Mistake after mistake..Did I make the right choice..

[Sire1986]

Where to begin.. I need to get this off my chest as I don't have anyone to talk too..

Incoming wall of text... please read and give me advice, I desperately need it..

 

I started talking to a co worker who had just broke up with her EX (Mistake #1) maybe 2 to 3 weeks prior to us talking.

 

It started off friendly we were just hanging out. I made it clear to her what my intentions were, I explained to her that I'm at the point in my life where I'm looking to settle down and that if she was looking for a distraction to get over her EX to look elsewhere.

 

Due to what she told me about the guy it seemed like an easy task, he had no car, not even a drivers license.. he was verbally abusive and thrashed her house (punched holes in her doors and wall)

 

She explained that she was looking for someone that would be good to her and her daughter. After a few weeks she introduced me to her parents, friends and even her kids God parents.. things felt like they were moving fast.. but also felt like they were falling into place for what I wanted which made me happy. Her parents even started texting me and were making jokes about us moving in together. I even paid for her kids daycare $378 because she was struggling a little bit, and agreed to pay half moving forward (Mistake #2)

 

About 2 weeks ago, I took her and her kid to the zoo, things went well until we got home. Shortly after I drop her off I received a call from a friend of hers saying that she is distraught and is crying and that she wanted me to know "that she finally got the closure she needed from her EX. When I spoke to her she was crying so I came over to her house to find out what happened. I figured he verbally abused her again or something to that nature but I was wrong.

 

She was crying and upset because he was sleeping with someone else and he told her he was in love. Which made me feel like complete garbage.. I just took you to the zoo paid your kids daycare and your crying over your abusive ex cause he's sleeping with someone else.. I didn't act pissed but I explained to her i was disappointed that she was so upset, but I also understood that she never really had time to mourn a breakup with him.

 

Over the next week she avoided me like the plague at work and outside of work..literally wouldn't even speak to me, if I tried to talk to her she would walk away or be rude.. telling me to go away, i admit that i did a poor job of giving her space because i didnt understand why i was being shuned and ignored when i did nothing wronv..One day while I was on my lunch break her parents called me and explained they didn't know why she was so upset over this guy and that she may just need a few days to pity herself to move on. But they completely understood how I felt. I asked them to talk and they invited me over to their house (I had nobody to talk to or vent and I didn't know how to handle the situation) so I went over to their house and talked to them for like an hour. I didn't think anything of it as I didn't say anything bad about her but apparently it royally pissed her off.

 

Over this past weekend she wouldn't talk to me at all, continued to be rude when i saw her and even started talking to other guys in front of me just to get under my skin and all I can think about is WTF did I do to deserve this?? I didn't call you and tell you I'm sleeping with someone I've only done nice things. I helped her with her car, daycare, took her out to the zoo.. hell at night when she would be sleeping and her kid started crying I would go in there and pick her up and comfort the kid while she slept!! etc..

 

So yesterday, I finally see her at work and I talk to her and she explains that she is probably getting back with her EX and that she is respecting his wishes and not talking to me. I asked her if we could be friends and be friendly to each other cause we work together and she replied " unfortunately not, to be honest i feel like if you didn't go to my parents house things would be different between us right Now" like wtf does that even mean?

 

So today before writing this, I've been so fed up with her treating me like **** for no reason and not even being professional and friendly at work when I saw her i told her I wanted the $190 (half) that we agreed upon for her kids daycare. She ignored me and walked away.

 

Later today she came up to me and said that her family wants me to remove them from my phone and that this shows what type of person I am.. and solidifies that she made the correct choice in getting back with her EX and that she wants nothing to do with me ever again. She also said she is going to pay me the entire 378$ back..

 

So now I question, if I made the right choice.. i still feel for her even though she has treated me so poorly and I don't know why.. I even feel guilty asking for the money.

[tnt41]

I asked her if we could be friends and be friendly to each other cause we work together and she replied " unfortunately not, to be honest i feel like if you didn't go to my parents house things would be different between us right Now" like wtf does that even mean?

