Dumped after 6 years of relationship

[Gargomo]

Hi everyone, my first love and gf of 6 years juste broke up with and I am trying to understand what went wrong. Long story short, I've been with her for 6 years, she's my first love and we met in high school. We were very close, lived a lot of different situations, some of them were very hard but we survived. We made a lot of sacrifices for each other and I must say we are pretty even on this. We never cheated or had any big argument. We were deeply in love and I thought everything was just going fine.

 

Since a few months, my parents had financial issue and I decided to help them. It meant that I had to work at 2 jobs to help them overcome their issue. Of course, I had little to no time for myself, nor for my friends or my GF. This lasted for 6 months. She also thought that due to our cultural difference, my parents won't let us live the way we would like to live (her way but I was fine with that because I am kinda of the same culture as she is). I told her that won't be the case at all but she didn't believe me and wanted me to talk to my parents face 2 face to have this clarified. I wasn't able to do it because I was afraid to confront my parents that soon. I was giving myself time but I shouldn't have.

 

She wrote me a letter 3 months ago saying that she was feeling very bad as we weren't able to spend much time together, that she wanted that something changes because she feels like she won't be able to keep up. I acknowledged the situation and tried to fix it but I wasn't able to do it again. I knew that the situation was temporary and I thought that our bond was strong enough to survive.

I was also very stressed, exhausted and confused about the situation. I had no time for myself nor for my relationship but I was trying to balance things out and sometimes it worked well and sometimes it did not. I tried the best way possible to make it last but she wasn't satisfied with that and wanted something more concrete.

 

Time flew, we went on a long trip in a foreign country and when we came back she broke up with me. She had a few reasons : - First, she wanted a change and it didn't occur - Second : She detached herself from me little by little - Third : She felt like she changed and had no expectations anymore from our relationship as she was always disappointed - Fourth : She's more confident and have different interests And other small things... I'd like to add the fact that she really tried to talk to me about it and she was always nice when talking about it but I felt like I already lost her because I wasn't getting the love I used to get from her which put me in a negative mode, meaning that I didn't wanted to talk or even try to understand her anymore.

 

After a week of thinking, I feel like that she just want to live her youth. Maybe she wants to go out, make new friends, live her life as without being restrained by a long lasting relationship. I apologized for the fact that I had little to no time for us but I also explained that I was doing it for the right reason. I told her that I understood her but also told her that I was also suffering from it but instead of helping me she was putting me on a edge. Explained her again that we will live the life we want, we will educate our kids like we want and I won't be dictated by my parents.

 

Now we are 2 weeks after the breakup. I am still very lost and don't know what to do. I am not sure if I should try to get her back or just let her live and try to live my own life. Maybe she'll get back to me maybe not but I'd like to understand a bit more her reasons.

 

I am currently in NC mode. I met her 2 days ago just to clarify things and she said that she is really not seeing any future for us or at least for the moment. She has been hurt too much and her feelings are not the same anymore. During the grieve I had a lot of guilt. I was feeling guilty of not doing something before to prevent it. That I should have been more open to the discussion and show her that I can fight my parents for her (even if wasn't that much needed...) I talked a lot to my friends and they said that I was doing the best I could. I was also building a future for us (putting money aside, great progression in my career and have also money from helping parents) and that she would need to understand that it was a sacrifice that she needed to make but she didn't.

 

I forgot to say that about 2,5 months ago she started to going out a lot and started Salsa classes (I told her to find a hobby as I'll be very busy and I don't want to her to wait for me all day long as she had only a part time job). She is still going out at least 3 or 4 times a week and I feel like she is compensating my absence with it and I don't think it's healthy.... Maybe she just want to live as she wanted to live before we started our relationship.

 

I am still madly in love. My love just doesn't fade away but I am very disappointed that hers did. I know that I maybe ****ed up during the 6 months but it's only 6 months in 6 years... I never cheated, never treated her wrong or talked wrongly to her...

 

Thanks for the reading, this is a very short version of the actual facts but I hope it'll be enough for you to get the picture.

 

I absolutely regret nothing, we had a GREAT relationship, we grew together, we had everything for ourselves and I thought we had a great future together...

