What the hell is wrong with me?

[Jchav123]

Bear with me this is a long back story:

 

Met this girl in 2015. Shes 26. I'm 35. She actually showed me my apartment. We became fast friends. At the time she was fresh off a break up from very cruel older man. I guess she has a thing for older men? We are friends for several months then get closer and finally start dating. I find out very fast she doesn't have high self confidence and is prone to extreme jealousy. I figure this has something to do with the previous boyfriend. We have our ups and downs and actually break up several times over the course of the next year and a half. We took trips to Galveston and Mexico. I caught her cheating on me even. But I forgave her. Everything and everyone is telling me its a toxic relationship but I press on.

 

Beginning about January of this year we are serious about moving in together. I am genuinely happy with this girl. We are practically weeks from pulling the trigger, even have signed a lease on an apartment and we realize there's a major complication with parking. I refuse to sell one of my cars to accommodate but suggest we just find another place. She breaks up with me and moves in alone. I swear to myself we are done. But lo and behold we get back together a month later. but we break up again a month after that.

 

Fast forward to July. I spend most of this year depressed and stressed out over the relationship and myself in general so I get a personal trainer and start seeing major results. I figure I can turn it around. So I invite her out to a nice museum date to something I know we both will like and enjoy because we were in Mexico. It was a Mayan exhibit and we visited the ruins while on vacation. A few days later we argue once again and she says she doesn't want to see or talk to me for a while. Sure, this has happened before, she needs space.

 

3 weeks later nothing. I text I call, nothing. I finally get a reply and learn that a week later after her NC she met someone online. Says the most amazing man who can communicate with her and very attentive and on and on! Also 3 years older than me. I spend all of August trying to get her back (Knowing this is toxic) and manage to get her talking to me for hours every day on the phone. Going out to dinners with me, and we even slept together. I am not sure how I feel about it because at this point shes "Officially" his girlfriend and she didn't even bat an eye at throwing herself at me.

 

I start bettering myself, being more social and meeting new people and I post all my fun on social media. A very good friend of mine and I were out partying while my ex was staying the weekend at her boyfriends house. The ex texted me early in the morning blowing up my phone about me dating this girl (who I have known for 20 years and have never dated and she knows that) and says we cant talk anymore. I don't respond because I knew it was coming. The next day I am out again because its Labor day weekend and social media all of my fun with people I am with. At this point I know shes home by herself drinking because of the texts that come through to my phone.

 

Criticizes me about being out all the time and how unhappy I am and how expensive it must be. How I am always with this friend of mine when we are broken up (I literally hang out with this chick friend like 3 times a year and I was only with her for the one day). She threatens to kick this girls ass if she see her for being in my bed when the ex and I were dating (that never happened) and how her man is everything a man should be and this and that. He is on his way out of town for 2 weeks as of this point.

 

Lets go to today!

 

This all happened Labor day weekend. I sent her an email explaining how disrespectful her outburst was to me and told her she needs to do better. We exchange back and forth but no call or no texts. This whole last week I have felt so damn low because I know she has moved on and has someone already but HERE I AM wanting to be back with this person, and regretting never moving in with her in the first place. I spent the whole year depressed over this person and how I felt, and how we generally treated each other.

 

Why am I so love sick over such a toxic relationship? It seems like nothing I do to take my mind off of her will help. She's clearly in a rebound relationship and I feel like it wont last because she NEEDs to feel validated and the guy she is with is short tempered, jealous, kind of racist (all this according to her actually), and ready to have a family like...now. The are about to celebrate their 2 month anniversary and it kills me to know that I CAN do better, and I am still pining over her. But it also kills me to know she and he are together and there's nothing I can do about it.

 

So. What the hell is wrong with me??

[Downtown]

Why am I so love sick over such a toxic relationship? ...What the hell is wrong with me??

JChav, welcome to the LoveShack forum. If I had to guess, I would say you very likely are an excessive caregiver like me. If so, your desire to be needed (for what you can do) far exceeds your desire to be loved (for the man you already are). The result is that, when you are searching for a mate, you walk right on past all the emotionally stable women (BORING!) -- and keep walking until you spot a woman who can project her vulnerability across a crowded room.

 

When you posted in Zi's thread, did you have time to take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs? If so, did most of them sound very familiar to you? If you would like to discuss them, it would be helpful if you would tell us which signs apply strongly and which apply very weakly (or not at all).

[tnt41]

What's wrong with you? You're human, that's what. Unfortunately, there's no cure.

 

Knowing you can do better is seriously the first step. It means you've stopped glossing over all the bad for the sake of the good. It takes time to heal, but once you do, you can pine after somebody else.

