This is just crazy!

[LeeBrando]

Hey guys, and gals...

 

I have a situation here and would love some advice, and/or thoughts.

 

I'm 38, my girl is 35. We've been together for 3 years. I make a decent living and she doesn't work, really just wants kids, and to be a Mom, which we haven't yet done.

 

I'll skip through all the details of our whole relationship because that would take forever, so I'll skip to the present.

 

Her Mother and Brother who live in Argentina are moving to Spain, the Mother lives with the Brother. The Brother is moving to Spain, so naturally so is the Mother. Around the middle of July my girl decides she want to meet her Mother in Spain for 4 or 5 weeks (She has a strong bond with her Mom and doesn't get to see her all that much).

 

So we make the arrangements, and once she's there she learns her brother will be celebrating his Birthday in Barcelona near the end of September, she wants to stay longer, and I had planned to go join my girl on Sept 13 and then travel with her to Barcelona, and she was going to come back home with me.

 

During this time that we've been apart we have had a few arguments, but nothing that wasn't sorted within a few hours.

 

Last Sunday I went to friends pool party. I told her a few days before I was going to go, she knows him and he is also one of my business partners. She kept making snide comments about it, and quizzing me for the few days leading up to the party. In the meantime I was actually getting sick (Felt like constant jetlag), and had decided I may not go.

 

The day of the party I felt like crap, absolute crap which is surprising because I had a great sleep hanging out with my parents the night before. I really hadn't planned on going to the party, but a friend of mine needed a ride and I thought it would be pretty rude for me to not at least show face.

 

I ran out the door to pick up my friend and when I went to call him once I arrived at his apartment, I realized I had left my phone at home, but luckily he was standing outside waiting for me. I decided to just goto the party without going home to get my phone because I wasn't going for long anyways, and I was almost halfway there anyways.

 

I went to the party, it was much larger than I had thought it would be, but I had 2 drinks and left about an hour and a half later, still feeling like absolute crap, totally worn out.

 

Fell asleep on the couch, woke up in a haze, then fell back asleep for like 8 or 9 hours, totally zonked out! When I woke up on Monday, it was 10am to my surprise, and I had missed a couple messages and texts from my girl. I call her, and the first thing she starts asking me about is the party..... This is where I ****ed up big time!

 

I didn't want a million questions, I really didn't want to feel persecuted , and it was really no big deal, so in order to avoid 10 million questions, and the anxiety of feeling like I'm doing something wrong when I'm totally not, I told her I didn't go..

 

I know, I know, it's was really dumb, and I shouldn't have told that fib, but the way I looked at it was, she was going to think it was all bull****, I really didn't do anything at all off-side, and I didn't want to feel persecuted and under the gun for no reason.

 

I should have just told her what happened, which is exactly what I explained above.

 

The reality was, she already knew I went because there was a picture on Instagram of me and two guys from the party.

 

My girl gets really upset and starts calling me a liar and just goes off. Then she breaks up with me. I plead with her to not do this, it was nothing, and this seems to be quite harsh considering the situation, but she won't have any of it. Then she stops taking my calls, and won't answer any text messages from me.

 

Keep in mind here, she's 9000 miles away in Spain, on Vacation with her Mom, so there's no way I can even attempt to talk to her in person and reason with her. She calls me the next day, and aI thought she would have cooled down a bit, but no, the exact opposite.. She still furious and now wants me to pack up all her stuff and put it in storage, tells me not to come to Spain as planned and that she never wants to see me again..

 

Crushing! I'm so lost and crushed from this. She won't talk to me, or answer any messages, she's made up her mind, and over something so dumb. I get it was equally dumb of me to not just say what happened, but again, sometimes she makes me feel like I've done something wrong when I haven't, and it kinda sucks.

 

Anyways, once again, she won't answer my calls or or messages, and i'm starting to get really dumb-founded by all of this. It's so irrational I can't believe it.

 

I leave it alone and stop calling and messaging her, 2 days later I get a call from her, and when I saw it coming in I was so excited.. I was thinking she'd have cooled down and now we could actually talk (Remember, I'm now supposed to be going there in less than a week, as originally planned even though she said not to on our last call, I'm hoping she's rational now)...