 

It means you crossed a line with her. It doesn't matter if you feel that you didn't. I do know that I would personally be pissed off if the man who I was struggling to get space from then sought out my parents as a sounding board. I realize that you probably had no bad intentions, but there's got to be someone else in your life you can vent to beyond the parents of the woman who kept asking to be left alone. At this point, it's best to break off contact & let her initiate. Just don't count on a reply. As to removing the parents' number... respect their wishes. They'll contact you if they choose to do so.

 

I'm sorry about your heartbreak. I hope you can let her go & heal to find someone who's in a better frame of mind.

[PegNosePete]

she replied " unfortunately not, to be honest i feel like if you didn't go to my parents house things would be different between us right Now" like wtf does that even mean?

It means she is looking for any old excuse to blame YOU and make YOU the bad guy, rather than taking responsibility for her actions and the pain she's caused, and continues to cause.

 

i told her I wanted the $190 (half) that we agreed upon for her kids daycare. She ignored me and walked away.

I've seen enough Judge Judy to know that you paid this money as a gift, There was no loan agreement. She is under no obligation to pay you back a cent of it. So now she says she'll pay the whole $378 back, don't hold your breath. If she does, great. If not, you have to just forget it.

 

Look she's clearly madder than box of frogs. You really don't want this person in your life any more. She has treated you like a piece of garbage. Now you need to cut her and her family off, and find someone who will treat you like the decent and generous guy you are.

[Goodguy05]

She's certainly turned the guilt over on to u. I know how u feel woman can be very manipulative either that or have no awareness of how something like what she did wouldn't hurt or upset u. Having said that the mistake u made was after she told u she had just broke up a few weeks ago u should of stayed way clear. Us guys get so blindsided I bet she was probably beautiful and her beauty blindsided u and clouded ur judgement and u missed that very obvious red flag.

 

Don't worry I've done it as well wth my last ex. Woman have so much power especially if they're beautiful. They can summon seduction something us guys don't have because were not a woman and hence that is the secret of a woman and her power sux right?

 

I read yesterday about a survey that was conducted in the UK of 1200 woman. 51 percent had a plan b a fallback guy in case there relationship didn't work out and married woman even. Frightening if u ask me. Even though it was only a small snapshot, that's kinda been my experience I have had wth every relationship I've had wth them.

They are much more emotionally smart then us men. But i believe they have things like seduction and beauty that we men just dont possess and they utilise those qualities for there own advantage. Woman are always thinking 'scale up u come to realise this as u get older not necessarily financially but more so to do wth there needs and circumstances.

 

U probably shot yourself in the foot wen u asked for half the money back I only say this because I can see how guilty u feel over it. My suggestion and this goes wth me too let it go u can't take back what u said unless u tell her to just keep the money if that's what ur wanting to do but I bet then if she does keep it after ur suggestion ur gonna feel pissed. So the way I look at it, ur either going to be dealing wth the emotions of guilt or being angry. Make peace wth it either way that emotion will fade in time. As for her going back to her ex that won't last. She is going to get so hurt and conflicted she is entering a world of pain wth that guy. Why? Because he cheated she won't be able to move on or get passed that in her head. It's damaged.

Edited September 14, 2017 by Goodguy05

[Sire1986]

Yeah asking for the money back was probably a mistake because she is just using that as a reason to hate me..But ultimately I made the choice on 2 factors.

 

#1 She breaks up with her BF again and trys to get me back which would be stupid for me to fall for again due to the fact that she would just put me through this again.

 

#2 She stays with him for a while and I lost out anyways.

 

Let me give you more insight, her God parents purchased her a brand-new 2017 car in their name so she has a safe car for her and her kid. She would make the payments obviously. Under one condition she doesn't go back to her EX.

 

This past week she has been driving her old beater and a couple days ago I asked her in passing "what's up with driving the old car" she replied I gave it back to my parents don't act like you didn't know.

 

She flat out told me we couldn't even be friends 2 days ago, wether she was talking out of emotion and not logic I'll never know. But bottom line I didn't deserve to be treated like that. So yeah, I'm hurt and I made a "screw her" decision is asking for it back which is not like me at all which is why I feel guilty.

 

Bottom line your right, even if I go up to her and tell her to keep the money she will probably reply with a rude comment and say no I'm still giving it back because she wants nothing to do with me. I just need to find a way to move on. It's just hard because we work together in a small building and see each other all day long. I've made this mistake before and I should have known it would end up in disaster.

