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Dealing with loneliness after a breakup


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As the title suggests, I would love some advice or past experiences from people who have been through this or could help me, or anyone for that matter through the loneliness that occurs after most break ups.

 

Just to give you a little info on how I'm feeling at the minute and i think a lot will be in a similar position or have been at one point:

 

I am now coming up to 4 months since the BU from my GF of 5 years.

 

The first month or so i was terrible, feeling very down and depressed ever day but i got through it, the 2nd and 3rd months weren't so bad, i joined the gym and took part in as many classes as i can and spending a bit of time there through the week and then on Friday, Saturday and Sunday i was going out with friends one way or another every weekend which took my mind off things completely. I spoke to a few girls but it didnt feel right and i got the impression that that sort of rubbed off on them and caused them to lose interest.

 

This last month, i think my life is starting to settle back down, i am still out maybe once a weekend and still going the gym but the loneliness is starting to set in and it feels nearly as bad as the first month.

 

I have a good amount of close friends who are there for me and a close family that is always happy to help but i still feel like i have no one.

 

I miss the companionship of a relationship, that waking up to a text in the morning or falling asleep with someone or even just having people who care about you in this way. Parts of me wants someone there for me but most of me doesnt. but i havent dated since the BU and now i have stopped talking to any girls, i do not put myself in positions to meet them and just feel kind of awkward when i do.

 

I hate these feelings of loneliness and sometimes it feels like depression. I have amazing things to look forward to in 2 months time as i am going on holiday for 8 weeks and start my new dream job when i come back but until then i see no light at the end of the tunnel in terms of being happy and meeting someone who cares for me again.

 

Is anyone going through anything similar at the minute or has been through this and have any words of wisdom for us?

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I was going through the same as you, but I think I turned a corner this week. I was with my ex for 14 months and we have been split up for 4 months. I missed the messages and texting, company on the sofa and busy weekends. Staying NC has been hard but I got there with it.

 

I've just had to get on and find stuff to do, go to the gym, cinema, play my Xbox, hang out with friends and even have a holiday away with some friends for a weekend, you just need to occupy your time, find something to keep your mind busy. Hell, I even brought a cat, who keeps me company, and she is a nice distraction to come home to.

 

Easier said than done, but in time, you will enjoy your own time and company. I would love some companionship but I know that I'm not ready yet so I'm not looking for dates or anything like that, I'm just working on fixing me, both physically and mentally.

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I'm in the same boat. My ex and I were together on again off again for 1.5 years. We knew everything about each others lives then I got depressed and pushed her away the whole summer. She ended up meeting someone new and I am full of nothing but regret, even though the relationship was really rocky at times. But we had a routine that was our lives for the whole time and now she has a routine with someone else and I am struggling to find myself again.

 

You're doing everything right though, just focus on yourself and keep moving forward!

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Spend more time with your friends. Throw yourself into work / hobbies. Find reasons to be grateful for what you do have in your life.

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thanks for the kind words guys. I know myself i am not doing too bad and i am doing everything i can to keep busy but that doesnt stop the feelings some times.

 

theres nothing more id like at the minute than to have companionship with someone again but i know i am not ready and i am not going to pursue any with another person until i am ready.

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You're far far far from alone. Totally normal to be feeling those kind of emotions, and being this way. Definitely yes try to breakdown the positive things around you and how you could be a hell of a lot worse off, and try to be more grateful for those things. It does help. I've found contradictory advice on breakup recovery confused me with a breakup, in that some advice was feel the emotions, the darkness, process it all, even..dive into the fire. Then you'll process it quicker.

 

That compared with distract yourself, don't dwell, focus on other stuff, it's quite contradictory. I've found allowing yourself only 10 mins a day or whatever thinking about those things max is the right balance. Remove all reminders, catch yourself out torturing yourself about your weaknesses and re-direct the thought trains. So with regards to reasons for the downfalls of the relationship, and how low you feel when you're doing something at home...alone as opposed to with a partner.

 

Those are the key ones obsessive thought can occur around, and if you tackle that, you become you're own friend and don't feel so insecure when alone or with other people. Best of luck OP.

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Thanks Bryan, I agree with you on the getting through it bit from my experiences so far. I get through most of the day but I find its the odd times when I'm home alone with no one to talk to are the hardest but I can see light at the end of the tunnel...barely.

 

I have spoken with a lot of people about this topic and at some point i understand most people go through similar feelings after a break up, but apart from the normal advice of keeping busy and active there is nothing else to help out.

 

I will keep plodding along and hopefully my mental state gets better over time.

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It sounds like you are doing many things to keep yourself busy. There is one thing that I notice is missing. Have you taken the time to process and analyze what went wrong in the previous relationship? Have you considered what your contributions to the problems were? It's easy to focus outside of ourselves, but the real healing occurs when we focus within. The book, Boundaries in Dating, may get you on that journey.

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Oh boy I can soooo relate I'm one yr post break up and I'm still have bad bouts of loneliness for me it's compounded as all my family and most my friends live interstate plus parents are both passed away so that doesn't help lol.

 

I think what speeds up the healing is a fresh new start whatever that may be away from all the reminders.

 

Me personally I think it is important to not run away from these feelings as that's u healing. I think distraction is important like when ur doing important things like work that require ur attention but wen that feeling suddenly comes back and it's because u been trying to stay busy and forget that's wen I really think it's important for u to sit wth it and process it and deal wth the ugliness those feelings bring up in us.

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I'm struggling with this too. Been only a week but I miss my best friend so much. I don't feel like doing anything at the moment. We had a love of obscure foreign films and it took me decades to find someone like that so I doubt I'll ever find another.

