Kokomo Posted October 5, 2017 Share Posted October 5, 2017 I'm just coming off a very long relationship that kept going on and off for several years . I'm in my lat forties and he is ten years older .been married before twice . We've in the past been in couples therapy because we both wanted the relationship to work badly but every time we had a minor argument in always ended in a huge blow out where he would violently throw me out and threaten me with police calling when I didn't move fast enough . I was deeply in love with this man . Spent every weekend with him . I have four kids and he never made an effort to be around them in the 8 plus years we were together . My kids are older now so they never made a big deal but it did bother me . I work for a doctor , and I did something I should not have done , I looked at his chart and found out the unthinkable , he has anal condolyma which is anal warts caused by an HPV ! I can't say to him how I know be I can lose my job which I need . I'm stunned . This all happened before the breakup ironica Lay enough and I never said anything . He broke it off with me after an argument two weeks ago and went ghost as he usually does . I reached out after much thought in an email to give him the opportunity to come clean . His response was I'm crazy need help it's all made up thoughts in my mind which aren't " real" and that he has never been happier in this entire life since we split , After that email I blocked him from literally everything once again and have decided last night I'm finished . I'm deeply sad and shocked that he can say he's happy after all that has happened. But he's cold callous and selfish and I have wasted a lot of years with this man . Please help me gain some kind of logical perspective without judgement because I feel like I've been in a boxing ring . He told me he loves me but can't be with me and hopes we can be friends someday and that his life is great ! Two days before the break up telling me he cannot wait to grow old with me and how much he loves me . Ah please help ! Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted October 5, 2017 Share Posted October 5, 2017 Get some individual therapy & an STD test. You need to get away from a man who gets violent during fights. You need to love yourself enough to see this for the dysfunctional relationship it is. Ask your kids for support. They probably don't like him but kept silent knowing you wouldn't listen 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kokomo Posted October 5, 2017 Author Share Posted October 5, 2017 Thanks for the reply I've been in individual therapy for a couple years , and I did have a hpv test . Normal . The guy had ED never had penatrative sex with me , used to like toys and oral sex , strange desires but no lovemaking . I'm doing my best here Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted October 5, 2017 Share Posted October 5, 2017 There's another good reason for you to move on. You put up with so much but get little except violence in return. You deserve better. Keep working with your therapist until you believe that. Glad the test was negative. Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted October 5, 2017 Share Posted October 5, 2017 You noted that you've wasted a lot of years with this man. I posted in a thread you created back in March 2016. You were going to seek therapy and help yourself. It's now October 2017. Nothing has changed. He has no responsibility with where you are anymore. At this point you are accountable. Until you take proactive steps to remove him from your life, you will enable the cycle. No, he is not your friend. He is your abuser. Change your number. Seek therapy. Get support from you children and family. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kokomo Posted October 5, 2017 Author Share Posted October 5, 2017 You're right I took him back 2016 changed my god dam number again yesterday !!! It never ends I'm Humiliated and he's happy . I haven't eaten anything and I'm hardly able to work I just want to feel better again I'm beginning to believe him when he says I'm crazy . But he's also extreme narssist and has no remorse and little accountability . It's over I know I'm just in so much incredible pain & im much too old for this Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted October 5, 2017 Share Posted October 5, 2017 (edited) You're right I took him back 2016 changed my god dam number again yesterday !!! It never ends I'm Humiliated and he's happy . I haven't eaten anything and I'm hardly able to work I just want to feel better again I'm beginning to believe him when he says I'm crazy . But he's also extreme narssist and has no remorse and little accountability . It's over I know I'm just in so much incredible pain & im much too old for this It never ends because you made that choice. OP, it took me several years of just being on my own to finally find my way. Like you, I stayed in 2 bad relationships, and one was with a diagnosed narcissist. You're not crazy. You're just a ball of anxiety and nerves because of the toxic cycle you've put yourself through. You've been with an abuser for so many years that your sense of wrong and right, good and bad but worst of all, your sense of self/esteem has been completely shattered. You've stayed with a man that has conditioned you to be very comfortable with volatility. So you keep going back because this is all you know and the push and pull is what feeds your need for validation from him. So you keep going back. Hoping that maybe this time he'll love me -- you're starved for it. But you are looking in all the wrong places. You can post all you want but change doesn't come until you decide you have had enough, but most importantly that you deserve better. Deserving better is a hard concept when you've taught yourself to settle for less. But you get there by removing the poison from your life permanently and recovering -- and that's by slowly cultivating your emotional independence and loving yourself. It took me years to come to that realization. And when I did, I looked inward and spent several years on my own rebuilding. Then you start looking at life with healthier boundaries and higher standards. Only you can break the cycle. The cycle is NEVER going to change. You want a better life and you want to stop wasting more years of your life then do something about it. It's a choice. Edited October 5, 2017 by Zahara Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kokomo Posted October 5, 2017 Author Share Posted October 5, 2017 You're right I know this ! My mom said to me last night . He'll be back guaranteed . Just wait . But she said please please shut that door ... for good ... Why does it have to hurt this much ??? Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted October 5, 2017 Share Posted October 5, 2017 You're right I know this ! My mom said to me last night . He'll be back guaranteed . Just wait . But she said please please shut that door ... for good ... Why does it have to hurt this much ??? It just does. It's heartbreak. It's rejection. It's loss of love. All that entails pain. Managing that pain however doesn't entail going back to what has been hurting you. Again, it's up to you to shut the door. If this was happening to one of your children, what would you tell them? Now apply that advice to yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
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