LostHorizons42 Posted September 8, 2017 Share Posted September 8, 2017 My story: My fiancee broke up with me 6 mos. ago in April. We went out for three years. I was close to her, the kids, and a large community of friends. When she broke up, I literally went back to almost nothing: just me and my apartment most weekends. All the joy was sucked out of life, and it remains that way. She was the most significant relationship in my life after a long drought between the ages of 20 and 40. We planned for the future and I did things with the kids. I felt the joy of having a home. The reasons for the breakup on her part were as follows: --we stopped going out --she didn't love me anymore --I wasn't making her feel special like before --she had issues with my hearing (I wear hearing aids, but my hearing declined in the 3 years since we met and am getting a cochlear implant to hear better). Factors that contributed to the breakup: --I was working two jobs to be able to afford the implant and to do things like take her on vacations. I was tired. --My hearing declined so that caused depression. --She took numerous breaks in the relationship, causing distance. --She planned to retire in another country in the next 10 years and I had anxiety about being able to find a job there, since I wouldn't be able to retire there. --She had some narcissism/lack of empathy issues. So much she even alienated a lifelong friend who hasn't spoken to her for the past 8 mos. She's now seeing someone new, and from what I can tell is giving this relationship her best shot. But I'm still crushed. I lost a home and everyone in it. And given where I am in life, it is exceedingly difficult to meet someone new. Some questions: --We have mutual friends on social media. They are mainly her friends, but I became close to a few. I'd really hate to lose these people, because they were good to me, and I get along really well with some of them. But I am worried if I keep them as friends I'll see pictures--I am certain to see them bc she is now introducing the new guy to everybody. So the choice is: Lose the friend on social media, and go through that pain, or go through the pain of seeing pics. --I got some books a few months ago to send her sister and mother. The sister still talks to me sometimes on FB chat. Not sure if I should send these or not, given the new relationship she now has. Advice would be appreciated. It's really tough. I've been in sorrow every day for the past 6 months. Link to post Share on other sites
Captivating Posted September 9, 2017 Share Posted September 9, 2017 Hello, I am sorry that you are in so much pain. She seems narcissistic, you are right about that. If she IS then you dodged a bullet You want nothing to do with a narc. She seems shallow, selfish and lacks empathy, this is what i gathered from what you wrote. I think you miss the life/friends/ home more than herself. Everyone longs to be loved, accepted ... this is part of our need to feel safe. It is the rejection part of the breakup that is so hard to accept and deal with. Your reaction is completely normal but it will get better, don't worry. It just takes time We all go through these several times in our lives usually. Reach out to old friends or closer family members to talk with , hang out with. Be kind to yourself, get out of the house, go to farmers markets, take daytrips, have regular activities ... for example going to the gym 3-4 time a week for an hour, getting such accomplishments everyday might trigger momentum in your life and things will be easier to tackle. Dive yourself into things you are interested in.....as you feel happier you might start to attract others. The first two weeks you have to push yourself doing these, then it will get easier, please try it ! Keep us posted , ok ?? Also, there is a video that I would like you to watch about our obsessive brains ... Link to post Share on other sites
spiderowl Posted September 9, 2017 Share Posted September 9, 2017 I am sorry you are hurting. Your ex sounds selfish and thoughtless. It was low of her to mention your hearing and it was probably not the reason for the break-up. I really commend you for what you are trying to do to improve your hearing. Hearing loss is not your fault and I wish you had more support rather than having to fund the implant yourself. I really hope it helps when you achieve it. I know how hard it is to feel connected to others when frustrated by inability to hear the whole of a conversation. It is no wonder you are feeling a great loss at the moment. It is a question of gradually rebuilding now. The friends you made with her are important to you. Don't give up on them. You could let them know you'd like to maintain contact but don't want to hear about your ex or see pictures. If they are half-decent people, they should respect that. A relationship does feel like a kind of 'buffer' against the trials of the outside world and any of us would feel more vulnerable when that goes. You will gradually rebuild resilience and relationships with others. You just need to do it bit by bit and realise it will take time. Have you got family you can spend time with/reconnect with? Any support can make a difference. Maybe there are chat groups online that you could join? Written communication is likely to be easier and would help you to feel connected. Meanwhile, keep posting on here. A fair proportion of respondents will have experience of a painful break-up and have useful tips as to how to build up confidence and strength again. Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted September 9, 2017 Share Posted September 9, 2017 Why don't you wake up. You're devastated because of someone who doesn't apparently give a damn about you? Why? Link to post Share on other sites