 

I answer the phone, she's anything but nice.. Her opening line to me is, "So how long have you been cheating on me for"? I almost fell over. I've never cheated on her, nothing, not even close! She yelling at me again on the phone saying she found more pictures online of me, but now this time it's with some chick who is "draped all over me"...

 

She sends me the picture, I look at it, and there is me, some wasted chick who looks like shes kinda leaving into me with her eyes closed, and right behind her is my good friend. On top of that it's at my friends night club... I have no idea who this is, at all!

 

I send the picture to my friend, and he's like, "Don't you remember that night. That's XXXXXX, my friend XXXXXX wife... Remember she was falling all over the place just drunk as hell"... Then I remembered.. I had only seen her that one time in my life..

 

I tell this to my girl, even give her the names and proof with a picture of the girl with her husband right on the cover page of the guys facebook profile, and nothing..

 

Guy, it's now been another two days, I have tried to talk to her, she won't listen or talk to me at all.. She just calls me a liar and a cheater, it's just crazy to me.

 

One thing I will never do again is little white lies out of convenience, with anyone.. Those little pricks get you in more trouble than anything else, and they are usually done out of convenience and laziness.. Perhaps a bit of fear mixed in.. Even though, in my case, there's been any malicious intent whatsoever, I get how it can look...

 

Anyways, I need your help. I love this girl, and I want to go see her in Spain, but we need to talk and sort this out before then.. Kinda tough when she won't communicate with me at all!

 

Thanks in advance for reading and responding!

[bummer]

If everything you say is true, then the cultural differences, the distance, and differences of expectations are getting the best of this relationship.

 

To be honest, I think she is bickering with you because she really wants out. She finally found good reason to drop the hammer. If some white lies and photos are enough reason to break up? So be it. You don't need to jump through every hoop just to get enough respect and space to let you breathe. Another guess is that she really wants to just stay with her fam in Spain. She could make any excuse besides saying what she really wants so that she forces the situation without admitting anything. To a lesser degree, I'd guess she doesn't really want you to visit, maybe?

 

My guess also, she sounds high maintenance in general. If you can't simply state you went to the party without fearing a grilling from her, then I get the undertone of why you lied. The fact that the lie was your choice says something about her, and your reaction to her needs.

 

I got no advice to patch this other than the beg and plead, which you don't need to do. She's got you under her foot with a .45 pointed at your ear. Right or wrong, she's calling the shots.

 

 

The more context of your whole relationship you can summarize succinctly will help too. Whether some of the WAGs make sense or no.

[LeeBrando]

If everything you say is true, then the cultural differences, the distance, and differences of expectations are getting the best of this relationship.

 

To be honest, I think she is bickering with you because she really wants out. She finally found good reason to drop the hammer. If some white lies and photos are enough reason to break up? So be it. You don't need to jump through every hoop just to get enough respect and space to let you breathe. Another guess is that she really wants to just stay with her fam in Spain. She could make any excuse besides saying what she really wants so that she forces the situation without admitting anything. To a lesser degree, I'd guess she doesn't really want you to visit, maybe?

 

My guess also, she sounds high maintenance in general. If you can't simply state you went to the party without fearing a grilling from her, then I get the undertone of why you lied. The fact that the lie was your choice says something about her, and your reaction to her needs.

 

I got no advice to patch this other than the beg and plead, which you don't need to do. She's got you under her foot with a .45 pointed at your ear. Right or wrong, she's calling the shots.

 

 

The more context of your whole relationship you can summarize succinctly will help too. Whether some of the WAGs make sense or no.

 

It just stings, a, lot.. 1 day before all of this, she was telling me she loved me and couldn't wait to see me when I got there (I was supposed to goto Spain on Sept. 13th too meet up with them for 2 weeks).

 

Now she won't even return an email from me.. So ****ed up!

[PegNosePete]

Welcome to the famous Latin temperament...! Although I agree with the above poster, if such a small thing can trigger her to end a 3 year relationship then likely she's been emotionally detaching for a while. Also possible her family is exacerbating her feelings.