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fireflyingaway

I'm going through the same thing.

 

It's amazing how different your life feels when you lose "your person". The one you could share anything with. Someone who was so involved in your life...one day they're there and the next, they're gone. Its so weird. It leaves such a big hole.

 

Every day it gets better though...time is an amazing thing. All you can do is go through the motions.

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I'm going through the same thing.

 

It's amazing how different your life feels when you lose "your person". The one you could share anything with. Someone who was so involved in your life...one day they're there and the next, they're gone. Its so weird. It leaves such a big hole.

 

Every day it gets better though...time is an amazing thing. All you can do is go through the motions.

 

3 - 4 months was tough. You are past the initial shock and now the reality sets in they are not coming back - ever. It tends to set you back.

 

My advice would be to go out and date. I know you say you're not ready but you would be amazed at how much chicks blowing up your phone helps. Along with the loss your ego takes a huge hit. It's nice to know you're still wanted. Moreover, you are out of practice and need to get good so when she does come along you don't F it all up. And if you don't practice I promise you will.

 

I bolded the above as a warning for your next RL. Make sure you get to a point where you are happy all alone. Never give a woman that power over you where her absence will crush your world. That's what I did and it made it so much harder to get over. She was my everything. Never again.

 

I'm a year and change out and I'm doing so much better. I've got chicks in the hopper and I'm at the point where I don't care if they stay or go. I'm finally living life for me rather than someone else.

 

I worry that I'm enjoying being alone so much I'll have difficulties in my next relationship. I'll cross that bridge when I come to it :D

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I'm still feeling that hole. It's growing fainter but still there :') . It's a major adjustment not waking up to message him like I used to, or going to sleep knowing someone's thinking about me too when I do. I've accepted the loneliness and the pain that comes with it. It's part of my recovery to learn to love myself before loving someone else. It's lonelier laying next to someone who's mentally gone than laying by yourself. At least you still have you.

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I broke up with my ex-fiancé of 5 years a long time ago. I can tell you that sitting around feeling sorry for yourself will not accomplish anything. I went out and met girls and got a new girlfriend after a month of the breakup. Having sex with her erased all memories of my ex from my mind.

 

You need to get out and around places where there are girls. You never know where you may find your next love. I had broken up with a girlfriend and the next month I saw my wife on a train coming home from work. I decided to talk to her. 3 weeks later we were engaged and have been very happily married for 45 years.

 

When I look back on my life, I realize that the single best thing that every happened to me was breaking up with my ex-fiancé. I was heart broken when I found out that she cheated when I was in combat. About 10 years ago she called me up. We ended up living near each other. She wanted to apologize and tell me her sad tale of her life after our breakup. She got hooked on drugs, joined a commune where she was passed around to various men and women. She cleaned up but had developed mental issues and as a result hears voices and obeys them. She got married and cheated on her husband only to divorce him after he made the last tuition payment for her son who was from some unknown guy. She ended up marrying a woman. She said that she was an anti-capitalist and I made my living being a capitalist.

 

If not for our break up I would not have entered my line of work or met my wife. I still view that break up as the single most important thing that ever happened to me. Some day you will be looking back on your life too. Hopefully you will have a nice wife and kids. You too will think how lucky you were that she broke up with you too. Get out and date. The best way to get over a girl is to get under another one.

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I used to feel the same after some break-ups. Usually, what helped me go through was keeping my mind busy with other stuff and doing things I like.

 

It's okay to feel sad and depressed, so you sit down and take some time to think about what happened, what went wrong and how you can prevent it to happen in the future. Many people don't do this and jump directly into the dating market again, which IMO it's a big mistake. I strongly advice you not to start dating girls until you're fully reassured.

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It's okay to feel sad and depressed, so you sit down and take some time to think about what happened, what went wrong and how you can prevent it to happen in the future. Many people don't do this and jump directly into the dating market again, which IMO it's a big mistake. I strongly advice you not to start dating girls until you're fully reassured.

 

Strongly agree with this.

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fireflyingaway
I'm still feeling that hole. It's growing fainter but still there :') . It's a major adjustment not waking up to message him like I used to, or going to sleep knowing someone's thinking about me too when I do. I've accepted the loneliness and the pain that comes with it. It's part of my recovery to learn to love myself before loving someone else. It's lonelier laying next to someone who's mentally gone than laying by yourself. At least you still have you.

 

I love this. Feel the same way. Its way lonelier laying next to someone who doesn't love you or care for you the way deserve. Laying in the dark listening to the person snore and having them fall asleep while you just feel empty. You shove it all aside just to fall asleep.

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I am going through it to my ex left me 2 1/2 months.we were together for 3 years and we almost got married. The first couple weeks sucked but I was able to pull it All together and I've been accomplishing many goals. My best advice is to talk about it more and let the gym life take over it's healthy for you're body to workout. Ive been dating a bit and notice how many other better women there are out there. Keep you're head up and use this depression as fuel to accomplish anything you want to do. You got this champ

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it is looking like most of you are saying the best thing to do is carry on what I am doing and feel the emotions and dont date until the time is right.

 

I am going on holiday for 2 months in 2 months so i doubt much dating will happen before i go so when i come back ill re evaluate and see if i am ready then. But in my current lifestyle, i do not come across many new girls so maybe ill have to try and change my ways somehow.

 

Regarding looking back over my relationship and understanding where it went wrong, i have done that as much as i can, the break up was a shock to me and i thought we were getting on great and she was giving me false signals but not much i can do about that. I know what not to do and what to do next time i get in a relationship.

 

i think im just going to have to embrace the feelings of loneliness and accept that it happens and battle through it while i can whilst keeping busy.

 

Thanks for all your kind words

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