magnesium Posted September 9, 2017 Share Posted September 9, 2017 (edited) She's now seeing someone new, and from what I can tell is giving this relationship her best shot. But I'm still crushed. I lost a home and everyone in it. And given where I am in life, it is exceedingly difficult to meet someone new. Some questions: --We have mutual friends on social media. They are mainly her friends, but I became close to a few. I'd really hate to lose these people, because they were good to me, and I get along really well with some of them. But I am worried if I keep them as friends I'll see pictures--I am certain to see them bc she is now introducing the new guy to everybody. So the choice is: Lose the friend on social media, and go through that pain, or go through the pain of seeing pics. --I got some books a few months ago to send her sister and mother. The sister still talks to me sometimes on FB chat. Not sure if I should send these or not, given the new relationship she now has. Advice would be appreciated. It's really tough. I've been in sorrow every day for the past 6 months. 1. She isn't giving the new relationship her best shot. She is grooming and love-bombing her new victim. If she is narcissistic as you say, and it sounds like she is, she wants you to know on purpose how awesome her life is, just to hurt you. Once she gets what she wants from her new victim, she will begin to devalue him as well. All narcs follow a idealization-devalue-discard cycle on all their targets. 2. Regarding the mutual friends, chances are the narc already got to them and planted some story/smear campaign to make you sound like a horrible human being, and she had to leave you for those reasons. She probably started doing this while you were still dating. Her image matters to her more than anything. You can't trust the narc. 3. She is using your hearing as the cause of the breakup because she KNEW that would hurt you and lower your self-worth. Narcs are able to find people's insecurities and then attack you through that. It's not your hearing that is the problem, you have to understand that ALL narcs follow this pattern of abuse. All narcs sort of operate in similar ways. Sorry this happened to you. Edited September 9, 2017 by magnesium Link to post Share on other sites
Goodguy05 Posted September 9, 2017 Share Posted September 9, 2017 (edited) Why don't you wake up. You're devastated because of someone who doesn't apparently give a damn about you? Why? That's me too Marc878 and I been through a few of these marriage included it is not easy. It takes a long time. Rejection kinda breeds obsession. Apart from going to the gym and all that which is great btw the only thing I would highly recommend at this stage of ur recovery is it's ok to feel this way just do one thing keep setting goals even short term ones that way wen u do come thru the other side u will have built a Kingdom and not be lying down kicked in the gutter Edited September 9, 2017 by Goodguy05 Link to post Share on other sites
SixxChick Posted September 9, 2017 Share Posted September 9, 2017 Why don't you wake up. You're devastated because of someone who doesn't apparently give a damn about you? Why? Probably because we thought that they did, or would. Then, we take off the rose colored glasses and stomp all over them. Link to post Share on other sites
springy Posted September 9, 2017 Share Posted September 9, 2017 I echo the others - she is very self centered and is not someone you want to tie yourself to in marriage. Citing your hearing loss as a reason for breaking up with you is a pretty low blow. I hope your implant works out for you and helps to boost your confidence. If she broke up with you multiple times during the relationship she was showing you that she was never really committed to you, and you most definitely don't want a wife with no empathy. As for the mutual friends on facebook I would say that if you don't have in the flesh interaction with these people there is no need to keep them as 'friends' on social media. If they are people you spend actual time with, unfollow them so they don't pop up on your newsfeed and don't visit their walls until you have gotten over her. Sorry for what you're going through. You deserve much better for a partner. Link to post Share on other sites
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