nadzz Posted September 9, 2017 Share Posted September 9, 2017 Hi guys, I'm hoping for some help or insight or anything really. I don't know what I'm doing. I have been in a serious relationship for almost 2 years. He brought up getting married almost a year ago. A few months ago he said he's not financially ready to get married because in his culture, he's expected to invite EVERYONE to the wedding and basically he doesn't feel like he can provide for me or a family yet. Even though I explain to him that I can take care of myself for now and we can hold off on having kids for a while, he still won't commit. I don;t want to waste my life with someone who will never commit to me. After discussing this for months, I broke up with him. I'm hoping he will realize what he lost and wake up. Am I being stupid? I don't think he'll reach out to me because I ended it, but I don't know. Any thoughts? Anyone been through something similar? Link to post Share on other sites
springy Posted September 9, 2017 Share Posted September 9, 2017 "I'm hoping he will realize what he lost and wake up." I think if you are using the breakup as a manipulative tool to get him to marry you, then you did not do it for the right reasons. You break up with someone because you are ready to move on, not as a way to get your way. If you have reason to believe he is making excuses and has no intention of ever marrying you then you did the right thing and should leave it at that. It sounds like you are making this all about what/how you want it. His reasons sound valid. He's from a different culture and has different expectations but you want it your way. That's fine, it just won't be with him perhaps. 'Almost' two years of dating isn't all that long. How old are you? You say you hope he will 'realize what he has lost'. What has he lost? What have you lost by dumping him? Why do you want to get married? Why to him? Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted September 9, 2017 Share Posted September 9, 2017 His cultural issues probably also mean you staying home with the babies and him being the provider, and he may be very conventional (apparently if he wants to spend a fortune on a wedding). So this may not work out because he wants you to be just like women in his culture, and you're not. There are many people you can love but not live with. I tend to think he's the one who needs to mature and be his own man and not bend to convention when it isn't practical and that if he doesn't have it in him to stand up to them about that, he's probably also not man enough to make you happy as a husband. It's like still being tied to mother's apron strings, except it's even worse. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TwinFlameGone Posted September 9, 2017 Share Posted September 9, 2017 I don't get why you broke up with the guy. Was it your impatience? In either case, you can work with him on finances. My first wife, catered our wedding to our budget and made sure we didn't have a debt. The savings on the wedding went into the ring. The point here is that a compromise is possible. Your relationship seems salvageable to me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Sweetfish Posted September 9, 2017 Share Posted September 9, 2017 Hi guys, I'm hoping for some help or insight or anything really. I don't know what I'm doing. I have been in a serious relationship for almost 2 years. He brought up getting married almost a year ago. A few months ago he said he's not financially ready to get married because in his culture, he's expected to invite EVERYONE to the wedding and basically he doesn't feel like he can provide for me or a family yet. Even though I explain to him that I can take care of myself for now and we can hold off on having kids for a while, he still won't commit. I don;t want to waste my life with someone who will never commit to me. After discussing this for months, I broke up with him. I'm hoping he will realize what he lost and wake up. Am I being stupid? I don't think he'll reach out to me because I ended it, but I don't know. Any thoughts? Anyone been through something similar? You didnt get what you wanted so you bounced. What exactly is the problem? Link to post Share on other sites
Goodguy05 Posted September 10, 2017 Share Posted September 10, 2017 Hi guys, I'm hoping for some help or insight or anything really. I don't know what I'm doing. I have been in a serious relationship for almost 2 years. He brought up getting married almost a year ago. A few months ago he said he's not financially ready to get married because in his culture, he's expected to invite EVERYONE to the wedding and basically he doesn't feel like he can provide for me or a family yet. Even though I explain to him that I can take care of myself for now and we can hold off on having kids for a while, he still won't commit. I don;t want to waste my life with someone who will never commit to me. After discussing this for months, I broke up with him. I'm hoping he will realize what he lost and wake up. Am I being stupid? I don't think he'll reach out to me because I ended it, but I don't know. Any thoughts? Anyone been through something similar? Do u really love him or is it just the concept of marriage that u love. What's the rush. If you truly loved him u wouldn't break up because his not quiet ready yet. I know people who have been together for over 20 yrs and they never married but they're as married they live together have a family kids. I think u lost him and not the other way round 1 Link to post Share on other sites
