When toxic - why impossible to move on?

[skisa]

Hi all I´m new in this forum, and will definitely try to have an overview and help other people too But this is my story. Will try to make it short.

 

Me, Córdoba, south of Spain. Him, from Bremen in Germany. 30y-27 (Im older)

I was living there for some years and met him there. Awesome relationship at the begining, like always. Lots of attention, invited me to live with him after 5 months, awesome sex, blablabla. After the 8th month, I started noticing he was jealous, controlling, too critical, specially picky about everything (super maniac clean and all that at home), complained easily, needed favors contantly, etc. (i used to call him the woman of the relationship haha) Super georgeous guy, to the point of madness. But not arrogant since he was the most insecure person u could ever meet. He considers me a godness and I consider him as well.

 

Then all changed.

 

Everything got toxic. I got jealous and controlling too. He got lazy, boring, neglecting me, playing videogames around 12h a day. We fought, abusing verbally and phisically of each other. Broke up million times. But got back after me begging a lot. I was obsessed. Obsessed with sex, obsessed with him getting someone else since could be so easy as he is the kind of narcissist extremelly beautiful person who gets what he wants. Obsessed specially to fix it, to change both. He is around 1.98m tall and quite strong, so when he broke my nose, I decided to move back to my country. I did in 3 weeks. I started to move on. Then we started talking again and he came to my country (to another city) My family never new about the phisycal abuse, of course. I actually never hit him, only slapped, but he got always really defensive and **** happens. He always blamed me for it, to make him agressive after screaming him for so long, so i always felt guilty and ended up saying sorry when he beat me.

 

To sum up: horrible. We had lots of good moments too, of course, but those I guess I dont need to explain them.

 

After those 2 years, when he came to my country to study abroad, we started getting together again. I promised to change my jealousy. I did. We never got physical again, I was calm, got better after therapy. Then he broke up again suddenly "Cause i needed too much attention". In that break, ****ed a girl from his job (she looks like a drug addict, so was very disgusting for me), without condom, and lies about it. Found out in his phone. Forgave him about it. Got back together...

 

Well, this is the hell i´ve been living for the last 4 years. After getting back together for the last time this year, we had so good months. I was so happy, finally was not toxic anymore. I helped him with everything to show him i changed, i even did works for him cause he was too lazy. I was always there for him this year and accpeted that man dont want to text, call contact so much as woman. I did my best, I promise. But he has leave me again and guys, this is like a cancer. when you recover from a hell of a illness? Then refall? The pain is much bigger, is insane. I cant stop contacting him, I cant stop obsessing I will never find a man so beautiful as him, that I will never enjoy sex again like that because I only like it toxic now, that i am not the same person, and will always get in trauma for all this that i endured. I dont want to play the victim, I was annoying him too, with all the begging and the attention, I was out of mind, but got me the world to change and get over his abuse, FOR NOTHING. As soon as his friends moved here with him and he was not bored anymore, he left me, in 5 mins by phone. It was one month ago, and even if I know that we should have stop million years ago, the disappointment to trust someone feelings again and being left like this, doesnt let me move on. I cant stop texting him, and is the first time he is ignoring me. I cant anymore. Therapy doesnt work.

 

Am I damaged forever?

 

PS: Whoever that make it to the end, deserves a bier from me.

[Zahara]

I was calm, got better after therapy.

 

Therapy doesnt work.

 

So, does it work or does it not?

 

You can't get better if you keep drinking poison. Therapy would be useless if you're revisiting what is damaging you. You've never really given yourself a chance to move on from this guy because there's a dysfunctional part of you that lives for the drama. Like an addict you're seeking him, your drug. The only way to get out of it is to go cold turkey NC. And that means a complete and permanent BLOCK.

 

Your self-esteem is broken. You prioritize his looks and sex rather than the importance of values such as respect, loyalty, love, kindness, empathy. Your view of what a healthy relationship/partner should offer you is completely warped.

 

I suggest you block him. Suffer through the withdrawals. Keep him permanently removed from your life. Go back to therapy.