 

I'm afraid there's not much you can do here. She has clearly made up her mind. The only thing you can do is to accept it. Stop answering her calls, texts, emails, etc. She has made her feelings clear: there's nothing more to say. Just send her 1 message, say OK, your stuff will be ready for you to collect when you're home.

 

Cancel your trip, get refunds on any tickets if you can. Pack up all her stuff and have it ready for her to collect when she comes back. Don't pay for storage for her. Just have it boxed up ready for her to collect with the least possible fuss (ie. open the door, here's your boxes, bye).

[LeeBrando]

Welcome to the famous Latin temperament...! Although I agree with the above poster, if such a small thing can trigger her to end a 3 year relationship then likely she's been emotionally detaching for a while. Also possible her family is exacerbating her feelings.

 

I'm afraid there's not much you can do here. She has clearly made up her mind. The only thing you can do is to accept it. Stop answering her calls, texts, emails, etc. She has made her feelings clear: there's nothing more to say. Just send her 1 message, say OK, your stuff will be ready for you to collect when you're home.

 

Cancel your trip, get refunds on any tickets if you can. Pack up all her stuff and have it ready for her to collect when she comes back. Don't pay for storage for her. Just have it boxed up ready for her to collect with the least possible fuss (ie. open the door, here's your boxes, bye).

 

 

She just called me after an email I sent her. Was the calmest I've heard her through all of this. She still makes everything about herself.

 

She has no trust for me, I'm a compulsive liar, wasted the last 3 years of her life, and ruined her trip... WOW!

 

It's amazing what the mind can do once you get an idea stuck in it like she has.

 

Amazingly, after she finished calling me a liar for 5 mins and not wanting to even consider trying to talk about working through this together, she tells me she wants me to send her some money because she has nothing left! (Which she also held against me as if I was keeping her on a leash).

 

I'm baffled by this.. Okay so, break up with me OVER THE PHONE from Spain on a trip I'm paying for (Which wasn't close to extravagant enough for her), then continuously insult me and NOT want to try and work through it, then ask for money.?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

 

In my opinion, people who act like this in this situation have something to hide, a plan perhaps, or they've already done something and are justifying their actions by pointing out all they think is bad about you without accepting any responsibility for any of their actions at all This mentally gives them the out they need to validate their actions, once again, it's MY fault, not hers..

 

And maybe, I'm dead wrong!

[PegNosePete]

In my opinion, people who act like this in this situation have something to hide, a plan perhaps

Maybe, or maybe not. Like you say it's amazing what the mind can do once you get an idea stuck in it.

 

Either way it seems immaterial now. Just tell her no, you will not send her any money, and her stuff will be boxed up ready for collection when she comes home. And don't answer any more calls from her.

[LeeBrando]

There's no way out of this is there?

[PegNosePete]

Well, the only way out is if she changes her mind. There's not much chance of that though, and you can't force her. In fact the best way to make her change her mind is for you to show strength. And the best way for you to do that is to say no I am not sending you any money, and your things will be in a box waiting for you when you come home. So whether she changes her mind or not, the best course of action for you is the same.

[ExpatInItaly]

Perhaps she is the one who's got her eye on someone else.

 

Tell her in no uncertain terms will you be sending her any money. Have you been supporting her all this time? You said she doesn't work - why is that, and where was she getting money to live on?

[LeeBrando]

Perhaps she is the one who's got her eye on someone else.

 

Tell her in no uncertain terms will you be sending her any money. Have you been supporting her all this time? You said she doesn't work - why is that, and where was she getting money to live on?

 

She had a job for about a year, other than that I have been supporting her.

[SevenCity]

She had a job for about a year, other than that I have been supporting her.

 

Dude the reason she asked for money is she considers you a Class-A sucker. You supported her not because she was raising children, but that she didn't feel like working.

 

She sounds like a leech drama queen and you are best served finding an equal partner. I would run from her so fast her head would spin.

[LeeBrando]

Yep, youa re right. It's funny how you can end up doing the same **** you warn all your buddy's about.

 

The only question now is, how do I get rid of her without her coming after my stuff? Or trying to rather.

[bummer]

The only question now is, how do I get rid of her without her coming after my stuff? Or trying to rather.