 

At this point, blocking further communication is best. If you are close enough with your friends to do so, ask them not to share details with you about your ex. Not knowing will drive you crazy in the beginning, but it's beneficial in the long run.

[Jchav123]

When you posted in Zi's thread, did you have time to take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs? If so, did most of them sound very familiar to you? If you would like to discuss them, it would be helpful if you would tell us which signs apply strongly and which apply very weakly (or not at all).

 

Virtually all of them apply but it's hard to say weakly or strongly. I have a sense she is a high functioning BPD because there are days, even weeks she is seriously on her game, she has a stable job she is excelling at and moving forward (or up in) and tends to do well focusing on her personal goals. But when things come down, they come down hard and the whole list will apply. She has had some trauma in her past and her self confidence is usually low when confronted about things which triggers her to lash out. She is easily triggered now that I think of it.

 

At this point, blocking further communication is best. If you are close enough with your friends to do so, ask them not to share details with you about your ex. Not knowing will drive you crazy in the beginning, but it's beneficial in the long run.

 

Thank you for the reply. Her drunken text to me at the end of Labor day weekend was kind of the last straw. She said she was blocking me on everything but that's still not the case. She still follows me on Instagram (I don't use it and I dont think she does either) and Linkedin and I know she still didn't block my email because I sent her a scathing "how dare you talk to me this way" type of mail and told her she needs to do better for herself. We exchanged mails back and forth a few times but ultimately as of last Friday it will be a week of 100% NC.

Edited September 14, 2017 by Jchav123

[Jchav123]

**Update**

It's been a solid 3 weeks of NC as of last Friday. I had a very busy day Friday (taking my mom to the oral surgeon, a company event all day, and a bar crawl in the evening with a group of 20 people or so.)

 

I still have my ex on LinkedIn. I was thumbing through notifications and tried to click on a profile of my friends when I accidentally clicked on her profile. When someone views your profile you get a notification. Naturally she did. I thought nothing of it and proceeded with my day.

 

A few hours later I get a notification that she has viewed my profile and has endorsed me for a few skills. So being the person I am and always wanting more information dispite my better judgement, I endorsed her back. A few hours go by and she messages me on LinkedIn. We exchange pleasantries and then the bombshell:

 

Are you dating anyone?

 

Maybe I shouldnt have taken it there lol

 

Sorry.

 

Okay...... lol crickets galore.

 

Take care

 

I was not responding after that half because I didn't know what to say, and half because I was actually kind of busy all day. I finally responded with what all I was doing and the fact I was out with a lot of people so I was busy.

 

At this point I can tell she is alone this night. She calls me but I don't answer. She calls me 10 minutes later, I don't answer. My email chimes in with new mail from her attached with 3 pics from "a year ago today" Facebook thing on her phone where indeed a year ago we were out with a co-worker of hers showing the new gal around town. Then an email to my other email account an hour later of something I sent her last year about my company newsletter. I imagine she sent it back to me because I had mentioned her in the newsletter and how we were planning on moving into together at some point (would have been this past January).

 

At this point the night is nearing an end and I finally text her back asking why she isn't with her new boyfriend? I find out he had spent the night before and they were hanging out tomorrow but not this night.

 

After taking a drunken friend of mine home to pass out because she was in no mood to drive, I get another text from the ex in the morning right as I was waking up, then another call. I again ignored the call but text her back a few times and find out she simply isn't happy with her new "amazing" boyfriend. She explained what her grievances were but finally just said:

 

This relationship may not last.

 

I feel like I was strong this last weekend for not fully engaging in her attempts to pull me into whatever she is doing right now, but I still wish I had at least picked up the phone...even just once.

[Jchav123]

**Update**

 

I'm really doing this more for me than to ask opinions at this point but opinions are always welcome!

 

In relation to the last post I found out her and her boyfriend had a huge huge fight to the point she didn't even talk to him for a few days. He since apologized and they are good again. I found this out a few days after I posted about when she called me. I had later replied to an email about one of the pictures she sent me the week before with a "one year ago today" picture of my own. She responded with:

 

If you would like to talk on the phone today, we can.

 

I replied yes and we talked on the phone for about 2 hours. She offered up details about how they aren't doing that well and keeps saying "if this doesn't last" etc. and how they have trouble communicating. I am not surprised by this but I offer sympathy but don't press the issue, I keep talking about other things. We talk about innocuous things and how she is dying her hear etc and eventually end the call.

 

I text her a picture of a Giraffe at the State Fair that is going on here the next day because I know she loves to see the Giraffe and we text back and forth for a few hours. She again mentions that she is not going to see her boyfriend for almost a week coming up because of her schedule. Again I don't talk about it and keep talking about the fair and things I did and saw.