 

Or you can invest another 4 years of your life with this mess.

[Redhead14]

Am I damaged forever? -- You don't have to be.

 

Let me say this . . . whatever damage you are carrying around with you, did not start with this relationship. The "damage" was there before all this which is why you allowed yourself to tolerate the scenario for so long.

 

You really need to focus on YOU and stick with therapy as it seems you have benefitted from it. Remember that therapy and recover is usually a long journey. It took you a long time to get the way you are, it's gonna take at least that long to get through it. Block and delete this guy right now and push through the pain once and for all. Get really busy with your life. Find new things to do and spend time with friends.

 

Therapy doesnt work. -- You need to do the "work". You need to be committed to it and focused. A therapist is only as successful as his or her most willing, open and committed patients/clients. Therapy fails most of the time because the client can't face the truth and actually prefer to stick with their "issues" because it's all they know and and changing scares them.

[skisa]

So, does it work or does it not?

 

Worked after I came back to my country and we got back together. Does not work right now, when I need to CUT CONTACT. I block him, suddenly get impulsive, sad, and contact him again.

 

You are right in everything. Thanks a lot.

[Zahara]

So, does it work or does it not?

 

Worked after I came back to my country and we got back together. Does not work right now, when I need to CUT CONTACT. I block him, suddenly get impulsive, sad, and contact him again.

 

You are right in everything. Thanks a lot.

 

No, it stopped working when you revisited your abusive relationship.

 

You believe it does not work because NC is painful. It forces you to feel your most uncomfortable feelings -- and that is because it's detoxing you from a drug -- your ex. It's a process you have to go through. When you get impulsive, sad, angry, etc., you work through those emotions on your own and with the help of your therapist. You don't fix those bad feelings by going back to a toxic relationship.

[skisa]

Am I damaged forever? -- You don't have to be.

 

Let me say this . . . whatever damage you are carrying around with you, did not start with this relationship. The "damage" was there before all this which is why you allowed yourself to tolerate the scenario for so long.

 

 

 

I have also thought this, since my parents relationship was not good. But the "funny thing" is that from 15 to 25 I had a long relationship which was good, and healthy, until nearly the end when I broke up (wanted new experiences). So is my first toxic relationship actually.

[Been]

It seems impossible to move on because of all the drama- even

when it was bad something was going on. So you get caught up in who is doing what to who-How can I get the upperhand? What's he going to do?

And then you get caught up in the making up part- this time will be better you tell yourself. And for a little while it is- you both make the effort to "change" to make the other happy. But as time goes by someone always reverts back to their old ways.

I got out of an incredibly bad toxic relationship. One minute it was great the next day it was horrible. We would break up and then get back together and start "new". And everything would be great -for about a month and then the cycle would start all over again.

[skisa]

It seems impossible to move on because of all the drama- even

when it was bad something was going on. So you get caught up in who is doing what to who-How can I get the upperhand? What's he going to do?

And then you get caught up in the making up part- this time will be better you tell yourself. And for a little while it is- you both make the effort to "change" to make the other happy. But as time goes by someone always reverts back to their old ways.

 

 

Yes, could be a drama adiction. So now i feel guilty, maybe I provoked the problems?¿

[stillafool]

There is no such thing as "impossible to move on". You don't move on from him because you don't want to.

[Zahara]

Yes, could be a drama adiction. So now i feel guilty, maybe I provoked the problems?¿

 

Stop making excuses for someone else's bad behavior. Take responsibility for your own and move on from him.

[Been]

Its not about provoking the bad behaviour in most cases its the ADDING to it that you get caught up in the toxic relationship.

She does something to you and instead of talking about it or walking away you do something back to her in kind. Then you make up. Everything is great-better then ever. Until the next time one of you does something to the other.

It takes TWO people to form a toxic relationship. Even if one isn't doing anything per say they are tolerating and allowing the toxic relationship to go on when they know it shouldn't. So BOTH people in a toxic relationship hold some kind of blame.