How do I move on when my ex tells me she doesn't know what she wants?

[bawdseyben]

Hi,

 

So would like a bit of advice if possible.... all thoughts good or bad welcome.

 

So I broke up with my girlfriend 2 months ago. The reasons would multifaceted, some of which I did not realise at the time. After the breakup after a couple of days of contact, I broke off contact (knowing at some point I would see her again to exchange stuff). In that time I really tried to work on myself as much as I did and I feeling like I am a better person because of it - I have got in shape, dealt with/ am dealing with some demons, reconnected with friends, and have focused on my career an may have a promotion. I had even dipped my toe back into the dating pool, telling myself that I should respect the fact that she did not feel the same way as me and I was not the one for her. I had a lot of regrets as to what had happened, things that could have been done differently, big issues that we did not communicate that built up, but I was left feeling that I would not make those mistakes again in another relationship.

 

So Monday I arrange to meet her to exchange stuff, we speak and talk about what happened and she ended up telling me that she had regrets, and we spoke through things and she ended up asking me if I wanted to go on a date and think about giving it another go. It was so natural and felt so right on both our parts being together. However, the other thing that I found out is that her life has been horrendous - her brother's baby nearly died, her family are arguing, her friends have not been supportive, she had decided to stop a PhD she hated and has no direction now in life. Coupled with this she has just moved to London and said she feels very vulnerable and alone in this city, it was heartbreaking to see. I asked her if the reason that we were on the way to reconciling was because of this and she said that she did not think so, and that the whole thing had made her reassess what was important.

 

On Thursday we arranged to meet and decided that it would be good to spend a couple of days of no contact to speak through things. We ended up speaking for hours, and she recognised that there was a lot there to mean giving it another go, but she was concerned that it was because she was in a vulnerable state that she came to me and it happened. I also saw how much of bad place she was in and I wanted to help all that I could. We both agreed that getting together now may be for the wrong reasons.

 

After speaking loads she said that the best thing to do was to give her space to sort herself out and work out a way of moving forward in her life, and the best thing was for me not to be in her life so she could become stronger as an individual. I agreed that this was probably the best thing.

 

We both agreed that in this time the best thing I can do is move forward with my life, and continue to build one without her in it, which involves dating and seeing other people - If I didn't I think I would be stuck in limbo, for however long it takes her to work out how she feels about me, and by doing this I would take a step back, and jeopardise the work I have done on myself.

 

The thing is this is easily said than done, before when I was going to meet her I did not have any hope, I was expecting that that was the last time that I would see her. I was trying to move on. Now I can see that how she feels about me may have changed, that she still has deep feelings for me that could mean a life together, and that there is love there. I have no idea how long it will take for her to come to terms with what she actually feels - days, weeks, month..... When we broke up from the beginning I respected her decision, that helped me move on. Now she doesn't have a decision it is a lot more difficult. I turn 35 next week. I love this girl more than anyone who has come before her. I want to do the right thing for me, and if the right thing is to build a life without her, I need advice how I can do this, knowing that she very may at some point contact me and ask to give it another go.

[Captivating]

Hi,

It is good that she wants to be alone and figure things out on her own not using you.

It also has a taste of "putting you on the back burner", kind of stringing you along so you are kept around just in case.

Things are going down around her and you seem to be the perfect life raft (?) whom is comforting to talk to. (maybe don't be too available )

It is great that you are very caring and compassionate towards her though.

 

If I were you I would have coffee dates lined up from on online dating site, meet other people if you are ready.

Your time is precious, do not sit around waiting for her at home, this is a perfect opportunity to date around, get to know other women. It might take many "coffee dates", but You might meet someone even more compatible with you. I understand that you are still emotionally involved and it is hard to move on.

 

If she really wants to be with you she will make it happen, in case you are still available.

You have to be certain that you guys mutually love each other.

(The reasons for the breakup needs to get resolved too)

You seem to be very nice and intelligent....I don't think that you will have trouble with the ladies Just have fun and take advantage of this wonderful opportunity .... as soon as you are in a committed relationship this type of "fun" is over (use protection! - just in case you are having too much fun) HUGS !

