Left me and is back with her old guy

[EagleHardy]

New around here but it's helped reading a lot of stuff on here, so I wanted to share my story and see if anyone has any feedback.

I'm 23, a little over a year out of college. During my last semester I met this girl and it was amazing, we had little time left at college but we had a connection like I've never had before. Our senses of humor, tastes, everything was perfect.

 

So obviously we graduated, and that was a hurdle because we would be apart (not too far, she lives in MA and me in CT). But things actually continued to go great. Then I got a job in New York, which once again threatened to jeopardize things, but it really didn't. I visited her often and we made it work in between visits so it was just as good as ever.

 

Here's the problem though. Early in our relationship I learned about this guy from her hometown, he's older (now like 28 I think). She knew him for years, they have a long history together but at the time I met her she HATED him - he had treated her like dirt a bunch of times. She'd even show me texts from him that made me hate him too.

 

But then she and him started talking again. She was very open about it with me -- and in my stupid head I was a little more understanding of it than I should have been; we weren't dating, and my plan was to eventually move to Boston (not because of her strictly, it's where I always wanted to be and where all my friends are) and then take the next step with her.

 

Eventually me and her hit some rough patches, admittedly driven by my hidden insecurity about this other guy. I understood that she and him had a history that wasn't just romantic and that as long as she was honest with me and didn't take it too far, I wasn't going to hold it against her.

 

It got to the point a few months ago where she was drifting back to him, and away from me. I never intentionally hurt her and even in the rough times I didn't get angry with her once. I can't really fault her for following her heart so I still am not angry with her despite how broken up I may be.

 

We stopped contacting each other but that broke a few times; after a night out with my friends I met up with her and spent the night and the whole next day with her. What sucks is that when I did, it was as good as ever. We still had that same fun back-and-forth and I could tell in that moment that she felt the same. It's just that when it came down to me vs. him, it was him.

 

I've been in relationships where the spark just dies, and those were easier to get over. But with her I can't shake that feeling that she and I could be perfect together. This other guy has a long history with her that I just can't compete with; they've gone on vacations and hung out with each other's families etc. for years. Despite the many messed up things he's done, I understand how it got to this point.

 

Last thing that sucks is that I'm still trying to get a new job -- I've gotten close a bunch of times, some good interviews and stuff, but until I land that new job and can move, there aren't many friends around me to distract me. Like today was the guy's birthday and she's with him and I have to see/think about that, and unlike other times in my life I can't go out and have fun with my friends tonight to take my mind off it.

 

Anyway, if anyone has been through something similar I could really use some words of encouragement. Thanks for reading this long rant of mine, I haven't been able to share it with many others so it feels good.

Edited September 8, 2017 by EagleHardy

[Been]

Been through the EXACT situation. Was told how much of a loser her ex was and the whole nine yards.

She would run back to him after dumping me. And then I guess the same problems would arise between the two of them and she would run back to me and tell me how she realized what a loser he was and I was the one she wanted to be with. And I ate it up.

She did this THREE times and the third time I had had enough. I could almost tell you word for word what her excuse was going to be.

For some reason she isn't done with him. She going to always allow him to orbit her life somehow and that's not good for you.

The give away was when she showed you the nasty texts he had sent her. I know you weren't thinking At the time but why would you keep a line of communication open with someone you hate?.

[EagleHardy]

Been through the EXACT situation. Was told how much of a loser her ex was and the whole nine yards.

She would run back to him after dumping me. And then I guess the same problems would arise between the two of them and she would run back to me and tell me how she realized what a loser he was and I was the one she wanted to be with. And I ate it up.

She did this THREE times and the third time I had had enough. I could almost tell you word for word what her excuse was going to be.

For some reason she isn't done with him. She going to always allow him to orbit her life somehow and that's not good for you.

The give away was when she showed you the nasty texts he had sent her. I know you weren't thinking At the time but why would you keep a line of communication open with someone you hate?.

 

Thank you for the reply. Yeah looking back it was really clear all along - I can't even say I'm blindsided because for a while I'd say that I saw where this is going but I never really accepted it. The chemistry I had with her was still so strong that I held onto that hope that he'd fall by the wayside again and me and her could move forward.

 

I guess that back in the day she wanted something with him that he clearly wasn't giving her and now she thinks she has that. And maybe she does, I'm not naive enough to think that the guy is a total scumbag because she's not the type to put up with that constantly. Maybe he'll never act like that again, but it's like...it wasn't THAT long go that he was acting like that. I know that even when I was younger and more immature I would never treat a girl like that. So that's still in him I know.

 

The tough part is dealing with the fact that deep down, I hope he screws up. I hope he messes up big time and she sees me doing well and realizes she made a mistake. And that goes against who I am; I'm not a bitter person. I do want the best for her and maybe she'll live happily ever after with him now. But I'd be lying if I acted like part of me wasn't hoping for something else.

[wildirishchick]

Oh my.... I can totally relate to your story. I had begun dating a man that I knew from elementary school. I knew him to be a very shy, quiet kid. We reconnected after 27 years of not seeing each other. I felt instantly head over heels for the man. Knowing full well that he had been in an on-again-off-again relationship for 11 years and that she had just recently been told to move out. I believed him when he told me that he was falling in love with me and that had fallen in love with me. We were talking about the future and getting a home together and marriage and all of that happy stuff. We went away for Father's Day weekend, came home and boom we were done and he was back with her. Let me give you a little history on her during their break up. He found out she had stolen from him. She had racked up a $10,000 credit card in his business name. She ran his business name into the ground as well as his name. She was out in the town bad-mouthing him and sleeping around with every person she could. She was going to plumbing suppliers and bad-mouthing him drunk at 9 in the morning. She's an alcoholic, she's a gambler, she's a thief, she's a no-good piece of crap. And yet, that's who he wants to be with. Let me tell you it has done a number on my self-esteem. I'm devastated. I can completely relate to your story and I'm so sorry that we are both going through this. It sucks! Good luck!

[Been]

Oh I guarantee who screws something up. And shell run back to the safety net-you. And that's what you have to realize- no matter how much she begs you to get back together you'll never be better then a second option to her. And people-myself as a prime example- forget that when she starts talking to you again because of the "excitement" of having her back in our life. We overlook that we are with her by default only.