How can I stop waiting for him?

[YosoYella]

Hello all,

 

Thanks for reading me. First, I want to apologize in advance if my English is not perfect, but I'm not a native speaker

 

I broke up with my ex boyfriend almost 5 months ago. I broke up, because at some point he wasn't giving me what I needed anymore, while I was giving very much of myself. It was extremely hard for me to do this, because I was so in love with him, but I didn't see other choice at the moment.

 

The thing is that we are from different countries, but at the moment we were living together in mine. I had a job, but he was having trouble finding jobs here. He didn't speak the language here, he had just finished his studies, and he couldn't find his way. He was living in my country out of his parents' money.

 

We met each other in 2015 doing a master in my country, and started our relationship in June 2016. We started dating with plenty of excitement from both sides, and every day was an adventure. But with his problems finding jobs, he decided to go back to his country in March 2017. Then is when we started having problems between us; we were very sad for having to separate, we started fighting more and more. He had taken this decision in March, and in April 15th he left.

 

That month, he started to get away from me. Still, we were having breakfast, lunch, dinner together, and sleeping together in my place everyday as always. Sometimes he seemed to love me, sometimes he seemed not to.

 

I had organized a trip for us a week before his departure, so we could enjoy our time together as much as possible. The idea was to keep with the relationship after he left, but every time I tried to talk about this, he was never very clear about this -he never seemed 100% convinced-.

 

Well, he told me he didn't want to take this trip, and started to yell at me and blame me for many things, that we hadn't been good lately and that now I wanted to fix everything the last week... I didn't know what to do. After three days of him acting like this, loving me and hating me at the same time, I decided to break up because I couldn't stand so much suffering.

 

After that, we skyped once he was back; he was crying very much, telling me that he had lost me, etc., but nothing about getting back together. I haven't heard anything from him after, nothing. It's been almost 5 months; it was even my birthday a month ago... And nothing.

 

I know you might wonder why I suffer so much for someone like this, but... It hurts so much still, and I can't help it. I'm still going through a process of grieve; I had never suffered so much for someone before. And we aren't kids anymore, I'm 28 and he was 30.

 

I still wonder if he decided just to hide his feelings and forget about it all, if his attitude came out of his pain and to protect himself, or otherwise, he didn't love me at all. I know that the break up was very strong for both of us, and I also know that he loved me very during the relationship, or maybe this last one is just me kidding myself, I don't know anymore.

 

I still wait for a message, for something that doesn't come. I should stop having this hope, I know. I wonder if he'll ever get in touch with me, but I also know that waiting for this doesn't let me move on.

 

My question is… How can I move on? I know, I have to take care of myself, practice some activities, be distracted… But apart from that, psychologically… How can I actually stop waiting for him? There’s a part of me that everyday still waits for a message or call. This part of me is convinced that he will come back to me, even if i know that it’s not going to happen. I’ve read a lot of stuff on the internet (maybe too much) about ex’s coming back after a while; mine didn’t come back, and at this point, I don’t think he will. Please, I need advice on how to stop wanting him to reach me out. It’s something that obsesses me every day, and I’m starting to think that I’ll never get over it.

 

Anyway, I'll appreciate any comments or similar experiences, or just encouraging words thank you!

[bummer]

My question is… How can I move on? I know, I have to take care of myself, practice some activities, be distracted… But apart from that, psychologically… How can I actually stop waiting for him?

 

Time. Lot's of time. And reminding yourself why you needed to end it and that those reasons are more important than the idea and fantasy of your past. I still remind myself sometimes when I remember fond memories that my ex never loved me and definitely doesn't love me anymore. Then I say to myself, "I don't love you either." And poof, I forget for awhile.

[YosoYella]

Time. Lot's of time. And reminding yourself why you needed to end it and that those reasons are more important than the idea and fantasy of your past. I still remind myself sometimes when I remember fond memories that my ex never loved me and definitely doesn't love me anymore. Then I say to myself, "I don't love you either." And poof, I forget for awhile.

 

I guess I need more time, but it's almost 5 months since we broke up and it's so frustrating to still feel like this. I try to remember the reality and not idealize, as you say, but the problem is that I still need him to get in touch with me. I still believe somehow that he still thinks about me, even if it's not true. I need to accept what it is and I still can't! Maybe it didn't feel like a real closure and that's why it's so painful and the agony lasts longer...

[bummer]

Well, it's been over a year for me and I did get a final closure conversation which did make me understand why it ended and helped me own the fact that it ended for a reason. I think even if I didn't get the closure talk, with time, I would feel the same and not hold hope.

 

If there are left over things you wish to ask, you can post them here. Sometimes getting those messy thoughts out feels really good.

[skisa]

Hey there.

 

Did you think about getting a conversation with him? I know everybody thinks this is the opposite of what you should do, but for me worked once. I visited him and talked and when I got more answers I started to move on. When I saw him so uninterested, it made me felt uninterested too. Kind of helped.

[mousse]

I think it can take a long time to get over someone, even if that person treated you badly. My father also often says that a stronger love erases the previous one. Sometimes, it is when you meet someone new that you completely turn the page and get over your ex.

 

Good luck to you.

[YosoYella]

Hey there.

 

Did you think about getting a conversation with him? I know everybody thinks this is the opposite of what you should do, but for me worked once. I visited him and talked and when I got more answers I started to move on. When I saw him so uninterested, it made me felt uninterested too. Kind of helped.

 

I got in touch with him about three weeks after the break up and we had that conversation that I mentioned in which he ended up yelling. That was about 4 months ago.

 

When a person doesn't contact you at all after telling you that he doesn't have the strength to start having a distant relationship, I guess that should be enough for me to give closure to this. But I can't, I just can't stop thinking about him.

 

Two months ago I received a call from him. I picked up, and he hung up right when I answered the phone. But he never texted to explain why he had called and never called again. A friend of mine tells me to write him asking him about this call, but I think there's no point after two months since this happened. Honestly, I was 100% sure that he would try to get in touch with me again, but he never did.

 

I've thought about getting in touch, but honestly I have no idea of what I could tell him... It feels like I would seem very desperate if I told him that I still miss him after 5 months. Maybe I could just ask him how he's doing, but going after him again after all that happened... I don't know. Don't know what to do