Edited September 6, 2017 by Captivating

[Redhead14]

Generally, when someone says they don't know what they want, they know what they don't want and that's you. I don't know what I want is about stringing you along until they can say what needs to be said in a more direct way. That could be days, weeks, months, years even, because, well, they are immature and can't deal with it. "I know I don't want you. I don't have any other options right now (or maybe I have one in the wings) so I'm going to cut you out and make my decision in my time and you can just wait it out".

 

If I'd been with someone for a while and they told me they didn't know what they want, I'd say "if you don't know by now that you want me, I'm going to make the choice for you. I'm moving on".

 

I'm not going to put my life on hold and let them decide in a vacuum what will happen with my life PERIOD.

[Thatoneguy55]

Actions...not words....actions.

 

If you ignore the verbal part of this equation, and focus only on if she is acting like someone who wants to be with you or not, you can easily solve the riddle.

[d0nnivain]

I agree that statements about confusion -- "I don't know what I want" -- are white lies that really mean, "I want something other than what we have."

 

 

Clean breaks are the best.

 

 

If you are going to reconcile you have to work together to fix the problems in your relationship. This BS about going off on your own to "work on yourself" & the silence that follows allows problems to fester & worsen. The only thing people learn during these times apart is that they can, in fact, function without their EX. Another problem that develops with these attempts to reconcile later after these silly breaks is that somebody gets all upset because the other partner actually dated &/or had sex with a third party during the time apart & they can't get over it.

 

 

Work together or stay apart. This limbo nonsense is not at all helpful or productive.

[gpete3008]

Oh man. I can really hear your inner conflict when I read your post. On the one hand, it seems you want to give it another shot because it seems you really like this girl. On the other, you want to give her time to sort her life out because you want her to be sure she really likes you and is not just using you as a human security blanket. That really is a tough one. It is so hard to know what to do and at the same time a super important decision since it could lead to marriage and a lifelong commitment. Have you considered talking to a counselor or a pastor? They may be able to help you develop a strategy for dealing with this since they, no doubt, have heard of similar situations from others going through the same thing as you are going through now. I am praying you find peace in your heart and am also praying for peace in her heart as well.

[Been]

Your getting played. I don't know what I want really means: I really don't want you but I don't want to be alone so you'll do for now until something I think better comes along.

 

And a word of advice: never wait on anyone to make a decision regarding of they want to date you or not. That's inviting them to use you as a doormat in the future.

[trustyourself]

All of the above advice man.

 

Waiting and pining for your ex when she does not know what she wants is not good for you. I fell for this with a girl I was madly in love with.

 

She kept on coming back and then breaking it off. I see it for what it was now. I was not quite enough for her. She would get frustrated, break it off, get lonely and miss me. come back and bam, it would happen again.

 

Dont be the plan B dude. The pain will only get worse each time it happens, and it will destroy your self esteem.

[IDB_2017]

I have to agree with the other posters. You are giving her huge respect by allowing her to work through her feelings and being there for her, which is commendable and shows that you are a catch with your head screwed on.

 

However, she is emotionally immature and being unable to decide for herself for this length of time is not a good sign.

 

I think being confused for a couple of days or a week is fine, but after that time of uncertainty, I would definitely need to make a decision about something.

 

My ex-GF was also confused and constantly needed more time to think things through. Our situation was messier (she was emotionally cheating) but I could sense her inner turmoil and did genuinely want to act as mature as possible and allow her to work through things.

 

I eventually said to her that "You need to give me an answer soon, or else I'll make the decision myself and am moving on with my life". After 48 hours, I ended it.

 

She did try to get back with me then, but afterwards decided that she was doing that because she was worried about losing the safety of the relationship. Again, she didn't break up with me, but said "I need more time". So, I broke up with her again and went no contact.

 

I think you need to break up with her fully. Tell her that you respect her need for time to make a decision, but that you cannot wait for her to do so.

 

If she really wants you back, she'll try to make it happen, although it'll be your hurdle to decided whether it is worth it or not. But don't stay in limbo for her. If it ends up being for nothing, you'll be kicking yourself for being so considerate.