[Joan621]

I recently ended a 14.5 year relationship for similar reasons. I met my guy when I was pretty young and inexperienced (23, but no real relationships before that). We moved across country together and had a lot of fun, then moved back home a few years ago. When we came back, things changed for me drastically. I found confidence I had been lacking for a long time and started to make my own friends for a change. I became passionate about my job for the first time and slowly started to realize my relationship wasn't what I wanted. Part of this changing process was also just waking up, finally, and seeing all the problems that had existed for so many years in the relationship that I had ignored or pushed aside. I decided to end things because those issues had gone on so long and were not healthy, he wasn't going to change, and I was just unhappy. The last six months were the hardest and he seems to think similarly - how does six months justify ending a 14.5 year relationship? The truth it, it's more than six months. It's a gradual process that neither person really sees while it's happening, but it is.

 

It's the worst thing in the world to end a relationship for these reasons because it is very difficult to articulate to your loved one of so long that you just don't have the same feelings anymore - and you don't want to give a laundry list of all of their issues either because ultimately it's about yourself. Trust me when I say she is suffering too, even if it was the right decision.

 

I tried having a post-breakup discussion with my ex and it was awful because he wanted something more than I just grew apart and I couldn't give it to him. It was heartbreaking for both of us. Unfortunately, this really does just happen. Your girlfriend grew apart from you, plain and simple. That is reason enough to end things and you are better off if she changed and needed something different and recognized that. I think it's good to keep the no contact and focus on moving on rather than trying to win her back. If I went back to my ex, it would be entirely based on the guilt I feel leaving for those reasons and that is no foundation for a positive long lasting union.

[Gargomo]

Thanks a lot for your feedback, it gave me some perspective on the matter.

14.5 years is really a long time !

 

I understand your view and I guess she had something similar in her mind as well without being sure at 100%.

 

But the thing is, I also grew up in those 6 years. I have a lot more confidence than before, way more extravert than before, thanks to her too. I started my career and I am fulfilled by it. But it doesn't mean that I don't love her anymore, or that my feelings have changed. Those are all external circumstances and I was very happy to share them with her. I truly loved for who she was and not what was around us, it didn't matter to me. I loved her enough to get rid of any obstacles we may have (we lived a long distance relationship for quite a while as well but we were from the same school so it helped a bit)

 

I can't think of any big toxic or unwanted things that may ruin our relationship. She had some issues with my family and I feel like she used that as an excuse to move on maybe it helped her to justify her decision... But hey I guess there is nothing I can do.

 

I feel like if you really deeply love someone, you just go along, you communicate, you find solution, even if it takes years because your foundation should be strong enough to overcome that... At least, this is what I thought and I now I am afraid to give so much of me to someone because I don't want to encounter the same situation again in the future.

[Joan621]

I would just say this. Part of my learning experience is that love, in and of itself, isn't enough for any relationship to be sustained. Even if you grew too and were willing to do everything in your power to make the relationship work out of love, it wasn't going to be enough if part of her growth process was to change in a way where the relationship was not something she wanted anymore. There doesn't have to be any major toxic thing to bring about the end in these scenarios.

 

Trust me, I was overwhelmed with guilt when I realized my feelings had changed. I went into individual therapy to deal with it for months before I ended it. I had similar thoughts - we had invested so many years into the relationship, I had to make it work. But here is the thing - I let problems grow and fester because I believed once committed to someone, always committed to someone and I thought I was avoiding unnecessary conflict for the sake of the relationship. Really, I was just ignoring a part of myself that quietly nagged at me that something was off. By the end, I was inevitably trying to force my feelings to change or convince myself to ignore them because of 14 years. That would have been very unhealthy if I had gone that route. We went to a couple of couple therapy sessions where I realized that it wasn't going to work because I no longer was in love. I could waste our time and do that for a year or more (and then talk myself out of breaking up because now we have 16 years under our belt!), or just be honest with myself and do the right thing for both of us. It is killing him right now, but I know in my heart I would have remained unhappy and distant and we both deserve better than that.

 

Don't let this stop you from giving yourself to someone else. It is human nature for people to fall in and out of love, and to just change. You may very well find yourself in her shoes in a future relationship. It's a risk you always have to take to be in a relationship. And don't focus on a number. It's the quality of the relationship, not the duration, that ultimately matters.

[Gargomo]

Thanks again Joan ! I get your point. Thanks for sharing your life experience with me.

 

I am going to see a coach to get some counseling and get over with. She wanted that I change some things in my life not only for her but for me as well. I know she was right and maybe it's time to make those changes happen. I'll not get her back with it but at least I'll be in a better place.

 

Thanks again.