[Cersei]

I think you should take a look at all the mistakes you have made through this experience and learn from them.

-Dating coworker

-Dating recently broken up woman

-Giving her money

-Meeting up with her parents

 

You seem to have a lot of love to give someone. That is a good thing. However going forward make better choices.

[wildirishchick]

Oh my.... our stories are almost identical. I'm sorry you're going through this. Let her go.... just remember, karma is a bitch!!

 

Could you explain to me why my ex would go around bad mouthing me IF he's so happy and back with his ex? I just don't get it.

[Captivating]

She is immature and has no class.

She was moving way too fast, she was introducing you in her family ... she might have a personality disorder, being a narcissist. She avoided you before you went to her parents, but this parent visit gave her the perfect aliby to be upset about, blaming you of course.....what a manipulator ! (narcissist??) Instead of owning up to the fact that she is still in love with the ex.

 

You did nothing wrong, you did not deserve to be treated like that.

HER LOSS ! There is a so called "trauma bonding" with an abuser, this is why some women can't move on a toxic relationship.

 

She might want to come back in the future, do not let her, she is trouble (and troubled). After you get your money back avoid her.

There are so many nice women out there, get on a dating site and invite the ladies out for a coffee date. Have fun !

Edited September 14, 2017 by Captivating

[Sire1986]

Any sites you recommend? I've done POF in the past but in starting to not like it.

[ExpatInItaly]

I agree with the others; this situation had red flags and "Danger!" written all over it.

 

I would hold off on dating again for a little bit, until you're further along in your healing and able to identify why you pursued this woman, knowing the risks involved. That way, you'll be able to filter out the next pretty loon who crosses your path and not repeat the same mistakes.

[Boymomma]

Wow, you sound like me! You may want to look up codependency issues and see if you can identify with that.

 

I think the issue is:

 

a) basically YOU yourself are scared of true intimacy and an emotional connection, therefore you chose partners who have a habit of taking advantage of you, being avoidant, or using you for their own benefit.

 

b) you like to be the "fix it" person and have lots of empathy, which is what makes you more suspectible to these types of relationships.

 

c) recent breakup, helping out with daycare (not your responsibility), and the fact that she is a coworker are all reasons that you probably WERE attracted to the relationship...you know the drama is the appeal.

 

I am reading this book called "He's Scared, She's Scared" that I bought on amazon. Its really helpful! I would encourage you to think about whether you have a history of dating unavailable or innapropriate people and get to the root cause of why that is. That's what I am trying to do!

[dumbass2]

Only focus now on things YOU can control. Learn from mistakes you feel you made and just be polite with her at work. Do not initiate anything with her that doesn't deal with work. Forget about the money and don't bring it up again. You never really had a chance with this woman. You seem like a good guy and she does not deserve anything else from you. If she comes to you for anything other than work, ignore her or if you feel you have to, tell her that you from now on you two only discuss work. You are not there for her any more for emotional or financial support.

[Redhead14]

When you make a decision, you stick with it PERIOD. The decision is made. All the mind Fing that follows is just that. Stop doing that to yourself.

 

Go back reread your post . . . there is nothing in it that supports a decision other than the one you made.

 

Feeling guilty about asking for the money would only be happening if your motive for asking for it was passive-aggressive and/or an attempt to ensure that you'd be able to see her again. If you asked for it on the merit of an agreement between you two, then that's what you rest on.

[Sire1986]

Thanks for all the replies, it's been a couple days of NC even at work we don't speak, unless I absolutely have too for work purposes.

 

Yesterday, I almost texted her letting her know that she could keep the money cause in reality I don't really care for it back. It's not like I'm hurting for money.

 

In the end I decided not too cause it wouldn't change anything, I doubt she would have even replied to the text. If she did it would have probably been something nasty and rude to me.

 

It sucks because everytime I see her at work I still feel heartache and I still find her extremely attractive. I just hope those feelings fade with time.

[Marc878]

Are you so hard up that you can't realize you just dodged not a bullet but a huge cannon she'll?

 

Why in the name of God would you want to be associated with any of this?

 

Block her and her family and move on. It's the smart thing to do.