edited October 24, 2017 by Pepperstool