 

The next day she tries to call me but I was away from my phone. I text back asking whats up and she mentioned she just wanted to chat, nothing important.

 

3 days later (this morning) I text her about a class she is in and ask how it's going. She text back immediately being surprised I remembered she was in it. I offer my good luck to her as it's a boot camp type thing and the last day is today. She calls me within the minute and we talk for 45 minutes. I mentioned I have been going on dates, hanging with friends and partying, and going out and meeting new people in general. She focuses on what she is doing in her life, and how her and her boyfriend are doing. Again, it's a lot of:

 

If this doesn't last I am not going to date for a while.

 

His friends kids love me but I hope they understand if I am not with him anymore it's nothing personal.

 

We have communication problems

 

I had my childhood friend stay over last night because I was lonely. He is a guy and I told my boyfriend about it and he got super upset about it

 

Other than her, her boyfriend, and her brothers all going to the fair as a group this weekend I tend to always hear neutral or negative situations about her and her boyfriend. Maybe she is simply venting? Maybe she wants to keep me on the back burner? Or maybe she is simply starting to realize this is a rebound situation and she is not really interested in this guy enough to work it out with him. They are 2 and a half months in. I can't say I am over her and I can't say I am not. Things she says about her boyfriend don't affect me anymore.

 

I feel like at this point it's a impending train wreck that I can't look away from no matter how hard I try. Normally I would be ok with that but in this situation I am standing next to the track. Back to N/C is the obvious answer but every time I talk to her, I feel like I am getting more and more closure. Even if it does hurt a little to do so.

[elaine567]

You are her new best friend and as the dumper it is where she wants you to be.

Dumpees make great best friends as they often care a lot and who wouldn't want that?

She can moan and vent at you about her bf, but if she does split up with him, she will not be looking in your direction to replace him.

 

You cannot be best friends, as you still care and yes you may be getting some satisfaction that she is confiding in you and not him, but it still doesn't help YOUR cause one bit.

It merely keeps you in her orbit and stops you from really moving on.

[Been]

Man run away and run fast. I know exactly her type- when she has you then she doesn't want you and when she doesn't have you then she wants you- its a game with her.

She is one of those types that has to have 100% attention from a guy- anything less and she starts looking.

She's an attention whore. Can't be by herself no matter what. Always up and down never has any consistency.

I'd block her. Why be a shoulder for her to cry on ?

I dated a woman like that. I was great one minute then I sucked the next hour. She didn't want to ever talk to me again then all of the sudden would blow up my phone. It was HORRIBLE. And TIME CONSUMING.

[Jchav123]

You are her new best friend and as the dumper it is where she wants you to be.

Dumpees make great best friends as they often care a lot and who wouldn't want that?

She can moan and vent at you about her bf, but if she does split up with him, she will not be looking in your direction to replace him.

 

You cannot be best friends, as you still care and yes you may be getting some satisfaction that she is confiding in you and not him, but it still doesn't help YOUR cause one bit.

It merely keeps you in her orbit and stops you from really moving on.

 

Nothing you said is wrong but what gets me curious the most is I never ever mention her boyfriend. And the only initiating I have done in the last month or so was small check-in breadcrumb kind of things. She latches onto that and calls me up. In a few cases if I am too busy to answer the phone she calls multiple times and sends texts wondering what I am doing. But if I don't breadcrumb at all I hear nothing.

 

I think ultimately for me i just want to know what is it about this guy she finds interesting enough to waste 2 months of her life with if they are so bad at communicating. I may never find out and it shouldn't matter honestly. I think I am just relapsing this week.

[Jchav123]

She's an attention whore. Can't be by herself no matter what. Always up and down never has any consistency.

You're right about that but I think in her case its pure anxiety. She can't be alone not so much because its a game to her but more along the lines of she NEEDs someone around at all times. Doesn't make it better but she sure does do the roller coaster thing.

[Downtown]

You're right about that but I think in her case its pure anxiety. She can't be alone not so much because its a game to her but more along the lines of she NEEDs someone around at all times.

Jchav, if she is a high functioning woman with strong BPD symptoms -- as you believe -- that behavior is to be expected. BPDers (i.e., those on the upper third of the BPD spectrum) absolutely HATE to be alone for very long. The main reason is that a BPDer has such a weak, unstable self identity that she lacks a strong sense of who she really is. This means that, when she is alone all by herself, she doesn't even have a sense of "self" to keep herself company.

