Selfish Boyfriend - what is your definition of selfish?

[radhattr]

I need to write about this here to get some feedback.

 

I recently got back together with my boyfriend. I had broken up with him because of his temper and some things he rudely said to me regarding money and how he was and would be the 'best thing that's ever happened to me', but then called him to reconcile after two things happened 1) i nearly got in a fatal car wreck, and 2) i watched a video called ADD and Intimate Relationships (I have ADD) so i figured that things were partially his fault, but also could have been partially mine. I called him and we made up on Sunday (after 10 days), and Monday i came down with a horrible cold (probably from all the stress of the previous week). On Tuesday he brought me soup and advil and gave me some back rubs and we were trying to have good communication. On Wednesday, he asked me to go on a trip with him and his friends to a cabin and go hiking in the woods for memorial day weekend. I am/was very excited to do this. But as today came, i started worrying about sleeping in a tent so soon, for fear of remaining sick longer. I called him and in a very nice way, I asked him if I wasn't feeling well enough, could we leave to go up for the weekend on Saturday morning early, so I could get one more night of comfortable sleep in a bed to help my healing, so as not to push myself too soon and remain sicker longer (and as of right this minute I think and thought it would be a good idea to insure i get better this weekend and not worse).

 

His response was so cold. He basically said that these were plans he made when he was 'single' and that all his friends were counting on him to take them skiing, and blahblahblahblah and that 'he knew this was going to happen'. And then when i said that all i was looking for was to just know that he would take my feelings into consideration when the time comes, if i still don't feel well.....either by staying home tomorrow night for one more night in a bed instead of a tent to heal better (leaving early Saturday morning) OR to come home early if I end up getting worse, and he reamed into me saying that it's always a conflict with me, and that he made these plans without me so i shouldn't expect him to care about my being sick, and that if i still have a cold tomorrow (i came down with it monday night) that there must be something more wrong with me and i should stay home and see a doctor, and then he cut me off and said he would not have this conversation with me any more. We just got back together and he said he wanted to 'work on things'. And one of the things he wanted me to do for him was to 'listen to him' and 'hear his point of view and where he is coming from'.

 

And the thing is, he has done this to me before when i've been sick, has totally put himself before my health and concern about me, one time leaving me when i was very sick to go skiing (long in depth story i can't go into here)....until one time when he was puking his guts out and i stayed right by his side and held his head and got him juice and food and took care of him (i've done this multiple times - also a time when he puked on new years day from an ulcer after it had snowed a foot and i went home to take care of him instead of going skiing myself.) This particular time, to make a point, after he came out of the bathroom after puking, i told him i was leaving to go skiing (he loves to ski and would normally leave me in seconds flat if i were sick if it meant he could ski) and he looked at me with this horrified face, and in disbelief, he said "you're gonna leave me to go skiing?" and i said yes i am........and waited a bit, and then turned and said......"how does it feel?" He ran into the bathroom to puke again then took a bath and came back out and totally apologized and said he would never do that to me again, and that now he totally knew how it felt and he was sorry.

 

So anyway, where was i? I guess the last thing said was him telling me 'why do you always start conflict?' and 'I'm not having this conversation with you anymore.' This was after he said that these were plans he made when he was 'single' and 'i was afraid this was going to happen'.

 

And FYI, I am one of the most outgoing active girls around. I would NEVER choose to stay home if i felt ok. I am usually leaving HIM in the dust......

 

 

All my girlfriends say that he is a selfish a**h*** and I don't need someone like that in my life. I am trying to believe that myself, but right now i just keep wishing that some lightbulb would go off i his head as far as being a kinder, more sensitive, less selfish person. I guess it isn't going to happen and i need to smack myself upside the head and smell the coffee. But it's hard.

 

So, i ended the conversation by saying that i would wait and see how i feel tomorrow and go if i feel ok, or stay if i don't, and I'd let him know and would not go. All i really want him to do is just call me back and tell me he's sorry and he will take how i feel into consideration. That's all.

 

What would you do?

 

 

 

 

UPDATE: ironically, he just called while i was writing this, and i didn't answer the phone (can't talk to him now, i'm too upset). so he leaves a message that says, "HI, just calling, just want to chat, I just wanted to say I didn't mean to get you all upset (he left me crying on the phone at the end), but it just seems like there's just too much conflict being brought up, and it seems like you were testing me to see what i would do, and i don't appreciate that either, you know i totally think let's just see how you feel tomorrow and decide what we need to do tomorrow. so i guess that's it. bye"

 

 

 

for the record, i was 100% not "testing" him per se, but i can't deny the fact that i am worried about his reaction should the situation arise, and i felt it was better to bring it up now than bring it up at the last minute. this is a recurring theme with him, as i find him very selfish in a lot of ways - mostly just caring about himself 24/7. All my friends see it, why can't i?

 

[suegail]

You two don't sound compatible, period! If you can have some fun times with him, then go ahead and go for the gusto and enjoy the good times, but I wouldn't make any long term plans with this guy.

[radhattr]

compatibility is totally not the issue, we are actually completely compatable as far as likes, dislikes, and interests.....we are both very active, love to hike, climb, bike, backpack, camp, have dogs, enjoy cooking eating good food, and we have a great time together when things are GOOD......it's not the compatibility.

 

it's just that he's damn selfish in my opinion. when anything like sickness or something that makes it so he might have to compromise or give up something on his end for the benefit of me or our relatiosnhip, he is not willing. and in that case, i figure there is nothing i can do to change him, so be it.

 

i'm just trying to figure out if most people in good relationships have partners that will help them and take care of them (to a certain extent) when they are sick. if people in good relationships will sacrifice their own pleasure if their partner is sick or in pain (or in this case, would go to the mtn one day later so i can get an extra day of rest in a real bed) i don't think it's too much to ask.......

[radhattr]

ahhhhhhhhh, never mind......i see what you are saying, and i sort of agree, we make good friends and activity buddies, but not long term romantic partners. i need a romantic partner to care about my health and well being, enough to put it above personal pleasure and unimportant (in the long run) activities. because, believe me, if there is anyone that enjoys outdoor activities it's me, but i will always put the care of my partner above what or when or where i go

 

yes, this i agree with...........

[suegail]

exactly, because you are athletic and an outdoors, on the go kind of person and he is too, you can have great times together. However, what you've described, lack of consideration, lack of compassion, everything's dandy as long as he's getting to do what he wants and your health doesn't interfere, then he's crabby, then he's slinging sarcastic remarks, he's unreasonable - - this is very telling as far as what his personality is like and what it would be like to link up with him permanently. You'd wind up so unhappy. THis is why I say enjoy the good times you can have together, but be realistic about the relationship. You deserve to be treated with respect.