fred123 Posted September 10, 2017 Share Posted September 10, 2017 Do u really love him or is it just the concept of marriage that u love. What's the rush. If you truly loved him u wouldn't break up because his not quiet ready yet. I know people who have been together for over 20 yrs and they never married but they're as married they live together have a family kids. I think u lost him and not the other way round Lol he aint that into you. He isnt quite ready yet haha rubbish. I had a gf once who after 3 minths wasnt ready to hold my hand. Wait till he meets the right girl he will be ready within a year. Explain that then! Link to post Share on other sites
Author nadzz Posted September 10, 2017 Author Share Posted September 10, 2017 Lol he aint that into you. He isnt quite ready yet haha rubbish. I had a gf once who after 3 minths wasnt ready to hold my hand. Wait till he meets the right girl he will be ready within a year. Explain that then! This is my concern. Thanks for your brutal honesty. I ended it because he says it's financial but what if he is just wasting my time? Do you think people make themselves ready if they find the right person? Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted September 10, 2017 Share Posted September 10, 2017 Being ready for a wedding and being ready for marriage are two very different things. There are ways to spend little and still get married. Had you two discussed the options? If you felt his reluctance was due to not wanting to marry you rather than financial constraints, then yes, you made the right choice. For context, how old are both of you? Link to post Share on other sites
spiderowl Posted September 10, 2017 Share Posted September 10, 2017 You obviously did not feel he was delaying for practical reasons; you felt it was that he didn't want to commit to you. I think you should trust your instincts. You discussed this with him for a while, I gather, but nothing was resolved. Cultural reasons are often more important than we realise. I would not doubt that he feels he has to have the traditional wedding where all are invited. But, it is a sign that other cultural issues are likely to matter to him too. Did you feel he would prefer to marry someone from his own culture? Maybe that was a factor in your decision making. Link to post Share on other sites
HarmonyDriven Posted September 10, 2017 Share Posted September 10, 2017 Hi guys, I'm hoping for some help or insight or anything really. I don't know what I'm doing. I have been in a serious relationship for almost 2 years. He brought up getting married almost a year ago. A few months ago he said he's not financially ready to get married because in his culture, he's expected to invite EVERYONE to the wedding and basically he doesn't feel like he can provide for me or a family yet. Even though I explain to him that I can take care of myself for now and we can hold off on having kids for a while, he still won't commit. I don;t want to waste my life with someone who will never commit to me. After discussing this for months, I broke up with him. I'm hoping he will realize what he lost and wake up. Am I being stupid? I don't think he'll reach out to me because I ended it, but I don't know. Any thoughts? Anyone been through something similar? It sounds like you two were in different stages in your relationship. YOU are ready for the next step - marriage. He is not. You broke up because you did not want to waste your time. IMO, this is a perfectly acceptable reason to break up, given the time frame. However, don't go thinking he will come back to you. If he does and you work it out - great. If he doesn't - then you know he was not the right person for you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Bastile Posted September 10, 2017 Share Posted September 10, 2017 Any thoughts? Anyone been through something similar? I think every guy has been dumped before for not committing to relationship escalation in some form or fashion. It's often met with some regret on both sides. It's completely normal. It's a very weird balance. Women need to feel secure by having more control and leverage over a man (which conflicts with attraction). And it escalates over time more and more. My uncle is the greatest natural that I've ever seen with women, and he gives them a ring with no intention of following through with a marriage in order to eke out more time from the dynamic. If your guy was a bad piece of work, that's what he would do. So, I'm going to suggest that he has some decency. The right thing for him to do is to let you go. Link to post Share on other sites
Goodguy05 Posted September 10, 2017 Share Posted September 10, 2017 (edited) Lol he aint that into you. He isnt quite ready yet haha rubbish. I had a gf once who after 3 minths wasnt ready to hold my hand. Wait till he meets the right girl he will be ready within a year. Explain that then! Not necessarily however there's always that possibility but u would know by the way they are wth u .It's just that u 2 are at different stages ur ready he's not. He could be in a few yrs who knows maybe sooner . Wen I got married it was 5 yrs into the relationship I knew I wanted to be wth her but I wanted to make sure first there were some building blocks we went thru before i proposed some garauntees I needed and vice versa. If u don't have the foundation 1st ur building is not gonna be that stable.. he's just simply not ready he wouldn't waste 2 yrs of his life if he wasn't into u that's my take on it from a guys perspective Edited September 10, 2017 by Goodguy05 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted September 10, 2017 Share Posted September 10, 2017 This is my concern. Thanks for your brutal honesty. I ended it because he says it's financial but what if he is just wasting my time? Do you think people make themselves ready if they find the right person? Ha yes. I've seen this happen more times than I care to remember. That said, if he's unwilling to compromise on the size and cost of the wedding he wants, he'll probably change his mind for a woman who's got wealthy parents to pay for it all. Link to post Share on other sites
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