 

She therefore is attracted to men having a strong personality because they can supply the missing self identity -- and can help ground her and provide a steady sense of purpose and direction. But when you do exactly that -- i.e., provide what she sorely needs and wants -- she will resent you for "controlling" her and suffocating her. Like a small child, a BPDer strongly needs parental direction and support but, at the same time, will resent it when it is provided. And she will resent it when you DON'T provide it. This occurs because a BPDer typically has the emotional development of a four year old.

[Giggles666]

Run away and never look back!

[Beachead]

There isn't anything wrong with you.

 

You're just not at peace with what happened. Deep down inside, you carry hope. Hope for reconciliation with her. That's why nothing is working.

 

Find a way to kill the hope and you will begin to move on.

 

I'll give you an example of how I kill my hope in situations that have no future.

 

I reach out to them one last time with the intention of cutting ties when it goes south and I know it will. And when they do exactly what I expect them to do, it affirms my intentions to leave because I know I tried and there is nothing more I could do. I can then leave knowing the outcome was solely their fault. I get my closure.

 

But that's my way. You can try this if you feel it applies to you or you can find a way that works for you.

 

Wish you well.

Edited October 6, 2017 by Beachead

[Giggles666]

Yeah, I don't think anything is wrong with you, we all been there....oxytocin is a "bitch".

 

I think beachhead gives some good advice, you have done everything you can you need to lose hope.

 

I just lost someone I loved very much, knew her for 24 years, in the end I had to burn bridges. Block, if they contact you be firm you want NC, if they continue to contact you burn that bridge.

 

As long as some of "us" and some of "them" keep crossing paths you will inevitably and continually go back to square 1 over and over again.

 

It's hard, man....but you can do better, hope is not your friend in this scenario.

[Jchav123]

She therefore is attracted to men having a strong personality because they can supply the missing self identity -- and can help ground her and provide a steady sense of purpose and direction.

 

I think you hit it right on the nose with her. I have never met her new guy but according to her he is very jealous, insecure, a bit racist, and short tempered. However he is also successful, driven, ambitious, and has a lot of friends which are now her friends. As I mentioned, just about every time she talks to me she brings up the fact they are fighting or some other negative thing about him. It seems like she simply can't let him go because her life is kind of in shambles right now and he has his life together, even though he doesn't seem to be a good person.

 

What really makes me curious is she has admitted for the most part she was a large reason we broke up (Even though it was really me that kept pushing her away in the end) and seems to be regretting how things worked out. Before it was "all your fault" and "you did this and that so now we are broken up". Slow but steady change. though like I said though in order for her to contact me, I'd have to send a text or email or something and she'll call and blow up my phone.

 

I just lost someone I loved very much, knew her for 24 years, in the end I had to burn bridges. Block, if they contact you be firm you want NC, if they continue to contact you burn that bridge.

 

That's terrible I couldn't even imagine 24 years. I am just dealing with one and a half years. Going back is simply not an option and I can understand that. Not looking back however is a much harder proposition right now. If I could find someone else that I could even casually date, I would be in a much better spot. But being an excessive care giver, OCD, and ADD, the entire game is stacked against me. At least I have friends I spend time with now but at this point I'd need them around me 24-7 to move past these thoughts.

 

There isn't anything wrong with you.

 

You're just not at peace with what happened. Deep down inside, you carry hope. Hope for reconciliation with her. That's why nothing is working.

 

Find a way to kill the hope and you will begin to move on.

 

As far as I can tell, me being out partying and having fun on the town is working but that's not enough. Like Downtown who posted in this thread, I am a caregiver personality type so I find joy in providing for others. Even last night a good partying friend of mine I recently met was struggling to prepare for an interview. I spent hours helping her. I left her place late last night feeling accomplished but ultimately empty because I was going home alone.

 

I've been on a few dates and have a great time but after its all over I am sad because I feel like I would be comparing them to my ex if I pursued a relationship. Sometimes I wish I could be like her and just jump to another person and be serious willy nilly even though I know it's not healthy.

[Beachead]

I think you hit it right on the nose with her. I have never met her new guy but according to her he is very jealous, insecure, a bit racist, and short tempered. However he is also successful, driven, ambitious, and has a lot of friends which are now her friends. As I mentioned, just about every time she talks to me she brings up the fact they are fighting or some other negative thing about him. It seems like she simply can't let him go because her life is kind of in shambles right now and he has his life together, even though he doesn't seem to be a good person.

 

What really makes me curious is she has admitted for the most part she was a large reason we broke up (Even though it was really me that kept pushing her away in the end) and seems to be regretting how things worked out. Before it was "all your fault" and "you did this and that so now we are broken up". Slow but steady change. though like I said though in order for her to contact me, I'd have to send a text or email or something and she'll call and blow up my phone.