 

Perhaps this all seems sudden and dramatic. But damn you'd have your balls back if you followed through:

 

A. She's in Spain. Let her pay for and figure out how to get back to you assuming she takes the return trip back...

 

B. As PegNosePete says, box her stuff and get it to a safe, separate location. Be generous with what she may consider her's since you can afford new stuff. Let her know where to find it!

 

C. Change your locks. I hope nothing is cosigned as mutual. No ring? No problem! Ask a lawyer if you have doubts.

 

Good luck!

[LeeBrando]

Perhaps this all seems sudden and dramatic. But damn you'd have your balls back if you followed through:

 

A. She's in Spain. Let her pay for and figure out how to get back to you assuming she takes the return trip back...

 

B. As PegNosePete says, box her stuff and get it to a safe, separate location. Be generous with what she may consider her's since you can afford new stuff. Let her know where to find it!

 

C. Change your locks. I hope nothing is cosigned as mutual. No ring? No problem! Ask a lawyer if you have doubts.

 

Good luck!

 

After the last talk I had with her, I was in shock at what a narcissistic, shallow piece of **** she really is.. I'm done here, and good damn riddens. No ring, no actual common-law status, just a blood sucking, self righteous, SMOKING HOT, ditch pig.

 

Over and out

[PegNosePete]

It's funny how you can end up doing the same **** you warn all your buddy's about.

SMOKING HOT

I think you answered your own question there.

 

The Latin temperament has its pros and its cons.

[LeeBrando]

I never said she was Latin, she's Italian

[PegNosePete]

Yeah... Italian is Latin.

[SevenCity]

Yep, youa re right. It's funny how you can end up doing the same **** you warn all your buddy's about.

 

The only question now is, how do I get rid of her without her coming after my stuff? Or trying to rather.

 

I think this falls under the legal and moral umbrella of "Not you're f'ing problem":lmao:

 

I would just box up her stuff and change the locks. She made her decision, now she has to live with the concequences.

 

But the work is not over. Now that you've shown her some balls and limits she may want you back offering great sex as a reward.

 

You got one hot chick and you'll get another. Toss her like a used condom.

[skisa]

I am also a spanish woman and can relate to this kind of situation. But the question is, how have you been reacting to this? Soft as hell? My ex used to tell me white lies a lot and I used to react bad. But what always worked, is that after some time of explanations, he will get mad at me if I didnt believe him. This means: when I saw how angry he was about me, I used to calm a lot. Sounds contraproducent but for me always worked (german boyfriend haha)

[LeeBrando]

I think this falls under the legal and moral umbrella of "Not you're f'ing problem":lmao:

 

I would just box up her stuff and change the locks. She made her decision, now she has to live with the concequences.

 

But the work is not over. Now that you've shown her some balls and limits she may want you back offering great sex as a reward.

 

You got one hot chick and you'll get another. Toss her like a used condom.

 

She totally did come back. I was just happy and said okay then, I'm cancelling my flights and you can find yourself a place when you get back on the 28th. I said, if you straighten your head out, maybe I'll come a week late, but we will have to talk about it..

 

Of course the next morning, she sends me a message, "Allright you can come, call me when you get up"... ****ing condescending remark even that was.. I didn't respond and she calls, I didn't answer.. Spoke a lot later (after she sent me hotels and was like, "I like these 2 hotels'), to which I said, If I do come, it's not going to be tomorrow, I'll let you know..

 

You know, I know she just realized how royally she screwed herself over.. No job, no money... SHe wants me to come there and bring the party with me..

 

She even said, "We mine as well enjoy a nice vacation then figure out what to do". She's baiting me.

 

So on one hand, I can go bang the hell out of her for a bit, which is always nice, but the repercussions of this could end up being more damning because with her, it's always going to go back to some bull**** attitude that sucks.. Very self centered ...

 

Decisions decisions

[PegNosePete]

I can go bang the hell out of her for a bit, which is always nice

Unless when you get there, she changes her mind yet again. Then you've wasted a whole bunch of time and money and you're stuck being yelled at for a week by her AND her mother.

 

Dude... save your self respect. Tell her to get lost. It's really incredible the kind of treatment some guys will put up with, for a bit of action.