 

 

 

That's terrible I couldn't even imagine 24 years. I am just dealing with one and a half years. Going back is simply not an option and I can understand that. Not looking back however is a much harder proposition right now. If I could find someone else that I could even casually date, I would be in a much better spot. But being an excessive care giver, OCD, and ADD, the entire game is stacked against me. At least I have friends I spend time with now but at this point I'd need them around me 24-7 to move past these thoughts.

 

 

 

As far as I can tell, me being out partying and having fun on the town is working but that's not enough. Like Downtown who posted in this thread, I am a caregiver personality type so I find joy in providing for others. Even last night a good partying friend of mine I recently met was struggling to prepare for an interview. I spent hours helping her. I left her place late last night feeling accomplished but ultimately empty because I was going home alone.

 

I've been on a few dates and have a great time but after its all over I am sad because I feel like I would be comparing them to my ex if I pursued a relationship. Sometimes I wish I could be like her and just jump to another person and be serious willy nilly even though I know it's not healthy.

 

Then I challenge you to learn how to be a caregiver for yourself and find some kind of solace in that because you need and deserve that for yourself. I have changed certain aspects about who I am after breakups myself. I will tell you one good thing. One way or another, you will heal. That hope will eventually go away and when it does, that will be the point you'll begin to find yourself again. You'll feel light and free and it's like you'll be looking at everything with a new pair of eyes. You can usually speed this process up by how you choose to use your time but either way, you will heal. Don't force it. Know it's okay to feel crappy. Know that it's completely normal. And again, you will heal.

[Jchav123]

Update:

 

Something inside me told me to just send a text and be direct. I told her I was going to the Mexican place we always went to at 7pm and if she wanted to join me then to do so. If not, no big deal. I am not sure why I did this but something told me I needed to hear what she was up to. She exchanged text back and forth with me then called me for a few minutes to talk about her day. She agreed to meet me but changed the location because her boyfriend's friend works right across the street from the restaurant.

 

We meet up and I am the most comfortable with myself I have been in a very long time. I don't even know why I am doing this but I listen to her update me with her life. I know it will involve the boyfriend so I am ready for it. But what I am not ready for is what she says about him. He doesn't communicate with her as well or nearly as much as his abundance of friends. He treats his friends like kings and queens but kind of forgets about her. She is super upset about this and even goes as far as saying she will break up with him "tomorrow". Of course I don't believe it, she is speaking in the moment. I simply listen over my drink while shes eating and she even goes into how sex with him is really more about him and less about her. All I do is listen. I am more surprised at myself at this point than what she is telling me. None of what she says phases me one bit. I simply reply like a friend would.

 

This goes on for at least 2 hours. I take my opportunities to mention how well my life is going and how I am dating and simply having fun and living life but I make a point not to brag. We walk out to her car and I give her a long long hug. She starts crying but I say nothing. I just hug. I talk with her in her car a bit and she mentions she is going to have a long talk with him the next day. I say my goodbyes and go home. That was Tuesday. We agree to dinner again, this time on Thursday.

 

Last night was Thursday. We banter back and forth again about things. She mentions she has talked to her boyfriend and that he says he will do better. I know this girl. I already know this won't last because the exact same thing happened to me. I would end up being more communicative and attentive and it wouldn't matter. But I say nothing. We talk about old times and she teases me about changing the Hulu password on her. She also admitted she jumped too soon into her relationship but "she made her bed now she has to sleep in it".

 

She starts mentioning sexual things directly to me and about me as if testing the waters. I already know what she is wanting and thinking. Again after dinner we hang out in the parking lot. I make it a point to linger because I am more curious about my hunch than anything. A few times she leans in really close as if to kiss me but I don't move in. She has to take a conference call from work because of the time zone difference of a few people so we sit in her car while I listen and she has it on speaker. In between chatting she leans into me again except this time I kiss her back.

 

We make out in her car several times before I finally leave because she has to go back to her house and meet her boyfriend to go to a birthday party with him for one of his friends. The irony and dysfunction of this situation doesn't escape me but by the end of the night I realize I can just shrug off what this person does or says now. The kissing brought back good memories sure, but I no longer feel strong desire to be around her. She is driving 4 hours to another city to introduce her boyfriend to one of her brothers this weekend. All I could say was "ok have fun". My mind didn't race about what could happen or that he is meeting family members. I just shrugged it off.

 

I am not sure how I feel about being able to call her up and have her meet me like this. But I do know I am no longer pining over her. I am just numb to her now.